What did you eat today? 09/19

B: Coffee w/Cream (0 carbs)
S: Atkin's shake (1 carb)
L: HUGE salad w/ chicken (6 carbs)
D: Kielbasa w/mustard (3 carbs)
S: Whip cream (3 carbs)

Carbs: 13

Good/Bad: Two weeks ago, I found out that Old Navy online sells fat girl clothes.  Yay.  So I bought two pairs of pants at a size 26.  They were droopy.  So last week, I bought a belt and 1 pair of size 24's (to have a pair of "goal" pants).  I got the 24's yesterday and they fit perfectly.  So now I've got two brand new pairs of pants in my closet that I can't wear because they're too big and I can't return them because I don't have the box/invoice/tags anymore.  But heh - at least I fit my fat ass into a 24 - that's never happened to me before.

Yesterday, I was nuts (Lori, kind of like the day you had to call me to calm me down).  I was popping valium every 3 hours.  Hanging out on the Main Board and R&R board gives me the opportunity to see the tickers of the RNY girls.  I get so jealous and discouraged.  I also have my period right now, so on top of all my discouragement, I was over emotional too.  I made an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday, September 30th to discuss my lap band, it's lack of results, and possibly getting a revision.  Even IF I opt for a revision, I don't even know if it's possible because of the malabsorption issues of the other three surgeries; I have epilepsy and I MUST absorb all of that medication or I'm ******

I just can't take this anymore.  I can't hate myself anymore.  I can't be embarassed by myself. 

I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm really not.  I'm just keeping you guys in the loop.  I love you guys.

So what'd you eat today?

Funny J.  I don't think that I ever done anything to you.  You Never respond (except to that ridiculous post on the other board) when I post to you - which well hey, is okay.

I just wanted say:  keep your head up.  You are a very beautiful young woman who is trying her hardest  to make positive changes.

What malabsorption/surgery issues do you have?

I wish you well

Right now, with lap-band, I don't have malabsorption issues.  But I will if I get RNY.  That's my issue.
And you've never posted anything to me, hun, so how can I post back to you?

((((Janina)))

First off.. I want to point out the obvious.  Sometimes the scale doesn't reflect our loss, but the fact that you are wearing a smaller size tells me that you're doing your do and it's working. You've lost inches!!  CONGRATULATIONS, BELLA! 

I think it's a good idea that you talk to your surgeon... it keeps you proactive!!  I understand the sticky position you are in... that medication is nothing to screw with and I've read where a lot of RNY folks have to make adjustments.  Only your surgeon can tell you if there is a danger of malabsorption with not only the epilepsy meds.. but the other necessary meds.  Yanno.. WLS is a Godsend for people with a variety of conditions like diabetes and sleep apnea... but I don't know if it will make a difference with the illnesses with which you are dealing.  So a consult is definitely in order!  In the interim...you gotta be doing something right to be wearin' those 24's!  No???

I gotta say something about popping the valium....  I don't know if it will have an effect on your weight loss, but even though people brag about xanax helping them with weight loss, it makes me gain.   Then again... pure speed will make me gain. 

You are doing all the right things, little woman...  and that's the best anyone could ever ask for.  You've come SOoooooooo very far.. and you're working this like a trooper!  I'm not throwing pity your way... I'm trying to tell you that I'm proud of you!  At your age, I would have NEVER had the discipline you have!

You're right.. you can't hate yourself anymore!  You are doing everything humanly possible and believe it or not.. you ARE succeeding!  Hell, if I had HALF your talent, I'd be happier than a pig in poop! 

(Gee.. I'd sure love to have you stealth my mustang and race it) LOL

You're doing well.. you're a lot stronger than you think, and worth a HELL of a lot more than you know!

....  I know this sounds condescending.. but take it in the spirit that it's intended... I'm DAMNED proud of ya!!!  YOU ROCK WOMAN!

Hi Love.

No, I could be 90 pounds wet and I'll still have epilepsy. It's all neurological and neurological/chemical problems (except hormonal problems) don't go away when you lose weight.  In fact, my epilepsy has actually gotten a little worse since I've lost the 117.  I've had to "up" my meds.  Sucks.

And I promise I don't pop valium often at all.  It's just that I was at work, and crying hysterically on the phone to my mommy, whining about being fat and hating myself in every form and fashion and being tired of having pure hatred for my body.  The more I talked it out with Mommy, the more I cried and I don't have an office where I can close the door.  I have a high cubical and my neighbors probably could have heard me if I sobbed any louder.

Thank you for telling me that I'm doing the right thing by going to my surgeon.  I need to find help and I don't know where else to look.  I did the nutritionist already and found no help there. 

I'm going to clean out the trunk of my car this weekend and pull out my gym bag (Ie: My gym clothes).  It's going to be beautiful here this weekend so I'm going to walk the track at the high school.  I have to do as much as I can do.  I'm being VERY lazy and I know it. 

Thank god for you guys.

Yanno, before I started working out, I thought I was just being lazy too.  It's not laziness... it... HURT DANGIT!  The first time I got on that lifecycle, I lasted 3 minutes and when I got off I actually doubled over, couldn't breathe and really thought I was having a heart attack.  That's not very inspiring to make me wanna do it again... but I did.

It took a week to get up to 5 minutes at a time about 3 times throughout the day.  I couldn't do 15 minutes all at once.

Well, well.. here we are a year later and I can do two hours of cardio on top of weight training and bask in the sweat rolling off my forehead... loving it as I watch it drip to the floor!  I LOVE that towel being so wet when I leave!

It doesn't happen over night....  it starts with the first 10 steps.  It starts with as much as you can take... then do it again.. and again.. and again until you can take 20 steps....  then 30... then 50... and on and on.

You CAN do this... you've got youth on your side!  Believe me.. I sincerely do not credit exercise with my weight loss... but it's done wonders for my heart, lungs and the severe depression I was in.   I SIMPLY DON"T GIVE A SH*T if I'm the fattest woman in that gym.. by the time I'm soaked with sweat and ready to leave... I'm certainly the HAPPIEST woman there!  :)

Go for it, babycakes!

Have you considered the Sleeve? It doesn't have the level of malabsorption RNY does.

B.  2 fried eggs

L.  1 hamburger patty  85/15  3 oz
1 scoop of tuna salad

D.  I'm making a chicken ... hopefully I won't eat it.

Exercise.  3 hours - 2 cardio, 1 weights.  I ws going to go back this afternoon, but I was up at 4 and was actually falling asleep in the car on the way home.

There's no need for jealousy. The reasons you chose Lap Band, which I am guessing were related to legitimate fears and concerns you have had, still ring true. Malabsorption's no picnic. Complications are no fun. Be happy for the health you have, the safety it provides you, and do the best you can with the tool you chose-- it's all you can do.

The truth is that my post RNY diet is very much like the non-op one. I do not eat to fullness, so the restriction isn't doing me much good. I do not dump. I still have to practice portion control, account for every bit of my intake, move when I can. Only fat (and vitamins) are malabsorbed, and I don't eat a lot of fat anyway. So basically what I am saying is you might have had the same struggles even with an RNY.

I would be frustrated too. I am frustrated for you-- for everyone here-- who is struggling, eating very little, and having slow results. It has to hurt, and for that I am sorry, Janina.

There's yet another revision option if you truly cannot do the malabsorptive surgeries-- the VSG if your insurance covers it. I hear it's quite effective and would eliminate your malabsorption concerns.

Medications are generally just fine, although time-released ones are not as easily absorbed. It depends where and how the particular medication is absorbed.

There's my friend

Shari, I am at the end of my rope.  I really am.  I have had two legitimate meltdowns (One on the phone with Lori, one yesterday on the phone with my mommy). 

Shari I HATE myself.  I am embarassed to walk around my office.  I'm embarassed to walk to the bathroom.  I'm embarassed to walk around my block.  I'm embarassed to go to stores.  I'm more embarassed by myself now than I was 100 pounds ago and I don't know why. 

I don't know if RNY is my answer.  It probably isn't.  I'm just grasping at straws right now because I don't know what else to do. 

I've got over 140 pounds to go and girl, I am struggling so hard with one pound at a time.  And to do this 140 more times?  I just don't think I have it in me.  I really don't.

I can't give up.  I can't be this fat forever.  I can't keep hating myself.  So I'm trying to find solutions and that's where the revision idea came in.

I'm keeping a food journal.
I watched my calories.
I'm watching my carbs.
I went to the NUT.

The only thing I haven't done was get a diet drug from my PCP or talk to my surgeon about a revision and those are the only two things I can think of. 

I need a hug.