Doc Visit: Blowing off Steam... starting over and over and over

Hey fellow Losers!  lol  (It's the one time I can call someone a loser and it truly has a positive meaning)!

So....  background for those *****ad and don't know me:
I'm the freak who went through all the trouble of losing 125 lbs with diet and exercise, got super lazy during the holidays.... gained back, 10, 20, 30 and now up to a total weight regain of 38.2 lbs. 

It happened at the endocrinologist's office yesterday.  For the first time in almost 2 years, I found myself having to put my hand on the wall to steady myself as I stepped on the scale.... then.. I watched the digital numbers go up and down and up and up and up as I tried to hold my balance.  There was the final number... 238.2 and my hand reached up to cover my mouth as I gasped and said "HOLY ___  " covering my mouth hard before I used the expletive.. still semi-conscious of possibly offending the nurse's delicate sensibilities.

I sat down for her to take my blood pressure.  I tried to remain very calm........ and when she was done she mumbled "150/98"!!!  WHAT!   150/98!!!   I'm always 112/78.. for years.. even at 325 lbs my blood pressure has always been good!

I was led into the examining room feeling quite defeated as I prepared myself for the humiliation to follow.

The doc came in.... looking at my file and shaking his head.  His full lips became pouty where there is usually a smile.  I almost broke into tears.  First... he talked about my blood pressure.  He said that he wouldn't add another medication because he believed that once I stepped on the scale, my bp shot up.  I believe that too.  Next.. my bad cholesterol went from 226 to 146.  I told him that I've made every attempt to be completely compliant with my medications in the past 2 months.  I've been filling a daily pill holder - large enough to hold
4 fish oils
1 prevastatin
1 levothyroxine
1 bumentide
1 10k potassium (split in half because I can't swallow a whole one)
1 Centrum
1 Vicodin
2 bayer aspirin
2 tramadol
and a .5 xanax

I explained that I haven't been compliant with the Symlin because I keep forgetting.  I'm supposed to inject 120units 1 hour before meals.  Most times I don't realize I'm going to have a meal until I have it! 

He tried to soften his disgust at my weight gain by first telling me  he is impressed with the improvement in my cholesterol levels and my a1c was 5.6!  Then he said "Lori... we're going in the wrong direction here" and the tears began to well up in my eyes.  I told him I stopped working out because of the pain in my feet and legs and just recently began to hit the treadmill again after taking a handful of various pain meds (see above).  I told him I had the worst winter I've had since I got my sugar under control.  I was sick more than well, lazy, but at the same time trying to get a small business going to make some $ doing some home decor on the internet and the flea market on the weekend (and it's mostly ceramic kitchen decor.. so it's heavy to haul back and forth).

He changed the Symlin to a less effective injectable.... but when we talked about it - it's not going to be LESS effective since I keep forgetting to take the Symlin in the first place.  This is a once a day injecaible "Victoza".  He increased the synthroid to 75mg a day.  He referred me to a pain specialist to talk about possible new pain management medications which do not prevent weight loss.

...my last words to him as we parted "help me... my only other alternative is WLS.. and I don't want to have my insides rearranged... but... doc, there are worse things than death, and one of them is living like this".  He agreed...

  I go back for more bloodwork in 3 weeks.. and an appointment on July 12.

To those of you of faith... please ask God to help me to give up my own stubborn, spoiled, selfish will to that of HIS perfect will.  Ask him to take away all of the distractions for at least 1/2 hour in the morning so I can come here and find fellowship.  Ask that I keep the presence of mind to remain in prayer all day.  He's given me so much when he took that 125 lbs off of me.... now I fear I'll be throwing all of those blessings away if I don't get back on track and stay there.

Thank you
God be with All of you!!
Lori

 Lori, I will say a prayer for you today, I know how hard this is, it takes all of you to achieve it, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, God does want you to be a whole person, this goes much deeper than the number on the scale, He wants you to be free! at times in my journey I have had to take it minute by minute and stay in prayer, asking God for deliverance and strength, I think one of the biggest tools  I have gained has been to stop fighting, accept where I am at the moment, believe it will change and float through it. Take good care of yourself girl! and know that you are not in this alone!

Michelle  

Well said Michelle!
Lori, God has a plan for you and He has grace, strength and peace for you too. I will continually lift you up in prayer that His will be done in your life. He loves you SO much and wants this for you even more than you want it for yourself because He knows the person He made you to be. Your struggle is familar to many of us. We understand and we are her to support you and pray for you. God bless and take care.

Oh Lori...haven't checked here for a few days and missed your post initially!  I know all you've been through with your weight loss struggle and the sudden ups and downs and all your exercise etc etc.

First of all....congratulations on your cholesterol and A1C levels!!  Let's focus on the positives here!  That's great strides and a magnificent step in the right direction.  I know how devastated you must feel after all your hard work to have the gain.  BUT...if there's anyone I have faith in being able to jump back on that wagon, it's YOU!  You are one strong woman and you have demonstrated that over and over again in the past.

I will certainly keep you in my prayers and ask God to give you that strength once again to fight this battle....He will, you know.

God bless...and hugs....Sherrie

PS....Do you hear anything from Neecee anymore?  I miss her words of wisdom and wonderful outlook on life.

Thanks Ladies...

  I know you know it well, Sherrie.  I miss Neecee too.  If it weren't for you ladies, I would have never come as far as I've come.

  I tried to m ake a commitment to hitting the gym for at least cardio from Monday through friday... and so far so good.  I did not go yet today, but the dayem depression has got a hold of me.  I lost my therapist recently.  His wife is gravely ill, and he called me (as well as all of his long term patients) in for an appointment to tell us he'll be gone for quite a while.. to see if we'll be ok... if he can connect us with another therapist in the group.. blah blah.   With all he has to deal with (she was diagnosed last week with stage 4 lung cancer), I wouldn't dare put another thing on his plate.. as a matter of fact, our last session was spent on him... I wouldn't say a word about how I was feeling.  Right now I feel he needs to stay in the present so he can give his wife the end of life care she needs.  He was really a  mess..............     The point I was originally trying to make is that when I get like this (like after that doctor's appointment), I would go see Jim and work it out so I don't give up.  I understand that taking on such an endeavor as massive weight loss requires us to use any and all tools at our disposal, and I figured, there must be something in my past (or present) that caused me to stop caring about myself... so.. along with my internist, and endocrinologist, I started seeing a therapist about 5 months into it (when I was down about 100 lbs).

Yanno....  this weight loss gave me my life back.  I started leaving the house, having some fun, I met  great man with whom I live (but I KNOW he doesn't like big women).. its my other qualities that have attracted him... and I know if I gain any more weight back.. he'll be gone.  He hasn't been taking me out.... and this morning I let him know that he's taking me for granted.... and the price I paid for the last year for taking care of him, cooking his meals (and I don't mean hamburger helper), and packing his lunches at 4:00am... along with his breakast, and washing his clothes the way HE like it, and being sure the mini in the bedroom is always full with his favorite drink so he doesn't have to wander in his underwear looking for a diet dr. pepper at 3:00am.....   running his errands, clothes to be altered, his rx's (cholestero).
  The price has been, that i haven't been taking care of myself.

I see to it that his needs are met and the home he comes home to after work is perfectly clean and the towels are alwyas at the ready, and he never has to search for shorts or shirts or socks.  He never finds the soda cans he leaves laying around the night before.. his breakfast is served in bed....... but my energy level only goes just so far... and i haven't had enough energy for me.
\
this morning I told him i've had it.  Here we would have had a free weekend, and i offered to host all his childen and grands for father's day. . and hoped we would go out sat ,. but he announced hes going fishing sat,.. (when i could have booked a booth at the flea market and made some money (too late now).. 
told him I've had it.... asked if he thinks just because I'm fat he gets to treat me like this. .. taking me for granted etc.

So yea.. Im off.. hopefully I'll get a nap and finish my weekly committed visit to the gym for cardio.  i did hire a new trainer, but hes on leave and wont be bac****il next week.  Hence, the house won't always be spotless, fancy almond crusted flounder dinners wont't be the far, and he may have to hunt down u nderwear, but I think it's time to be selfish

Monday I weighed 238.2   this morning... 231.7....   trying to get back on my do sherrie.. truly.
'
Love ya girlie
Lori

OKAY!  That prayer stuff is working already!  That's the Lori I knew and loved....the one that decided enuf was enuf and "I ain't gonna put up with it no more!"

Time to be selfish Lori...If that's what you want to call it.  To me it sounds like a VERY healthy choice in the right direction.  Who deserves this more than you?  And in my humble opinion, any man who takes you for granted and loses interest as the scale goes up isn't worth a grain of salt!!!  (let alone breakfast in bed)

YOU GO GIRL....all in the right direction!  


....Sherrie

You're absolutely right Sherrie.... it's nothing he says.. it's how he ACTS... and actions speak louder than words.

When I met him, I weighed 25 lbs less than I do now and after seeing me for a couple of months he told me I was "TOO BIG" for him.  Don't know why he came back.. and he's never said it again...... and he even tries to say he likes my butt and stupid stuff like that... but everytime he says "I LOVE YOU".. I keep hearing in my mind "but you're too big for me".

God help me.. I care for him.. he's a good man.  He works hard, takes care of his children, doesn't drink, doesn't do anything without putting thought into it.  We never have harsh words... but for some reason.. he doesn't take me out other than the usual outting for groceries.  I think he's embarassed to be seen with me.  He needs to think back at the 5 or 6 guys that got super pissed at him when they found out he was with me and I was no longer available.  How quickly they forget.  

This morning I told him that what happens when you take a woman for granted is that she either cheats, or leaves.... and it's getting to that point.

 Lori,
I want to recommend a great book to you, it is well worth it to get and use in your recovery process, it is called "Breaking the grip of dangerous emotions" and the author is Janet Maccaro PH. D.   C.N.C.
She goes into great detail on how emotional depletion that leads to depression anxiety etc.. happen and how to find your way out of it. She talks about it from a spiritual standpoint, letting God bring the strength and ultimately the victory and even talks about Women especially investing so much in men to identify their own worth and value. This book has so much information in it and beyond that it is very comforting because she is now living in freedom herself having gone through severe depression and anxiety panic disorder. She is a nutritionist as well and so she has guidelines for healthy eating. Please consider getting this book, and using the tools in it add to your "tool box" still praying for you!

Michelle

Ty....  will have to muster up everything in me to get back out of the house today though.  hahha..  

I forced myself out of bed around noon... went to ship a couple of things I sold on ebay..   then I went to the gym.  I drove there... pulled into the parking lot.. turned back out of the parking lot and came back home to my prison.  It's nice and cool and dark and safe in here...  although I know if I'm home, it means I have to do some work.  Pffffffffffft..
First a fresh pot of coffee, 2 vicodin, 2 tramadol.. and a partridge in a pear tree.

God help me..... I gotta drive down to Augusta to deliver something to this lady for 6pm.  He'll be home at 4.... wondering what's for dinner.  For the first time in over a year.. THERE IS NO DINNER!   Let him go catch some fish and eat that.

(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry your finding yourself back in a deep hole, one that you had climbed out from and now you have to struggle not to tumble back in.

Please get to the gym and get started on exercising - I think it will help you feel so much better and hopefully give you strength for the rest of your battles. You are stronger than you think and I know you can do it once you get back on the wagon.