More thoughts from a rambler
Hi there folks,
I've had an interesting experience yesterday that I wanted to share with you guys.
I went to NYC with my boyfriend and our best friends yesterday. Our goal was to get those "knock-off" designer bags in Chinatown and to visit Mulberry Street and eat at a nice Italian restaurant and just do some general sight seeing. Well, my boyfriend and I got there first and wandered a bit before he decided to stop in the infamous Ferraras Pastry Shop. For those that don't know, it is an Italian Pastry shop in Little Italy that serves these gorgeous pastries and of course all varieties of coffee and latte, mochas, etc. Expensive as all heck but a great experience. So we get there and obviously there isn't a thing that is sugar free/fat free or anything free. I carefully chose a mocha mint latte which I was sure had some sugar in it, but since I am not incredibly fond of anything coffee I knew that I'd only have a few sips. My boyfriend got a huge latte something, a piece of tiramasu and a black sambuca (licorice flavored liquor). I was fine with all of this, we enjoyed our time there and headed out to meet our friends. Lunch was in an Italian restaurant, I chose broiled salmon and gave my potato fritter to my boyfriend. That wasn't too horrible.
Here is the point of this post 
. We decided to head back to the pastry shop to show them and for them to enjoy themselves. Well, we get there and I look at the menu again and see that they have tarts. These tarts are in shells (which I wouldn't eat), with custard (which I wouldn't eat), covered in sugar (which I wouldn't eat). But they would have berries on top so I figure, heck, I'll ask for the berries. Wellllllllllllll, they aren't an accomodating pastry shop, so he said I couldn't have the berries without the rest. Imagine? So I told him thank you and everyone else ordered. Well between the three of them they consumed 6 desserts and 4 coffee type drinks. YES, 6 desserts. Mind you, each of these desserts cost at LEAST $5.00 a piece. My boyfriend had a mocha layer cake and a zeppoli (crusty custard and cherry filled concoction). Our male friend had a piece of strawberry shortcake, a vanilla mocha layer cake and a chocolate chip chocolate covered cannoli. Our female friend helped to share her boyfriends cakes and had two scoops of gelato (an italian ice cream). I had a glass of water and half of a protein bar that I had in my purse.
My boyfriend having gone through this journey with me only looked at me once and said he felt bad. He didn't feel badly that I wasn't eating, only that they wouldn't give me the berries. I didn't feel bad, I felt fine. I was a bit miffed that they couldn't do the berries but Chinatown had rows and rows of streets with fruit and after we left we went and got a tub of beautiful sweet strawberries for 1.25 a piece!!! What a savings!! 
On the way home we went through downtown Manhattan and my girlfriend needed a huge New York pretzel, so they all got one of those as well. I asked for a bottle of water, which I drank about 4 sips of before I got car sick!!! 
The point again? Well, as they were all consuming their gorgeous desserts I asked myself why. I wondered why I couldn't just have one piece of cake, or better yet just one BITE! I could do one bite, I knew I could. I would have no problem having one bite of dessert, or getting that tart and eating only the berries which might have been coated with custard but surely wouldn't kill me. So, why?? Why didn't I? I alternated between realizing that I could but I DID NOT WANT TO!!! I just didn't want to. I have gone since July 7 doing my program. That is almost 9 months and I can honestly say that I have not swayed from my program at all. I have stayed on track, not eating off of it in the entire time. I consider myself freakishly in control of my program, which alternatively scares me and makes me happy. In some ways I know this is almost as bad as eating out of control, but this is working. I have admitted in more ways than once, more times then once, that I have little control over food. It has controlled me for the better part of 16 years and it was scary. I don't want to go back down that road again, I just don't.
Now here it is the next morning and guess what? I am okay. I don't beat myself up for not having a piece of cake or a tart. I don't wish that I could turn back the clock and eat that fried potato thingie that came with my lunch. I don't long for a bite of a mustard covered carbon dioxide treated pretzel. Right now I am looking forward to my oat bran bread, my eggs and my 2 sips of coffee with sugar free creamer. I really am, how sick is that? I am gearing up for my first big glass of water that I take with my vitamins. And I am here writing to you guys to share again this journey and hope that someone out there nods a few times while reading this and makes me realize I am not alone.
Have a beautiful day.
Donna
. We decided to head back to the pastry shop to show them and for them to enjoy themselves. Well, we get there and I look at the menu again and see that they have tarts. These tarts are in shells (which I wouldn't eat), with custard (which I wouldn't eat), covered in sugar (which I wouldn't eat). But they would have berries on top so I figure, heck, I'll ask for the berries. Wellllllllllllll, they aren't an accomodating pastry shop, so he said I couldn't have the berries without the rest. Imagine? So I told him thank you and everyone else ordered. Well between the three of them they consumed 6 desserts and 4 coffee type drinks. YES, 6 desserts. Mind you, each of these desserts cost at LEAST $5.00 a piece. My boyfriend had a mocha layer cake and a zeppoli (crusty custard and cherry filled concoction). Our male friend had a piece of strawberry shortcake, a vanilla mocha layer cake and a chocolate chip chocolate covered cannoli. Our female friend helped to share her boyfriends cakes and had two scoops of gelato (an italian ice cream). I had a glass of water and half of a protein bar that I had in my purse.
My boyfriend having gone through this journey with me only looked at me once and said he felt bad. He didn't feel badly that I wasn't eating, only that they wouldn't give me the berries. I didn't feel bad, I felt fine. I was a bit miffed that they couldn't do the berries but Chinatown had rows and rows of streets with fruit and after we left we went and got a tub of beautiful sweet strawberries for 1.25 a piece!!! What a savings!!
On the way home we went through downtown Manhattan and my girlfriend needed a huge New York pretzel, so they all got one of those as well. I asked for a bottle of water, which I drank about 4 sips of before I got car sick!!!
The point again? Well, as they were all consuming their gorgeous desserts I asked myself why. I wondered why I couldn't just have one piece of cake, or better yet just one BITE! I could do one bite, I knew I could. I would have no problem having one bite of dessert, or getting that tart and eating only the berries which might have been coated with custard but surely wouldn't kill me. So, why?? Why didn't I? I alternated between realizing that I could but I DID NOT WANT TO!!! I just didn't want to. I have gone since July 7 doing my program. That is almost 9 months and I can honestly say that I have not swayed from my program at all. I have stayed on track, not eating off of it in the entire time. I consider myself freakishly in control of my program, which alternatively scares me and makes me happy. In some ways I know this is almost as bad as eating out of control, but this is working. I have admitted in more ways than once, more times then once, that I have little control over food. It has controlled me for the better part of 16 years and it was scary. I don't want to go back down that road again, I just don't.
Now here it is the next morning and guess what? I am okay. I don't beat myself up for not having a piece of cake or a tart. I don't wish that I could turn back the clock and eat that fried potato thingie that came with my lunch. I don't long for a bite of a mustard covered carbon dioxide treated pretzel. Right now I am looking forward to my oat bran bread, my eggs and my 2 sips of coffee with sugar free creamer. I really am, how sick is that? I am gearing up for my first big glass of water that I take with my vitamins. And I am here writing to you guys to share again this journey and hope that someone out there nods a few times while reading this and makes me realize I am not alone.
Have a beautiful day.
Donna 
Hi Lynette,
I'm glad you feel the same way. I never thought I'd look forward to eating my "regular" foods or having a craving for a string cheese!!!! But I do, I truly do.
You and I have discussed eating like a "normal" person before. This morning I had a quick discussion with my boyfriend and I realized something. I am a food addict. Just like an alcoholic will never be able to drink like a "normal" person again, ie; socially, I will never be able to eat food like a "normal" person. Perhaps changing the focus of what normal is for ME is what is going to help me in the long run.
Does it feel weird to be at a goal now?? Do you fear one day stepping on and suddenly seeing yourself at 300 pounds again?? I know, an unrealistic scenario, but do you???
Thanks again,
Donna
Hi Donna,
Junk food is not good for a "normal" person either. It might not show on the outside of their bodies as fat, but the food a person eats affects their body. Skinny does not always mean healthy. At first, it was really weird being at goal. You can probably rememeber some of my post about going on maintenance. But I've adjusted. I am just eating more of the same kinds of foods that I ate while loosing. I've not "rewarded" myself with pizza, ice cream, etc. I know the potential to be fat is there if I let myself go back to my old habits, but I'm not really worried. I feel very focused on being healthy. What seems to be the weirdest now is that I am writing down my food to make sure I am eating enough so that I won't loose.
Lynette
Lynette and gang, I'm having some difficulty right now with my behaviors at night. Grazing, etc. Having been "at goal" for 1 1/2 + years, it is harder now for me to focus and I've put on about 5 pounds. Before 5 lbs wouldn't have been even noticeable but to me now it seems like a mountain to climb. I know I can do it, I know what to do, I just need motivation I guess. While getting to goal there was progress to be seen. Now maintaining is just the status quo. I'm a goal oriented person. I have a huge convention that I am in charge of coming up in a month and I know I want to look good for it, I've got my next plastic surgery scheduled for September and I know I want to be under my goal by about 5 pounds for that. So I have things I could use....I don't really expect an answer, I'm just venting. Thanks for listening. Mary
hi Mary,
You know, you hit on a very important topic here. I think that for me getting the weight off is going to be the easy part. Figuring out how to do what it is I need to do for the rest of my life is what seems insurmountable.
I am still on the losing path. I have another 32 to go before I hit my goal, but as I have said before I have no idea where my body is going to level off. I wonder what is going to happen when I hit goal. Like you I am a goal oriented person. Getting the weight off to me is very tangible. But like you I now know that if I gain 5 pounds I am really going to feel it. I am happy that you say you feel it. You know deep inside you will never go back to the person you were. I think we are all too self-aware now. You still have goals, the plastic surgery being one. I'm not the RAH RAH type, I am merely going to tell you that you have the strength to beat anything now.
Thanks for posting.
Donna
Hi Mary,
You have the motivation inside you. It's great that you've been able to maintain. I was just thinking today how the focus of food changes when you reach goal. Most of my life the focus has been to try to eat to loose weight. Now the focus is more to eat healthy and try to not loose any more. I can tell from your post that you've already made up your mind to take off the 5 pounds. I know you can do it.
Lynette
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