Without you....

Ok.. don't laugh.... I know this sounds corny... BUT

Without you guys.....  I don't know... I think I would have been locked up in an insane asylum by now.  The more I read, the more I learn that what I REALLY need to find is PATIENCE.  Where do you all hide it?  Is there any extra you can send my way?

I almost started crying while working out today.  I was working legs.... and the weights felt SOoooooooooo heavy even though a lousy 150 lbs on a leg press is normally a walk in the park for me.  I think it was depression over my failure to continue weight loss that was making everything feel so difficult.  I couldn't carry on a conversation with Andrew (and usually we really enjoy the bantar).. all I could do was count and say "what next".  Everything I did seemed like I was doing it with that 100 lbs I lost strapped to my back.  I said to Andrew "I'm beginning to believe that these efforts are nothing more than a lesson in futility.....  I'm not getting anywhere anymore.  :(

I know I shouldn't get on the scale, but frankly, I'm obsessed.  A lot of us tend to be obsessed with one thing or another and I could think of worse things - but I feel so insulted when I get on that scale.

Yesterday I hit 213 on the scale.  I was throwing ketones finally.  Today I got on to see 216 and really almost lost it.  No ketones at all.  I ended up starting a fight with Jon because of his procrastination (which I really am used to by now).  I wanted the tools brought in from the garage so I could fix this stupid, peeling bathroom ceiling.  I wanted the sealer so I could reseal the point between the tub and the floor.  I wanted my brushes and rollers so I could throw a couple of coats of primer on the ceiling and the one accent wall (which is too dark) that I have in there.

At 6:00am, there he was.... on the phone with yet another conference call.  I lost it!  I took down and laundered all the window treatments almost 2 weeks ago (and they are in the closet).  This morning I took all the deco down throughout the house....  my daughter's art, the family photos, my guitars... everything and pulled out the nails so I could fill in the holes.  ALL I WANTED WAS THE DAMNED SPACKLE that he had hidden somwhere in the garage in a box with all of my painting supplies........... and I couldn't get it.  I finally said "I'm fixing this house, then I'm leaving for good....   If I have to be and do everything alone all the time, I might as well do it for myself instead of for you! 

By the time I got to the gym, I was holding back the tears of frustration.... feeling as though there is NOTHING I can do right.  I can't take care of this house alone.... and I feel like I've gone as far as I can go with the weight loss.  I got to the car and the dam burst and I quickly put on my sunglasses to hide it.  Is this just frustration?

Mary telling me that it's taken her 6 years to lose her weight both inspired me and frightened me at the same time.  I know Neecee has been struggling with the same few for sooooooooooo long and she is the most active person I know.  I rededicated myself to induction.... stopped the chantix....  stopped overtraining (thinking I was doing the right thing).....  and today I see I'm 3 lbs up from yesterday even AFTER taking the lasix. 

Lord, Lord...... how and why does this happen.  I can't work any harder.. I truly can't... and I'm out of time.  I am not presentable to get out there and get back to work and I can't afford to sit on my ass anymore since my daughter has moved and she's just not making a go of it.  She will NEED my help......  I want to go back to Florida so I could be near her... but how can I leave Jon here all alone?  He should remarry..... marry his job.... do something.. but not rely on me to do it all around here while doing his laundry and ironing and making his meals... not when my heart is so broken over the difficulty I've been having..... the maddening inability to lose this lard I've been carrying around for so long.  I feel so absolutely GROSS!

Therapy doesn't seem to be helping.... he's a good guy... attractive, soft spoken.. non-threatening....  but I don't think he really gets how much I define myself by my weight.  I just can't see getting hired or getting my business underway without the "window dressing".

I've been thinking that I've gone as far as I can go on my own and it might be time to look into surgery .... NOT THAT I WON"T KEEP TRYING.. I will keep trying.. I will.  I just really want some confirmation that I'm doing the right things and they just aren't working - or I need to be told what I'm doing is wrong and that's why I can't lose anymore........... or I need to be told to give up already.

Sorry for the rant... I'm not off the deep end, really... I'm not here ordering extra cheese pizzas or anything.  I went ahead and had 3.58 oz of a 85/15 hamburger fried in olive oil.

I'm just frustrated..... and I know many of you understand and can validate this emotion.....  no one IRL over here "gets" it..... how hurtful it is to try and try and try and seemingy get NOwhere.

God bless you all for putting up with me.  God surely has a special blessing for all of you for keeping a sister's head above water... cause sometimes it feels like if tha****er rises just an inch, or I lose my strength to hold onto the ledge....  I'm just gonna lose it all together.

Again.. forgive me...  I do appreciate all of you and consider you very important in my life.

God be with you.... God be with all of us!
Lori

Thanks for making me CRY!

Nothing to add...you said it. You, and so many here, validate me, and slap me when I need it and always give me something to think about in the few alone moments in my life.

We do - all of us - work so VERY HARD!

Lor, right back atcha. Life is so hard.

Crying!??!
Me too, damn it!!  And I'm at work!

Oh Lori... What are we going to do with you?

You're three steps beyond frustrated, and I can't say anything but "I feel your pain".

Why does it all have to be so hard?!?

We all understand the general rules of losing weight.  So we follow the rules, exact to the "T".  Some weight comes off, and we're happy.  "This plan works!", we think.  "Why didn't I do this before?"  Three weeks pass and you're slamming your head against the wall wondering why your metabolism took a vacation and how the hell did you pack on 2 pounds this week when you had nothing bu****er, lettuce and grilled chicken?

"Time and Patience", your friends tell you.  "Okay" you think, and you get your second wind.  "Maybe this time I'll work out, and that'll get me going!". 

Three weeks pass and you're a certified gym rat, but you get on the scale and how the **** did 3 pounds attach itself to your hips?!?

"Muscle weighs more than fat", your friends tell you.  Fine.  You understand that.  But you're not weight lifting that heavy, so WTF?

You re-evaluate your diet "Protein: Check, Water: Check, No sweets: Check. Pure suffering: Check..."  You re-evaluate your work out regime "Cardio: Check, Light Weights: Check, Unstoppable sweating: Check, Ignoring that you're the fattest girl in the gym: Check..."

You couldn't be putting in more effort if you got a high school band behind you to help.  Where's the results?  Where's the outcome?  Why isn't my scale cooperating?

It sucks.  And there's nothing you can do about it. 

I got tired of it and thought "Hmmm... surgery.  That wasn't on the "diet menu".  Let's try that".  But nope - here I am, a year and change later, dieting like I was.  One-fifteen down, though, yes.  But just like before surgery, my metabolism went to St. Martin and left me in the dust. 

"Should I have gotten an RNY?  They lose so much quicker that way, but there's only a small window of opportunity to lose the weight, then you just *stop*".  No, because it's a riskier surgery and you have too much to lose - you can't afford a "window". 

So where's the answer?  Who's got the puzzle solved? 

It's not fair.  You tried:
Doctors
Nutritionists
Trainers
Books
DVD's
Support groups
Diet clubs (WW, etc)
Friends
- the list goes on...

Lori, my love - only God knows how we're going to get to our goal weight.  In the mean time, the only thing we can do is be there for each other. 

You work your ass off, and you deserve to be at any weight you want to be at because of it.  Why you're not there yet is beyond me.  But I love you and I'll gladly hold your hand until you're satisfied with your weight loss.

I do appreciate the sentiments.... I just wish there were some other "whiners" around here so I didn't feel so much like a pariah.

I NEED my life back.... no wait.. scratch that.... I'll take ANY life!  I'll even settle for a couple of new kittens just so I don't have to be alone all the freakin' time.

So I went to the gym....  cried on my way to Home depot and bought the freakin' putty, the necessary brushes to cut the edges, a sander which attaches to an extension and cheap rollers (just for the primer) and managed to cut myself several times trying to get bathroom fixtures down and started to prime that nasty wall and BROKE the extension I had hooked up to the sander I was doing the ceiling with.

In the interim... I went off.. not completely... but decided to have some BLT's w/mayo (no bread of course)... did it like three times which equals 6 pieces of bacon (more than I should really have in a week's time).. and lemme tell ya girls.. it was DAYEM good.  I know that it shouldn't hurt the weight loss.... if anything it should force ketosis.. but I still feel badly.  I wish I didn't have to eat at all and have actually tried to figure out how I could become anorexic (I know... pretty  f**cked up brain here).

Yanno what another problem is...... finding something strong enough for me to stand on to get to that ceiling (since I'll have to hand sand it without an extension since I broke it).  Light weights aren't going to really get the idea of how serious that is... but it's a pain when ya gotta be afraid of a step stool or ladder breaking from the weight.

He doesn't want to do it... ok.. no problem... GET ME SOMETHING THAT WILL HOLD OVER 200 LBS!  Not everyone is 160 lbs like he is! 

Over the last 30 years, I haven't minded doing this work around the house by myself... mainly because if I don't - it'll just fall apart because although Jon is absolutely brilliant, and a top technician - he absolutely SUCKS as a homeowner (even though he's been since he was 19 years old).  There are just things that I'm incapable of doing and my WEIGHT is one of the major reasons. 

In our first house, I'd think NOTHING about using a chair to climb on top of the fridge to climb on top of the ledge at the 15' ceiling to paint.  Now it scares me.  THEN I was 160 lbs though.

WHAT DOES EVERYONE ELSE DO????  SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT YOU DO....   Bullimia (been there, done that), anorexia?  Maybe I should spend 5 hours a day at the gym.. maybe my thought that I'm overtraining (despite years of experience in these matters from the time I was 12) is incorrect.  I'm not adding muscle.. just toning what I already have... it's bad enough that my triceps are massive (I'll get a pic posted of them one day.. you guys won't believe it..  you'll think they belong to a man).

I'm just so frustrated and sick to death of wracking my brain trying to figure it out.... and if it weren't for you guyz..... I'd be going through it completely alone.

Again...  forgive me for the pity party.... well.. it's not pity... it's a frustrated inquisition as to the RIGHT way to get this done.

Oh well.. back to the bathroom.. gonna take my chances on the stool that holds 200 lbs.

please... feel free to jump in with anything others are held back from doing because of weight... it'll at least make me feel like I'm not the only one.

Love ya!
Be Blessed
Neurotic Lori

Lori....any chance your weight is muscle weight?  Do you have one of those fancy scales that measures fat%, water%, muscle%?  Maybe you have lost your fat and are one of those people who have a high % of muscle weight and you'll never get down to what you feel is a decent weight.  Are you toned?  Trying to come up with some answers for you....LOL.

Believe it or not I've never even considered whether a ladder will hold me or not....just climb up them and change light bulbs or paint or wallpaper or whatever.  I do worry though when I go to someone's house and sit on some of their fancy cane seated dining room chairs or folding lawn chairs.  I always sit trying to balance some of my weight with my legs.

Water % goes between 38 and 41.  Fat % goes between 44 and 47.

I don't care HOW much muscle I have (I've had WAY more in the past).... 215 lbs is way too much.

Completely conditioned and competing I weighed 170 - 175.. so I know there's a lot of fat in there..

Yea... I always consider what I'm standing on.. guess I got conditioned that way when I was up around 325..

No good answer here....guess if we had the answer we wouldn't all be here supporting each other through the tears, sweat and frustration!

I'm not sure what you can do beyond what you have done and are doing for your weight loss.  I don't imagine your environment is conducive to feeling very positive about yourself (but don't know the cir****tances that keep you there). 

I think body image is so fundamental for those of us who fight this battle each and every day.  If we could only see ourselves in a positive light, I think it wouldn't matter to us how the rest of the world perceived us....and to tell you the truth, I don't think the rest of the world has nearly the problem with the way we look as we think they do.  There's really only about 15lb between where you are now, Lori and where you want to be...onederland, right?  Is that really going to make the difference in the public image you project?  Is one size smaller going to determine whether your business fails or succeeds? 

Maybe I just don't get it at all....and tell me if that's true....I don't pretend to know you (or your background that well).....but if you can build a sidewalk on your stomach at 300+lb, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, LADY!!!!  You've got more guts and determination in your pinkie than most people experience in a lifetime.  That must just add to your level of frustration because you have been working SOOOOO hard at this.

The Lord has a path for you.....of that I'm sure.  Just keep praying to be open to His guidance  and hand over that frustration for Him to handle.....it's way too heavy a burden for you to carry alone.

Blessings......Sherrie

Sherrie... . I built a lucrative business with my own two hands.. walking up and down the highway knocking on every business door and pushing my way through 'em to get sales and get my business off the ground.  I had two stores at one point.  I did it for 10 years until I got too sick to do it anymore.

I got myself off of some pretty hardcore drugs by sitting home and sweating it out.. no doctors.. no help... just the Bible and a lot of prayer.

I took a prognosis of "it's not a matter of if you're going to have a heart attack soon, it's a matter of when" to leaving my doctor's mouth hanging open at the change in the condition of my heart and lungs.  Brought uncontrolled type II dm which was causing skin infections and continual illness from a compromised immune system to "healhy" and clear skin.

I've done some things not many people can do on their own... but.... for the life of me.. I CANNOT do this!

I'm tempted to call a surgeon.... and I'm so scared of the knife, but after getting on that scale today I thought "I'm at my limit.... I've done the best I can"......  what more is there to do?

I'm really not freaking out here.... I just can't find answers and it's making me feel quite stupid.

Then I think of Mary... it took her 6 years... could I be headed there.  I guess I just gotta buy clothes, get out there in the world and tolerate the snickers and comments... I just dont WANNA.  :)

Lori....I SO don't think you're gonna have to face any snickers or comments.  215lb isn't 315 lb....that is a HUGE difference!  Do you think your BMI is even high enough to be considered for WLS at this point?  How tall are you?  I think when you get out there and buy some clothes that fit you, you're gonna be SO surprised how good you look. 

Don't worry about how long the rest of the journey is going to take....look back on this last year and really count all those blessings you just listed....everything you've accomplished this last year.  A year ago would you even have imagined that so many changes could be accomplished by all your hard work and determination?  YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES, GIRL.....BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

I so believe in you......

Sure re: the BMI   34.7 with co-morbidities (type II dm, emphysema) just to name the most severe.

I just think it's SCIENCE.. .. some folks can get there.... I got "stopped"...  I don't think this is unusual, but I want to explore all possibilities.  My goal is to get the weight off.... however it gets done, I don't really care.  I got a good start.. I really did.... but no matter how "good" I am, my body is resisting letting go.

It can't hurt to look into this....  I think with the malabsorbtion issues with a RNY, it may be the boost I need to ditch the rest of the weight.

Again.. I'm NOT saying that I quit.....  I'm just saying that I do need to explore all avenues at this point.......

hanks for believing in me.... I believe in all of us.... we just all have to do the do that works for each of us!

God Bless you!!!

Lori