Without you....

Lori:
I feel your pain and frustration.   Although losing weight hasn't been as difficult for me, there are other things in life that have.  We have to continue to fight for what we want in life.
You have demonstrated that you have fought for what you wanted or needed and overcome many obstacles to achieve your goals.  YOU ARE A SUCCESS You have lost ALOT of weight - more than most people ever will!  You have overcome addiction, built a lucrative business, reversed a serious medical condition, kept your household going despite your ex-husband's lack of interest in helping you and lots of other things, I'm sure.  Think about all that.....that demonstrates that you have the ability and passion to achieve your goals and dreams!  Don't give up!  Allow your body to adjust to your HUGE weight loss and keep pushing forward.  If you think WLS is the route you want and/or need to take, don't hesitate to do that.  That does NOT demonstrate that you have failed in any way!
215 pounds is NOT something to snicker at or make fun of...well frankly 315 pounds or 415 pounds isn't either.  Don't allow what others might think of you to affect your life and your success. 
Now about the whining; we're here for you and frankly I haven't seen much whining on this board, especially compared to that other board I used to hang around.   Girl, there's some SERIOUS whining going on over there.  And you know what? None of us cared.  We all went through our own periods of whining and others were there for us so we're happy to be there for others when it's their turn for the whine and cheese party.
I've said this before and you told me I was full o' crap:  You are an inspiration to me! (especially now that I know all that you've overcome).  Keep on posting and keep on keeping on.
You can do it
Kimmie

I totally feel your pain, especially when it comes to just stressing and snapping from the stress.  I can't say that my fiance doesn't help out around the house and do chores, BUT there are things that just irritate me and I snap.  I snapped at him last night because I asked if he could help me clean up the dining room and kitchen last night while I was cooking dinner.  I feel like I'm constantly sweeping up litter and cat food from our 3 messy cats, throwing junk mail away off of the counters, empty plastic bags left behind, etc... I get so stressed when there is clutter.  It is like he will let things pile up until we have one of our saturday morning or sunder afternoon cleaning sprees, and yet I'm the only one that tries to keep things clean in between and I just can't do it all myself.  If I bring in the mail, I immediately sort out the junk mail and throw it in the recycling bin, if I take something out of a cabinet I put it back when I'm done, if I make a mess I clean it up.  Simple as that, but he doesn't do that.  He brought in this old subwoofer that I had taken out of my old car when I traded it in and had been sitting in the trunk of the new car doing nothing.  He set the subwoofer on the bar part of our kitchen counter that overlooks the living room and just left it there.  Meanwhile he brings in the mail and leaves the junk mail sitting on the counter next to the sink, not to mention the emtpy plastic bags he didn't throw away when putting away groceries the night before.  I feel like I'm the only one who takes initiative during the week to keep things clean and he just dirty's it up.  I ask him nicely if he can help out and put things away and throw stuff away and he cops an attitude like "you act like our place is super messy and all of this has to be done right away".  I just blew up and screamed at him.

I know how frustrating it is to be constantly fluctuating in weight.  I was 135-140 in high school, then I was 170, then 218, then 180, and then 215, then 205, and now 225.    When I had hit 180 I was working our 4 times a week, 1 hour of step aerobics twice a week, and 1 hour of aerobic kick boxing twice a week.  I completely plataued and lost hope. 

Are you losing inches?  I think it is so difficult as women because our weight fluctuates at any different time of the month whether it be weight gain or water weight or what.   Even if you aren't lifting a lot of weights, when you are doing some weight training your weight will definitely go up and down.  Do you measure yourself once a month?  I've always been told that is the best way to measure weight loss, to try and ignore the scale and just go by the inches lost.  But of course it is all easier said then done because as women we want to see the weight on the scale going down and not up even if the up isn't a bad up. 

Oh.. I so feel your frustration.. DAILY!  

I'm not losing inches....  and unfortunately, really need to pay attention to the scale, but not just for weight loss.  I have to watch for rapid gains....and it happens often.. like 10 lbs overnight.  I used to have to hit the doc's office with that so he could check my heart.  It's still happening, but at my last check up (a month ago), he wasn't as concerned as he used to be when I weighed over 300 lbs. 

I measure quite often... just waist and hips mostly.  At one point my waist and hips were the same size!  Now there's a 7 or 8" difference between 'em.  But they haven't changed in a couple of months.

Hey Lori!

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

You know what? It is hard.  It does suck.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to what make those scales move up and down.

Good on you for persisting when you'd rather throw in the towel.  Here's a perspective to consider: you are not actually going NOwhere... you are actually maintaining the 100lb weight loss you have already achieved.  That is to be applauded. It may not be what you are hoping for but it is still a positive. 

Em

Thinking about this today, it came to me finally that it is a matter of acceptance of who & what we are.

For me, I will not likely be, ever, a 120# svelte muscly woman.

I AM a solidly built peasant-bodied woman who loves to laugh.

I see in the mirror a person I do not want to be. That is a real problem, obviously. I see a woman who I can "live with"...who will "never be enough"...to ME, or some egotistical asshole who I think is The real me.
 
I am not fair to my own body! Are you being fair?  

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>  You're right...

I do not accept myself.. well.. I do not accept my body (as related to this topic).  Oh yea, there are most things I do not accept about myself but other things that I DO accept.

IE:  When I quit taking the chantix because I saw that rapid weight gain.  I ACCEPTED that I was still going to smoke, forgave myself for giving up and just moved along.  No regrets.....

My stubborn ass has been holding me back.  I have REFUSED to buy anything but workout clothes.. absolutely REFUSED.  I'll buy a long top that I can wear over a pair of danskins.. lol  But I have REFUSED to buy jeans or pants suit or skirts in a size 16 or 18.  I get in that dressing room..... try  'em on, pull 'em off and leave as quickly as possible so I don't break down in tears in the store.  I can't tell if that's self-loathing, or embarassment, frustration that I've not gone further... I dunno... vanity maybe, an ego crush.. lol   I don't know what is doing that to me but it's gotta stop... it has become all consuming.  I am not ME but I am what size I can wear.. <-- yea.. that's not good.  I've allowed my size to define my very being.

I want to see someone I can "live with" too. 

Gotta grow up sometime... yanno? 

Good response, Neecee....... it's food for thought... thank you.

I think we all have a goal we're shooting for and I suppose none of us are going to be satisfied until we hit that supposed goal.  Maybe we think magically everything will fall into place once we attain it.

I thought it was interesting reading where you are right now with your size and not wanting to buy clothes.  My goal is to get below 200 also....would love to bounce around in that 190-200 range and never see the plus side of 200 again.  Not sure what size I would be, but think to myself that I would be thrilled to go into a regular ladies department (not WOMEN) and fit into a size 16.  But who knows....I may get there and that wouldn't be enough for me.

I think Neecee hit the nail on the head (as usual).  Are we ever ENOUGH?  Guess I need to give that one some thought.

I know, right... what is it with Neecee....  where does all of this good, rational thinking come from?  Why can't I have some!!

Sherrie..... Onederland was an initial goal.. actually.. 180 was my goal but seeing onederland would have given me hope.

I joined this site last July and didn't start off too good.  I was struggling (the 10 shots of insulin a day didn't help), and watched my starting weight go from 311 up to like 325 and I really thought I had no shot... no shot at all.

Now I feel like I should be counting my blessings.  I've made a lot of changes, I have.... .but the disappointment takes over like a tidal wave coming my way that I just can't avoid, and I go into these bouts of depression over it because I feel like I just set myself up to fail...so that's what I'm going to do. 

Since then I've lost 100 freaking pounds and I was so into it that I thought there wouldn't be any limit as to what I could accomplish. I'm a FIRM believer in not downing anyone for what they find works for them.....  we are all different....  our chemistry and how we react are varied.... we're not all cut from the same mold - then I feel all put down by folks who insist their way is the ONLY way.... and I crawl back into my cave again where I feel safe.

I read everyone else's accomplishments and I am SOooooooooooooo truly happy for them.... and envious at the same time...  I think "why can't that be me".  Then I read about folks who are struggling and I just want to take them to come live with me and do all of their cooking and help them exercise and show them that they CAN.  Talk about duality!  I'm not even a one way or the other kind of person, but I know for sure that there is no WAY I can help anyone unless I get myself in order.  This has been making me crazy because as dumb as this is going to sound to some because of how neurotic I am, my dream has been to reach goal and get an education in nutrition and fitness and go out there and help other obese diabetics who can't "find the way".  I was starting to think that maybe this was God's purpose for me... this is the way I was meant to serve Him........   but if it was, I would be doing much better at it.

Simply, I love you people.... and I want everyone to feel happy and healthy and I feel worthless that I can't offer the benefit of wisdom from having accomplished what I set out to do.  For instance... your carrot munching.  With your insulin reisistence... alarm bells went off and I wanted to offer suggestions, but was worried that maybe I was making a mistake because if I knew so much, then why aren't I a size 9!

It goes much deeper than just losing weight.... it goes to me finding a purpose for living. 

Ok.. that's deep.. and probably doesn't express fully what I really want to communicate, but I think you get the idea.

I'm disappointing myself in MORE ways than just inability to follow through and reach a fitness goal.. yanno?  THAT'S why it's hurting so much.

Maybe my Lord has something very different in mind for me but for the last 100 lbs, I really felt a strong pull toward the direction of helping others.  Does this explain my dismay?

Ok.... back to being the "ice queen"... LMAO

Neecee:
You're right.  What's so weird is that I thought I had accepted who and what I was, 35 pounds heavier and NO plastic surgery.  During that time, I loved myself ALOT....and frankly had never been noticed by others so much.  I felt I could take on the world, and I did.  That love projects to others and is attractive to others.  I never understood how a fat person could feel sexy and attractive to others until then.
Obviously SOMETHING happened because I felt the need to lose more weight and spend upwards of $50k on surgery.  And thinking back, it was someone telling me I wasn't good enough....and then internalizing that and telling myself that too.
:::sigh:::
During the PS, I went through horrible self-doubt and self-loathing - the opposite of what usually happens.  It was SO hard for me to get myself on the upward swing again and it didn't happen until I finally decided that dammit I WOULD be happy and I just had to make it happen for myself.
I'm not yet where I was during my period of loving myself but I'm close (and poorer!)
Anyway, thanks for the insightful post.  In simplistic terms, it IS about loving oneself.

Kimmie i do NOT KNOW where that line is where we push ourselves to *excellence* and reality is. I s'wan I do NOT KNOW>>>>>

I was not happy at weight 140-150 in high school. I cannot tell you how many pictures of myself in a bikini i tore up. One I am age 16, in a twisted my mind got over my body image. I am positive that I would kill to look like that now!

So, at weight number 200 ish, i decided that if not now, when would I get happy? Still, though, like I say, i don't know when to be a Dominatrix who whips me back into shape or a Loving Accepting Person who sees it like it is.....

Now I am somehwere in between and still cringe when i see pictures of myself. I just dont tear 'em up so much anymore.

 

where is that line....