A TOM Funny!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web mail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or  Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in  tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi  pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing  you haven't.

Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I  type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.  Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'   Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly  visits from 'Aunt Flo.' Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for  most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just  crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these  words:

'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny  middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless  you're some kind of sick S & M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your  life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's  actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is  Wrong.'

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull**** And that's a promise I will keep.*

Always. . *

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

I totally and thouroughly agree. I always said that dumbass slogan had to come from a man cuz just ONE day raggin' and his ass would be offing itself.

Kudos to Wendi!
Beth

ooooh, so true so true

I'm just proud to know that I'm not the only one who transforms into an inbred hillbilly with knife skills!  Until I can't find a knife big enough. 

Mary 

I've read this one before but it never stops making me roll...

"I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants."

LOVE IT!

Oh... CLASSIC!  Here's another one.. not as good as THAT one, but since we're on the subject................

  GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'   Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'    

There was a bit on our local news the other day about a man buying a box of condoms at the gas station.  Well he went to the return the box which was unopened for his money back.  The attendant told him that you can't return condoms regardless.  The guy got upset and called 911.  Later the police charged him with making a false report.

Cute.

Brenda

AND THAT ONE REMINDS ME OF A GUY IN ON EOF OUR INTERVIEWS:

When we asked if he had a record, he hung his head down and said "once in college, I was naked in the back of a pick up truck and got charged with indecent exposure.

But the judge threw it out:  Insufficient Evidence!

We all cracked up...he got the job.