OT: hurt...

KWIM means "know what I mean". It's that Instant Message stuff. My daughter uses WTF a lot, and I hate what it stands for. She SAYS it stands for "what the frick" but we all know the truth.

Wow JerseyGirl - your compassion is just overwhelming.

Compassion can come in many forms, including helping a person realize how she responds to what happens is more important than what actually happens. 

Just because I focused on her response as opposed to simply showing I understand why she felt hurt, and advising she try to step back from the hurt, doesn't negate her feelings or mean I ignored them.

Heather can let this hurt well up like a damn ready to burst or she can deal with it constructively when she's ready.

Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% how we respond.

Heather, you can be upset by your sister's choice, or realize that the upset is about your expectations.  SIsterhood doesn't guarantee placement in the wedding party or that one role is specific to family only.  My point was, your expectations led to your disappointment more than the fact of your sister's decision. Your belief system led you to think that the title of MOH means something about how she feels about you.   I also think you lost sight that you could still be in the bridal party.

I'm compassionate, but I'm also pragmatic.  I try myself to not let emotions override situations.  Just trying to help her do the same.  It often does more harm than good to let emotions go astray.

I'm sorry you're hurting, Heather.  Maybe your sister would like to have you as her maid of honor, but she's afraid of hurting her best friend.  Not that it doesn't matter if you get hurt, but, as her sister, she feels you're supposed to be more understanding and forgiving than the friend would be.  I don't know, I'm just throwing that out there as a possibility.  Sometimes there's just no accounting for what people do and why.  Maybe your sister wants to one day be the maid of honor at her friend's wedding and she's worried that won't happen it she picks you as her maid?  Not a good reason in my book, but that could be a possibility, too. 

 

Weddings. They bring out a lot of things. My daughter just went through a similar thing this past October. She was the friend, best friend since little kids, and there was a younger sister as well. The tough thing is how torn the bride can also be when she is selecting "who does what". It's really hard to try to get into the other person's head to see why they would bestow this (hopefully) once in a lifetime honor on someone who is not family. It could be that her relationship with her friend has less  of the unconditional quality she's come to trust with her relationship with you. If you can take this seemingly cold act as something of a compliment... hmmm... so much more easily said than done. I feel for you, and I know I'd be hurt as well. In the end, if and when this wedding does happen, you'll get an opportunity to display grace, forgiveness, and acceptance that will cause you to shine. Sometimes love is a sacrifice.

Love that, Ruthie: 

you'll get an opportunity to display grace, forgiveness, and acceptance that will cause you to shine.

Hang onto that, Heather!

My older DD solved this be having a Cabinet of Maids of Honor - she had like 4 close gal pals stand with her. Her only sister was one of them! I would have been pretty upset with her if she had dissed her sister. As has been said, weddings are VERY touchy - you have seen bridezillas, right???? well, there can be groomzillas too. People, especially spoiled rotten types, can be SO self centered at this time b/c it is THEIR DAY.  In my opnion, they forget how important and significant these huge events should be.

Baby Girl, all you can do is soldier up and be there and hold your head up. I think your sister did the wrong thing, too, and perhaps she will realize this. I almost feel worse for her when this happens. My feeling is family first when there may be a discrepancy. Friends come and go (and even as I type this, i realize at times, friends can be better siblings than some family members - LOL).

Meanwhile, I know I would be pretty devastated if this were a sister I felt I was close to. I have three sisters, and one I am very close to, the other is a lot younger and she did have a more formal wedding and asked a girlfriend to be her Maid. Didn't bug me at all, but it did bother my other sister. It will change how you feel about her and for that I am very sorry. The time that may be lost as you both heal over this is the real shame. This kind of **** can drag out for years.

I am so sorry!