Abstinence - 226th Day

Breakfast
2 pieces 12-grain bread french toast with margarine & sugar-free syrup
3/4 cup apple cider
1 cup fat free soy milk*
1 cup hazelnut coffee
2 cups water

Mid-morning Snack
1 cup coffee with Equal & Half & Half liquid
1 small brownie (which is in moderation - not a binge or a slip)

Lunch
Leftover Fisherman's Wharf Tuna Noodle Casserole
2 cups fat free soy milk*

Dinner
Rotisserie chicken leg & wing with skin
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 can New England clam chowder
25 grapes
2 cups fat free soy milk*
2 chocolate-flavored graham crackers

*I am mentioning the fat free soy milk because I really don't like the flavor of it all that much, finding it sickly sweet.  I drink it instead of the full fatted type, even though the fatty type tastes alot better.  I am trying to save on calories and fat.  I cannot drink skim cow's milk because I am allergic to it.  A friend of mine once mentioned that I put enjoying my food ahead of eating healthy, and I realized she was right.  So I force myself to drink this stuff, as well as forcing myself to eat salads at least twice a week.  I do enjoy the homemade low fat dressing I put on the salads, but I do have to force them down, so I can have regular bowel movements and better health in general.  Does anybody else force themselves to eat a particular food or drink because it's a healthier alternative?  When I went on some of my insane, boring diets of the past, I used to force myself to eat foods I didn't like for the entire meal - all the foods at that meal I didn't enjoy, or feel I got enough of if I did enjoy them.  I just can't do this anymore, even though I probably would lose weight faster by dieting than by slowly changing my food & lifestyle.  I prefer the latter way, because I feel that most diets don't really teach you how to eat more healthily - just how to lose weight fast.  If I had gotten the WLS, I would have had to do this in spades, because I feel WLS is the fastest way to lose weight I've ever heard of.  Still, it's a a rough road to go, and I'd rather do it gradually.

Denise Phares/kitties4

Are you completely opposed to weight loss surgery?  Because of the amounts that you consume (it seems like your are a true volume eater), I truly believe that a restrictive only surgery like the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy or the Lap Band would help you with portion control.

You then could work you program better.  It is still hard work the one true exception is that you REALLY have a chance instead of the old back and forth with no standing results to speak of.

I love every single piece of food that I put in my mouth.  If I didn't, I wouldn't eat it.  Forcing yourself to eat or drink foods for nutrional value only sucks.  With so much variety, there has to be plenty of healthy foods that you actually like and enjoy when you eat.

God Bless,
Leila

 

Thank you for your concern.  While it's true that I am a "volume eater", I am eating less than I had been just a few weeks ago.  It's a gradual process, and no I cannot get WLS because my insurance will not pay for it, period.  End of story.

I am also going to a therapist who is working to get me past the compulsive eating to where it just becomes a "bad habit" that I can easily break, with a little effort.  She uses EMDR, and she wants to drain the amount of trauma feeling that I have inside which is driving the compulsive eating behavior.  I know that OA teaches that there is no "cure" for compulsive overeating, but if anybody can "cure" me of that compulsive, it is Dr. Goran.  She helped my husband and myself alot when we had no idea what had happened that made me fall in love with an ex-client of mine, and get fired from my job.  She had quick and accurate explanations for why I was so vulnerable to his seductions when I was his aide.  It was because of my lousy relationship with my father, who never complimented me except when I lost weight, and taught me how to hate my body and myself with his verbal cruelty of me coupled with physical abuse.  This helped to tramatize me into compulsive overeating, which I picked up at the tender age of 8, after he told me I was "an accident" (unplanned pregnancy), and when my mother seemed angry at the idea of him getting her pregnant again.  I interpreted this to mean she did not want or love , and that neither did my father.  This was such a devastating assumption, that I started turning to food for comfort at an early age, to cope with an unloving home atmosphere from all my family.

Since I weigh 272.5 pounds at my last weighing at the beginning of November 2008 and am only 5 feet 1/2 inches tall, that means I am approximately 160 pounds overweight from that early trauma.  I've been in OA working their program seriously since 2006, but it's been a real struggle for me to get abstinent and to eat less food than I have in the past.  I don't want WLS, because first of all, the surgery is very risky (as is any surgery), and there can be serious complications.  If I didn't have complications, then getting WLS wouldn't guarantee I'd be free as a volume eater, since you have to be able to stick to their very strict diet, and I just can't diet anymore.  That is why it wouldn't work for me.

Denise Phares/kitties4

I am somewhat familiar with EMDR therapy.  In some of the more psychoanalytic arenas, it is considered "hocus pocus".  I've had lots and lots of good therapy BUT it does not cure addiction.  Yeah, there was trauma in my early life, yeah I did learn to use food for comfort initially THEN it became a habit But we can't stop eating can we?  Though we can heal better with therapy, time etc.  we are forever scarred (no one can erase our memories or experiences - right?)  Addictions and compulsions remain seperate because they are so physical.

Unfortunately, there is absolutely no cure for compulsive overeating.  I for one love food, I love to eat.  I'm not torchuring myself when I eat.  I love it!!  I love the smell, texture, taste, and memories certain foods have.  I just do not like when I am out of control with food. 

You can't be a volume eater with a restrictive surgery (though a LapBand without restriction is almost identical to having had no surgery at all).  You can become a "grazer" and keep eating all day long in small amounts.  It is so different  when you are not actually hungry - it doesn't feel like dieting.  Now when you want to emotion eat, you come in the problem that, you can't - then you have to deal with all the psychological stuff.

There a major, major, major risks associated with remaining obese especially the older you get.  I want to be independent in my old age (God willing).  The weight I was carrying on my joints was making me immobile, I was getting more and more winded, I had insulin resistance, my knees popped and crunched with each step I took.  Every single day, I was in pain.  I felt bad about myself - bad I had let myself go (I was injured dancing  and after that I couldn't exercise without pain after rehabilitation) .  My upper back was killing me.  I was willing to take the risks of WLS because my quality of life for a young person was bad and I wanted/want to live a fruitful life.

Oh, I had tried every single thing under the sun to lose weight and I just couldn't.  I must say that I've learned from every thing that I have done and respect my journey.  For the record here are some of the things I've tried:

Richard Simmons (my most successful venture - held a 3.5 year loss in my early 20'S)
Bohemian Diet, Slim fast, The Weight Down Diet, OA for several years - still believe in their support, Jenny Craig, 2 years of weekly meetings with a nutritionist at a hospital weight loss program, private group psychotherapy for compulsive overeaters, Individual psychotherapy for binge eaters, In-patient liquid diet leptin study, phentermine, many herbal appetite suppresants, cabbage soup diet, Atkins, Atkins, and more Atkins, Body for Life, Bob Greene, exercising or not eating until I felt faint . . . I'm sure I forgot a few.  This Lap Band is the Best thing I've ever done for myself.  If I ever had to lose it, I'd not think twice about converting to some other weight loss surgery.

I wish you the very best,
Leila

Amen, Leila. I have come to beleive that WLS is for folks who know they have tried/are trying all they can with very little results.

The trick is to know when you are one of those folks and not rusihing into yet another diet scam. Us fatchicks are suspicious types.

I will RUN to get a lapband if need be and my current approach is no longer working and the weight creeps back on.  I am counting on WLS overall getting nothing but better as the years go forward.