Dark Days

Hi All, I don't know why it happens, because I was very motivated and feeling strong, but I've been binging the since Saturday. I didn't even do this weeks weigh in because I KNOW I've gain, but am afraid to look. I'm my own worse enemy. Food totally controls me at times and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. During these times I think that surgery is the way to go Okay, but I've gotten in control of myself, I will get on the scale in the morning and fight it yet again. The only positive from all of this, is that I found out that I really don't care about McDonalds french fries as much as I thought. I purchased a small bag (I used to buy two larges) and couldn't even finish them. Now everything else I purhcased, including 3 chocolate bunnies, I ate with no problem at all. But I woke up with high blood sugar, feeling stuff, depressed because I know I've gained and will have to relose again. And tired of this ride. I know I will once again start to lose, but I sure do take the long way to make it happen Ann

Ann, sweetie, we all have dark days........ I still hang out on the lapband board because that was my surgery of choice..... I was approved and I had my date planned. When I have a binge day, I sometime second guess my decision in not having surgery, however, I still could have binge on my junk food and sweets had I went through with the band !!!!!!!! So I am saying this to say that WLS patients still deal with overeating issues also....... Hang in there sweetie and regain your control and get back on the wagon with us....... You will be fine !!!!!!! Phyllis

Hi Ann... I too have been having a hard time lately. There's several factors that I think have affected mine... But first off, I want to express that even WLS patients go through this, just like Phyllis said. No matter what, once you battle with food, you will ALWAYS battle with food, regardless of whether your 105, 205, or 305 lbs. With that said... I hit a spot -- 169, that I hadn't seen in SOOOOO long, it's almost as if I were just so happy to get to this point, that I lost focus on my long term goal. I imagine something similar has happened to you... you hit that 100 lb mark, and instead of heading off into the 100+ lbs lost zone, you sat back and "rewarded" yourself just like you would've rewarded yourself for an accomplishment when you were heavier. I do the same thing. I've been slowly but surely becoming able to recognize it, and bounce back and correct the behavior sooner and sooner. But WLS patients go through the exact same thing -- we're so used to rewarding ourselves with food. And that has to stop. Last year I was able to catch myself after a gain of 10lbs. As of right now, I catch myself within a few days and a couple pounds. My goal is to ultimately NOT HAVE to catch myself. But it doesn't matter who you are, it's hard to break old habits. But as long as you, rather than IGNORE when you've slipped up, admit that you've done a no-no, and get back on track IMMEDIATELY, eventually you won't reach the point of HAVING to kick your own butt back into shape. I got on the scale after my mini-road trip... end of day, fully clothed, sneakers, everything... and I saw the scale read 181 -- I almost crapped my pants. I knew I had gained a few pounds over the four days I was gone, I could feel it in my face. Turns out I got on the scale the next morning and it read 173... not so scarey... but STILL not where I want to be. But I'm back to my plan, and back to 172 today... I intend to keep it up, and look to see that 169 back on the scale on saturday -- If anything less than that, the better! Hang in there.. and get yourself back on track. Hang out on some of the surgery boards, or even your local board... they go through the same thigns, and sometimes it helps to see how THEY battle it. You'll be fine Ann, you've come this far there's no reason to stop now! -CJ

Ann, I am so sorry you are having some dark days. I hope the sun shines again very quickly. I know just what you are going through. I have recently had some dark days as well. I am with you in that I don't know why all at once it can happen and seem so overwhelming. These times just seem to come out of the blue. One thing I have noticed, I am think you probably have too, is that they don't seem to last as long or do as much damage as they used to, and the dark days seems to always hold the gift of a lesson or new knowledge. I will keep you in my thoughts. Maren

Ann, I know that feeling well. I did get your email this morning also and will reply to that also. This week has been a terrible week for me food wise due to some things beyond my control. Thursday-Sunday I was running to the ICU and home and back when my dad was put in there. He is home now thankfully, but my food choices were fast and quick because I was trying to take care of the kids, the hubby, visit my dad, keep all the family up to date etc... One bright thing is that you bought a small when you used to get 2 larges, that alone shows how far you have come! The chocolate bunnies...well they are evil and deserved it Hang in there and you can do it!! The Peanut Butter Reese eggs are my evil during this time of year and you know every store and gas station sits them RIGHT by the counter.You hide the Reese eggs for me and I will torch all the choco bunnies for you..deal? Tara

Hi Everyone, Thanks all for the kind words. I know my moods cycle high and low a lot, so I really appreciate the support. Please note, that I meant no insult about the surgery, I was just thinking that if I had WLS maybe I wouldn't be able to fit ALL that food that I eat into my stomach I keep going back and forth on whether to have surgery or not. So sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side. Today is a new day and I am going to try again. I think you guys are right that the out control times are smaller and I can recover quicker than in the past. Tara - you said it, Reese eggs rock!! Ann 306/too scared to see/130 Non-op

Ann, I liked what Maren said. Take delight in the fact that you didn't want to finish the small french fries and you didn't! When I let "the BEAST" take over I feel panic and then I try to fix that feeling with food too! I really try to make the best choices even when I'm ravaging through the kitchen like a 5 year old in a sand box. Of course I don't have a bunch of bad options in my house either. But as we all know too much of anything will put those pounds on and isn't it amazing how quickly our bodies remember what to do with extra calories? You will hop back on your horse and you can do it. It is just food after all. Every NO makes the next one easier for me. What I need to do is to figure out what I was feeling or dealing with as the beast started to get bigger and more in control of me and what I might have done instead to change the course of action. That takes guts I think to look inside...haven't done that enough I guess. I wish you well. Mary

I binged today too. I came to an important decision after the bingeing. I am just too obsessed with losing weight. I saw a nurse at one of my clients today who had the weight loss surgery in October 2005. She's lost 103 pounds to date, and has had no ill effects from it. I can't get the wls because my new insurance won't pay for it, and the old insurance would've, but I waited too long to make up my mind. I binged because I was terribly jealous of her fast weight loss! I've been making myself miserable over losing weight my whole life. I'm tired of feeling I have to lose weight. I go to Overeater's Anonymous, and I've decided to put the whole thing in God's hands. I heard a good lead who was slowly becoming thinner, and yet didn't weigh herself. She said the scale made her crazy, and she didn't want it around. I'm beginning to feel the same way she does. If God wants me to stay fat (same weight) and finds a way to keep me healthy, I'll accept that. If God wants me to be thin and healthy, he'll help me find a way to do that, too. I've often said to my husband that if being overweight wasn't always thought of as being unhealthy, I wouldn't bother with trying to lose weight. Denise Phares

Hi Denise, I SOOOO understand what you are talking about. I have fought this my whole life too. And if it wasn't for the diabetes, I don't think I would have any motivation left But your thinking is sounding good. I remember from my ole Ala-non days, Let Go and Let God. Please note I think of you often and wish you well. BTW, I WILL get to the post office this week and send you the Passing for Thin Book, it is great. Annb