Saying Goodbye To Your Best Friend

I wish there was splenda gum too Heather - my xylitol Trident may be good for my teeth but not my waistline!

I once had to take a med that gave me dry mouth, and I was always concerned I'd develop cavities because of the lack of saliva.  Maybe chewing sugarless gum isn't such a bad thing, then?

I can relate to your saying food was "your best friend".  I felt so alone growing up, like an orphan with a brother, a sister, and two parents.  Nobody was on my side, and my parents treated me differently than my siblings - they wouldn't let me decide on my own what instrument to play in childhood or what my college major would be.  My brother and sister both got to make those choices, but for some reason, my parents didn't trust my judgement.

My father told me when I was 8 years old that my conception was the result of his selfish desire for a better ****** and his ignoring my mother's health by getting her pregnant with me.  She didn't want another pregnancy, because she'd had heavy bleeding during the time she was pregnant with my older sister.  Her aunt had died of this type of bleeding, and she was scared she would, too.

But my mother didn't explain when I was 8 about the bleeding - she just seemed angry about being pregnant with me, and I came to the only conclusion a child could at that point - that my mother didn't want me in the first place, that I was a burden to her and in the way, and that she didn't love me at all!

This conclusion was so devastating emotionally to me, that I started overeating from that time on.  Before that, I wasn't particularly obsessed with food, but that event started my addiction.  The damage parents do, when they don't realize what they're doing!

Denise Phares/kitties4

Awwe Denise, I am so sorry that you had to endure such a childhood.  Sometimes, it boggles my mind the amount of cruelty that someone is willing to inflict on a child or a weaker person just to make themselves feel stronger.  Obviously, your parents had marital issues that were none of your business, but they chose to blame an innocent child for their misgivings.  I hope you realize that NONE of that had anything to do with Denise, it was all part of a sick little game they were playing in their marriage, and none of that should have involved you.

But things are different for you now.  You are a grown woman, seeking to heal the hurts of the past and working on getting your addiction under control.  The first step is to forgive your parents of their ignorance because truly, if they would have known how much their words were affecting you, they would not have said them.  Forgiving them is for your own spiritual healing and I believe the first step to physical and mental healing.  Their words no longer have any power over you, unless you choose to let them.  The choice to move away from the words and deeds of the past is strictly your decision. 

I pray that you choose to move forward with the rest of your life.  If we are not moving forward, then we become stuck in the past, and who knows, if you can get over the hurt of those words, you won't be particularly obsessed with food anymore.

Mary

It's hard to forgive your parents for something like that, though. Or at least it's hard for me. My mom is the one who literally fed my food addiction. She was verbally abusive (would call me things like fat ass, and lardo and tell me she wished she would have aborted me) After such hatefull angry words, she would give us candy or any kind of junk food as a silent apology. It got so rediculous that we would go to walmart and she would let us pick out a BAG of candy (minutures) almost every day. And I would eat a bag of candy a day. Plus meals that were heavy on meat and potatoes, other vegies were practically non existant in our house. Food was my best friend too. Any feeling, sad, mad, happy, glad, was an occasion to eat. I'm trying to realize like you have, that food isn't my friend, and that eating that stuff may make me feel better for a second or two, but then I'll feel worse and be unhealthy. I still have *strong* feelings against my mom and her treatment of me when I was a child, but have never talked to her about it. I dont' want to hurt her, and thats what bringing it up would do. I have a great relationship with her now, and love her dearly. As long as I don't think about/bring up the past.

Well I can see how you would choose food as your drug of choice.  It's perfect for pushing down feelings that you aren't willing, or are not capable of dealing with.  Your mother sounds a lot like mine, verbally abusive and then using food to help her feel better about the abuse. 

Ya know what, I never once brought any of that up with her.  I forgave her in my heart and because I was able to let it go, I set my spirit free.  Free to become a responsible adult who was capable of nurturing my feelings by loving myself enough to break my relationship with food.  Living in the past and letting the hurts of the past fester only causes stagnation.  The mind was made to move forward and evolve.  Relationships have to move forward and evolve or they become toxic...that only brings illness to the body.  Forgiveness brings inner peace, so do that for yourself Baby Girl.  You'll be pleasantly surprised how your mother reacts to the change in you!

Mary   

 Mary~
I love this post! it speaks Volumes to me! Thank you for sharing it! 

Youze welcome.  I think it helps to share our journeys because so much of what we've endured to be succesful helps others who follow in our footsteps.  It's a long hard road and it helps to know that others have made it and it can be done.  We're all in this together, holding on to our wagons by the skin of our teeth!

Mary

You know, Mary, that was an awesome post! You and I may have taken different directions, but ended up on the same healing path with food:  reaching a sort of maturity, seeing food as fuel, knowing that it never delivered, never solved anything.

I can also say that thanks to OA, I can say that it never was really about the food.  

However what struck me was one intrinsic difference with how my relationship started with food. It was not an enemy, but not a friend. Food never made me feel better, but like an abused wife, I kept giving it chances. The vibe for me was more like chasing an elusive .....feeling?....I think.

Like I would chase this thing down, tackle it to find something. Love? Acceptance? Identity? Security? Wholeness?

Like I said, it took the long road to finally be able to see that of course, it was just a plate of food, just sitting there.  I was the one who wove the story around it. Others (parents, peers) may well have helped me write up that story and it was others (you guys, OA, etc) who helped me know that it was a fairy tale.

Hmmm...if food didn't make you feel better, why become addicted to it?  What did you get out of eating? 

Mary