OT: hurt...

I just got off the phone with my sister, who I get along well with. She is living with her bf of several years, and we all know that he's going to propose, he's just waiting for her to finish college. So I asked her, like I do often, if he'd proposed yet. And she said, don't ya think the first thing I'd say was that I have a ring on my finger if he did? Then I asked a question that I thought I knew the answer to. (and the lesson here is don't assume you know ANYTHING!) I asked, so when you get married am I gonna be your maid of honor? I thought, she's my sister of course I'm gonna be your maid of honor. WRONG! She got real quiet and said that her best friend nicole was going to be her maid of honor. Because she's her best friend and she's the one who introduced them. I didn't make a fuss out of it, or tried not to, but I couldn't hide that it upset me (i cried) She said she didn't think it would be important to me. I didn't either, until I heard that I wouldn't be her maid of honor. She would be my maid of honor if I was getting married. She's my sister. I love her, and she knows me better than anyone else because she's my sister and we've been through so much. I thought she felt the same way. Now my heart is aching. I'm not going to make a big deal about it, it'll be her wedding and she's entitled to do what she wants with it. I guess family is more important to me. I don't know.

Aww Heather, 

Getting upset by sisters sucks doesn't it.  I have two sisters myself.  Sometimes our world grows though, even without family involved.  I'm sure you realize this, and that's why it hurts.  As you guys grow older and older your worlds will most likely start being more and more different. 

This is whom she is going to spend the rest of her life with, and the meaning that her friend introduced her to him sounds like it means a lot to her.  Don't let it get you down, it's just part of life, part of growing up and older.  Chances are you guys will part ways more and more over the years.  But yanno what?  When it comes down to it, through thicker and thin, you both deep down will ALWAYS know that you can count on each other and that is what family is all about. 

My sisters and myself have grown apart quite a bit over the years.  But when all else fails, I know they are the ones who will pull me up when I need it, be there for me if anything happens to me, and ones who I can trust and never have to worry about anything with.  Shes growing her new life, as you are too.  I don't think it has nothing to do with not being close to family, she's broadening it...she will be getting married!  You not being the maid of honor means nothing close to her heart.  Just remember that.  

the funny thing is, is that we wern't super close growing up, always fought. As we've gotten older, we've gotten closer, which is why this hurts so much.

I was close to both of my sisters at one time too.  I just wanted to make a point that things change, life changes us, we get older, we literally change over the years.  That doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore, just means her wants might have changed a little bit.  I have noticed a big difference in my sisters and I's relationships over the years and over different marriages.  Sort of strange, but it has, not that we don't love each other, our needs just have changed. 

My main point I was just trying to tell you is that no matter what, deep down in her heart she knows you are her sister and there is no comparison between you and her friend.  You both will always have each other no matter what, all through your life.  In my eyes, that is SO much more meaningful than not being part of the wedding.  Not that it doesn't hurt, because it evidently does hurt you.  But I'm sure she loves you more than anything, from how close you two seem to be.

I have been married two times.  My parents went to both of my sisters weddings, while they didn't go to either of mine.  The first time they decided they would lgo camping instead.  While the second time my dad just didn't want to fly.  Only one sister attended both weddings.  The other sister didn't attend neither.  I haven't held any kind of grudge toward them, not even my parents.  I know they were with me in their heart, and that is what matters.  We will be family no matter what.  Think that is what Jerz was trying to tell you also.  Also, like Jerz pointed out.....there isn't even a wedding yet, who knows what can still happen! 

Hope you are feeling better about this today.

BTW....KNIM means "know what I mean".

I am sorry to hear that hun!! I know where you are comming from. My brother was in my wedding and was involved in almost everything with the wedding. Then he got married last March, a very small wedding, in an high class bed and breakfast,they were all dressed up, with My mom and stepdad, her mom, dad, brother AND HER BROTHER GIRLFRIEND. Guess who wasnt invited!!! ME AND MY SISTER, his ONLY sisters. As you can tell I am still very upset about it. He is my only brother and we WERE close. So to have that happen was..... well.......I still can tell you how bad it hurts. I am so sorry HUN that you are going through this.  I didnt tell him until after the wedding how upset I was. Like you I didnt think it would be a big deal until the day come and I cried. I am glad you let her know how you feel and hopefully when things come together and he does pop the question she will come to her senses and realize that she is going to need her sister. I know woman are different than men and she will need you and you will be there because you are a good person. I wish you all the luck!!!! Keep your head up.

Trish, I'm sorry your brother was like that, It must have been very hurtful for you. Has he ever explained why he didn't invite you to his wedding? Not that I think there would be a reason good enough. I dont' have much hope that Jen will change her mind and want me as her maid of honor, once she gets an idea in her head, it's stuck there. And I do love her and want her wedding to go just like she wants it to. So if that means I'm only a bridesmaid, so be it.

Well he told me that there was many of her family that where upset and couldnt attend either. Which blew my mind because Im not a cousin or an aunt Im his sister. But anyway at least you will be in her wedding and you will be there, that is important!! I will be fine with it, but our relationship will be different. Just like you, we were not close when we were little, but then as adults we got really close and called each other about everyday. But, now he has a wife and a baby, which I am happy and proud of and that is the important thing.

Heather I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt.

Now just a little insight into your first question to her if she'd gotten engaged yet?  I don't know if she feels the way I do, however, I've been with my DB for 4 years and I'm so tired of my family asking me that question.  It not only upsets me, it makes me feel less "worthy" somehow because it feels like they are wondering what's wrong that he hasn't asked yet.  I know they don't mean it that way, however, frankly I just don't want to hear it anymore.  What I'm wondering is if your sister is feeling like that?  Maybe it's in that vein of when you asked the second question that she may have answered it in not the most gentle way she could have.

I'm sure my opinion may not be populare, however, I'm going to say it...you shouldn't be hurt if she asks you to be a brides maid instead of maid of honor.  I agree with Neecee, maybe she could have more than one, but that's entirely up to your sister.  Just because you aren't her MOH, doesn't mean she doesn't love you and care about you.  I was very close to my cousin...considered her my second sister.  She didn't have me in her wedding and she doesn't have any sisters.  Was I hurt?  NOPE...the reason why?  I was so tickled and happy for her that she found her mate.  I was there for everything...when she lost her triplets, during her first bout with breast cancer, during her second bout, and helped her during the end of her short life...always there excepting her as she is and LOVING HER.  The choices she made didn't hurt because I know she loved me.

It's just one day Heather...friends may come or go and maybe this one friend won't even be in her life years from now.  Sisters will always be there...that's the testiment to the relationships we have with our siblings.  You will be there for her as she will be there for you...through weddings, funerals, childen...everything.  Jersey is right, don't let this one decision your sister makes hurt you to the point where you are wondering your worth or value in this relationship.

I have to say if my cousin hadn't passed away...she would have been in my wedding because even though I wasn't in hers, I always pictured her in mine.  She was truly a sister in my heart.  Does that mean she loved or valued our relationship less?  Nope, it just meant she had her reasons for not having me in the wedding and I respected them as they were valid for her.

Life is so short and fleeting.  Don't let this one hurt damage the relationship you've built with your sister.  Maybe once you've worked out this hurt, you can talk to her more about it though since your sister's boyfriend hasn't asked yet maybe you want to let it rest.  You never know what tomorrow holds and your sister could change her mind. 

Just a nudge...don't let this have more meaning than it does.  It's just a wedding...that hasn't even happened yet...and that choice, should it happen in the future, is not reflective of your relationship with her.  Only you are making that so.  KWIM?

Your still her sister, y'all still love each other.  Don't get ur panties in a bunch over this.

How is it not reflective of my relationship with her? You must not have a sister or not be very close to her. I don't know what KWIM means, but if it's like the rest of this post, I'm sure its not a helpful statement. Thanks for the understanding and compassion. Geeze.