just felt like posting...sorting things out.

Turning 40 today has been making me think of my life a lot this past month, and especially this past week.  I've been recalling how many times I've said ...tomorrow...or Monday....or next week....or after this ice cream.....or after this meal.  When does it stop?  Well I know when it stops, but do we just not think of how long we really have to live?  I swear some times I think I'll live forever.  Hell I tell my family I'm going to live forever ALL the time.  I'm not one who is looking forward to getting older, and literally scared of dying.  So....This might sound a little odd...but I'm wondering that since I say it all the time that I'm going to live forever, and that I don't face the fact that one day that I will actually die, that I use this excuse to eat!  If I eat it's okay, because I'm going to live forever.  The diet can wait until next week because I'm never going to die.  Make sense?   I am REALLY bad at putting this off, just like some of you have been talking about sabotaging ourself.  The past two days I've eaten until I felt like my stomachs going to blow up.  I ate until I'm in pain, very uncomfortable.  Just because it tastes good!  Doesn't living for a long time taste good too?  You would think so. I need to get the taste of being healthy and like it once again.   I think I have to get it in my head that  this is killing me slowly, but surely.  I know it, but I'm not facing it.  Tonight I looked at me and my hubby moaning over our stomach aches.  I'm a binger, and when I'm stressed I'll eat myself silly.  I'm so tired of eating more than my kids!  I've been thinking about that lately.  I'm in the kitchen so much more than them.  I'm obssessed whether it be eating healthy or not, I'm obsessed with foods.  The only time I wasn't was when I lost weight before. I'm hoping turning forty is a wake up call for me.  I know that sounds silly to most of you, but you don't know the impact of what this birthday has been on me.  I won't get into it, but it has been a big thing for me.  SOOOOO....I'm thinking it's got to stop.  I'm going to die some time in the future.  But I want it to be the very last second that the Lord will allow.  I want to see my grand babies grow up.  Heck, even though my oldest is almost nineteen, my babies only eight!  It's now or never.  I'm tired, very tired, tired of trying, tired of saying the same thing over and over again.  I'm tired of fighting just to stay at the same weight. It's all or nothing in my mind at this second.  Tired of playing games, and I'm apparently not ready to give up yet or I wouldn't keep trying!   I just realized I suppose to make a doctors appointment in three weeks.  I'm suppose to have lost a measley twelve pounds by then and I haven't.  :(  I'm so upset and disappointed with myself.  Time flies by so fast!! Last time.

Honey, your words brought me to tears.  I am so happy that you decided to take a hold of your life.  Amen to everything you said.  I know you will get great support and words of encouragement here.  We have all been there, are there, don't want to go back there.  I am so excited for you to take this next step.  Let us help you reach your goals!!!  GOOD LUCK with it.  Leah

Oh Holly....I identify with your post SOOO much.  I too was going to have lost the weight by 30, then 40, then 50, THEN 60!  Now here I am at 61, needing a total knee replacement with the doctor refusing to operate until I lose 50lb.  It hurts to walk and I can't frolic with my grandchildren like I want to.  Believe me....mortality is much more real at 61 than it ever has been before.  I too want to see these grandchildren grow up and maybe even be blessed enough to see my great-grandchildren. With all of that said....when it comes right down to putting that "goodie" in my mouth and having that taste for less than 30 seconds, WHY OH WHY DOES THAT CHOICE WIN OUT EVERY TIME?  I've never been able to understand it all of these years.  (I'm hoping this series of psychological group sessions that start next week will help me understand it and learn some new behaviors).  And when I do string a few weeks of healthy eating together and manage to accumulate a decent loss, I seem to sabotage myself and not be able to get below a certain weight (for me 260). Was just thinking last night after reading your birthday post how depressing it was that here I am in my 60's and still haven't accomplished what I've been fighting for my entire adult life.  It's sad, and not only depressing, but also frightening at this age because I fully realize I have compromised my life span. I don't have the answers (needless to say)....but I pray that you will find them NOW and not still be searching for them when you reach my age.  I look back and wish I had attempted WLS when I was young and it wasn't such a risk for me.  I'm not saying that's the answer....but it would have hopefully given me all these years not struggling with this battle.  Oh dear, now I'm getting depressed! Today is a new day for us all.  May we all realize where our priorities lie and find another behavior to replace this emotional eating and food addiction.  I know that is what it is for me.

Holly, please realize that you are ENOUGH.  You are a brilliant woman, loving wife & mother among many other things.  I hear ya, at age 40, it is a time to stop and take inventory. I remember actually, thoroughly accepting my humble job and its contribution, my girls who have grown up to be contributing members to society, et all.   We ALL feel like we "shoulda-woulda-coulda", beleive me. In this high paced worlrd and society, who doesn't???? Rather than focus on what has not been done, focus on the choices you did make and make the most of those. ALWAYS, any one of us can improve, so nothing wrong with that. Just make sure they are attainable goals. Your big kids and their typical teenage angst does not help your mood these days - I know how that feels.  But just wait, they will be in love with you very very soon and the returns on your loving parenting will come to fruition.  As for eating to the point of dreadful fullness, I have done that so many times in my life. All i can share is:  sit quietly by yourself, even write down exactly how you feel when stuffed like that, both physically (bloaty, achy, etc) and spiritually (shame-filled, guilty, angry). You will see, if you don't already that the physical discomfort caused the spiritual discomfort. Accept that you can prevent that horrible feeling of physical discomfort by eating foods in the right portions. Really, I have come to find that the amount of food we pile on our plates is a habit. Get into the habit of filling up one plateful with a correct portion size of whatever supper is.   Eat that, then WAIT. WAIT even if you have to set a timer, like 30 minutes. If you are really hungry at that point, plan for one extra helping of something lower cal - veggies, say. Or ONE bite of everything.  It's a journey, Holly, it really is.

Oh isn't it horrible how you feel after stuffing yourself?  You're oh so miserable and you just want to puke...but you can't for fear of becoming bulimic. I can't tell you how many times I tried jabbing myself in the throat to get some relief but could never seem to get any. I think in the past I felt deprived so when I ended up having something that tasted good I felt I had to gorge myself because I wasn't going to get it again.  I'm not sure what exactly helped me to get past or through all of that but I do know that it has been a long time since I've eaten to the point of pain.  I also know that I was saying a lot of the same things that you are now so I suspect it's when you come to the realization of what you are doing to yourself that change happens. I got to a point where being overstuffed was no longer pleasant. In fact it was quite the opposite and I think you're at that point too.  So don't fret, things are falling into place with you! That's exciting! 

Holly, I have said I was going to lose weight so many times only to turn around and disappoint myself with yet another failed attempt. I, like you, finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It gets so old so fast. My moment of "WTH have I been doing to myself" came when I absolutely knew I could no longer avoid going to the doctor. I wasn't haveing problems but I knew I had three teenage daughters who depend on me and I couldn't not be here for them. I also knew that if I was going to go to the doctor to get healthy, I couldn't not do as he advised otherwise, why bother?  I went in to my initial visit in a state of distress. I was crying, depressed, upset, scared and yet strangely happy that I had finally taken that step. I needed that step. I came home from that visit investigating WLS. I am still learning about the different WLS BUT I also know that it's not what I want until it is an ABSOLUTE last resort. So, I have taken a lot of what I have learned about how WLS patients eat after surgery and employed many many aspects of it. I am not perfect at it and I have days when I come no where close to mimicking their eating styles BUT I'm learning. I would rather learn with my insides intact than to go through the surgery and realize I don't know **** and put weight back on because I was never able to get my eating habits under control. Holly, one day soon, you will reach that point that you say, "The hell with everyone else. I have to do this. I am going to do this. I will do this and I will NEVER turn back." We are with you girl day or night.  You can take from every experience what it has to offer you. And you cannot be defeated if you just keep taking one breath followed by another. (O.W.)

Holly, Happy 40th Birthday... now this is the best time of your life!! there is were you get better... So, now you start the diet and lose what you can for that dr appt. Being upset and disappointed with yourself isnt going to help you now, its got you to you to realize time flies... I also understand what you feel, been there, today I am waiting for surgery Tuesday. I am on the pre op diet. Everywhere you look its about food. I have given up drinking, acoholism does run in my family. I have given up smoking, but I havent been able to give up food. Food is an easier drug to get and one that we have to feed our bodies. One we have to learn to control, not one we can just give up. Society doesnt make it easy, with all the adverizments and the go biggie at Wendys, MCD's, etc. I think we all have had those Mondays, next days of starting the diets and exercise. You are not alone here, there are many people, including me.