My name is Nikki, I am 34yrs old.  I have a fabulous husband who tells me how beautiful I am everyday and I have 2 great kids, 13 and 2.
I have suffered from hypothyroid, PCOS with Insulin Resistance all my life pretty much.  I have always been heavy and it has been a major obstacle in my life.
I am hoping someone out there doesn't think I am silly, or maybe can offer some advice.  I have been doing some research and I think my biggest problem is I am addicted to junk food.  Not just saying that but seriously addicted.  I go through mood swings, severe depression, etc which I know are also symptoms of my other medical problems.  I finally found a good doctor and I finally broke down and asked for antidepressants.  To give you an idea of what I go through....for example I recently went out to Wendy's for lunch with my mom.  I was trying to be good and ordered the grilled chicken sandwich, fries and a soda.  My mom got me the medium size and in my head I was having a mini anxiety attack just because I didn't get the large soda.  Another time I went through the house and got rid of all the candy, chocolate, etc so I couldn't eat them.  I would then stop by the gas station whenever I was alone and buy candy bars to sneak.  And I wouldn't buy just 1 or even 2, I would get like 3 or 4 regular size candy bars and eat at least 2 of them, then hide the other 2 in my purse so I could eat them later that night after the kids were in bed.  
So I told my doctor a little about this and she put me on Wellbutrin a while back, then a few weeks later she increased my dose.  It helped for a while, I was doing good, not craving the junk food, not having the anxiety but now its back full force and even a little worse than before.  I know I should probably go back to my doctor but is this really something that I should try to control with drugs the rest of my life???
I want so badly to get this weight off and feel better physically and emotionally.  I also developed an irregular heartbeat after having my 2yr old and my cardiologist told me that if I don't get my weight off I won't live to see my children become adults.  Plus my husband and I would really like to have another baby in the next few years.
You would think the threat of dying young would be enough to jolt me into action and I know all the things I should be doing and how to go about it but I just can't seem to make it happen.  Some people I know have accused me of not having the motivation or being lazy.  I am motivated, I really have a strong desire to be healthy and I dream about it all the time.  It has become an obsession and I am so frustrated and angry.
Is there anyone out there that has any idea what I am talking about.....am I crazy????  Am I just making excuses so I don't look like I am being lazy????
Sorry this is so long and I hope I didn't offend anyone.
Have a good night!

No, Honey..no offense!  i am glad you popped in! BTW...you are GOOD just the way you are, so it is important to put your deep feelings down and evolve even higher.

Stick around, sweetie! I applaud you for even talking about getting help. I should have years ago looked into an antidepressant. I was a serial fast fooder myself. Only I was sneaky about my food...very pretty images of me with my face in the fridge just jabbing food into my mouth. or sitting in some fast food parking lot doing the same thing. Sometimes I would even be crying, but nonetheless...stuffing the food in. So, I too have been a sick lil puppy with my food.  I recognize your insane behavior cuz I was there, believe me.

Honey, off the top i will say that your post indicates that you have a tendency to blow things WAY out of proportion and are living in your head rather than out here with the rest of the world.  Now, all of us do that to a degree, but when we are out of whack - you are to be commended to go seek help.  My recommendation to you is to work with yourself - or a counselor - to begin to back off your inclination to react to all things in such a big way. The drugs are only one tool...you may need to get into a group therapy to talk it out or even think about Overeaters Anon or something.

Things to get Big Thoughts but not obsession level on would be:  are my kids safe? do i show love to my family? Am i getting proper nutrients every day? Did i move for at least 10 minutes today?


so...do not automatically assume that it will be the "rest of your life" for meds thoughts. It may well be, but train your mind to start with Today....how can i make today beter.  yes, Tomorrow exists - well probably  anyway-   but there IS no time like the present...the Here and Now. 


I cannot say I have had anxiety when I did not eat enough, but your post fascinated me on that one. That tells me also that you do need the wellbutrin...for now. You said it helped you, so i encourage you to get on it and stay on it til you are in a better state. 

I started Wellbutrin in June....I am menopausal and was seeing a weird pattern of anger, increased anxiety for the past year. The words that kept coming to my mind was "I feel overwhelmed" . 

This is the first time in my life I have ever taken any of that stuff - which is NOT to say i did not need some at times in my life. In fact - that last statement is why I really considered being brave and taking something.  Several people in my life could use somethng themselves in my book - big changes in their usual demeanor or they are really difficult to the point where I know i don't want to be around them.   I was starting to wonder if others saw the same type of hard-to-deal-with behaviors in ME. 

Anyhooooo.  I can say that I do feel better overall.  i am sleeping better, for one thing, since I started it. i do feel less overwhelming thoughts.  In fact, I was doing what your post indicates - blowing things WAAAAY up. It feels better for now at least that I seem to be able to isolate things that really bug me and just look at them rather than build up this big mental case around it. 

Honey...I have not met you but already empathize and feel i know you.

Hi Nikki,

You are not alone, most of us have this struggle. You are not lazy or crazy - YOU ARE ADDICTED to processed food. I know I have many of the same problems you have. I strongly suggest you read this book by Dr. David Kessler who used to be the head of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) who clearly calls it an addiction. The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite. It clearly registers in the same part of the brain that crack cocaine does in addicts.

It means that you have to stop eating all processed food to get over this addiction just like an alcoholic cannot drink any alcohol or the cravings come back. You may also need some more intense psychotherapy for a short time to help you through this process if you find it too hard to do on your own.

It is a serious problem and unfortunately the large conglomerates that own all the restaurants and food processing companies keep blaming us for not being responsible and not exercising enough. The real problem is this is not real food - it's designed as super food to add more sugar, salt and fats as well as chemicals you've never heard of to make it addictive and irresistible so we can't stop eating it and adding to their profits. Think of it like tobacco - how addicting it is if you smoke cigarettes and how the companies kept saying it was safe to smoke and it wasn't addictive - well we know better now. Well it's the same with all processed food whether you buy it in a restaurant or at your local grocery store. It means giving up all processed foods that you're used to eating like white bread and canned soups etc. You have to switch to eating only whole foods and making all your own meals. Some of us in time can adjust back to eating a few processed foods, but most of us will always be addicted just like an alcoholic. It's very hard to start to do but once you get used to it you find that the food is extremely salty and fatty and tastes weird sometimes. If you want more info, let me know because I can suggest some other resources if you're interested.

Skylar

Nikki, I found this today in my newspaper and thought you and others would enjoy  reading it - from the Boston Globe, by Ellen Goodman.........


    Ellen Goodman

Putting obesity out of business

By Ellen Goodman   July 24, 2009

WHAT CAUGHT my eye was not just the ashtray sitting forlornly on the yard-sale table. It was the sign that marked it “vintage,’’ as if we needed to label this relic of mid-century America.

 

Ashtrays that once graced every airline armrest, coffee table, and office have gone the way of spittoons. Today the car’s cigarette lighter is used to juice up the cellphone. Ask any restaurant for the smoking section, and you’ll be shown the doorway.

If I had to pick the year attitudes changed, it would be 1994, when seven CEOs of Big Tobacco came before Congress and swore that nicotine wasn’t addictive. A lobby too big to fail and too powerful to oppose began to lose clout. Smokers are no longer seen as sexy and glamorous but as the addicted dupes.

I don’t know that we will ever have such a dramatic moment in the annals of Big Food. But I have begun to wonder whether this is the summer when the (groaning) tables have turned on the obesity industry.

Now that two-thirds of Americans are overweight, the lethal effects of fat are catching up to those of cigarette smoke. We regularly hear the cha-ching of obesity costs in the healthcare debate. And we are beginning to see that Overweight America is not some collective collapse of national willpower, but a business plan.

A measure of the moment is “Food Inc.,’’ a documentary chronicling the costs to the land, worker, and customer of a food industry that’s more grim factory than sylvan farm. A system that makes it cheaper to buy fast food than fresh food.

A more personal measure is David Kessler’s bestseller, “The End of Overeating,’’ which is both a thinking person’s diet book and an investigation into an industry that wants us to eat more. The former head of the FDA had crusaded against smoking, but found himself helpless before a chocolate chip cookie. So this yo-yo dieter set out to discover what exactly we’re up against.

Kessler is a scientist, not a conspiracy theorist. He takes you to an industry meeting where a food scientist on a panel called “Simply Irresistible’’ offers tips on “spiking’’ the food to make people keep eating.

We eat more when more is on the plate. We eat more when snacks are ubiquitous, when flavors are layered on and marketed as “eatertainment.’’ As one food executive admitted to Kessler, “Everything that has made us successful as a company is the problem.’’

Sometimes it seems that our consumer society sets up the same conflict again and again. Sophisticated marketing campaigns hard-sell everything from sex and cigarettes to the 1,010-calorie Oreo Chocolate Sundae Shake at Burger King. And we’re told to stay abstinent or tobacco-free or skinny by resisting them. We are even promised “Guiltless Grill’’ entrees at Chili’s that can weigh in at almost 750 calories and are only guilt-free when compared with the Texas cheese fries that tip the scales at 1,920 calories.

The analogy between Big Tobacco and Big Food is imperfect. You can’t quit eating or wear a food patch. We are also quite torn between “size acceptance’’ and criticizing fat as a health risk.

But if the campaign against smoking provides a model, it’s in the effort to label restaurant foods and expose the tactics of Big Food. It’s also recasting the folks who bring us bigger food as obesity dealers. As Kessler writes, “The greatest power rests in our ability to change the definition of reasonable behavior. That’s what happened with tobacco - the attitudes that created the social acceptability of smoking shifted.’’ Are we the addicted dupes of the Frappuccino?

The honchos at McDonald’s may never confess how the Big Mac made us bigger, and the food scientists at Frito-Lay may not explain why we “can’t eat just one’’ potato chip. But maybe this will be the year when an entree of chicken quesadillas with bacon, mixed cheese, ranch dressing, and sour cream - 1,750 calories - begins to look just a little bit more like an ashtray.

Ellen Goodman’s e-mail address is [email protected].

© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.

Hii Nikki,

I feel for ya I really do.  I can only imagine what you are going through, as I only have half your symptoms and have a hell of a time.  When I read what happened with the pop at Wendy's my heart just dropped for you.   You definitely have some eating disorders.  Have you ever thought about talking to a psychologist?  I'm almost wondering if that is  your best bet.  I know I would LOVE to talk to one, but finances right now are tight so it's a no go.  I have a feeling if you could find a good one that specializes in eating disorders, that might be the ticket for you.  

I am also one who loves junk food.  I love healthy foods also though, but I can't resist fast food restraunts.  They are addicting, and so far the only way I have found  to deal with them is to unfortantely not go to them.  For years, (still doing it) I have been trying to find a middle ground, being able to enjoy them, since I do love them so much.  I just can't find one!  Maybe for some people, they can, but I haven't had too much luck the past few years in this catagory.  It's a shame they make them so addicting, because I know how you feel, as I write this my mouth actually waters for Mcdonalds or Taco Bell., and I just woke up!

Stick around, the board seems to go in spurts on how busy it is.  But we all lurk and are here.  If you want, I love to email, so anytime you want to vent feel free.  Your post sort of hit home for me, because just last night I told my own mom that I don't think I"ll be around in the future.  I have also been overweight all my life, and can't seem to grasp it.  I know I have it in me, but my household makes it hard, and my depression and moods get the best of me on occasion.  So thi**** home with me.  All night long I've been thinking about what I told my mom.  Trying to figure out if I really want to give up the battle and give in and just "die", because we all know that is what will happen.  I want to see my kids grow up though, but why can't that vision keep in my mind when I see that taco or hamburger?? Yanno?    I've personally got to make a decision either go cold turkey, or give up.  There is no middle ground for me.  It's addicting, I am an addict, I have no control over foods.  The only way for me to control it is to take it out of the equation.  Pretty sad that we actually have to really think...."is that big mac worth the rest of my life?"  Alot of people would immediately say no, and never eat it again.  Why can't we?   It's sad, and actually pathetic in my own eyes.  Makes me disgusted of myself, then it's a rinse and repeat cycle.  ok..I'm rambling..hehe Hope to hear from ya more!! Try to remain strong!!

Thanks for the great replies.  I am feeling a little better today.  I wrote that during one of my really low points.
I am seeing a counselor, we just started in May.  I saw her yesterday and shared with her about what I posted and talked about how I feel obsessed with food, etc, etc.  This is the first time we have talked about my weight or anything associated with it.  We have been tackling other things I am dealing with right now, suffice it say I have a lot on my plate at the moment.
Anyhow she is going to be calling my doctor and discussing my current antidepressents and see if there is something they can tweak or change to help make it better again.  In the meantime she totally believes in food addiction and we are going to start taking positive steps towards a solution for me with that.
I hope you are all having a great weekend and I look forward to talking to you all more!

That's great!   I know those "bad days' can get the best of you! Glad you are feeling better.

I truly understand your point. I had to try three different anti-depressants untill I found one that work continuously. Effexor worked for me in the long haul. Wellbutrin worked for awhile but then it stopped. Meds can be lots of trial and error but do not give up.