Back again and still (or even more) desperate

Hi Guys

 Here I am again, after being away for a while. And I am still very bad at healthy living. The l;ast months I stopped weigh****chers and I reached an all time high again of 160 kilograms, so my weightbar is incorrect now.

I looked into GBP again and almost decided to go forward with it; I can never seem to last on healthy diets more than 3 days, then the evil monster gets me back and I end up bingeing. :-( I was on the verge of calling the doctor to go forward with WLS, but then we got some awful news: my dad is sick again, his cancer returned and this time there is no cure. My friend, my hero, will die withtin the next months/year...

I cried my eyes out and of course, the whole WLS thing is going to have to wait once more; this next year if about dad and I don't want to add to the stress for him and my mum by doing WLS.

I do wish that I could lose significant weight on my own before he dies, because that would take one burden of his shoulders. I know he worries about my weight. But since I heard, I am stuck in a pattern of bingeing my feelings away again. Even for him I can't seem to lose it, which makes me feel so depressed. I am really a loser, and not in the good sense of the word.

I want to try to start turning things around again. Now I am in a downward spiral and it will only get worse the next year, so I better do something NOW before I end up at 200 kilograms... I need to get my act together, start logging on sparkpeople again, try to move a bit, try to eat healthy. Show my dad that he can be proud of me and doesn't need to worry. I hope I will be able to post more often, it always gives me support to be here and be understood. And I also take encourgament from the fact that there ARE people out there who did it without WLS (like emmorph). So that's why I am back.

Luckily, dad is feeling well still, so we want to spend this summer doing nice things with each other, daytrips, little holidays, with the kids; they are his everything. IOt is so very hard that they will never remember their grandpa :-(

Love from Holland

Carina

Hi Carina, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are having to go through with your Daddy right now.  I know exactly how hard it is to face such news, my Daddy passed from cancer three years ago and I'm still trying to deal with him not being here.  I seem to have spoiled him rotten and I miss not having that anymore.  Good news for DH, I transferred all of that to him.   

As for your children not remembering their grandpa, take a million pictures now and write down what the occassions were and what you talked about and your children will grow up with these tales and always remember their grandfather.  My niece swears she remembers conversations with my Mother, but that's because we have told her of all of the times she made her laugh and the fun things they did together when she was a baby so now she has all of those wonderful "memories" that have been created for her. 

And yes, it would be nice if you could lose some weight before he passes, but since this is not the time for you to be dieting, you will just have to talk to him and assure him that as a promise to him, you will do all that is within you to get the weight off of you.  There will be time later for you to concentrate on getting over your binging disorder, but right now, with all of the emotional upheaval that you are facing you would just be setting yourself up for failure and that is exactly what you don't need to add on top of everything else.  Try to be gentle with yourself for your past failures, do everything you can to learn from them, and then move forward when the time is appropriate for you.

When my Daddy passed, I had already lost my weight and had two reconstructive plastic surgeries to return my body to normal.  The problem was, there came a time when I just didn't care anymore whether I kept the weight off or not and I went off of my plan.  It took my husband to help me realize that it was not what my father would have wanted for me and he would have felt bad if he was the reason for me gaining weight.  It wasn't easy, but I did finally get my act together and got back with the program...and so will you one day, it just takes a lot of time and prayer.

Enjoy being with your father while you still have the time and remember, there will come a time that he will tire easily, so remind the young ones he'll need a break. 

I'll pray for peace of mind and spirit for you and your family,

Mary 

I'm sorry about your father's illness but you have a very mature and healthy outlook to spend the rest of his time here with you and your family to build up great memories. Take lots of pictures so your children will be able to look at them and it will help bring back his memory.

I think it's wise to postpone the WLS so you can focus on what is important to your family. However that doesn't mean that you shouldn't give up losing weight. Make healthy choices - stay away from processed foods and just eat whole foods such as whole wheat bread instead of white bread. Eat lots of veggies and fruit and avoid fried and sweetened foods. You don't have to count calories or anything, just try to make healthy choices while you are dealing with your emotions. When you feel better then you can work on making a strong effort towards weight loss. Enjoy the time you do have with your father.

Skylar

Carina:

I'm sorry about your daddy's illness.  How wonderful that you all get to spend the summer making memories.

It will be difficult to devote the mental and physical energy to dieting and/or having gastric bypass so enjoy spending time with your daddy and then focus on weight loss when you can devote your energy to it.

Welcome back to the board,

Kim

Oh Sweet Carina...your dad loves you JUST AS U ARE and if he worries about your weight, it is only that he wants you to be all you can be. I am sure that he likewise recognizes what an awesome mother & wife you are and such a loving daughter.

I think that while you grieve for him and make each moment count with him, try dialing back your expectations to eating healthier, not losing weight. On holidays with your beloved one, remember that the food is not the central point - HE is, and being with him.

Try hard (easy for me to say) to realize that not a one of us know the day or the hour of our death, so relish all people in your life at all times - we never know what may be the last time we see or touch them. With your dad, you are blessed, really, to have this time to say it all, and he will know just know how much he is appreciated. Think of those whose dad or loved one is taken without warning - all the dangling words never said, hugs rarely delivered.

As for your young kids, they may not recall your dad, but trust me his presence & love in their lives will make its mark!

I am soo sorry that you have to deal with this heavy burden.

So sorry to hear about your dad.
I know this must be a very difficult time for you.  One of the greatest gifts you could give to your dad (and your mum and yourself) would be to start getting healthy now.  Let him enjoy seeing you make progress.  Let him enjoy seeing you succeed.

I struggled for years..........MANY years!  I would start a diet, do well for a few days/weeks even months but in the end would give up and gain the weight back and then some.
I did this yo-yo dieting for about 20 years and then just totally gave up and stayed at the same place for about 5 years.
Finally I decided I wanted to live.  I have no children of my own but I wanted to life not only to see my young nieces and nephews go up, but to finally enjoy my own life.  I did not "live" life from about 1991-2007, I merely existed.  I worked like crazy to avoid the real issues in my life.
Once I decided I wanted to make me my number one priority I got serious about losing weight.  I even told my friends and family that for the next few months or year (whatever it would take) I was going to be selfish and make me my priority. 

It's been slow but I have lost just shy of 150 lbs and am about 5 lbs from my second goal (I hit my first one and decided I wanted to lose another 15). 
It can be done with healthy eating and exercise.  Seriously if I (at 51) could start and be successful, anyone can!

Anyhow, if you want to chat more about how I did it, feel free to PM me....
Best wishes to you, your dad, and the rest of your family.
Ruth