I'm SO FRUSTRATED! (xpost)

I just had surgery and I know I'm not the best roll model about food issues. But since researching this surgery I've been having conversations with my daughter about eating healthy. She is twelve and for several years we have been trying to cut out the things we think are making her heavy. I work very hard at this. I cook light meals and do my best to keep the junk out of the house. I do have 1 to 2 boxes of snacks (as low fat as I can find) They are instructed to only to bring to school to have at snack recess.

Up to two weeks ago I was making her do the treadmill for 20 minutes after homework. But she has been spending more time outside so she hasn't done the treadmill since. She fights me lately when I suggest her doing some sort of exercise. I have her in softball now which she really likes and in a month swimming starts up. She really tones up during swimming season.

Well DD talks about how she wants to eat healthy and is doing her best. I just went upstairs to clean out her room and there is a box worth of granola bar, candy, and snack wrappers in her room. Spoons which she had peanut butter. To add to it I could tell she was gaining weight and wearing the same pants over and over again. I had her try on her old pants and she has grown out of all of them. My daughter is twelve and will now be going into a size twelve pant and adult XL shirt. She is maybe 5 feet tall. I don't know what she weights because she has been confronted with these wrappers and feels ashamed enough. I won't make her get on the scale now. She was 140 a year ago so my guess is that she is well over 155.

I have been trying so hard to be delicate with her. She does not see her own self as heavy until something like this happens. She even talks smack about other girls being the same size as her and she is way bigger. I am at a loss of what to do. I've told her that she is not eating because she is hungry and we need a counselor. She doesn't want that but she needs something.

Right now she is crying in her room. This is the first time I've confronted her about her weight and I feel terrible. I've always had the position that her confidence comes first and the rest will follow. But we are headed for dangerous ground now. She does need to face facts and come into reality.

I could just cry any advice
(This is a cross post at Teen and Childhood Obesity board but not much action there)

You are right about getting her to counseling ASAP!  You also understand that she is eating for reasons other than hunger.   I would highly recommend that you try to find a counselor who specializes in children & adolescents, as they are a unique population who have different pressures than adults. Additionally, you might try to find a Registered Dietitian who specializes in both weight managment AND pediatrics.  However, that being said I think the first priority is to get her to counseling to find out WHY she is overeating and hiding food in her room. Please send me a private email if you have other questions.   I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. 

Do you think that her pediatrician would be the best person to make a recommendation of counselors and nutritionists in our area? I don't know where to begin looking for one.

If you have a counselor personally, that person could probably make some suggestions about who to see. Otherwise, her pediatrician or school counselor could probably make a recommendation or referral. I have a coworker who has a 17 year old daughter that she has had these same issues with for years...and she's at a loss for how to deal with it as well. And it has effected the things her daughter likes to do, like participating in school drama productions because she's large enough now that the costumes they get have to be customized to fit her. I can only imagine how difficult of a spot this is to be in Heidi. *hugs*

Thanks for the hugs Amy.
I'm in tears right now. My husband called and said my daughter was real depressed this morning.

Have you called the ped's office yet, or the school guidance counselor to see about some referrals? She may really need to see someone. :(

It's before 8:00 am. I will try when the Dr office opens up. I would prefer the Dr and not the school recommendations. I guess I have little trust in the school. They are the ones that send home notes to me on how to stop obesity in children and then serve nachos and mac and cheese for lunch. They give out candy for rewards and have school parties where each kid gets like 5 cookies, a cupcake and a handful of M&M's.

Good morning H.A., I am so sorry to hear about your DD. Your story has touched my heart and I can actually speak from personal experience being in your daughter's shoes growing up.  I was a very heavy girl from elementary school onward and it was a tremendous and at times very traumatic experience for me.  I still carry many many scars with me from those days of being heavy and not understanding what was going on with me.  My mom would try to help me in so many ways, us joining Weight  Watchers together, she buying me special things if I had lost weight, etc.  There were times that when she confronted me that I would be very defensive because I knew that I was very heavy and that I did want to do something about it but I was also ashamed of my eating and really didn't know how to deal with it.  It was a rollercoaster for so long, the more I made an effort, and the more torment from school and my peers, the worse I became.  I know from my own experience that I would sneak food and was a big closet eater because that was what I knew I could do to make me feel better.  There was so much inner turmoil of wanting to "fit in" and also making my parents happy that the stress loads became overwhelming.   I did go to counseling for a long while, even into college years of trying to come to closure about what hurt I was going through.   Eventhough my mom desperately wanted to help me, I needed to find myself, and learn to love myself in everyway, because deep down I absolutely hated my body, the way I looked, and started to believe everything those terrible kids said to me year after year.   It eventually took me being absolutely scared for my future health and where I could end up (heart attack, stroke, etc) and seeing it first hand with my dad and my dear friend that I work with. Now that I am 26, my mom and talk in great detail about my growing up, and I can admit things to her that I couldn't when I was young.   It's soooo tough for kids.  I absolutely agree that counseling is very very important during this time.  It does sound like your daughter has a lot of pain and hurt going on inside her that she may not know how to cope with and she is finding comfort in food.  (My dear cousin is going through this also at 13)   I hope my story made sense and can help bring some light to you as a mom, cause it can be difficult for kids to express what is going on inside them.   My prayers are with you and your family.  And I also wanted to add, Good Luck on your journey as well. :) ~Shannon (I am hear to talk if you need too) 

Thank you for sharing your story. I was that same kid and it breaks my heart. You always want so much more for your kids.

I tried to talk to her about the addictiveness of food and how food can be used to mask feelings, but she wouldn't hear it yesterday.

It definitely sounds like she is hurting badly on the inside and can't express it to you.  I am sure she doesn't want to disappint you either which is also tough. (I went through that alot) I hope that you and your daughter can work through this together, she will definitely need your support and love.   One big lesson Iearned was that I was a good enough person and that I didn't deserve to be trampled on by my peers.  That took a very long time to learn but changed my life. I hope things do get better for you and your family. ~Shannon