need advise
I am in need of some advise. This week was a bit overloading for me. Unfortunately i am the person in the family who was appointed to "take care" of everyone else
. let me start from the beginning(first let me say it's 3:37 am so you know i can't sleep due to worrying ).My daughter was invited to a hispanic leadership convention on Thursday and she was awarded a scholarship. I am so proud of her .So today at 7pm she is invited to attend a banquet in honor of the winners. At four this pm my best friends daughter is having her birthday party.........for the last four years she has invited me to her daughters birthday and each time my grandmother has taken ill and I am unable to attend. (sometimes I wonder if she thinks I'm lying to her)This year i told myself i was going no matter what! okay so heres where it gets crazy. yesterday morning I received a call from my aunt my grandmother is in the hospital and. I need to be there. She is 80 yrs old ,lives alone started feeling ill and called the ambulance.After a few tests they found 3 blood clots in her veins and needs surgery. So i call my dad ( who lives 3 hours away) and tell him and he says" do what ever you need to do that GIVES you peace of mind. In other words you take care of it!! Keep me updated he says. UGHHHHHH! And to top it off I haven't seen my grandkids in three weeks and they came over last night for a visit and wanted to stay. I COULDN'T SAY NO!HAVE I SAID I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER........BECAUSE FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS! THOSE DIET PILLS AREN'T HELPING AT ALL.
Take a deep breath! Your only one person girl, you can't do it all, and don't think you have too! Your dad sort of put ya on the spot, it sounds a lot like my family on how they put me on the spot. Your seem like a good person, but at the same time can only do so much. Don't let anyone make you feel obligated that you have to do anything. If your friend is a good friend, she will understand if you want to cancel. That will be one thing off your mind. Go for a visit to see your grandmother during the day for a little while, and then take your daughter to her party tomorrow night. Sounds like you might have a house full too since it sounds like your grandkids are there. Don't sweat the party if you feel overwhelmed. If you feel that bad about it tell your friends daughter you will treat her to a movie or something in the next couple of weeks after your grandmother feels better. Just an idea....
Good luck and put that food away! :)
Do you think your grandmother may not make it through her hospital stay, which is why you need to be there? Here's what I think. You have purposed to go to this birthday party for four years, and have had this same kind of thing come up every single time. Maybe it's time you did something for YOU, for a change. It sounds to me like you want to go to the birthday party. Are you also supposed to attend the function with your daughter in the evening? Don't miss that.
The truth of the matter is that your daughter should come before your grandmother when it's possible. I don't know your grandmother, but it only seems right that she would support you cheering your daughter on in her accomplishment. It sounds like a great honor, and shouldn't Mom be there smiling and proud?
You're not the only member of your family, but it sounds like you're the one who says "yes" most often. Maybe, this time, if you stood your ground and said "I will be at the hospital Sunday morning. Today I have a very full day, but I'll call and check on Grandma", someone else would step up to the plate.
Of course, I have no way of knowing if that's true or not. It's just a suggestion. And since you know that this has triggered senseless eating, you should go get some blueberries, organic apples, spinach leaves to eat as "chips", and be drinking water like there's no tomorrow.
What diet pills???????????? Ugh. Go for cayenne pepper, cinnamon, ginsing, ginger - some natural thermogenics like that to get you revved but not chemically compromised.
Off the soapbox for me! I just finished my shake with extra protein because I have a very full day as well, although not as stressful as yours!
Take heart! Angels living on earth can only be in one place at a time. Love those grandkids. They're your future, along with your daughter.
Ruth Shapovalov
Your dear grandmother has other people who can - but won't - go be with her.
You could go be with her, too; however as you say you always seem to be the one who goes. This one time you have a very special opportunity.
Just call your dad and tell him your choice. Never know, he may actually get up and go himself, which would be the most ideal thing to happen. he is her son after all.
Gosh, i hate to hear when others will not help.
I'd maybe stop by and see the grandmother..even if its for an hour..just make an appearance..you can say you were there..and the birthday party since its at 4..stop it drop off a gift "make a appearance" and give yourself time to get to the daughters ceremony at 7..You may not be able to stick around with people for a couple hours...but as least you showed up! I dont know how the drive is to all these places...but maybe its possible to just drop in and say hi and stuff and then go on.
on 8/2/08 4:42 am
This might not be a response that is easy to hear and/or easy to do but here goes......
When I decided that I was the most important person and MY interests were the most important, I began to take care of myself first and my weight dropped and I was happier than I've ever been.
What I've realized over the past several years is that I have to take care of myself first and then I can offer myself to others. It sounds selfish and it probably is but it has worked for my long-term sanity and happiness. I still give to others - monetarily and my time - but I decide when I want to do it. I don't let others decide for me (except for at work since I'm not the CEO ;-)
So, I think you should do what YOU want to do. Everything will work out - either others will get over you not being there or someone else will step in and do what needs to be done.
Best wishes!
Here are some random notes on how i try to conduct myself:
Family: My DD's so appreciate it when i say no to watching kids...they do not want to ever force us to have them over - they know that when our hearts are in it, the kids will have lots more fun. Luckily for me, i was very clear with my girls BEFORE they got preggers that I work - hard - and my weekends/evenings are mine to decide how i spend them.
One of my DD's is more high maintenance - the younger one who married this guy in a drug-induced state both of 'em. Well, as you can imagine, now they have a kid, poor as dirt, and it gets to her so she tries occasionally to suck the life out of me. I make decisions once in a while to just "be" with her, spend time, try not to dish out advice or ***** Other times, I just say, gee sorry to hear things are going roughly and stay the hell away from her. But when i am with her, I am fully present and know that I choose to be there. Thank God most of the time she is funny & fun & kind, and we all love to be together.
Work: I am a maniac, and tend to take on more and more. Again, when I say yes, I know that then my job is to do it fully present, not with a heart of resentment.
Great advice, Kimmie. We need to hear it more often. The greatest gift we can be to our kids and "real friends" is to show the Real Us, not some whiny martyr who always take sit on with a heavy heart. How useful is that?
I just have to say I LOVED this. It not only works...but it works for us over weight people also. I know a lot of us get this way from not "loving" ourself, just doing things for others and forget what we need ourself out of life. I know I'm one of them. Years and years eating our life away, while we tend to others because we are the peace makers or the enablers. Little do we realize we ****at ourself literally almost to death because of being so over whelmed or unhappy while we do this! It's all without even realizing what we are doing.
I remember a few years back when I realized this it was such an eye opener. It's like I never ever looked in the mirror at myself before. All the sudden I looked and thought...."wow...where have the years gone, what have I done to myself?". I was always too busy taking care of others I never even noticed what I was doing to my body!!!! I know I was never taught growing up that we need to take care of ourself and be happy before we can take care of others. It's such a shame too.
Right now in life I'm in the middle..my attitude has came a long way to make sure my needs are met and that I'm happy (or try to be). But at the same time I am still the peace maker and enabler to my family....so I can see where Esther is coming from. But wow...just if we realized this when we were younger eh? I'm teaching my kids how to make sure they are happy and independent. Of course it's good to help others, but ya can't forget yourself!!
Love it!
