support

I was wondering if anyone had a husband or family members that didn't support them on their weight loss journey? what did you do? My husband is thin and has never had a weight problem and just seems to think that if you push yourself away from the table, well end of story. He loves me and will always stand by me but doesn't understand why I just cannot do this on my own. I am looking to have wls in about the beginning of dec {hopefully} and just wondered if anyone had any advice for me thank you Marianne

Marianne, I am not sure just what to say and maybe someone else can offer you more advise but I noticed with others that did not understand that if you let them read about obesity and maybe a little on this site it might help some. It is hard for others to understand sometimes, though my hubby has been so very supportive he still had a hard time grasping the overweight thing. I had to keep reminding him. hun I wish you the very best with all of this.....Keep us posted! Debra P

My spouse wasn't supportive hence the reason I'm on these boards so much, it's about the only support I get. Marianne, sometimes we have to face hard challenges on our own, or find a group of people that will be there for us when we are struggling. I highly suggest you find a small group to attend, and start attending now. Even ask your husband to go with you, after hearing some of the life changing testimonys of different people he may or may not change his mind. But the reality is something you just have to do things because you know they are right for you. Scott

Marianne, First off, good luck in whatever you choose to do. This is not an easy decision, but it's a decision that is made for you, to make your life better and that will in turn make your husband's life better. For me, my husband was not really an advocate of surgery. He felt that eating a certain way would do the trick. But he's also gained weight over the years, not to morbid obesity, but he's not the skinny dude I married either. So I try to point out to him that eating can be an addictive thing that's hard to control. One thing that I think helped him was that I took him to the seminar with me so that he could heard the stats on obesity and weight gain, and that it's predisposed in some of us to just hold the weight and not let it go! My sons were also not advocates, they are young at 16 and 18, but they are smart kids. I asked them at some point and my older son felt as though I was taking the easy way out. But for me, even tho it hurt to hear that, I felt that no one knows what I have lived through unless they've walked in my shoes. Also, with my kids, they don't have a lot of life experience so I didn't take so much to heart. Despite what they said or did, they were with me all along my journey and have supported me. So perhaps, even though your husband doesn't understand, he is afraid of what could happen and will be supportive along your journey too. I also agree that support groups really help because who but another person understands what you are going through. Again, good luck! Sue

Hi Marianne Your husband doesn't understand why you can't push yourself away from the table because he has never been in your shoes or had a weight problem. Pushing yourself away from the table doesn't solve the problems of weight. There's more to just pushing yourself away from the table. There is a lot of work involved and sometimes the table has nothing to do with it. Go to a seminar and you'll find out that most of the population never takes the weight off without this surgery. Statistics show that. If we all can do this on our own, then we wouldn't need weight loss surgery. I have a family member who is two tons overweight and thought I was and idiot for doing this, yet she'd rather suffer and be in pain cause she's been dieting for years and all she does is gain. Dieting doesn't help. Its just a short term solution. You have to do whats best for you. If you want to be healthy and be there for your family, then go for it cause it is well worth it. I would do it again in a heart beat. If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask. Marie

Marianne: I do not have time to reply this am gotta run to work, send me an email off list I will respond and give u a helpful handout i used last eve as well in my local in person suppport group! [email protected] Take Care, Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh 320/163 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery) Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/profile.php?N=c1132518510 "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"

I really understand what you are saying. My hubby is not that crazy about the idea of me having WLS either. He has been overweight all his life, so you would think he would understand. I have only been overweight as an adult. He tells me he is more afraid of me dying on the operating table or having terrible problems from having it. All I can say, is do what is best for you. He will come around. The more information I give my hubby, the more he seems to be coming around. So, hang in there. If he sees this makes you a happier, healthier person, he may become more supportive of your decision. Good Luck, Betsy

Hello Marianne I wanted to reply to your post, I mainly lurk but this is something I have dealt with in the past and never thought I would have to deal with again which I am . My first husband was completely against me having WLS when I researched it i***** he caused a seen infront of the surgeon and he refused to operate on me, so I dropped it. In 2000 I divorced him after 12 years. Like you I meet a man who loves me and will stand by me, he has said he is not against me having WLS but he thinks WLS is the easy way out, I did not think I would hear those words again. My DH has never had a weight problem, he is the type that can eat what ever he wants and not gain. We have been together 6 years and he has not gain anything. I have asked him to read the post here and on the main board also I have asked him to research on his own. But honestly I think he will not realize how hard post op life is until he sees it for him self, then I think he will change his tune. My DH has also said to push away from the table, eat less, cut certain things out, etc, etc. But again he has never dealt with a weight issue. When I heard him say that WLS was the easy way out it cut me to the quick (sp). But I realized that he is a smart man but when its comes to this he is uneduated. I have asked him if he thinks that having your insides completely rearranged, having your stomach made to the size of an egg,having to remember protien first and to make sure you get at the minimum of 80gm of it aday, not to drink with meals which I do, having to take supplements for life was easy. Honestly I got angry with him, then after a bit I realized that he has no clue. What I have been doing is leaving things where he can see them and leaving WLS pages up on the computer so he can read. I hope he will can his thoughts on this. But again I really dont think he will change his views until he see me after surgery, and relearning how to eat, finding foods that I willl be able to tolerate, foods that will not set well with me and the after effects, and everyday life post op. I congratulate you on your choice to live a healthier life with this wonderful tool that is available to us. I will pray for you that your journey is smooth and I will pray for your husband so he can completely support you and understand the struggles we have as MO people. I see you have Dr.O as your surgeon, I have Dr. Johnson, same clinic. If your need to talk or need someone there for you email me . Good luck thin wishes and WLS dreams Tammy

I have to say that when I told my Family they were not happy with the idea that I was having WLS. They were very concerned about my decision and made it clear that they would rather me not go ahead with the surgery. My boyfriend was my only support. My advise for you is to do what is best for YOU. Noone else. (that is what my boyfriend told me) And it was the best advise I was ever given. Best of Luck, Kimberly

http://www.gastricbypassfamily.com/GuidingPrinciplesforSO.html http://www.gastricbypassfamily.com/SOthers.html the second link has a letter from a Husband of a WLs pt, it is moving! _____ Here is a short note from Glenn Goldberg (since deceased due to medical issues not related to WLS) on why wls is not the easy way out! Through Thick and Thin #20 (May 1, 2003) The Top Ten Reasons why Weight Loss Surgery is NOT "the easy way out" one person's experience and perspectives 10. It's very expensive. Many health insurance companies don't pay for the surgery, and even when they do, co-payments and other costs add up quickly. Also, it can become very costly to constantly replenish wardrobes as the weight comes off. 9. Recovery can be very painful. Besides the pain from the surgery wound, patients may experience nausea or severe gastric distress. Patients with sleep apnea may become sleep-deprived, with all of the associated adverse affects, when they must discontinue use of their CPAP machines to avoid disturbing the staples creating their tiny new stomach pouch. 8. Recuperation can take a long time. Patients may be "out of commission" and absent from work for a prolonged period of recovery time. In some cases, patients may not be able to return to work or normal pursuits for up to 10 - 12 weeks. 7. It's hard work and a major time commitment. For optimal results, patients should engage in aerobic exercise for up to an hour daily. For bodies unaccustomed to vigorous exercise, this can be very hard. It's also a real challenge for WLS patients to learn all they must about nutrition so they can assure that their food and vitamins are sustaining their body. Finally, it can be exhausting to consciously, carefully and painstakingly chew every bit of food that enters your mouth. 6. Vomiting isn't fun. Nor is diarrhea. It may take patients many months (and frequent episodes of vomiting or diarrhea) to identify incompatible foods and to learn the practical limits of their newly reduced stomachs or digestive systems. 5. It takes extraordinary courage to consciously limit food choices for the rest of your life (and potentially limit social opportunities built around meals). For many patients, life after WLS means treating food as a fuel, not as a source of drama, excitement, comfort or a central life focus: i.e. eating to live rather than living to eat. While some procedures may be reversible, for most patients WLS is a lifetime commitment, requiring a lifetime of major lifestyle changes. 4. Weight loss surgery can be dangerous. As many as .5% of surgery patients may die from the procedure, and up to 5% may experience debilitating medical complications (especially if they listen to their peers' advice more carefully than their doctor's.) 3. It takes great bravery and strength to deflect other people's judgments and society's myths about obesity. Fat people are often blamed and shamed by family and friends with simplistic advice, unrealistic solutions, and uninformed prejudices. Whether it's for genetic or metabolic reasons, diet and exercise, willpower and discipline have never, by themselves, been enough. Our appetite regulators simply don't work. Without WLS, we don't know when we're full! 2. What gives anyone the right to judge which path is right for another? Is a person who runs a 10K taking a "better" or "tougher" route to wellness than the person who walks vigorously every day? Is working with weights better than water aerobics? Different strokes for different folks. Each of us finds our own right way, and how dare others judge our path to health and longevity! By their reckoning, the most courageous thing would be for us to suck it up and die young. 1. For many morbidly obese people, WLS may be the ONLY realistic alternative for achieving a long, healthy life. The newest research provides irrefutable evidence that body weight is largely a function of genes -- just like height or a family propensity for cancer. These genes help regulate appetite and metabolism. People prone to obesity seem to gain excessive weight easily, while finding it difficult or impossible to lose it. That's why diets almost always fail and why WLS is currently the only viable weight loss option for many morbidly obese people, according to endocrinologist David *******s of the Veterans Affairs Puget Sound Health Care System. Most people can lose no more than 5-10% off their "natural" body weight by exercising and eating wisely. Decades of diet studies show that more than 90% of people who lose weight by dieting gain it all back within 5 years. "There are exceptions, but when you are speaking of general rules, the only people who are able to lose more than 10 percent of their body weight and keep it off are people who have had gastric-bypass or other bariatric surgery," *******s notes. Glenn at www.gastricbypasscoach.com ,VBG WLS 10.24.02, 355/245 Glenn Goldberg, J.D., R.C. is a Writer, Coach, Counselor and Mediator. He has lost about 110 pounds in his first 6 months after his Weight Loss Surgery in October, 2002. Glenn offers free subscriptions to his biweekly newsletter, "Through Thick and Thin", at his website at www.gastricbypasscoach.com. If you're interested, check out Glenn's website to see a picture of him literally wearing his message to the world: WLS is "NOT the easy way out!" © Glenn Goldberg 2003 ~~~~~~~ This is a major decision, having support can only assit you. Many people are simply uneducated, others jealous, some fearful! Knowledgeis power. Ask for support in YOUR decision, afterall no one has to approve/like your decision, that would b great but maybe a compromise to agree to disagree how can your HUSBAND SUPPORT YOU, and at the same time not like the choice! If he truly cares and loves you I feel he can make this leap. Moving beyond his fear into acceptance that this is right for you regardles of his feelings, you are not denying him his opinion at all, appreciate the concern kit is a sign of caring but if he can move past that to see your side all the better! Groups are awesome esp if he would go with you! I brought my mom who was so worried for me, she came to accept my decision realize at 29 yo I was able to make sound judgments and that she was not responsible any more for them, once she freed herself of the possible guilt if harm should come to me she was more open to accept my decision and support me! He can learn alot form you and others in group if he will be open to that! This is only the beginning of issues for your relationship, even the best will have challenges as one person has WLS, they eveolve to be different in many ways, I wish u the best! For me i moved forward no matter what anyone was going to say I had done so much research I could set anyones mind at ease, so that solidified it for me as well! I spoke openly and honestly about my own fears (esp DEATH!) it is a concern and reality we have to consider and come to rips with for ourselves. Luckily all my supporters frinds and family members were + towards me, I did listen to their concerns and acknowledged their views, even if different from mine. Sometimees all someone wants is to be heard, listned to, not RIGHT or WRONG just acknowledged. Listen to the message behind their words, is it fear? educate them, is it jealousy? Well that is theirs to keep, is it ignorance? Educate them again! HUGS Take Care, Jamie Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh 320/163 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery) Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/profile.php?N=c1132518510 "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!"