New here... at my ropes end
Hi Everyone,
So I am new here, I am 26 and getting married next year. When I was in high school I weighed anywhere from 135-145. At the time people made me feel as though I was overweight and needed to lose weight (I'm 5'3.5" btw). Now that I look back I was crazy for ever thinking I was "fat" or letting people make me feel that way. What I would give to be that again. A few years ago I got up to 218lbs and decided to make a change. I left my jerk off boyfriend of the time and moved out on my own. Being single and living alone and only working 5 minutes from home gave me lots of time to work out. So I joined the YMCA and did 2 nights of Aerobics kick boxing for 1 hour and 2 nights of step aerobics for 1 hour each. I was also only cooking for myself so I could really regulate what I was eating. I lost about 30lbs and got into the 180lb range. I felt GREAT.
Well, I'm a depressed/stressed type of eater, and when my jerk boss demoted me and I ended up working odd hours it really put me in a slump. I became unmotived and no longer had a work schedule that worked with my gym routine. I started struggling with bills as well living on my own. So I hit a low point and decided my 2 year journey in GA was going to end and it was time to move back home to CA and be close to family again. So I did. I moved home with nothing, no job, no money. I moved in with a girl whom I thought was a friend of 10 years, but that turned out VERY disappointing. I also went through a couple of really rough things that I will chose not to disclose at this point.
I tried to get back into working out but it became very hard to stay motivated through everything. I ended up meeting the man I am now going to marry and that had to be the best thing ever for me. Last year we were running together a couple of times a week and that was helping me keep from continueing to gain weight again. But then I got plantar fascitis in my feet and had to stop running and my fiance ended up having hernia surgery in his groin. So needless to say we fell out of our routine. I've steadily gained weight since.
I now weigh about 225lbs, my heaviest EVER. I can't handle it. I tried joining Butterfly Life, but my work schedule keeps me from having the time to go work out there. On top of that when I do work out I have a lot of knee pain. I can't handle being this size anymore. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years now, and I am hitting a big low. It is affecting my relationship and my drive with my fiance. I don't love myself anymore, in fact I hate myself. I feel disgusting. I'm miserable. i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate who I am and who I have become. Weight gain has turned me into a horrible monster.
I don't eat crazily unhealthy, in fact I bring my own breakfast/lunch to work which usually consists of light snacks and a sandwich on wheat, and dinner is usually meat and veggies occasionally a little bit of potatoes or rice. But despite eating healthy I still seem to steadily gain weight. It is so hard to find the time to work out the way I know will work for me. 30 minutes a day does nothing for me, nor does just going out and walking. I don't have the patience to lose weight extremely slowly. I need results and fast. I'm at my ropes end and need a change. I can't get married feeling like this and being this monster.
I went to my doctor and talked to her about bariatric surgery but my BMI is 38 and not 40 so the only way I can qualify is if I have 1 of 5 health issues that include sleep apnea and diabetes and others I know I don't have. I don't know what else to do. I feel like the surgery would be a kick start to a good life change for me, but I can't afford to pay it on my own and if my insurance says no then I'm stuck. They've told me everything I've already heard and tried with dieting and excersice. But I just feel like I'm going in circles.
I'm at a loss...
Sorry for the long post, but I have to get it all out there. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? What are you doing? Is there help?
So I am new here, I am 26 and getting married next year. When I was in high school I weighed anywhere from 135-145. At the time people made me feel as though I was overweight and needed to lose weight (I'm 5'3.5" btw). Now that I look back I was crazy for ever thinking I was "fat" or letting people make me feel that way. What I would give to be that again. A few years ago I got up to 218lbs and decided to make a change. I left my jerk off boyfriend of the time and moved out on my own. Being single and living alone and only working 5 minutes from home gave me lots of time to work out. So I joined the YMCA and did 2 nights of Aerobics kick boxing for 1 hour and 2 nights of step aerobics for 1 hour each. I was also only cooking for myself so I could really regulate what I was eating. I lost about 30lbs and got into the 180lb range. I felt GREAT.
Well, I'm a depressed/stressed type of eater, and when my jerk boss demoted me and I ended up working odd hours it really put me in a slump. I became unmotived and no longer had a work schedule that worked with my gym routine. I started struggling with bills as well living on my own. So I hit a low point and decided my 2 year journey in GA was going to end and it was time to move back home to CA and be close to family again. So I did. I moved home with nothing, no job, no money. I moved in with a girl whom I thought was a friend of 10 years, but that turned out VERY disappointing. I also went through a couple of really rough things that I will chose not to disclose at this point.
I tried to get back into working out but it became very hard to stay motivated through everything. I ended up meeting the man I am now going to marry and that had to be the best thing ever for me. Last year we were running together a couple of times a week and that was helping me keep from continueing to gain weight again. But then I got plantar fascitis in my feet and had to stop running and my fiance ended up having hernia surgery in his groin. So needless to say we fell out of our routine. I've steadily gained weight since.
I now weigh about 225lbs, my heaviest EVER. I can't handle it. I tried joining Butterfly Life, but my work schedule keeps me from having the time to go work out there. On top of that when I do work out I have a lot of knee pain. I can't handle being this size anymore. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years now, and I am hitting a big low. It is affecting my relationship and my drive with my fiance. I don't love myself anymore, in fact I hate myself. I feel disgusting. I'm miserable. i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate who I am and who I have become. Weight gain has turned me into a horrible monster.
I don't eat crazily unhealthy, in fact I bring my own breakfast/lunch to work which usually consists of light snacks and a sandwich on wheat, and dinner is usually meat and veggies occasionally a little bit of potatoes or rice. But despite eating healthy I still seem to steadily gain weight. It is so hard to find the time to work out the way I know will work for me. 30 minutes a day does nothing for me, nor does just going out and walking. I don't have the patience to lose weight extremely slowly. I need results and fast. I'm at my ropes end and need a change. I can't get married feeling like this and being this monster.
I went to my doctor and talked to her about bariatric surgery but my BMI is 38 and not 40 so the only way I can qualify is if I have 1 of 5 health issues that include sleep apnea and diabetes and others I know I don't have. I don't know what else to do. I feel like the surgery would be a kick start to a good life change for me, but I can't afford to pay it on my own and if my insurance says no then I'm stuck. They've told me everything I've already heard and tried with dieting and excersice. But I just feel like I'm going in circles.
I'm at a loss...
Sorry for the long post, but I have to get it all out there. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? What are you doing? Is there help?
(deactivated member)
on 8/22/08 2:34 pm
on 8/22/08 2:34 pm
Welcome to the non-op board! Here are some suggestions:
- get your thyroid checked
- make time to exercise, ensuring that part of your workout routine involves building muscle
- measure your food and track it (use an online tool or post here on OH)
- cut down on carbs
- keep in mind that the weight didn't come on overnight so you won't get rid of it overnight (unless you have WLS or fast)
- you have to love yourself before this will work long-term
There's lots of success on this board. Stick around and embark on your journey with us. 
We've all been at the end of our rope, some of us repeatedly.
Some quick reactions to your post. You have a lot of resentment at people, and while they may have done you wrong, it's not only time to let that go, but time to learn how to a) have better discernment, b) not let it get to you when things go wrong, c) take responsibility for your role (even if it's being vulnerable to the wrong person), and d) not let emotion then get in the way of things.
In addition, I didn't see a big focus on doing this for yourself when you were in good habits. I think the mindset of treating yourself "beautifully" should be a permanent choice. ANd I think it will trickle down into other aspects of your life. Eat healthy, move, feel good about yourself because you deserve it, not because you're trying to accomplish something.
I started my journey at 320 and have lost around 60lbs. THe above is a transition I also made for myself.
The other thing I notice is a dependence on the exercise or "the diet" to accomplish this for you. I may be odd man out, but I feel you should create a lifestyle that delivers health from movement and eating that you can maintain. So for instance, I'm a firm believer in the low carb way of eating (I do Atkins) because you eat enough calories (most eat 2000/day) and don't "have to" rely on exercise...simply do it because you like it. (Before the peanut gallery chimes in since I'm an exercise aholic, I do it because I love it, not because it's what I need to do to shape my body and lose weight. That's just the bonus.)
Anyway, I am strongly against low calorie and low fat diets because if you do the research you'll see that most people cannot maintain such a lifestyle and end up yo-yoing from the damage it does to their metabolism. Research supports that a low carb diet (whose macros are highest in fat, moderate in protein, and lowest in carbs) and up very satisfied and the metabolic advantage of ketosis does the work for them. One can say this lifestyle is challenging, but if you are prepared for those challenges (with low carb alternatives) you can easily maintain that lifestyle).
As for the depression, both your choice of food/diet and inclusion of exercise can manage that. For me personally, my depression ended 2 months into my routine. And because I now know how to naturally control it, a) I maintain my routine and b) would never not do it.
Lastly, remember the journey is slow. 1/2lb to 2lbs a week and not even weekly. It will take time. Just find a way to Live the Life and not focus on "Oh My God, I Need To Lose WEight!" Living it will result in that and you'll be less controlled by anger at your weight.
Just some thoughts. Good luck in your journey.
Some quick reactions to your post. You have a lot of resentment at people, and while they may have done you wrong, it's not only time to let that go, but time to learn how to a) have better discernment, b) not let it get to you when things go wrong, c) take responsibility for your role (even if it's being vulnerable to the wrong person), and d) not let emotion then get in the way of things.
In addition, I didn't see a big focus on doing this for yourself when you were in good habits. I think the mindset of treating yourself "beautifully" should be a permanent choice. ANd I think it will trickle down into other aspects of your life. Eat healthy, move, feel good about yourself because you deserve it, not because you're trying to accomplish something.
I started my journey at 320 and have lost around 60lbs. THe above is a transition I also made for myself.
The other thing I notice is a dependence on the exercise or "the diet" to accomplish this for you. I may be odd man out, but I feel you should create a lifestyle that delivers health from movement and eating that you can maintain. So for instance, I'm a firm believer in the low carb way of eating (I do Atkins) because you eat enough calories (most eat 2000/day) and don't "have to" rely on exercise...simply do it because you like it. (Before the peanut gallery chimes in since I'm an exercise aholic, I do it because I love it, not because it's what I need to do to shape my body and lose weight. That's just the bonus.)
Anyway, I am strongly against low calorie and low fat diets because if you do the research you'll see that most people cannot maintain such a lifestyle and end up yo-yoing from the damage it does to their metabolism. Research supports that a low carb diet (whose macros are highest in fat, moderate in protein, and lowest in carbs) and up very satisfied and the metabolic advantage of ketosis does the work for them. One can say this lifestyle is challenging, but if you are prepared for those challenges (with low carb alternatives) you can easily maintain that lifestyle).
As for the depression, both your choice of food/diet and inclusion of exercise can manage that. For me personally, my depression ended 2 months into my routine. And because I now know how to naturally control it, a) I maintain my routine and b) would never not do it.
Lastly, remember the journey is slow. 1/2lb to 2lbs a week and not even weekly. It will take time. Just find a way to Live the Life and not focus on "Oh My God, I Need To Lose WEight!" Living it will result in that and you'll be less controlled by anger at your weight.
Just some thoughts. Good luck in your journey.
Geeze Jstar, I hope you are OK after you just got through beating the crap outta yasself!
It sounds like you know the drill about diet and exercising. Stick around and listen to what the other successful folks are doing and see which program you think might work for you.
My main concern is your dislike for yourself and calling yourself a monster. Dieting and exercise is hard work and putting in the hard work for a monster just isn't going to happen. My prayer for you is that you can come to see yourself as the person you are in your heart...the real you, not the person you've defined as a number on a scale. You need to love and nurture the real you and once you've learned to care for that person, then it becomes worth it to you to put in the hard work.
I understand wanting to get the weight off quick and the fastest and safest way I know for that is Atkins. But it's not easy and you're going to have to put in the time, but it's certainly doable for you to be in shape for your wedding.
Best wishes and remember to hug yasself!
Mary
It sounds like you know the drill about diet and exercising. Stick around and listen to what the other successful folks are doing and see which program you think might work for you.
My main concern is your dislike for yourself and calling yourself a monster. Dieting and exercise is hard work and putting in the hard work for a monster just isn't going to happen. My prayer for you is that you can come to see yourself as the person you are in your heart...the real you, not the person you've defined as a number on a scale. You need to love and nurture the real you and once you've learned to care for that person, then it becomes worth it to you to put in the hard work.
I understand wanting to get the weight off quick and the fastest and safest way I know for that is Atkins. But it's not easy and you're going to have to put in the time, but it's certainly doable for you to be in shape for your wedding.
Best wishes and remember to hug yasself!
Mary
Hi J!!!!! Similar? Except for mentioning anything about an early life eating disorder, YOU could be ME!
230 something is my highest weight ever, and two years ago, I was creeping back up - got up to 225. And like you, did not feel like I was blowing my food - had really good choices in fact.
You and I are relative lightweights - bmi's at 37-38 are what some folks here aspire to. I decided to strap up my boots and get serious, get humble, and research about why my body was acting like that.
Welcome...you are in the right place!
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." ~Mark Twain
hi there...never feel badly about venting...I am new to this site but not new to weight issues since I'm an emotional eater and have tried everything under the sun including researching WLS...my best friend had gastric and although she is losing she seems to always be sad as she can't seem to eat anything, even fruit or bread...I know it takes time to mourn what you can't have any longer....but it really kicked my butt in gear to try to make peace with food. And try to figure out how to live life in moderation...its a struggle if you're a food addict...and there is nothing wrong with that either...dont beat yourself up. Everyone has to find their own way.....what works for one may not work for others. I tried Atkins for a year...lost about 70...but it totally ruined my metobolism...I got weak and sick and ended up in the hospital...my PCP forbid me to ever try that severe a diet again.... but it can work for others...it was the worst decision for me. I now do Jenny Craig (yeah I know some people might laugh at that) and on weekends just eat healthy. I have been going to local seminars thinking surgery would be my option...even went to lapband one...but something clicked in my head when a woman said to me that if she took her lapband out she would gain it all back....and I thought...wow....I know surgery is a tool...but if you are so scared you'll gain it back then have you really truly learned anything? I'm not judging..but that statement alone made me come home and just cry thinking....no matter what you do...and yes, opt for surgery....you still have to do the mental work...make peace with food. Unfortunately unlike other addictions....we dont need a drink, or drugs or sex or gambling or any other addictions...to live...but we do need food.
Maybe do what I am trying so hard to do....try to look at all the good things in your life....we all fall back...sometimes we take one step forward and ten back it seems....but with all the energy you use to 'hate yourself' you could be using that same energy to begin a love affair with yourself...dont' count on your fianace or anyone else to do this for you...you are a strong person, just be gentle with yourself...just writing finding this site is helping me slowly...I wish I could give you my qualifying lol cause I more than qualify for surgery and my insurance will pay for it....I just am going to give something else my all and see how that works....I am very happy with following JC(and just learning portion control etc.) for now...I eat delicious food, feel great and have been slowly losing 2-4 pounds a week...when I work with the program. and try to get in 20-30 min. of exercise a day if I can.....even though on weekends I just eat my own creations....salads, chicken, eggs, fruit...and very little cheese or red meat and avoid junk food as much as I can etc. but thats the thing...just experiment with something you feel you can live with...and just give it a go....surgery is a lifesaver for many but it isn't for everyone....use this difficult time to really discover what is right for you...and start to love yourself...trust yourself...that is half the battle....I know!! We're all in this together...I need help/support just as much as you do, so don't feel badly Chin up girl!! Count your blessings and the good things you have ok?
Maybe do what I am trying so hard to do....try to look at all the good things in your life....we all fall back...sometimes we take one step forward and ten back it seems....but with all the energy you use to 'hate yourself' you could be using that same energy to begin a love affair with yourself...dont' count on your fianace or anyone else to do this for you...you are a strong person, just be gentle with yourself...just writing finding this site is helping me slowly...I wish I could give you my qualifying lol cause I more than qualify for surgery and my insurance will pay for it....I just am going to give something else my all and see how that works....I am very happy with following JC(and just learning portion control etc.) for now...I eat delicious food, feel great and have been slowly losing 2-4 pounds a week...when I work with the program. and try to get in 20-30 min. of exercise a day if I can.....even though on weekends I just eat my own creations....salads, chicken, eggs, fruit...and very little cheese or red meat and avoid junk food as much as I can etc. but thats the thing...just experiment with something you feel you can live with...and just give it a go....surgery is a lifesaver for many but it isn't for everyone....use this difficult time to really discover what is right for you...and start to love yourself...trust yourself...that is half the battle....I know!! We're all in this together...I need help/support just as much as you do, so don't feel badly Chin up girl!! Count your blessings and the good things you have ok?
I'm glad so many people here are understanding. You know sometimes my fiance comes home and after dinner it is like "what's for dessert" or he wants to pick up some candy to snack on during that long car ride. I told him I can't handle that anymore, even if it isn't that often. I can't handle it. he said "well just because it is there doesn't mean you have to eat it".. but it is the temptation that I don't even want. Thing is he could stand to lose weight too, he's not a small guy at all and he WANTS to lose weight, but he has to be the most difficult person to try and diet with because he has a constant sweet tooth/junk food tooth. I am always trying to hard to make the right decisions with food that I know isn't bad for me. Opting for lower calorie/carb sides with my protiens and getting salad when its an option. It just seems like diet alone does nothing for me and making the time to work out is easier said then done. My work days are at least 11 hours long when you factor in commute time and a 20-30 min workout feels like nothing to me.
My fiance and I are trying to buy a home right now so I'm really hoping moving to a new area and being happy in our own home will be a turn around point that I need. The area we are looking to move to would be great for bike rides and such and we'd have the space to get a treadmill or something so I could do some workouts at home in the evening when I don't really have the time to head out to a gym. I'd much prefer to be doing some aerobics classes because that worked for me in the past, but I simply don't have the time and that's the hardest part :o(
My depression stems from so many years ago. I don't have a mother figure in my life as she basically abandoned me for her drug problem. I am more then blessed to have had a father who was responsible and successful to give me the best life he possibly could, but the emotional scars from the past and the things I saw and went through with my mom was a lot to take on as a young girl. Then I was in an awful car accident when I was 16 and my bestest friend, my most important friend passed away along with her boyfriend. I also spent 3 days in the hospital and a 6+ month total physical recovery time, so I had that on top of my emotional distress. I've been on this emotional rollercoaster ever since, I feel like a piece of me died that day when I lost my best friend, in fact yesterday marked 10 years since the accident, 10 years!!! I can't believe it, it is a hard pill to swallow that I am growing old without her by my side. On top of that right after high school I went through a long 2.5 year abusive relationship, why? because I had no self esteem or self confidence and I let this guy rule my world and treat me like dirt. He put me into a great amount of financial debt and I ended up filing bankruptcy by the time I was 23 just to pull myself out of the whole. And now I am dealing with the repurcussions of that in trying to get the pre-approval for our home loan, it is hard being told no and feeling like I am the holding us back because my fiance has perfect credit.
ugh, I am just under a lot of pressure right now and it is eating away at me :o(
My fiance and I are trying to buy a home right now so I'm really hoping moving to a new area and being happy in our own home will be a turn around point that I need. The area we are looking to move to would be great for bike rides and such and we'd have the space to get a treadmill or something so I could do some workouts at home in the evening when I don't really have the time to head out to a gym. I'd much prefer to be doing some aerobics classes because that worked for me in the past, but I simply don't have the time and that's the hardest part :o(
My depression stems from so many years ago. I don't have a mother figure in my life as she basically abandoned me for her drug problem. I am more then blessed to have had a father who was responsible and successful to give me the best life he possibly could, but the emotional scars from the past and the things I saw and went through with my mom was a lot to take on as a young girl. Then I was in an awful car accident when I was 16 and my bestest friend, my most important friend passed away along with her boyfriend. I also spent 3 days in the hospital and a 6+ month total physical recovery time, so I had that on top of my emotional distress. I've been on this emotional rollercoaster ever since, I feel like a piece of me died that day when I lost my best friend, in fact yesterday marked 10 years since the accident, 10 years!!! I can't believe it, it is a hard pill to swallow that I am growing old without her by my side. On top of that right after high school I went through a long 2.5 year abusive relationship, why? because I had no self esteem or self confidence and I let this guy rule my world and treat me like dirt. He put me into a great amount of financial debt and I ended up filing bankruptcy by the time I was 23 just to pull myself out of the whole. And now I am dealing with the repurcussions of that in trying to get the pre-approval for our home loan, it is hard being told no and feeling like I am the holding us back because my fiance has perfect credit.
ugh, I am just under a lot of pressure right now and it is eating away at me :o(
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