mwy (Mary) or others who have...

walked this road of weight loss.  Mary,  I appreciate your post to me.  You are right, it does come down to calories in vs. calories out.  Ironically, I was a health (teaching) and PE major in college.  I own an exercise facility.  I know, really, really ironic and really, really, really not funny.  I have helped others lose weight for 7 years now.  I know that all this sounds really unreal.  I'm not sure why people still come to my facility with me in the shape I am in, but they do. 

I gained 72 pounds during my pregnancy with my almost 4 yr old.  Before that, I was still always shifting between 180 and 220 (about a size 14 - 18).  Before that, for a while I bounced between 150 and 200.  Before that, I bounced between 130 and 150.  I actually got from 278 (my highest prego weight) to 224 one time.  But I white knuckled my way there.  I would sometimes still binge eat followed by not eating much at all so that I could lose at my weigh in.  I have had some sort of messed up relationship to food since I was very young.  I remember my mom would take us out to eat if my dad and her got into an argument.  We would go out to eat for almost any reason.  My mom swung between binge eating, excessive dieting and even bulimia.  I was sort of unaware of this as a child - I guess it was just my normal world.  As an adult, I know that I have built my relationship to food based on what I grew up doing.  It has become this demon that haunts me.  When I watch tv shows about people who are deeply drug addicted or alcoholic - I can identify with everything they say (as it relates to binge eating).  I have been going to counseling (although not for about a month due to busy work schedule).  The counselor really doesn't TELL me what to do as far as losing weight.  I guess it's not her job.  Mostly, she has helped me to see that when I am binging, I am trying to forget something.  I am doing better dealing with my binging b/c of her.  For about I guess a month - I just decided to cut down by just attempting to not overeat.  I was doing well with the obsessing, not wanting to binge very often.    But then I decided to go weigh in at Weigh****chers, thinking that I would continue just cutting back but used their scale as a way of not letting myself give up, a motivator.  Well, that was fine and I did well, at first.  But, last week I was just in pain alot and really FEELING my weight in my body and thinking, "I have to do this faster".  As soon as I started telling myself that I needed to do a "diet" or some sort (maybe WW), I started binging.  I started eating foods that I hadn't been eating that were heavy on grease and buying king size ****e cups.  I can't explain how I feel when this happens.  It's like an overwhelming urge.

I'm confused.  I hope that the readers of this post will understand that I am not trying to be whiny.  I really WANT to lose this weight.  I do want to do the work.  I know that I'm doing exactly what my mom did and I don't want to model it for my daughter.  I know that it seems like I am just weak, I am really very strong in every other area of my life.

Anyone that can relate - I would love to hear about overcoming this.

((hugs))

I just wanted to give you a hug, you sound like you need one.  I don't even know where to start.  For one because I have a few of your problems myself.    But of course it's easier to read and tell people what to do than it is to actually do it yourself!  It sounds like you need some self love, know what I mean?  I've been trying to do this myself.   Maybe instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your problem, focus on the positive aspects.  Like instead of concentrating on that next binge happening (I know what you mean by obsessing with this) try to focus on keeping yourself full from good foods that "might" help if you do feel this binge coming on.  Also have an emergency plan in tact, like go to the gym, or call a friend, SOMETHING that will get your mind off of this event happening.  Not sure if this will work for you, but it's worth a try!  I know this is an inner problem that needs to be solved, but at the same time I really believe in habits.  Just like excercisng for example.  Habits can be made, good and bad.  Maybe you should concentrate on making some good habits and it might get rid of your old one...or at least help it in the long run.  Think I read it takes four months??  to create a habit.   How wonder we keep binging! :)  It turns into an obsession!  

  I'm tired and very run down so I hope I'm making sense.  Lol, sorry if I'm not.  Just wanted to really give ya a hug and tell ya I'm reight there with ya, fighing it.

WE  CAN DO IT! :)  

 

Geeze Girl, no wonder you have a dysfunctional relationship with food.  Just from the little I've heard, you're Mother had some serious issues and you picked up on all of them.  Which is only normal cuz we learn our patterns of behaviour from the adults around us.  We speak English because the people around us speak English, not because we formally learned it.  So as a child, you didn't realize that your Mother had picked a fight with your Dad as an excuse to go eat, you just equated eating with stress...eating as a way of relieving stress. 

But judging from your college major and choice of career, it sounds like at some point in your life you decided to do the healthy thing, no?  So you know all of the right things to do, you are just having problems implementing them in your everyday life.  I think you may have just gotten a little overwhelmed from gaining so much weight with your pregnancy that it became so uncontrollable to you.  Strong people don't so much like feeling out of control, trust me, I know about that one!  Controlling twenty pounds is life's normal challenge, but when it starts adding up, it gets harder to deal with emotionally.  Add the stress of owning a gym and having clients losing weight and I just can't imagine.  That baby fat excuse only lasts so long before you have to start telling people the kid is twenty and in college!  

You said before that you get defiant when you can't have what you want to eat.  I may not know the reason for such behaviour, but maybe your therapist could prescribe something for mild anxiety, and then deal with the emotional aspect as you go.  In my situation, my PCOS caused a mild hormonally induced depression and I started taking SAM-e to help.  Not only did it take away the depression, but I got back my energy.  It's all natural, I love that stuff!

And as for being whiny...it's totally allowed here.  "Whiners R Us"...if we can't help, we'll whine with ya!  This is a looooong journey and there are days when you will be strong and in control, and days that you hate your plan and everything involved in weight loss.  Around here, there's bound to be someone in your situation at any given moment.  Difference is, we're not like talking to civilians (skinny people), our eyes don't glaze over when someone goes to whining about weight, we can talk about this stuff all day long.

Holla back,

Mary

 

Holly Rachel - Thanks for the hugs.  Right back at ya!  Thank you for your advice.  I really appreciated it.

Mary - I did decide that I wanted to teach health and PE for a reason.  I have always wanted to be active and always felt that there was not enough emphasis on "health" class in the public schools.  I think it was and still is my way of saying "this is important".  Maybe I feel that even if I haven't been able to help myself, I can help others.  Knowing what to do is definitely not the problem.  It's knowing how to change the way I've learned to respond to my emotions w/ eating.  It's as natural to me to have this relationship w/ food as it is to take a shower in the morning.  The only luck I seem to have with not binging (at least not much) is when I just allow myself to have everything.  It seems to take the magic out of those forbidden foods when I can have them any time I want.  When I tell myself  I will feel no guilt about what I eat, then I don't tend to eat the things that used to make me feel guilty.  Guilt is a big part of it all.  My mom was on an endless cycle that included alot of guilt about the eating she was doing.  It was impossible to stay on a "diet", so then she was a failure.  Then she felt guilty and unworthy, then she ate.  I guess that this 280something pounds is just very hard to carry around and when I get to hurting alot (everyday), the thoughts of I guess maybe guilt for getting/staying this way come in, and I start doing precisely what she did and I start thinking of the next big diet.  Then I have tremendous difficulty staying on the diet and then the binging.  It's just so difficult.  I really feel that the only way I will be able to lose weight is to not dieting.  I just hope I can do it and learn to keep from getting in a hurry.  I don't know why I do that.  For instance, I had lost 5.6 pounds in a few weeks - then the first week I start thinking I should diet - I gained 1.4???  It only makes sense that what I was doing was working.  Maybe I just need to pump up on the aleve and keep at it.

Thanks for listening!

Well, you answered your own question about why you are in a hurry to lose...you are hurting from the strain of your own weight.  That ain't no fun.  When I was at my highest weight, I had horrible pain from heal spurs and as soon as I lost the first fifty pounds, that went away, which made it possible for me to start getting in better workouts, and lose faster.  

I've been thinking about your situation and a thought occurred to me.  You are having the same issues as your mother had and passed on to you.  You own a gym and counsel people on weight loss and exercise.  I'm thinking that you could do some therapeutic sessions and pretend that your mother, in her youth, has come to your gym and you counsel her on what you think would work for her.  You could write it all down in a notebook to keep a record that could possibly help you.  It might be kind of interesting to read it and find out what you would have to say to her!  It might help and it doesn't cost anything, so try it, it could make a difference.

Mary   

Interesting idea Mary.  Let's see, it would go something like this:

What is your goal *********?  Reply - I'd like to lose about fifty pounds.  About what do you weigh now?  200  And your height? 5'3  Have you recently been gaining or losing?  I've always gained and lost over and over.  Do you feel that food has become a bit of a source of comfort? yes, I do.  What did you weigh when you last felt really good?  About 130  How long ago was that? Before I had my child.  Are you lacking energy right now?  yes, I am very busy and always there for everyone else.  Are you stressed? Yes, I take care of the whole world, everyone but me.  Do you have poor circulation, ie.cold hands, cold feet, numbness, tingling?  Yes, I do.  Do you exercise now?  No (my mom didn't exercise regularly for any period of time but I do exercise regularly - at least 2 times a week).  What types of exercise have you done in the past?  Everything, but nothing for long.  Did you feel better when you were exercising?  yes  Do you currently have any health issues? My knees hurt (that's my mom's answer but at this point everything I got hurts).  What made you decide to come in and get started today?  I'm just tired of this endless yo yo cycle.  I want to find something that will last - I need support.  Will your loved ones be supportive of your plan to get healthy? No, well- everyone but my husband.  He wants me to be thin but yet he'll complain about me doing this.  (that's my mom's answer - my DH is the bomb) Does your doctor encourage you to exercise?  yes  Will you be able to demand the amount of time it takes to get in shape from your schedule? Yes ( but then she would let something else or someone else become more important).  What are the two most important reasons that you must get in shape?  I feel insecure and want to change that and I want to fit into my clothes. (everything seemed to be about my mom's looks - it didn't seem that she wanted it to be that way but it was like she felt like that was all she was or something.  Even though she helped so many people, was an awesome employee, a great friend, an attentive mother, a good wife.  She did all things well but it seemed like that was just what she had to do but it didn't give her any sense of self worth.  Nothing have her self worth except looks it seemed.) 

So that's kind of an example of an initial meeting with someone to help them become aware of exactly what they are wanting to do and also to help them sort of "come clean" to themselves about where things are and how their weight is affecting their lives.  Of course, I would continue to work with the person but I will post this and read it back and hopefully it will be revealing for me.  Let me know what you think, Mary and others.

Reading this back, I did notice something that I normally don't really think about.  My mom did seem to feel like all she was worth was what she looked like.  Reading it back, I connected the fact that my mom's dad left when she was 12 (the oldest of five) and ran off with a young blond.  Then, when she was about 16, she was raped.  She was sexually harrassed by my paternal grandfather as a very young adult.  Obviously, my mom and I have been very close for her to have shared some of these things with me - maybe some of it was inappropriate for her to share, not sure?  Also, my mom was also extraordinarily beautiful in her teens and early twenties.  I was molested at a very young age (4 & 5) repeatedly by my babysitter's son.  I don't want to toot my horn or anything but I was also a pretty girl in my teens and early twenties.  I had lots of dates - very handsome dates.  I might have placed my value in my looks as well.  It seems odd to place value in that and then sabotage it though.  Maybe I (and she) wanted to be beautiful but deep inside we were afraid of the consequences of being thin and pretty b/c of the abuse we suffered.  I'm not sure but I know I'm crying right now - must mean something.

Awwe damn, now ya made ME cry!  Not only for you but for your mom, too.  How easy is it for us to sit here and judge her issues, when we need to be giving her credit for having any self worth at all considering everything she's been through.  You should be proud of her that she didn't go hide in a cave somewhere and abandon everything and everyone.

Yanno, back in the day, I'm fifty-one, we NEVER lost weight for health reasons, we lost it to look better...the thought that it would make you healthy never even occurred to us!  So her need to loose to look good was pretty par for the course back then.  And the fear of being attractive was also something we dealt with.  It may be hard to believe, but it has only been in the last few decades that a woman wasn't blamed for being raped.  It was her fault if she dressed provacatively or acted a certain way.  Unfortunately, she probably passed that fear and confusion on to you.

What I found that helped me deal with that the most was to take kick boxing classes and then I went to a Lady Beware class at the Sheriff's Office and they taught self defense courses.  There is something empowering for a woman to know that all of her strength is in her legs and she can literally kick a man's ass!!!  

And girl, you have one great advantage that your Mama didn't have, a great supportive husband.  Guys like that are a blessing indeed!

Sounds like you have a lot to think about.  But the good news is that you aren't a child anymore and you are more than capable of taking care of yourself and your family.  But there comes a point when you have to make the time for yourself that your mama didn't make.  Weight loss is like a second job, but you are oh so worth the time!

  Mary 

Thank you Mary.  You are right, my mom did go through alot and she dealth with it as best she could.  It's not that I fault her it's just that I thought she was the absolutely perfect mother until I had my own child.  I really didn't realize the things that I have picked up from her until counseling.  When I was able to talk to someone impartial and go through my life in my mind, I realized that I was a product of my mom's influence.  I know that I can change that and I'm not trying to bash her.  She just did the best she could.  I do want to stop this cycle though b/c it's painful and I don't want my child to grow up the same way.  I guess maybe I just have to keep on keepin on till I get it figured out.

Rome wasn't built in a day yanno.  All of this stuff takes time to figure out, and so does finding what works for you.  But you're on a good foundation and that is what it takes to move the process along.  You'll get there eventually, just give yourself some time and don't forget to love yourself along the way!

Mary