I can't do this anymore!

y'know..........I can "type" a good game.........I get pumped up....I get loud and encouraged...........sometimes, I get quiet and thoughtful...I make a food journal, I make a list of goals, I make a list of "reasons to lose weight/get healthy"............... .........and then I just can't do it! What is wrong with me? I know HOW to do it....I know WHY to do it....I just CANNOT do it anymore! Last night, I had Peanut M&M's for supper....followed by Doritos and popcorn for dessert.......! Tonight I had Chocolate Moosetracks ice cream! I know, I know.......don't buy it and it won't be temptation...keep junk food out of the house and it won't be there for you to eat! I know all the rules! I just don't know how to make the decisions for myself! Why can't I do it? Why do I stand in the kitchen, food in hand...in bowl, in ice cream container, in cup, in plate.....SAYING to myself...."you are killing yourself...one bite at a time"! BUT I STILL TAKE THAT BITE...AND ANOTHER ONE...AND ANOTHER ONE...AND ANOTHER ONE! It's sickening! The addict wins! Kandy

Hi Kandy, I've been there before too. Don't give up. I had to really change my thinking. First of all, you have to do this for YOU. It can't be because of your family, or friends, or that society expects it. Sometimes I even say this is all about ME right now. You have to think of the right way to eat as an opportunity, not a punishment. Instead of thinking I can't eat this or that, I think I can eat that but I am choosing not to right now. Find the right program that can help you. Lowfat doesn't work for me because I like meat too much. Low carb doesn't work for me because it makes me crave sweets too much. LA Weight Loss was just right for me. I get to eat protein, and I can even occassionally have steak. I get 3 serving of fruit everyday, and I get to eat 2 LA Lite Bars (they are like chocolate candy bar - DELICIOUS). My sweet tooth is satisfied so that I don't want foods that are bad for me. I know LA Weight Loss is not right for everyone, but you might want to look into it. If the way you are trying to diet is not working, try something else. There is a diet out there for you. I've struggled most of my entire life with my weight, so I know where you're coming from. I am just trying to share what finally got me on the right track. You are worth it, so don't give up. Set small goals, like 2 pounds a week. But realize that if you don't loose any one week, the next week you might loose 3 or 4. Just because your eating healthy, doesn't mean that your food is not good tasting. I always try to come up with healthy recipes and arrange my food like gourmet. Like at special occassions, I will fix my own food to take and eat. People sometimes even say my "diet" food even looks better than what they are eating. I've kind of rambled, but I am just trying to share with you things that really made it work for me. Pick yourself up, and keep going. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Lynette

Thank you for replying! I appreciate all of the advice and wise words! I've always been a person who puts "ME" dead last.....so, it's hard for me to try and change that! Maybe I can convince myself....... Thank you again! Kandy

Hi Kandy, I'm having the same problem as you right now. I left a post about a week ago called "bad day", well ever since that day I've been having "bad days". Its almost like the only thing that I enjoy is food, and to give it up is the most difficult thing in the world for me to do. I just wanted to let you know that you are most definately not alone. Today I'm wiping the slate clean and starting over I may fail, but I may succeed. If all of these other wonderful people on the non post op message boards can do it, we can to. Keep your head up and email me if you ever want to talk. Good luck, Melissa

Thanks Melissa! I appreciate your encouragement! I hope your "bad days" come to an end as well! Thanks also for the invitation to email. Kandy

Kandy,I am so sorry that you are having a bad time,we have all been there.I can really relate to being a food addict.I hope that it gets better.(((((HUG,KANDY)))))) ,Darlilly

Thanks, Darlilly! I needed that hug! Kandy

Dear Kandy, That damn addict! She's strong and for this moment, she is in charge. But please trust me, it takes a hell of a lot to pounce that babe and get your life back. Right now you're having a tug of war with her. You're making the promises to yourself, getting ready, and planning to eat right, exercise and take your life back. And she--you addict--is highly pissed! You can tell when the addict is upset: you start binging. That's the addicts way of telling you: I AM IN CHARGE. Okay Kandy, we'll give the addict the respect she is due: she's had the upper hand for a long time, and it's going to be tough to put that babe back in her proper place. The awful thing here, honey, is that we are forever stuck with our addict. We can't just throw her away like when the addict throws away her cigarrettes or her alcohol---we're stuck dancin' with this addict everyday of our lives. So--let's begin again. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to begin again, and I know that you have that courage. Maybe not today; or even tomorrow; but you have it. And when you're ready, we'll do it together. Remember the list of "I will" things. You don't have to do any of those things right now. Just post them. Look at them daily. Any step you take to slain the addict is one step closer to regaining your sanity and control. So, write your thoughts toward this addict. Tell her exactly how you feel about her! And read it daily...slam that addict every chance you get. The food will follow; right now, it's about getting your mind right. You CAN do this. You WILL do this; when the time is right, that old addict babe is going to get kicked to the curb!! This is a process. A long and arduous process, honestly. So trust me. I've been there. I was drinking caramel shakes every single day of the week for a month before I was ready to slay my dragon. I overate absolutely everything I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to eat again. Then, one day, it happened. Then the next day, it happened again....I began to regain just a bit of control from my "heffa" as I lovingly call my addict. She rears her ugly head when I'm at work and there is chocolate in the room: I make a beeline for it and eat 5 or 6 pieces before I even realize what I've done! But I recognize: it is my addict; it is not my wish to poison my body with foods that will weigh me down. The same thing goes for you. You are NOT weak. You are not going to be overpowered by your addict for the rest of your life. Let's disempower her. One step at a time. You choose: write her a good-bye letter and read it once a day. Even if you feel nothing, read it anyway. The addict hears you, no matter what she's making you do---she hears you. Then take another small step: put that baby in the stroller and go for that walk the addict wants you to avoid. Slap the sh** out of that addict every single chance you get. Don't try to do it all right this second: it's very hard, and you need to gain your stregnth to overpower the addict who has been in control of your eating for many years now. You are not alone. We all have an addict we're working to disempower. Some of us are getting in our jabs, and but taking a hit or two from the addict every now and then. This is NORMAL. But you don't give up, Kandy. You are worth this fight. It is the very fight of your life. One step at a time, honey. Baby steps if necessary, but make one step today. Just one. The letter... Put the chips on a plate and don't eat them from the bag... One cup of Moosetracks ice cream, instead of the big bowl the addict wants you to have. Every step you take away from the addict, is a step farther away from her you will be. To hell with perfection: we're not aiming for that: we're aiming for progress...small steps in the direction in which you want to go. We've all got many steps to take. Today, take one. You choose. You deserve some peace; so demand it from that addict. One day at a time. Jessica

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I so appreciate your encouragement and advice! Thank you for reminding me that this is a DAILY fight! Even my own profile says "one day at a time"................but, sometimes I guess I forget! Thank you for putting into print for me to see that I am worth this fight! Sometimes, I guess I forget that too! I love your "addict" analogies.......and, if you don't mind, will continue to use it in my fight! Knowing what/who I am up against (me)...helps me out! One day at a time.......baby steps........... THANK YOU! Kandy

Kandy, Your pain is so real to me. I know what you are going through. God do I know what you are going through. I have been there at least a thousand Mondays. I have "talked the good game" at least a million times. I remember in the past having succeeded on my "diet" for breakfast, and abandoned it by lunch time. I remember too the diets that lasted 2 weeks and I lost 5 lbs and I figured it would take me a years worth of Sundays to get to my goal. So I abandoned it and picked up the half gallon of icecream or the tin of cookies or the box of cupcakes and just ate. I remember sitting eating and scanning through the television. I couldn't advance fast enough past the exercise shows or the diet advertisements. And I remember the distress while I was eating. The self-recriminations of "why can't you stop?" I remember those days well. Kandy, I wonder each and every day what changed all of that for me. Maybe it was the excruciating pain from two knee operations and the subsequent chronic pain that followed. Perhaps it was the fact that I couldn't really walk and was drawn to an operation that would re-route my insides in order to stop my eating. I don't know what it was, Kandy, but I thank god for it every day. They say an addict has to hit their bottom before they can stop their behavior. Perhaps that is also true with food addicts. Perhaps there is a bottom for all of us that we hit and then we decide to make it work for us. I think that for some it is vanity and for others it is health and yet others just do it because they are sick and tired of being tired and sick all the time. I think that each and every person that has survived one day on a "diet" is a strong person. I think for someone to confront their addiction day after day and try to beat it is a show of absolute committment and strength. The addiction threatens to be stronger than all of us though and only with careful planning and constant committment are we going to win. It has to be something we approach every single day and try to tackle. And one day, like Jessica said, we will win. And so will you win, Kandy. I don't know your bottom, I'm not sure of your motivation, but I know you will win. You've won before and you will again. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even this year. But with baby steps you will begin taking the journey to where you wish to be. I know you will, just believe in it yourself. Donna