I HATE MYSELF!

As a lot of you know, I was given a surgery date of Dec 1st, now the surgeons office has called and scheduled me for Dec 8th. Carol told me that because the Ins Co has requested 1 extra test (Ins co didn't think that I was on the treadmill long enough) she doesn't want to keep the Dec 1st appt. I don't see how 1 week could make a difference, especially when the extra Cardio test is scheduled for Nov.3rd. I really don't understand and I am scared that there may be more problems in the future. Has anyone else had this problem? Don't get me wrong, I am GRATEFUL to have the opportunity for the surgery, but I was really looking forward to Dec 1st. Maybe I'm just in the frame of mind that I want to hurry and get the painful part over with, but they are toying with my emotions... as it is my emotional state is in termoil while I am trying to become stable enough mentally to prepare for this procedure. You know, after I read the poem that Alice posted a few days ago, I cried. Every word was me over and over again. At that point I became truly scared, afraid that I am going to fail at giving up the sugar in my coffee, the butter on my toast, and all of the sweets that my mind craves. What do I do? I say that I can and will do it and the next thing I know, I am at Dunkin Donuts for my coffee and sugar fix. Will it ever stop? (the mental cravings) I get grouchy and irritable when I don't have my coffee or my chips and dip or the donut fix. Has anyone else experienced this... and if so what do I do? Half of the time I feel like I am going to fail and be fat for the rest of my life, and I know that running away will not solve any of my issues. I get mad at myself for doubting myself, but I can't help but feel this way. I am 371 pounds and I can barely walk 1 block without needing to sit down but that doesn't stop me from eating any and everything in site. I went to a wedding 3 weeks ago, and at the reception I fixed myself a plate and hid while I ate. I was embarrassed by the amount of food that I was eating, but I just kept on eating. I HATE myself! Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on. Jalonda

I understand your frustration. My date was moved from November 3 to November 19 because they wanted me to stop a med before surgery (it has a risk of you getting kidney stones while on it and have never gotten one in the 1 1/2 years i have been on it). I look at it this way. I want the best possible outcome so I can begin my new life as healthy as possible, so if i have to wait an extra month or two i would do it (though it would drive me nuts). Good luck Kathi

Jalonda, I understand your frustration with the surgery dates...Mine got moved 3 times for various reasons and I finally had my surgery 6 months after my original date. The extra testing is for your safety and that is the most important thing... I also understand your fear of "losing" all the comfort food you have always loved. I went through a huge period of "mourning" the loss of food when I started a medically supervised diet in anticipation of my surgery (insurance required it). what helped for me (and this sounds a little wierd) I have a journal and I wrote a good-bye to my lover (food). I gave all the reasons it was bad for me and what the relationship did to me and why I needed to end the abusive relationship so I could "start my new life" I am a Psychologist and its a technique we use sometimes. I read it still and it helps. I am not saying it will for you but it may. Also, I never want food anymore. I had head hunger the first week post op and I was obsessed with foodtv but its passed and I am exercising and feeling good. Ask yourself if you are ready to make a huge change and start living your lfe instead of just being alive. Its much better on the losing side. I wish you the best luck. Michelle

Hi Jolanda... I really hope you are feeling a little bit better about things with all that wonderful support you have going up there. I don't know which surgery you are having but which ever you have chosen I wish you the best. I had lap band surgery 6/04 and I am down 32 pounds. I hasn't been easy but I haven't really had to give much up. That's the beauty of a lap band I guess... I still eat regularly but the portions are radically changed that and I make healther choices now. I still get all the old cravings.. chips cookies and stuff.. (who doesn't) and every now and again I treat myself and just have a lil bit to keep me from going over the edge (especially during that certian time of the month!! ) Moderation is the key and after your surgery you will see how well it works for you. I am a binge eater so I understand all the mixed emotions you are struggling with , but this surgery has changed my life for the better... and it will for you also. I so wish you find the piece of mind you need to get you through the hard times (and we all have them) - Take Care - Candie PS I give up coffee for no one! lol