Ok..the big screw up!

Yanno.. I should read LABELS more carefully... Yanno what I started doing in NJ.... putting sugar free canned whipped cream in my coffee with splenda and sugar free french vanilla as a treat... Since I've been back, I've gone off the deep end and today I realized that I used an ENTIRE can of chocolate whipped cream (although >1 carb per serving...there are 35 servings in a can! Ok.. HOW STUPID CAN A PErSON BE?  (don't ask)... All i know is that I've been hooked on it for a week...... no wonder why I'm GAINING weight!!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I went to the gym twice today.... hopefully I worked some of it off. What a jerk... I could have been in onederland by now........................... I really don't have much time to dump this butt..... it's gotta be quick and I don't want to go the starvation route or the  route... been there.. done that. I gotta figure something out and qUICK!

I still think you're lovely.

Dear, Sweet, Janina... Thank you for reading and responding. As you can probably tell... this whole weight loss thing is beginning to drive me nuts.  I don't know where I lost it, but I lost it somewhere and I just have to get it back. I had planned to hit my first goal of 180 by the end of June... and I'm not going to make it which is presenting a couple of issues. I planned on being able to buy clothes without all the major stress by then so I can get a job.  This may not seem like a big deal to most, but less than a year ago, I couldn't walk 20 feet from my sofa to the bathroom, so to me... getting back out in the world is a very big deal... scary, but necessary. It seems that everything I have hoped for is revolving around this weight.. and I've come so far..... but I feel like it may even be some sort of depression setting in which might be holding me back. I don't want my personal situation to have such an effect on my desire to reach my ideal weight (or as close to it as I can).  You KNOW I'm divorced, but still live here in SC with the x.... I'm not quite willing to walk away from the material things I've accumulated in the past 30 years.....................................  and the more discontented I become, the harder it is to maintain my zeal for losing weight. I went to the gym today.. did my cardio, but ditched out 1/2 way into my weight training.... I'm losing the drive. Pep talks are more than welcome here... even desperately needed.  I just feel like everything is falling apart. Thanks for tolerating my rant... I know some of this is TMI, but truly... the best of the TMI is being kept to myself so as not to frighten anyone... (except of course, Neecee.. I don't think I could tell her anything which would shock her... God bless that little woman.) God bless you all for being so kind to me in the past year... I want you to know I appreciate you all more than you know.... without you, I truly wouldn't have anyone to talk to that I could even pray would understand. Thank you! Lori

(((Lor))))0 You're hanging in there.  i loved what Brenda said to you a couple days ago - please do not minimize what you have been doing lately! It is a high stress, high risk deal for lots of reasons known only to you and a select few!  I think you are amazing!  If it wouldn't kill your shoulder, I'd say give yourself a pat on the back! LOL I hold you so close and don't say often enough how much I admire you. You can be a she-ro for all kinds of reasons...and baby, you ARE!

Lori, I can name a couple of reasons for depression and just not feeling like staying in the game right now not the least of which is everything that has been happening with your sister. I don't even pretend to know where you are right now mentally and emotionally but I am positive you are not in the best place you could be or even the place your would like to be. Everything in a nutshell here...STRESS.  Lori, sometimes our focus has to change not because we want it to but because we are required to. This may be one of those times. Listen to your heart. God will tell you what he wants and needs from you. There is a plan. Right now may not offer you much rhyme or reason but believe that God is there for you and will pull you through and in time all will be right and maybe even better than it is now. I love you, Lori. You are an inspiration to so many that don't even understand how hard it is for you somedays to be that guiding light. It's time to shine some of the light on yourself and let us give back to you. ((((((((Lori)))))))) Beth

Lori....You know we are all here for you when you need an encouraging word.  After all, no matter what's going on in your life, you always manage to be positive for us and tell us to hang in there and be kind to ourselves.  I think it's time for you to do the same. I think you need to step back and take a look at the whole picture.  I admit, I'm not aware of your whole situation, but have been listening since December.  You have lost a PHENOMENOL amount of weight since last summer with nothing but sheer determination!  You have gritted your teeth and hung in there through the darkest of moments and have been an inspiration to so many of us on these boards. If you are feeling the depression setting in, I think it's cause you now are feeling the effects of the whole situation with your sister...now that you're back home and not in the midst of it day to day.  When we're as busy as you sounded and totally in the midst of it, it's hard to get perspective...you just get through the day, the moment.  You didn't eat your way through all that pain (don't ask me how...I probably would have) and that is SUCH an accomplishment.  You came home and had actually lost. Just keep doin the do!  Be kind to yourself...give yourself a hug or a pat on the back as Neecee says.  Take some time to just enjoy the peace and beauty of the nature around you and the freedom of being able to get out there and work and sweat that you weren't able to do last year at this time.  I know you set goals and a timeline for yourself, but celebrate the journey and if it takes a little longer for your body to get used to this weight before it moves on to losing more....so be it. God has a plan for you.  He loves you (as do we).....time to make room for loving yourself. Hugs and blessings....Sherrie

I'm kinda dark anyway.... always been somewhat melancholy......   yanno. My faith is just sliding away from me. At least losing weight gave me a feeling of accomplishment.. now I'm going in the opposite direction and feeling failure all over again.   I was down to 203... 203..... NOW.. this morning.. back up to 212.6... let's just say 213..  It's happening all over again.  I just can't go there again.... I CAN'T BE THERE AGAIN. I can't remember how I lost that weight.....  all in all I was down just about 125 lbs from my worst weight...now.... I'm heading back up.  God, I hate myself. There's a lot going on besides what happened to my sister....  but I feel like there's nothing I can do about any of it.  I live in the most beautiful place I've ever lived.. but it's lonely.  I need to work.. but I'm scared to even TRY to buy clothes... I CANNOT BELIEVE how badly it bothers me to try to buy clothing.  I usually leave a store with nothing while holding back the tears. I want to keep doing the do but I forgot what the do is.   I just feel like crap... I'm very sorry to be such a downer......  I am...

I'm sorry you are feeling so alone, but you aren't you know.  Your faith isn't sliding away....it's there as strong as ever....you're just having a hard time feeling it right now.  Don't underestimate the power of prayer, Lori.  Maybe all you can do right now is Let go...Let God! I'm sure you're familiar with the following...I've always found it very comforting in hard times.   

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you."

I can be this way, too...downer at heart.  I think it's an italian thang. It's kind of like that we will not allow ourselves to really enjoy much in life. I am openly blaming this aspect of myself on my Italian mother!  LOL. When times are high, we harbor some sort of guilt or anticiaption on the next BAD thing to come down our way. When times are low, we're like I knew it! Here it is....told ya so. I really really hate this part of myself and am trying so hard to change my 'tude. First off, do try to love your body...funny this would come from me...who has much the same feeling on my own body.  I know now that change comes from a deep belief that the future will bring wonders and joy, and yes, troubles, but nothing that we will not be able to handle with God's guidance and strength!  Please join me today in seeing the beauty in our lives, being grateful and believing that we can build on this beauty that does exist. Take it easy, Lor...just another rough spot.

I feel ya..  so much of what you're saying.. right from the Italian guilt thing to just waiting for the axe to fall. It's been a bad day... I'm trying to function.  I bought some more perennials and put them in, trimmed down the gardens, futzed with the veggie garden.... even put in one of those 12 x 3.5 inflatable pools so I have something to cool down in (it came out lopsided... don't take offense anyone.. but it looks like a giant vagina).  Who cares...  the water is cool. I didn't go to the gym.. no way....   cut some gladiola for the kitchen vase.... I dunno....  THEN I got on the scale just a little bit ago.... check it out... now up to 214....  I CANNOT TAKE THIS!   I don't know what to do .... I dunno... I went to the supermarket after home depot and bought some thin delmonicos and chicken thighs and stuff and I'm gonna try.. TRY to cut to 3 cups of coffee a day and do just meat and eggs and see what happens. I appreciate everyone's wise words....I really do.  To be honest, there's no one to talk to around here... I feel like I'm just bouncing off the walls with these bad feelings.. and they keep smacking me back in the head. I guess we'll see what happens.. but I'm telling ya, if I wake up at 215 tomorrow, I'm gonna totally lose it... I'VE WORKED TOO DAMNED HARD AND HAVE COME TOO FAR to allow this to happen.  :(