Repost!!!! Do you have a payoff for staying fat????
I do not want to be fat either, consciously. But when I see...and less often nowadays as before...most of my adult life...i would choose food in amounts and types that I knew were going to be the death of me. Over and over again.
I agree with you, 180 for you was normal...if they had only left you alone!
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." ~Mark Twain
on 8/20/08 11:01 am - Rochester, NY
I think it all stems from self esteem issues and lack of self confidence growing up. My mother's mantra from as long ago as I can remember was...."If only you would lose weight". I don't remember her ever completing that phrase so I filled in the blanks myself......what, you would love me more, be proud of me then, not be embarassed that I was your daughter? My mother and I have discussed this and she assures me she never meant any of those things (and I tend to believe she never meant to hurt me)....but the damage was done by the PERCEPTIONS of that child (me) who felt unloveable and not worthy of praise or love.
It all sounds rather ridiculous to me too, as I say it.....but I LIVED it and I FELT it everyday growing up and into adulthood. I've lived my life as a people pleaser and a perfectionist and always put myself last. It has only really been the last 10 years that I have started being good to myself and making time for me. The only people in my life that I have felt unconditional love from is my children, grandchildren and the wonderful man who has been in my life for the last three years.....so sad, but true.
Logically, I know I am a worthwhile person, a great friend, a valued employee and have had wonderful relationships in my life.....yet underneath it all I always felt like a fake. I always felt if people knew the REAL me, they wouldn't like me. Everytime I have gone on a "diet" and lost weight, and my mother would comment on it, I'd manage to sabotage it. It's almost like I won't give her the satisfaction of seeing me succeed....don't want her to "win" in this power struggle with my weight that we've had all these years. Now how stupid is that? I'm the one that's losing here (not weight wise)....I know I'm not winning by keeping the weight on.
I'm an intelligent person, have been in therapy over this, realize that I just need to "let go" of these perceptions and still, I truly feel it's a factor in my failure with weight loss. I have often kidded with my friends in talking about this that I'll probably never lose the weight until my mother's gone. I am truly working on this and think I'm making headway. I realize I'm giving my mother all the power in this and I think that's what's changing my thinking. We are both very strong minded individuals and have butted heads over many things in the course of our lives. I'm 61 and she's 83 and I think I've wasted enough time feeling "not worthy".
Wow....this hasn't been easy to share.
Mary on 8/20/08 12:58 pm
Great post Nee!
I've been thinking about this all evening. I think I have approached it and/or dealt with it differently but I think it all stems from the same starting point - lack of self-esteem.
I do think I deserve to be thin...or look good or whatever makes me happy.
I grew up in a family of all thin people; I was the only fat one. My mama was teeny and constantly talked about dieting. I internalized that and thought she was embarrassed by my weight. As I've yo yo'd over the years, I realized that it wasn't really that. She hated herself, not me. When I talk about wanting to be thin, many of my friends hear the same things my mama used to say and respond in the same ways I used to respond to my mama.
My weight is directly tied to my self-esteem (or lack thereof). When I feel good about myself, I look good (and am normal sized). When I feel ****ty about myself, I'm fat. I realize that many overweight people have high self-esteem. I admire people who can be fat and love themselves! I wish I could be that way but never could.
When I take care of myself, I feel good about myself and at those times, it's always a matter of eating healthy and working out. For many years, I thought it was selfish and perhaps it is, but it's what works for me.
I think I feel best about myself when I'm taking care of myself. I am not thin right now but I do have high self-esteem (most of the time). I think I should really try to be thinner but I guess I'm not willing to work hard enough to make it happen. I consider myself normal sized right now. I think my body is at its set point and getting any smaller would involve doing more than I'm willing to do at this point. So, I guess I'll stay here until it's not good enough anymore and then work to get smaller.
I was about six when I started gaining weight. But as I got older I never had anyone lecture me about my weight. I just kept gaining, gaining, and gaining. To me I think i filled up with food to get "love". I was loving myself, and sometimes I wonder if I still do it. I was brought up in a good, but alcoholic home. So I did my own thing, my parents really never did anything with me. So food kept me busy and happy! I continued on to a very bad mentally abusive marriage. So I again went to food for comfort. Food has always been my comfort, the one I could always rely on. It makes me feel good, but of course only while I eat!
Wow Necee..LOL think you just pulled a psychological trick on some of us!!ha I haven't thought about this in years. It would really explain why when I was happiest in my life (divorced and single..lol) I was my thinnest. LOL, don't get me wrong..I love my dh that I got now. But I do still feel a void, that food fills......Interesting!
me, too, Hol! That is getting to be less and less...
At a big turning point for me, I hate and even get panic attacks when I get the least bit over full. I used to seek that feeling.
I've learned to just observe myself when I am hungry and try to only look at the feelings I have during times of hunger. In my case, it is usually overwhelming loneliness...
My childhood too was full of my father's alcoholism and my mothers rage. Like you, both of them were so wrapped up in their own pain, they pretty much blew us off. I realize THAT is where and why I feel terminally lonely.
Mary is right of course, that was then, this is now, but it is hard to get used to feeling the way we feel and stop the cycle of negativity. Remember recently I said our human brains can get addicted to negative things, exactly like we did on drugs - we can crave that negativity! Just knwoing it or suspecting it can help, right???
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." ~Mark Twain
So we're craving negativity? Is that what I'm doing? Well that's just being stupid.ha I think I might have missed that post. Actually that sort of makes sense. But finding out how to overcome that can be pretty hard in it's own. I think it's a lot harder than just realize it's past and get on with your life accordingly. I mean, we're how old?? We're set in ways, old habits are hard to break. Old feelings are hard to let go. So yea...think it gets deeper than "just get on with it" in some cases. That's interesting though, I'll have to think about this one some more.
Oh and as for the panic attacks when your full....I've done that!! If I am having even a "panicky" day, I know that I can NOT get too full other wise I won't be able to breathe.
But I DO nurture that wounded person once in a while - kind of like when your kids wake up screaming and want to get in your bed - you just gently take them back, love on them, but make them stay there.
I need to discipline that wounded person - defining expectations and then doing follow-thru. Not about punishment anymore, but there is a consequence to my choices.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." ~Mark Twain
My reason is strange compared to you guys.
For me, food was reward. My parents used to reward me with food, and I was the perfect child, so I used to get "rewarded" a lot. This led to my obesity.
When I went on my hormonal rollercoaster of getting through my teens, I had a lot of self confidence problems with being fat. So I felt I needed reassurance in any form or fashion. Which led me to food - my form of ribbons, plaques and trophies.
I got old enough to realize that food wasn't something I should be using to make myself feel better about my life. I had realized what I was doing to myself for years. This led me to a major depression. And what does depression make you do? Eat. More fat. Yay me.
My pinnacle was when I hit over 350 and realized that I was an absolute slob. For some strange reason, instead of eating my way through that realization, I decided to fight. Thank god I did.
She laughs when she says it and says I was gesturing with my hands me-me-me me , my sign language for "more".
I also remember having my Aunt Susie, who I loved, laughingly allow me to eat so much pumpkin pie one Thanksgiving that I barfed all night. Pumkin goo all over walls - I cannot hardly eat it to this day. Or smell it.
So....in a sicko sense, food was a reward of sorts.....certainly positive attention.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." ~Mark Twain
