No longer abstinent

I have fallen off the wagon.  I've started eating junk foods as well as two frozen meals for lunch, and also I sneak one of my client's foods again, without her knowing it.  I know this is a form of stealing, but I have a hard time maintaining abstinence long term.  I got to 290 days of it, but now I'll have to start all over on Monday, February 2nd.  I'll be weighing myself this Sunday morning, and I'll probably end up gaining weight in January 2009 instead of losing it.

I know I ought to try becoming abstinent at least by tomorrow, but I'm just not willing to give up that extra food the rest of this week.  After being away from the junk foods for a while, I start to "miss" them, feeling deprived.  My therapist says this is because I don't have enough non-food related fun in my life, as well as not exercising.  I've been pretty emotional the past few days, and this probably explains why I turned back to the excess and junk foods.

Once I get abstinent again, I will have to start counting all over again from Day One.  I can no longer claim to be abstinent, when I know I'm not.  Thank you all for your support, and wish me luck, if you wish.  I'll need it!

Denise Phares/kitties4

It sucks that you fell off the wagon, you were doing so great! But don't let the guilt eat at you. If there's anything I've learned on here it's the quicker you get back to eating on plan, the easier it is! You can do it! Have you thought about allowing yourself to have one day  to eat off plan and be ok with that, recognize that you are human and then get back on track the next day?? Also, what is your plan?? do you follow a specific one? And since this one is difficult, have you considered trying something different? 

First off I am so impressed that you made it 290 days without having a mishap!  That is so amazing that I think you will have no problems getting up and becoming abstinent one more time.  I think you have the desire and will power to do what it takes to meet your goals so good luck!

Congratulations for having the will power to continue for as long as you did. I know you'll hop back on that wagon in February and kick butt.

We'll watch.

You will find your way! DO call your sponsor.

I wondered if this counting off abstinent days is suggested via your sponsor? It seems to me that yes, while you are remaining on task, it is an ego boost to see hundreds of days.

On the other hand, I wonder if your daily goal can be abstinence. At times, we all set :  "for the next 20 minutes I can abstain from this food or action".

I am saying to break this up. I would think it is overwhelming to re-build and actually all any of us has is this moment before us. Not to say you should not plan, but you know what is said about best laid plans!

The reason I count days of abstinence is very simple - in order to give a lead in OA, you must have at least six months of abstinence to qualify.  But there is more to it than just following your food plan - it's good to have a sponsor guide you through the 12 steps, to get at why you started overeating in the first place.  If you don't do this, you will be condemned to struggling with food the rest of your life. 

I was well past the six month's mark with 290 days, but I felt I didn't have enough emotional or physical recovery to give a lead.  I want to be skinnier and more emotionally stable before I try giving leads.  Besides, somebody has to ask you to give one, and nobody has, and I suspect it's because they don't see me as having enough emotional & physical recovery to be a model for newcomers to OA.  I agree with them. 

Right now, I don't have an OA sponsor.  I go to a psychologist who is treating me for my eating disorder and issues, and she is a sponsor substitute.  She makes suggestions as to how I can improve my life by having recreation in non-food related ways.  This means concerts, movies without food, museums, toboggan rides, nature displays, bowling, walking (which is a pleasure to me, especially walking outdoors in the summer time), etc.  Her idea is that if I fill my life with more pleasure and joy that is healthy and non-food related, I will be less and less obsessed with food in general as time goes on. 

I have to admit she is a wonderful therapist, the best I've ever been to, in my opinion.  She is very sharp and observant, and helps me to see myself and my past and my parents in a whole new way.  I went to another eating disorders therapist back in 2004, and all we did was talk about my past, but she had no suggestions on how to improve my life, and so I got no new insights from her.  I felt she was doing nothing for me after seeing her a few months, so I dropped her.  In 2006, I went back to OA, after an absence since 199

I want to continue my narrative, before the computer screwed it up.  I returned to OA after an absence since 1995.  I went to OA back in 1987-89, when I was skinnier and younger, around 20 years ago.  I went on two diets back to back, and lost 70 pounds, getting down to 105 pounds when I was done losing.  I was giving leads alot, and was feeling better about myself, when a woman in OA told me that I'd have a relapse, and gain everything back.  I was angry at her at the time, but she was right - I left OA, and gained it all back and more, my usual pattern.

Now I have around 160 pounds to lose, and I'm finding I cannot go on diets anymore.  I'm also finding recovery alot more complicated and difficult than I every imagined it would be.  This disease just gets worse over time, not better.

I don't ever expect to go on any more diets in the future.  I just can't stick to them anymore.  I considered the gastric bypass back in 2004, but chickened out.  I'm not sorry I did, because I probably wouldn't have been able to follow their strict instructions anyway, and have blown the whole thing.

Denise Phares

I truly do not know ANYTHING about OA, so I am probably not going to be of any help, but I will tell you a dumb little thing I do that maybe some others could benefit from (and if not, you can all roll your eyes at my silly-ness.

I love goodies etc, so I eat good most of the time, with scheduled days of NOT eating good in my future.  I always have an event coming up - trip, wedding, party etc where I know there will be tons of yummy stuff.   I am better able to stay on track if I have an "off" day scheduled, where I know I will get to carb out and eat whatever I want during that event.  I look forward to those times and all the yummy things I will get to try. 

I could personally never survive months and years on end with no goodies.  I am totally in shock that you can and WOW, good for you!  So anyway, that is what I do, and it is a silly mind game, but it works for me so far.