What did you eat today? 09/19

I'm going to say something here you're not gonna like, but I want you to hear it out and give it some thought.

I loved myself at 370 pounds. I loved myself so much that I did something difficult, painful and expensive that I really didn't want to have to do-- in a last ditch effort to save myself. And I truly believe that if I have had any success, it's because I was moving towards a better self, and not running from a "worse" self. Intention matters.

I was a beautiful fat woman. I dressed well, spackled my mug stylishly, had great lovers and a full life. I honestly believe that until you are in that headspace, nothing else will "do it" for you-- and weight loss is even a red herring-- you might get down to 166 pounds (as I have) and find a big pile of wrinkly and deformed skin you have to get over (as I have)-- or your skin's horribly dry, or your sex life's at a standstil.  People who are unhappy with themselves as people pre-op rarely seem to fare well post op, I've found.

So job one is getting a handle on Who Is Janina and Why Doesn't She Suck?

After that, the rest rather falls into place, to be honest with you.

It's not uncommon to lose weight and look down on fatness-- fat remaining in yourself and fat on others. But that's a prejudice you have to fight just as you would any other. You simply cannot accept that in yourself. When you feel it rising up, challenge it.

It's the missing piece, Janina. Think of it this way: the plane is going down and there's two people you can help-- you gonna save the guy who kicked your chair the whole flight or the one who offered you his blanket during the in flight movie?

Get your brain to the place where you can see your beauty, your intelligence, your usefulness RIGHT NOW--- and I mean today, not in three days, or in ten more pounds. When you love yourself, you will help yourself more eagerly, and life will start to flow your way-- I promise.

I understand what you're saying because it's been said to me by numerous therapists.  I've just never been able to do it.  I don't even understand why boys like me and I usually think they're just ******g with me because How could I be likeable? 

I know I'm ****** up.  I just haven't been able to correct it.

And yeah I'm on meds and yeah I did therapy for a LOONG time.  I don't know. 

Aawwww, Janina, don't be so hard on yourself.  You ARE worthy and you ARE successful!!  Embrace your accomplishments!!

Sometimes I think therapy is good; sometimes not so much.  Years ago, I was in therapy for YEARS and I finally began to realize that rehashing crap EVERY week encouraged me to stay in that frame of mind, which was not healthy for me.  I finally just decided to act like I was happy until I was - yanno, fake it 'til you make it.....and as cheesy as it sounds, it worked for me. 

Focus on what you do right andthe positive changes you've made in your life and others lives.  Try to let go of that negative self talk. 

Congratulations on the smaller size pants!!  FYI--Old Navy should take them back at the store without the packaging. 

Sharon

Here's my food for today:

Short and simple.  Was supposed to have surgery today so nothing after midnight last night; ended up not having surgery.

M1 (@ 4:30pm):  a big bottle of water; 1 cup of orange juice
M2 (dinner):  chicken fajita pita; a big bottle of water

No exercise