In need of counceling session

I just got done emailing Sherrie about this, and I thought I would see what you people have to say.  I'm sure it's nothing out of the ordinary, but for me it sort of is, as I have always "wanted" to work on my weight loss.  I'll just post what I told Sherrie and work from there. 

 

I’m just really confused right now on why I don’t care!!  I do care, but I don’t care, if that makes sense.  I know I need to lose the weight, to LIVE.  BUT, I almost feel like maybe I’m giving up?  I’m to the point where I’m thinking I am not one of these VERY few that actually make it. I just don’t know where my gesto has gone.  I have none, zilch, notta, NOTHING!!  It’s like I instantly want to be thin.  I have NO willpower at all right now, NONE.  Why???????  I keep wondering is it because I’m so unhappy with so many other things that I can't do anything about and trying to ignore it all, so might as well ignore this too??  Lol, I don’t know, but I’m confused.

 

Alright, now I don't know where this is coming from.  At first I just gave up and decided it must not be my time.  That I'll feel like it in a little bit.  But that never came, so now I'm basically forcing myself to try.  Every monday, new diet, new plan, no plan, whatever.  I've noticed I eat maybe one meal?? lol, and fall off the wagon.  It's not like I'm interested at the moment.  Am I giving up??  I talked to my mom a few weeks ago and told her I most likely won't be here (otherwise passed on) in several years.  That has really made me wonder if I seriously have given up.  Since I can't seem to grasp on to anything.  

 

I have noticed in my life I need variety, lots and LOTS of it.  I don't have that right now, haven't in quite a while.  Lol, I'm a gemini and I literally act like it.  Anyway..(i'm rambling on), I'm so confused on where my life is heading, or if my life has stopped for good.

 

Holly, I know that you know the ins and outs of every 'plan' out there so if a plan is not working for you, maybe you need a plan that isn't a 'plan'.  I have a friend who lost weight by eating regular everyday food, but only until she got full.  Now to do this, she had to become very in tune to the exact moment of when she had eaten enough and was satiated and not eat beyond that point.  She would go out to lunch and only eat half of her food then take the rest home for dinner.  She ate three meals a day and two snacks.  When she ate, she chewed very slowly and drank small sips of water with her meals.  After she had gotten used to not overeating, she started eating only healthy foods and then added exercise.  She lost sixty pounds and got in tune with her body but she started out eating regular people food until she could wrap her head around not feeling deprived.  I think it's a perfect way for people who are having trouble giving up everything at one time.  At the very least, it would stop one from gaining and the variety of foods is definitely there.  Just something to think about.

Mary 

HollyRachel - me again.  *grin*  Are you reading my journal?  Sure sounds like it!

You said, "I have noticed in my life I need variety, lots and LOTS of it."  Part of the problem with diet (and exercise) is that it's boring, dull and then boring some more.  I need mental activity and loads of encouragement to stick with it on the long haul.  When we diet, we cut down on one of the few 'pleasurable' activities of the day - eating.  When we exercise, for me there is no mental stimulus, just one-two-three (pant puff) - four (am I touching my toes yet?).

Perhaps if we could build a rat maze - a different one each day - and have to puzzle out where our food is, we'd get the exercise, the variety, and the mental stimulus we need.  (This is a joke, but there's a kernal of truth underneath this somewhere.)

There's no advice here, just an understanding nod.

Belle

Good Lawd Belle, youze a genius!  We could start a maze gym franchise and have these things all over the country.  It would give a new meaning to the term 'gym rat'!

Mary

Omg, I love it!  A gym called "Gym Rat".haha  Although I actually meant variety in a sense of that I like variety of EVERYTHING in my life, not specifically for foods.  But sure, I love all foods too!haha  I'll have to go read your journal now. ;)  

As for you Mary....hmmmmm..lol  Yanno, it sounds so simple.  Just like one doc told me one time "eat only half of what is on your plate, that simple".  That is exactly what he told me.  Now I know what you mean, and man...I wish that would work!  But unforatnely if you are uncontrollable and not really caring at the time, then you are going to eat!  And that is my problem.  I would LOVE to eat how you are talking about.  I just don't have it in me to do that, and that is what my problem is.  Guess I am giving up on myself to a point, just not sure how bad this point is yet!

Well, it is definitely something that she had to "practice" and she didn't get it all right all of the time.  It took her a while to get used to, but once she started being aware of being full, it got easier.

My mother had a problem after she had high blood pressure and a stroke, the part of her brain that told her that she was full didn't work anymore.  She would eat a plate of food and then a few minutes later she was still hungry.  I think for a lot of us, we don't exercise that part of our brains enough so instead of being aware of being full, we override the commands and allow ourselves to overeat.  You may not be at the point of being there mentally, but it is something we all need to focus on more.

Maybe this is something we need to incorporate into the "Gym Rat" gym!

Mary

Holly....I think for the both of us....way down deep we don't think we're worth the time and effort it takes to do this.  I know looking at myself from an outsider's point of view, no one would ever think this of me.  I'm an outwardly appearing confident woman....successful as a wife (partner) and mother and grandmother...very successful in my career....well liked and respected among my friends....very supportive family member that everyone looks to for encouragement and strength....and yet, I am such a failure in my own eyes because of my struggle with my weight and never being able to achieve my goal of normalcy.  I don't know at this point in my life if I ever will.

Quite honestly...I wish I hadn't spent my whole life so unhappy in this body.  I wish I had just accepted and loved "me" as everyone else in my life has.  I think I would be a happier person.

Awe Sherrie, you just made me cry.  We are so much alike.  It amazes me how you always know instantly how I feel.  One thing different between us though is that ARE an amazing woman, wish you would realize this.  Look back on your past, look what you have accomplished!  Now you are doing what you still love to do, you are extremely active, you are VERY social, to me you have it all! I wish I could fulfill my life with half of your successes. I hope you can see it in yourself that you are a remarkable person inside and out, and use that as a tool to help you with your last battle to fight this.

You hit home of course, but with me I don't feel like a success like you are.  I have my husband and my kids to show for it, but that is where it stops.  I know to be thankful for that, and I am, but for myself personally, I haven't even done anything I want to do...none, zilch.  I don't see any happen in the near future either.  Not to make this a pity party, but the fact is, I am in some tough spots with my life.  Spots where I don't know how to get out of, and don't see any way of getting out if it.  Think that might be taking a toll on my ambition in the weight loss department.  it's the only thing I can think of.  I'm just trying to find it back, but the more I think about it, the more I doubt it will happen.  Sort of like a reality call to myself.  Think this goes down more than just a "plan" or what to eat, it has to do with happiness.  After all, our emotions are what gets a LOT of us in trouble.  My husband now even reckognizes that I'm not happy, and says I haven't been in a long time.   Okay...enough pity party! :)  

HUGS!

"I hope you can see it in yourself that you are a remarkable person inside and out, and use that as a tool to help you with your last battle to fight this."

Wonderful advice for all of us who suffer with lack of "self worth".....for whatever reason.  Now turn that statement around and direct it at yourself there, lady!! 

I think being out of control with my eating is like having a bad hair day for me.....it affects every aspect of how I look at my life.  I get in that cycle of guilt and shame and disgust and hate myself and it reflects on how I interact with the world.  I don't feel like being nice to those around me and just want to insulate myself and retreat with my food...which of course brings on more feelings of guilt and shame and disgust.  

Likewise, when I'm making healthy choices and going to the Y and doing my water aerobics, I feel like a completely different person....positive, confident, and on top of the world.  (Now mind you....these polar opposite feelings can both occur while the scale is at the same weight....which just goes to show you it's not the weight that's the determining factor, but my ATTITUDE)

Holly....I know you are feeling completely overwhelmed at the moment.  I think it would be helpful to have a long talk with your physician and find a medication that can help you take the edge off your anxiety and those feelings of being overwhelmed so that you can fight your way back to the surface and take that deep breath of fresh air.  (My daughter has found that right combination, and it is wonderful to see her able to cope once again and enjoy life).

Hugs .....Sherrie

Holly, you said, "...but for myself personally, I haven't even done anything I want to do...none, zilch."  What is it that you'd like to do?  Is it an artistic goal, or perhaps one of adventure? or education?

It sounds like you're overwhelmed with cir****tances right now.  The (not so) funny thing about them is that we rarely have any control over them, no matter how much we worry.  The tricky part is learning how to remain calm in the midst of confusion.  Sometimes the best thing you can do when you're all tangled up is to stand still until things settle down.

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As for the 'Gym Rat' idea, I keep envisioning a maze where one 'dead end' has a stationary bike in front of it.  You have to pedal for X minutes before the wall rises and you can continue on --  until you hit another 'dead end', and you have to lift hand weights for X minutes before that wall rises, etc. etc.  It could be very creative!