Confession time

I'm still reeling from my doctors appointment yesterday. I've always thought that I was about 5'5" tall, but to my amazement, I'm only 5'3" tall The reason I'm so sad right now is that my BMI is actually higher than I thought it was! I could really have a pitty party right now, but what good does that do? My appointment was a true wake up call for me. Not only did I find out that I was shorter, but as a smoker, finally had a doctor that told me I was on the way to having emphysema if I don't stop smoking. Did I know this before? Yes, but never had a doctor who took the time and made me realize, "I could be one of those other people you hear about and YES it could happen to me." I haven't cried for such a long time, but apparently it was my time. I was in tears during most of my appointment. I'm becoming more disabled as the time goes along, as my weight is a large part of the problem. I used to see a Neurologist, to which I despise now. I told him so many times that I was having difficulty using my CPAP machine, but he treated me like I was stupid I may be FAT, but I'm far from stupid. Each time I told him about my migraines, depression, and lower back problems, he just gave me a bottle of pills and sent me out the door! I'm frustrated with the medical care that I have had in the past, and I hope that the future care I get is better. I am to the point that I'm unable to work due to all of my medical problems and had to apply for disability recently. I just have a feeling that they will fight me every inch of the way, but plan on getting an attorney when that time comes. I never pictured myself being in a position like this, with my health going downhill so quickly. I'll know in a couple of days if I will be adding diabetes to my list of ailments. I need to do something different from what I have done in the past. I have become a slave to the scale, its my worst enemy. Once I commit to a plan, I have difficulty staying away from the dreaded scale for even a day. I want to be able to see the results of my hard effort, but become discouraged if it doesn't move for a few days even though my intake has only been an average of 1,100 calories. I refuse to use the word diet, as a diet has a beginning - middle - and end. This struggle will never end, it is a lifelong commitment to lifestyle changes. I also need to take a good look at my relationship. My BF has always been an eating buddy. But when the tides change and I'm trying so hard to make changes for myself, he is constantly talking about food, for example: 1) I'm sure hungry (he will say this often). 2) Names off every restaurant while we are driving through town and again constantly says he is hungry. He says that he is going to support my effort, but in turn does not! The only thing I see him supporting when I'm trying to change my habits is "supporting my eating disorder." Yes, I confess that I am a mess. I also know that drastic and quick changes don't usually last for a long period of time, so I'm going to start making small changes to get to where I want to be. I want nothing more than to be healthy again. I want the chance to grow old and have more time with my family. I want to live as long as possible to make sure my disabled child is taken care of Whew, I feel better after sharing this. Today is a new day and I will start making better food choices. Wishing everyone a beautiful day

I agree with you! I have been on many "diets" too, and have still ended up obese. And I can no longer make large changes, either. I am on Weigh****chers Flex Points Program, and am making tiny changes, one day at a time. I have been to OA in my thirties (I'm in my fifties, now), and was educated about food addiction. If I had just been eating the wrong foods, and was not a food addict, I would have solved this problem a long time ago! I feel for you! Denise Phares

Hello there and welcome to the non-op board. I'm glad you cleaned your soul, it always feels good to do that. I know that until I came to grips with my eating disorder, until I became honest with myself about it, I was destined to be obese forever. Making small changes and allowing them to sink in is what you are doing, and what is needed. It's funny that you said you were only 5'3" when all along you thought you were 5'5". I spent YEARS thinking I was 5'8" and low and behold I am only 5'6 1/2". I was floored as well, and yes it also changed my BMI, but not dramatically. Food is all around us. We are constantly barraged with visions of it, smells of it and the inevitable times that we actually have to eat it. Food addiction is by far the worst addiction because we can't live without eating. It's a step by step process, a prioritization of what is important. I figured when I started my program (I refuse to call it a diet as well) that I had already eaten enough of everything in the world to suffice for the rest of my life. I am happy to say that so far I have been successful, but I am not complacent enough to fall into the zone of believing that it will always be like this. I work every single day at continuing to succeed and I will always have to watch what I eat. As we have decided before on this board we are NOT normal when it comes to food. We can't eat what "normal" people eat. When I came to that realization I was able to peacefully go on my way. I hope you find your peace, I think you are off to a good start. Donna

Want2Be, I agree that diet is not the correct word. I prefer way of life, because it will last a lifetime, and involves more than food -- it involves exercise and it involves changing one's relationship to food. Best of luck. Kasey 365/210/195 (nonop)