Humongously huge and disgustingly fat

WELL.... that's how I feel. Just keeping it real. UGH ... as I sit here I am like not even comfortable in my own comfy chair at my own comfy desk in my own comfy office because I AM TOO FRIGGIN FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My regular clothes don't even fit right anymore. Its a sad state of affairs.

I'm depressed and just in general feel like there is no point to even living ... oddly enough it drives me to eat. So yeah, I know the answer is to get in control of my eating, trying desperately to get some help and support, I joined here because I wanted to be around people who know what its like to be TOO BIG for the world. Not much support out there.  Oh and, I have zero interest in WLS ... not gonna happen, ever (too afraid).

I know I need to suck it up and stick to a diet, and start exercising. I honestly feel like I am just never gonna get there. I don't know where the motivation comes from to start and/or stick to it. I have had a million false starts over the last 3 or 4 months. I am still subscribed to WW and haven't gone in months. lol ... I just can't get it together. My dad passed away in May and I have gained about 30 lbs. since then (I was already obese! Now more so.) Obviously that was very devastating for me. I am HOPING that this January 1st deadline will be the kickstart I need ... it has never worked before, but I'm hoping somehow, this time will be different.

There's always hope, right? 

Hey Beautiful, welcome to the board!

It's a new year so make it a new outlook on life.  Wash away all those negative thoughts and find a program you can live with and stick with it.  I'm also on WW (just restarted last Sunday) and would love some company! :)  

One thing I've learned and keep telling myself  (I forget alllll the time) is that if you think you are going to fail, you will!    I have to remind myself of this every day, and working on it.  I think changing that attitude on "there is no point of living", and move forward and say to yourself " I'm beautiful, I love myself, and I have a lot to offer this world" (okay...can use other if needed..hehe), but you got the point.  

Being obese I swear makes us wear a sign over our heads reading "hey I'm fat, poke me here".lol  But you (we) can't change that until WE WANT TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!  Otherwise the food will still call our names and will win!

I'm glad you decided to join us.  I know I lurk on several forums and most of them people  losing weight are like ten pounds over weight.  They just have no clue what we go through and do to lose weight and be healthy.  

Hey BL, welcome to the forum.  This is a great place for support.  I mostly lurk on here now that I've had my VSG (started out on this forum), but felt the need to respond.

I can so relate to what you're saying.  Being too big to sit comfortably in your own chair, etc.  What I found hard was going out to eat and trying to gauge if I'd fit in the booth.  Even though I'm at a more comfortable (though still obese) weight, I find myself not sure if I'll fit.  It's that whole fun body dysmorphia syndrome.

I was in the same no win cycle that you're in.  I'd try a diet and it would go ok for a couple of weeks, but then I'd fail.  In May 2007 I finally changed my diet and started exercising.  What got me motivated was seeing my weight hit an all-time high of 376.  Ok, what gets me is 330 and even 345 didn't get my attention.  For goodness sakes I'm 5'1", so super super morbidly obese.  Anyway, I initially lost 50 lbs and felt better.  I did great for 5 months, but then fell off the wagon.  I'd try to get back on, but just kept falling back off.  I ended up gaining back 10 lbs.  That's when I knew that for me, unfortunately, I just couldn't do this without extra help. So being scared witless I went for VSG surgery.  It's not for everyone and those who choose to go the non-surgical route, I applaude you.  For me, after being super super morbidly obese for over 15 years, I had to face the facts. Sorry got completely off topic there.

What I want to say is with or without WLS, losing weight, sticking to a healthy eating plan, and exercising can be a struggle.  Even though this site caters more toward WLS folks, this particular forum is a great one and gave me much needed support to lose those first 50lbs.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. 

There certainly is always hope.  I'm planning on starting anew this January as well.  It's a new year and new chance to get healthy.

Wishing you the best in this new year.  Again, welcome.

Hi Beautiful Loser - great name, btw...not only cuz Bob Seger who is massively hawt, but you ARE beautiful.

Most here can identify with how you feel about yourself. being obese in this world is not fun to say the least. I can recall times when I ran from stores after shopping for the ugliest clothes in the universe and almost losing consciousness when bent over to tie shoes.  I am now pleasantly plump and it does not suck as bad. Problem is, but my lot in life - I have to work very hard to even be here.

You do have to fix that head of yours - it is not the food, but there is a great argument and lots of science on types of food.  Eating those right kinds of foods first and solely for a while will actually help you not feel obsessed with food. Trust me...you will lose the drive to eat the crap you are likely eating too much of:  fast food, white foods, crackers, desserts, sodas...blah blah blah.

The type of food you should be aiming for is leaner proteins, leafy greens, dairy, and good fats (nuts, olive oils, coconut oil, omega3's mainly where possible).  At some point, you can incorporate higher quality grains like barley and brown rice and whole grain pastas.

Eating right is VERY confusing and a matter of argument everywhere you look. You will find a toehold that will become a ledge of safety!

Welcome and know that we really do understand.

Thanks you guys :) That really helped. I really like the idea of just telling myself I CAN do this so I can stop making myself fail before I even try. Holly I like your affirmation idea ... even if I sound like that guy Stuart Smalley from SNL (I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people LIKE me!)  I need to do it. lol. Cuz I really need to keep those positive thoughts churning through me mind.

And yeah Neecee, I am in a horrible cycle of eating what I crave, JUNK. Everything you listed about covers it. lol. Being one of those perpetual dieting types, I know what its like to be eating healthily, feeling HAPPY and POSITIVE and energetic. Eating healthy is a vicious cycle of its own, but a good one.

Thanks Melinda for the welcome and the condolence. It IS really nice to be around people who can relate to the feeling of hugeness, and booth anxiety, heck I just avoid everything now out of ... I dunno? Fear? I guess I'm just stuck in this depressed/negative mode. It is extremely annoying. lol ... you know things are bad when you are annoying yourself.   

But its a new year!! Time for a new attitude and a fresh outlook. 

I know exactly how you feel!  I've felt "gross, fat, & ugly" for my entire adult life, except when I had rare moments when I was thin.  My father taught me to hate my body and myself, because I was overweight.  I am in therapy now, and my therapist recently told me that my body was perfect - I have two arms, two legs, can see, walk, etc., and have all my fingers and toes.  All that's wrong with me is that I have "extra padding" on my body.  I felt better about my body when she told me this.  I am slowly learning to love myself & my body just the way they are, as I slowly lose weight.  I can no longer diet - I am simply making slow, small lifestyle changes, like eating smaller portions of healthy food, like making better choices when I eat out, etc.  The next lifestyle change I will make (starting next week, after the holidays are over) will be regular exercise.

You are a worthwhile person, no matter what your body shape or size.  I also suggest you try attending meetings of either Overeaters Anonymous or Food Addicts Anonymous.  They are both 12-step programs, they are both spiritual programs, and you can turn to the people in these groups as well as praying to the Higher Power of your own conception for help.  I do it every day, because I can't do this on my own willpower alone.  I used to be able to when I was in my 20's and 30's, but not anymore.  I got burned out on dieting.  You can find out where the meetings are if you're interested by going on www.oa.com or www.faa.com. 

Denise Phares/kitties4

 

 

Denise, you know I looked into it one time (specifically, Overeaters Anonymous ... this was probably about a year or two ago), and I actually drove to a meeting, but did NOT have the courage to go in and when I got there, I turned right around and came home.

Whenever I watch that show Intervention on A&E I feel exactly like those addicts, except my drug of choice is food. I always know what they're talking about, because I know what it is to be addicted, and they disgust me just like I disgust myself with my addiction. But to be totally honest I always think, I'd rather be addicted to crack or heroin than food because at least they're not fat!! 

I think if I can get the courage up to actually walk in to a meeting I would give it a try. Its interesting you have a therapist for this, I have also thought of finding a therapist for this issue, I searched on Google forever and could not find a therapist that specializes in people with weight issues in Southern California, can you believe that? I know that I really need some serious, serious help because I can't get a grip on it anymore. I have been overweight my entire life, surgery will never be an option for me, and I cannot continue to live like this. I need some flippin' professional help that doesn't have anything to do with surgery, diet pills, frozen meals or vitamin shots. Is that too much to ask? 

Anyway I want to get therapy also for dealing with the loss of my dad. For me, my dad was the person who always loved me no matter what. When I confided in my parents one time my desperation about my weight, my dad said, I will always love you no matter how much you weigh. And he didn't just say the words, he showed it in everything he did, the love he gave me, the way he treated me and protected me. Losing him was very devastating and I know I've been eating away the pain since he passed away. But realistically I could eat myself into immobility and it will never fill the void he left. I know he would be really ticked off if he knew how much this devastated me, my dad really knew how to live and enjoy life, and not let the little things get to him. He always told me that I could do anything I set my mind to! He had an iron will and I know I have it too.  I really want to do this, not just for myself but in memory of my dad. I know he would want me to be happy, to cherish my memories of him and to live out loud and have fun, and right now I am not living at all.

Beautiful Loser:
Cognitive behavioral therapy might work for you.  Google "cognitive behavioral therapy" and read about it.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is a short term therapy that focuses on the way that a person's cognitive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are connected.  There are several cbt websites, with lists of providers by zip code.  Cbt has been helpful for me.

Welcome, Beautiful....and remember, you ARE beautiful!

You've come to the right place....very genuine, sincere support here from all of us who are struggling with this process (whether losing, maintaining). 

I'm 62 and have yo-yo'd all my life...probably ruined my metabolism for sure.  Still fighting the fight and refuse to give up.  Hope to really deal with emotional eating in the new year...if I can eat healthy and rid my body of cravings (definitely addicted to flour and sugar) in the process I'll be a happy camper.  But can't really expect to be successful if I don't deal with the reason I turn to food in the first place.

Glad to have you jump on the wagon with us....we all fall off at times, but lots of good folks here to hang out a hand and help haul us back on!!

Hey Beautiful, sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to this post, but I had to think about it long and hard because I lost my Dad two years ago and talking about it is not easy for me, but I think one of the benefits in sharing with others is that it helps to make us stronger.

I was always a Daddy's girl, too.  And although he never actually 'said' he was ever proud of me, he had his ways of showing it.  The day that we found out he only had weeks to live was the day I was scheduled for my pre-op to have my lower body lift.  I had already lost the weight and had a breast reduction and I was going to cancel my next reconstructive surgery but he was adament that I go through with it no matter what.  He came to visit me while I was recuperating and when he saw my new body, he said, "I am so proud of you."

I know what you are dealing with when it comes to the feelings of loss.  Believe me I KNOW.  Unfortunately, you will never get to hear those words from your Dad concerning your weight loss.  But you have to know in your heart that the life you are living now is not the life that your father would have wished for you.  And I'm sure he would feel bad to know that he was the cause of a thirty pound weight gain.  The best that you can do now is to get your wagon in gear, get on it, hold on for dear life, and ride it like your life depended on it.  That would be the best gift to the memory of your Dad. 

You mentioned getting some help.  I went to a support group led by a hypnotherapist and learned a lot about visualization.  It helped me to visualize myself thin, cuz trust me, that was something I could no longer see in my mind's eye!  It also helped with dealing with the stress of not eating foods I was addicted to.  And listening to other's struggles helped me figure out what was going on with my own journey.  Living in California, you probably have a hypnotherapist on every corner.  Just make sure they specialize in weight loss.

One last thing.  All of these cravings are not your fault.  When you eat sugar and high processed carbs like starch and flour, it causes an insulin response that causes MORE cravings for sugar and starch.  So that is the best place to start, stop eating processed foods and try to go as natural as possible.  Like what Neecee mentioned. 

We're here to help as much as we can, but ultimately, this is your journey to make of it what you will.  I wish you MUCH SUCCESS!

Mary