Things I've learned (warning, long)
Hello all
This is long, as I warned in my title, but all of my posts are long. 
I am back from a five day vacation to Florida. It was beautiful and I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent with my family. I had to share some things, things that made me alternately happy and then sad.
Planes have always been a thing of fear for fat people. I know that whenever contemplating a flight I wonder if I am going to even fit on the plane, in the seat, will the seatbelt buckle at all?? The fear of all of that at times takes away from the excitement I should be feeling over the vacation we are setting forth on. So the morning of the first day of our trip comes. This time I'm actually looking forward to it. The fuzzy memories of my last plane ride have come back to me. Did I hold the seatbelt and pretend it was buckled or did it fit just barely?? Well, I never truly remembered. Isn't it amazing and wonderful the things that we block from our minds? I entered the plane and sat and to my amazement I JUST FIT. I wasn't crammed in but I can honestly say there wasn't a millimeter on either side. The arms didn't move and I was so thankful that the woman next to me was about 4'5 and a tiny little oriental woman. 
My son was on the other side and being a large boy himself he had trouble fitting as well, but that was more than not due to those huge pants he wears!! I reached for the seat belt and fastened it securely, but alas, it too had only perhaps 3 inches extra after I buckled it. I was happy of course that I fit, but confused as well because I know that I traveled 70 pounds heavier and I fit, albeit not well, but I did. I was shocked to realize that had I NOT lost the weight I had I surely would not have fit, and I would have been absolutely humiliated.
Onto the theme parks of Universal and Sea World where I fit fine into the seatbelts but at times had just enough room to fit on the seat on those individual seat rides. The lap bars were fine on the bench rides, the individual seatbelts were fine, but I realized once again had I NOT lost 70 pounds so far I would not have fit in these seats. I have to admit it took a little bit of the zip out of my day to barely fit on these rides but unlike so so many years past I was finally able to ride with my family.
I was fortunate to be in a resort where we had a full condo with a kitchen so I was able to stock up on some of the things I have become fond of. I made all breakfasts at the room so we started our day with good foods instead of laden down with buffet style carbs. Nights were a bit more challenging because we chose mostly buffets which of course feature high carb, high sauce items that I don't do on my program. Days were okay, I chose restaurants instead of kiosks, where we were able to sit down and enjoy our meals. I chose salads of course and never really felt the urge to eat more than that. I was overwhelmed by the amount of food and found myself watching others often, wondering if this was a treat for them, did they eat this way all the time, etc. I marvel at times how obsessed I still am with food. But instead of being obsessed with eating it I am obsessed with NOT wanting to eat it. I wonder if trading off one obsession for another is even healthy. I really don't want the bad foods. I should be happy with this level of self-control but instead of being happy I am confused and a little bit scared.
I have not wavered on this program in the time I've been on it. This program started on July 7 and it is now November 8, and to date I have lost 70 pounds. I'm not bragging at all, my success is being experienced by many on the OH boards. I am proud, of course I am. I am finally able to do something that has eluded me for over 16 years. I guess I wonder when the other shoe will drop. At which point will I turn around and realize that the super obese person that I was is just waiting for me to come back? Or can we change?? Can a morbidly obese person with a food obsession truly change? I really do not crave. I don't have head hunger, I don't feel the need to eat things off of my program. I admit to having an unhealthy fear of eating anything carb, because I am so afraid that it will send me off of this wagon and into an abyss that I have no control over. Those emotions are still so vivid for me. I don't know that they will ever fade. I remember all too well the "diets" started on a Monday and abandoned by lunch time. I remember the bags of chips, the boxes of cookies, the plates of food that I consumed. I remember the feelings of revulsion at the lack of control that I had. All those memories are vivid.
I haven't even really embraced the smaller person I have become. I still feel like I weigh 350 pounds. I looked at people around the theme parks, begging my other half and my son to point out what my body looked like. They were pointing out those that were bigger, but I already knew that deep down they were bigger than me. My heart broke for those people who I was one of for such a long long time, and who I will probably always feel a part of. But I don't know what I look like. They would point someone out and say that my legs were heavier (I've always had tree trunk legs) but that I was even smaller on top them some of them. I have gone from a 26/28 shirt to an 18/20, verging on a 14/16. My pants are down from a 30/32 to a 22 and even those are getting a bit baggy. Why can't I see this? Why when I look at the number 272 on the scale can't I see the successes, instead always waiting for the bad parts to come back?
I know that I am not alone in this. I know that others out there share the same emotions. How do I conquer this, or does it come in time and rushing it does nothing but make it more frustrating????
Thanks all for listening.
Donna
I am back from a five day vacation to Florida. It was beautiful and I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent with my family. I had to share some things, things that made me alternately happy and then sad.
Planes have always been a thing of fear for fat people. I know that whenever contemplating a flight I wonder if I am going to even fit on the plane, in the seat, will the seatbelt buckle at all?? The fear of all of that at times takes away from the excitement I should be feeling over the vacation we are setting forth on. So the morning of the first day of our trip comes. This time I'm actually looking forward to it. The fuzzy memories of my last plane ride have come back to me. Did I hold the seatbelt and pretend it was buckled or did it fit just barely?? Well, I never truly remembered. Isn't it amazing and wonderful the things that we block from our minds? I entered the plane and sat and to my amazement I JUST FIT. I wasn't crammed in but I can honestly say there wasn't a millimeter on either side. The arms didn't move and I was so thankful that the woman next to me was about 4'5 and a tiny little oriental woman. My son was on the other side and being a large boy himself he had trouble fitting as well, but that was more than not due to those huge pants he wears!! I reached for the seat belt and fastened it securely, but alas, it too had only perhaps 3 inches extra after I buckled it. I was happy of course that I fit, but confused as well because I know that I traveled 70 pounds heavier and I fit, albeit not well, but I did. I was shocked to realize that had I NOT lost the weight I had I surely would not have fit, and I would have been absolutely humiliated.
Onto the theme parks of Universal and Sea World where I fit fine into the seatbelts but at times had just enough room to fit on the seat on those individual seat rides. The lap bars were fine on the bench rides, the individual seatbelts were fine, but I realized once again had I NOT lost 70 pounds so far I would not have fit in these seats. I have to admit it took a little bit of the zip out of my day to barely fit on these rides but unlike so so many years past I was finally able to ride with my family.
I was fortunate to be in a resort where we had a full condo with a kitchen so I was able to stock up on some of the things I have become fond of. I made all breakfasts at the room so we started our day with good foods instead of laden down with buffet style carbs. Nights were a bit more challenging because we chose mostly buffets which of course feature high carb, high sauce items that I don't do on my program. Days were okay, I chose restaurants instead of kiosks, where we were able to sit down and enjoy our meals. I chose salads of course and never really felt the urge to eat more than that. I was overwhelmed by the amount of food and found myself watching others often, wondering if this was a treat for them, did they eat this way all the time, etc. I marvel at times how obsessed I still am with food. But instead of being obsessed with eating it I am obsessed with NOT wanting to eat it. I wonder if trading off one obsession for another is even healthy. I really don't want the bad foods. I should be happy with this level of self-control but instead of being happy I am confused and a little bit scared.
I have not wavered on this program in the time I've been on it. This program started on July 7 and it is now November 8, and to date I have lost 70 pounds. I'm not bragging at all, my success is being experienced by many on the OH boards. I am proud, of course I am. I am finally able to do something that has eluded me for over 16 years. I guess I wonder when the other shoe will drop. At which point will I turn around and realize that the super obese person that I was is just waiting for me to come back? Or can we change?? Can a morbidly obese person with a food obsession truly change? I really do not crave. I don't have head hunger, I don't feel the need to eat things off of my program. I admit to having an unhealthy fear of eating anything carb, because I am so afraid that it will send me off of this wagon and into an abyss that I have no control over. Those emotions are still so vivid for me. I don't know that they will ever fade. I remember all too well the "diets" started on a Monday and abandoned by lunch time. I remember the bags of chips, the boxes of cookies, the plates of food that I consumed. I remember the feelings of revulsion at the lack of control that I had. All those memories are vivid.
I haven't even really embraced the smaller person I have become. I still feel like I weigh 350 pounds. I looked at people around the theme parks, begging my other half and my son to point out what my body looked like. They were pointing out those that were bigger, but I already knew that deep down they were bigger than me. My heart broke for those people who I was one of for such a long long time, and who I will probably always feel a part of. But I don't know what I look like. They would point someone out and say that my legs were heavier (I've always had tree trunk legs) but that I was even smaller on top them some of them. I have gone from a 26/28 shirt to an 18/20, verging on a 14/16. My pants are down from a 30/32 to a 22 and even those are getting a bit baggy. Why can't I see this? Why when I look at the number 272 on the scale can't I see the successes, instead always waiting for the bad parts to come back?
I know that I am not alone in this. I know that others out there share the same emotions. How do I conquer this, or does it come in time and rushing it does nothing but make it more frustrating????
Thanks all for listening.
Donna 
Hi Donna,
I can identify with so much of what you are going through. I've done the same thing asking my kids to tell me someone that I am about the same size as. And in a few weeks, I will be going into maintenance and adding more food. It scares me. I am trying hard to think with my brain and not my emotions. I realize that I will never be able to eat like a lot of my skinny friends. My body is just different. I will always have to think about what I am eating and how much. But it is worth it to be healthy. No food is worth going back to the way I was before. I have now lost more pounds than I weigh. Keep up the good work.
Lynette
Lynette,
I know that your going to maintenance scares you. You have mentioned it in the past. I think though that you have a better handle on it then you believe. You have said it before and said it again in this post. You said that you know that you will never be able to eat like a "normal" person and that you are just different. In my eyes acknowledging that and embracing it has already made you successful.
It is awesome that you have lost more than you weigh. And yes, being healthy is worth all of the buckets of food that we have eaten in the past.
Thank you so much for responding.
Donna
If I may be so bold as to assume...............(and, Donna...please correct me if I am wrong).........but, Kasey, I believe Donna is trying to conquer the feelings she is having accepting/not accepting in her head...the changes she has made in her body!
If I am correct, Donna, are you still "seeing" yourself WITH those 70 pounds you have lost?
Our minds are such tricky places!
Mine has been so much stronger than my body lately.....and stress and "drama" have led me to chocolate and junk food! I just can't seem to break out of this "funk" I am in and get back on track to lose weight!
Anyway, didn't mean to rant....just trying to help clarify what I thought Donna might be trying to "conquer".
Hope I helped.
Kandy
Kandy Kandy,
Thank you and yes you are pretty much right on the money when you say that I see myself with those 70 pounds still. I know it is a head thing, and I know in time it will probably end. I guess since I had no real medical problems, and nothing much changed in those areas except for increased energy, I have a much harder time seeing the changes.
I have read this time and time again on the OH boards, and I know it is something that will take time.
Thank you again Kandy and remember, for yourself, one day at a time. You are as close to getting out of the funk as staying in it. One day it will come, and it will stay, the motivation will be yours.
Donna
Thanks, Donna and Kandy. I have the attention span of a ferret on crack, and I have a hard time gleaning the point of very long, rambling posts.
Negative body image problems are common, even among thin women. We are bombarded with images of unnaturally beautiful women, and few of us can match that ideal. I refused to look at myself in the mirror for years.
Since losing weight, though, and especially since my tummy tuck in August, I can't stop looking to myself. And I embraced my smaller self by trading in my minivan (the only car I fit behind the wheel of when I as SMO) for a cute, sporty car.
Best of luck.
Kasey
365/210/195 (nonop)
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