OT: Feeling guilty

This is sort of personal, but my heart is sinking to my stomach right now and I really need to vent a little to someone.  As a few of you know my mom lives across the street from me.  She is very dependent on myself and my sisters.  She is very needy and doesn't drive which causes problems on occasions.  My sisters husband died a few months ago, and now thinking of moving out of state.  She just informed her last night.  Then my other sister decided to move back to where she came from, which is about 45 minutes away.  Now with my husbands new job we are considering moving also which is where my one sister is at, about an hour away from her.  I told her this a few minutes ago and she didn't take it so well.  She told me that now she is depressed and I could here her voice cracking a bit.  She also threw some stuff at me about my dad (who passed away two years ago), making me sound like I'm the bad guy.  She has always told us that one of these days one of us girls will end up having to take care of her.  Which I know this, but it's not now!  I mean, do I have to live my live around her now?  We have only been married for five years.  This is my husbands first marriage and only 32.  I don't think it's fair to him especially, even though he has been GREAT at putting up with all of this.  I'm just aggrevated that I can't lead my own life.  It's not like she's on her death bed or anything.  Am I being a bad daughter?  Or am I really obligated to stay here (which I hate) to make sure she's taken care of.  She has told me in the past that I'm "it", she can't count on my other sisters for taking care of her. I am the baby of the family, which is sort of weird because she doesn't do kids well.  My kids are still young, while my sisters are all out of the house.  Plus my asthma prevents me from going over there much, because she smokes.  But of course I feel obligated, so my lungs literally hurt and in agony for two days after seeing her.   I'm really resenting my whole family for all this.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mother to pieces, I just don't do obligation well, and don't feel like it should be all on my shoulders to take care of her and make sure she gets attention everyday (she does NOTHING with no one but us girls). Now she's playing it like she's going to have to move and not get anything out of her place, etc.  She wants her "old life" back, etc.  I can't fit in my dads shoes! Am I a bad daughter?

Holly, you are not a bad daughter and I totally understand where you are coming from. I live one house away from my mom while my bro is right across the street from here and my other two sisters live 15 and 25 minutes aways from here. Anyway, when something goes wrong, mom won't take her pills, mom gets depressed, mom and dad argue, work sucked, house needs cleaned, groceries need bought etcetera, the call comes to my house. My daughters and I must then pick up and do whatever needs to be done because even tho they work, at home they use their illnesses and injuries to basically bully us into doing their beck and call. I mean my dad is a bus mechanic at a school bus garage but he refuses to do so much at home because he has a fallen arch, needs a hip replacement and has a slipped disc. Mom drives bus yet cannot do things for herself because she can't breathe due to her asthma and she is SMO.  You want to say no but you feel for them and that tugs at your heart strings. Honestly, Holly, I don't know what to tell you because I know I am also going to inherit my parents (already have really) because I have the only husband who tolerates them. My BILs and SIL have no tolerance for my parents at all. All I can say is, "Vent away and do what is right for you and your family." If mom wants to be near you so badly, she, too, will move. Don't let the her bully you. You are young and so was she once. You want to lead and live your own life doing what is best for your family and so did she one day. She has to understand while you want to do what is best for her, you have to put YOUR family first because they can't do it for themselves. She can. I'm here if ya need me. You are not a bad daughter. The fact that you feel so guilty implies just the opposite. You are wonderful daughter concerned for your mother's feelings and well-being. Beth

Yeah, what Beth said!!   I still live at home with my parents, mostly because you have to be a millionaire to live alone on long island, but also because my Mom needs a lot of help.  She has really bad Rhum. Arthritis, and doesn't drive anymore.  Daddy has a buisness and he's there 10 hours a day so it's up to me and my sister to make the house "work".  The pitty parties my mother has drives my sister and I up the wall!  It's so frustrating.  But at the same time, you feel for mommy, because she's not doing so well.   You're a good daughter for feeling any guilt at all about this.  If you felt nothing, and were capable of turning your back on Mommy, then we'd have something to talk about.  But you have to live your own life, Holly.  Like Beth said - if Mommy needs you that bad, she'll move to where you move.

Holly- you are not a bad daughter! you are taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do for yourself and your husband- otherwise, you will be sacrificing your life for your mother- not fair to you and not fair for a mother to ask. I know she must be hurting in many ways, but there are ways for her to find resources to help her, and you AND your sisters could help with that, without stopping your own life. I know this is very painful, sending peace. C

No, you are NOT bad. I am on the other end of the spectrum in my family:  oldest daughter, and I am 2000 miles away from my needy mother. Talk about bad daughter. LOL... Wish I had words of wisdom. I do not. I can only share my feelings on this very delicate subject. That old saying you can pick your nose but not your family has more validity than it may show. Your mother is who she is....accept her or do not. This is where I am in my life. My mom is a handful, like yours, very needy.  Unknown how your mom is, mine is NOT a pleasure to be around for more than like two hours. I WISH i had an excuse like you like asthma to stay away.  LOL.   My mom talks about my dad like he was the best thing to ever happen to her...she treated him like **** when he was here...talk about oil and water...those two never mixed. So, she is not only difficult but delusional. I can hardly stand to talk to her sometimes. Again, i am 2000 miles away and soemtimes that is not far enough. Not only is my dad dead but mom has our retarded sister at home who she takes care of. I know that when push comes to shove, i will take them in if need be.   BUTTT if there is a God in Heaven, and resources allow, first i would help subsidize a closeby apartment rather than move her in. She could like that or lump it, that would be my final offer until i had some kind of gun to my head (like i go broke) and HAVE to take her into our home. I would not allow her to tell me how it is going to be if there are any possible other things we can try first. Nobody wants to move into her kid's home (i prefer to beleive), so it would seem that there could be other things to try first! Girl you and your DH must settle on possible options and agree and do all things before moving her in! If it means a second job for you, hell i would do that before moving her in.  I hate it and try to have a lesson learned on how/what i will expect my kids to do for me. I think it is completely NOT any of our responsibility - perceived duty maybe -  to take care of her. So, to live with my own conscience, i would try many things to help out.

Holly, I know you have expressed the wish to move for a long time now.  Hey...if this new job of your hubby's is reason to do it...GO FOR IT!  You are not a bad daughter for wanting that.  If she doesn't have you and your sisters to rely on, then maybe she will branch out and make some new friends and do more for herself.  If she really needs all of your support....then she will find a way to be nearer to you. You are not doing yourself or your family a favor by letting her stress you out so....and we know where we turn to when we're stressed.  Focus on being good to yourself right now.  Soothe yourself with a long walk, bubble bath, hot shower, hot tea, have your hubby give you a massage, calming music, good book, funny movie, scented candles, prayer, meditation....anything but food! You are not responsible for your mother's happiness.  I don't believe she is disabled, is she?  She may just benefit from all of this.  And no....YOU ARE NOT A BAD DAUGHTER.  In the weeks ahead, try weaning her from so much dependence.  Is there a grocery store that will deliver food?  Is there some means of transportation to take her to MD appts, etc like a LiftLine or Medical Motor Service?  Sometimes communities have FISH (friends in service to the handicapped) that will do these chores.  Check out your community resources....office for the aging etc. In the meantime....we're all hear to listen....vent away.  Will keep you in my prayers and consider yourself hugged!!

and this is true, Sherrie...very good points.  Sometimes, out of anger and desperation, who knows, Holly, your mom may find a whole 'nuther life. Sometimes we indulge peole when they really need a swift kick back to reality.   YOUR little family comes before mom.  The Bible says that, the natural order of life says that. Yes, honor her, by all means, but it does not mean you are to trade your life for hers.