Are you mad enough?
This thought came to me last night.
In this last year and a half in which I pursued training and healthy eating in lieu of the vertical gastrectomy, I have not only gone from 320 to 259 and a size 26/28 to a 14/16...I have had one heck of a change in mental awareness...especially as I have plateaued and yet continued to fight through.
Fight.
You know, my trainer and the one before her pointed out how hard I am on myself...so self critical. I get frustrated when I can't do something, which then motivates me and I practice until I can do it.
They've tried to get me to ease up on myself...and I have, but I have not let go of that edge--the frustration, the anger, the push to keep doing this.
I get people coming up to me all the time at the gym because to them I am a success story. And mindful that my nutritionist wants me to accept my successes as they stand (and not be so self-critical--yup, ya see the theme)...to me it's not enough.
I keep working at it.
That anger fuels me to keep facing the physical challenges so that I can accomplish a once-too-hard feat. And it fuels me to try to stay on track with my diet, or to recover quickly from off moments.
So, when folks at the gym, usually women in the same boat I was in who in that time frame have not changed, ask me what is different, what I do differently, we talk about commitment and choices etc.
BUt what I see is they're not angry. They accept where they're at and shrug their shoulders. They're not angry enough to try harder. They accept the devil they know because...it's what they know.
Why not get angry? I am angry at my fat. I believe it cost me a lot (also gave me a lot in who I am, which I wouldn't trade, though). I believe it cost me confidence, friends, social acceptance, even romance, and instead gave me bigotry I had to face from family to strangers. Yes, there's the flip side that it built my character and soulfullness, but still. I think about that price, especially as I struggle with the social side, rarely dating when I was younger and now caught in a vortex where available men are few and don't want what I want (family, children) usually because they've BTDT and I fear it will have cost me my dream of marriage and family.
I am angry, and it pushes me to say run that 5k, lift that heavy weight, do that hard movement and if I can't yet, keep trying, stay the course, battle that plateau.
So, maybe anger is the key.
Oh sure, we must accept ourselves for sanity, but that doesn't mean we have to accept where we are. And if we aren't angry, what will fuel our fire? What will make us push forward inspite of obstacles?
What made me think of this? So often I read of a lot of people's pain with their obesity. Here's the thing, sure it does hurt emotionally...I'm not denying that. But when do you get past the pain and into the anger that makes you fight? If you stay in pain, you are the victim of it. If you go to the next stange, you realize "D--n it, I am not going down without a fight." Now this is not to say that you aren't fighting...I just know for myself, sometimes what I thought was fighting...was only the warm up, the precursor to the real battle.
In this last year and a half in which I pursued training and healthy eating in lieu of the vertical gastrectomy, I have not only gone from 320 to 259 and a size 26/28 to a 14/16...I have had one heck of a change in mental awareness...especially as I have plateaued and yet continued to fight through.
Fight.
You know, my trainer and the one before her pointed out how hard I am on myself...so self critical. I get frustrated when I can't do something, which then motivates me and I practice until I can do it.
They've tried to get me to ease up on myself...and I have, but I have not let go of that edge--the frustration, the anger, the push to keep doing this.
I get people coming up to me all the time at the gym because to them I am a success story. And mindful that my nutritionist wants me to accept my successes as they stand (and not be so self-critical--yup, ya see the theme)...to me it's not enough.
I keep working at it.
That anger fuels me to keep facing the physical challenges so that I can accomplish a once-too-hard feat. And it fuels me to try to stay on track with my diet, or to recover quickly from off moments.
So, when folks at the gym, usually women in the same boat I was in who in that time frame have not changed, ask me what is different, what I do differently, we talk about commitment and choices etc.
BUt what I see is they're not angry. They accept where they're at and shrug their shoulders. They're not angry enough to try harder. They accept the devil they know because...it's what they know.
Why not get angry? I am angry at my fat. I believe it cost me a lot (also gave me a lot in who I am, which I wouldn't trade, though). I believe it cost me confidence, friends, social acceptance, even romance, and instead gave me bigotry I had to face from family to strangers. Yes, there's the flip side that it built my character and soulfullness, but still. I think about that price, especially as I struggle with the social side, rarely dating when I was younger and now caught in a vortex where available men are few and don't want what I want (family, children) usually because they've BTDT and I fear it will have cost me my dream of marriage and family.
I am angry, and it pushes me to say run that 5k, lift that heavy weight, do that hard movement and if I can't yet, keep trying, stay the course, battle that plateau.
So, maybe anger is the key.
Oh sure, we must accept ourselves for sanity, but that doesn't mean we have to accept where we are. And if we aren't angry, what will fuel our fire? What will make us push forward inspite of obstacles?
What made me think of this? So often I read of a lot of people's pain with their obesity. Here's the thing, sure it does hurt emotionally...I'm not denying that. But when do you get past the pain and into the anger that makes you fight? If you stay in pain, you are the victim of it. If you go to the next stange, you realize "D--n it, I am not going down without a fight." Now this is not to say that you aren't fighting...I just know for myself, sometimes what I thought was fighting...was only the warm up, the precursor to the real battle.
Further thoughts--see, if you're "angry", you won't take "it" anymore. You won't go where you've gone, do what you've done because you are angry that those things are exactly what got you into this mess in the first place. You won't accept the same old excuses, lean into the same old temptations, because you get that those things were the problem.
I'm not saying breaking those habits isn't hard and you won't stumble, but you will handle those stumbles better. For example, I still love carbs and sweets and often would prefer not to go to the gym. But I made a commitment--be active (5-6 days a week) and limit starches. And some days or even weeks I give into my sugar fix or laziness, but I recover and get back on the wagon of what's gotten me as far as I have come.
I'm not saying breaking those habits isn't hard and you won't stumble, but you will handle those stumbles better. For example, I still love carbs and sweets and often would prefer not to go to the gym. But I made a commitment--be active (5-6 days a week) and limit starches. And some days or even weeks I give into my sugar fix or laziness, but I recover and get back on the wagon of what's gotten me as far as I have come.
Hmm, think this is where being stuck in your own comfort zone kicks in. A lot of us are afraid and scared to get out of our comfort zone. Guess that's why we sabotaging our self and stop exercising, or eating right? I think it's all in the mind. My moods change so fast, I'm like night and day some days. One day I can feel so strong and positive that no anger or anything can stand in my way. One thing goes bad in my day, or depression, sadness, you name it, I can just sulk all day curled up in bed. Is that giving up? Yes, it is! I don't think people can succeed in contorling thier "anger" or feeling as a viictom unti lthey can overcome the fears of their own mind. Make sense? This might not be for everyone, but I know it is with me. Think that is why if I start losing weight, a good twenty pounds at least, my spirits skyrocket, because I don't feel like a victom or feel any anger anymore. Well, or maybe I should say I can at least at that point "see the light, the end of the tunnel". Until then, there is no light, it's just all anger until I get my head in the right mind frame.
So what is one afraid of?
Being slim?
Being attractive?
The attention?
Maintaining the change?
Achieving the goal?
etc.
I can say that for myself, my plateau has been both physical and self-imposed. I am at the number that was my lowest weight as a young adult--something I've heard from docs is our "setpoint". It's also taken me some getting used to seeing myself this way. Getting used to not buying many of my clothes in plus sizes (jeans, yes, tops, no)...getting used to seeing a curvy body, a flat tummy. Not to sound arrogant, but I am physically, in my body, the most appealing I've ever seen myself. I am sure that then jumps to my issue with attention, from men's heads that turn, to how others treat the attractive person...
Being slim?
Being attractive?
The attention?
Maintaining the change?
Achieving the goal?
etc.
I can say that for myself, my plateau has been both physical and self-imposed. I am at the number that was my lowest weight as a young adult--something I've heard from docs is our "setpoint". It's also taken me some getting used to seeing myself this way. Getting used to not buying many of my clothes in plus sizes (jeans, yes, tops, no)...getting used to seeing a curvy body, a flat tummy. Not to sound arrogant, but I am physically, in my body, the most appealing I've ever seen myself. I am sure that then jumps to my issue with attention, from men's heads that turn, to how others treat the attractive person...
The most biggest factor I think most woman do this is because they are afraid of FAILING. Period. You've been there, I've been there, but you succeeded and won this battle. For me, I don't think I'm too bad at it, but I do tend to think about failing once in a while when I start seeing the scale go down.. The shame of it, the guilt, the heart ache of seeing the scale numbers go back up if something goes wrong. I think a lot of woman are like this, and this is where they get stuck at.
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