OT: friend trouble

Where to start?

Sum it up...

supposedly best friends for 12 years

lives 10 minutes drive away

she's 12 yrs older than me, and tends to boss me about/ criticise me/ make me feel less than good.  Yet I do feel that she is one of those people who just doesn't edit what she says and has in the last few years at least had good intentions even if she came over critical

Now days she keeps telling me I am 'too thin' that I am 'anorexic' and so forth (when I was big she would tell me "big people shouldn't wear ...(whatever I was wearing)", or my personal favourite: "She was REALLY big, nearly as big as you..." and other mean comments about my weight.  Seems I can't please her no matter what I weigh. I on the other hand have NEVER commented about her weight, never ever. 

after my recent lower body lift surgery she didn't call for a (((month))) (my hubby called her to tell her about my blood transfusion/ second unplanned surgery etc) and didn't visit/call me in hospital either.

when I was 5 weeks out from my LBL I met her for a very quick coffee and she told me how I looked too thin now etc etc.  Nevertheless (always the optimist?) I invited her and her kids to MY house for afternoon tea the next day. Even though I was still recovering, I cleaned the house top to bottom then I went shopping and bought her kids presents came home and HOMEBAKED some muffins (white chocolate chip and cranberry from scratch) as any food I bought from the shop wouldn't have been good enough for her or her kids.    ANYWAY after all that effort... SHE DIDN'T show up to my house!  Didn't call!  Then finally at 7.30pm she leaves a phone message saying sorry she couldn't make it as everything was 'chaotic'.  Then a week later she calls and explains she had to go with her 20yr old daughter to buy clothes that afternoon! (Gee... chaos!? I guess a 20yo incapable of buying her own clothes is a disaster)

To top things off she says how about they come this afternoon for afternoon tea? I just said No my kids are sick and I am busy.  Now she hasn't even called back.

I am so OVER her treating me this way.

What to do?

My natural inclination is to AVOID and just keep being 'busy.'  Until she either gets the hint and leaves me alone or asks me what's wrong (my nightmare is confrontation).

My new self is saying FIGHT 'No, Em... confront her... tell her you were hurt by the fact she didn't call or make an effort'. Even then, I am not sure I want to continue the friendship- I am sick of never measuring up to her standards.

I have this strange method with friends... I am extremely loyal, caring, sympathetic, generous of time and self... but once they cross me I cut them off cold.  I do have trust issues, I know... but in this case I wonder if it's worth repairing the friendship anyway since it seems to put me down.

Any words of experience? Thoughts? Ideas on how to handle this?

PM me if you prefer.

Em

People tend to treat you about as well as you require them to, Em. Unless you tell her how you are feeling, you'll continue to get what you're getting, I'm afraid. If you have trouble with the words, perhaps you could send an email or a brief note? Let her know that you value her friendship, but that during this time where you are trying to put your own head together about your health, it's painful to be criticized. Let her know that you'd prepared a tea and that you were upset when she didn't call. Keep the focus on how it makes you feel, not her being "a bad friend."

Em, I totally understand where you are coming from.  I try everything I can with a friend until I feel that they have pushed me to my limit..and then I walk away. If you do see something in this friendship that you think is valuable...then my thought is stand up for yourself...from what you have stated here....one too many times you have allowed her to over step boundaries that "Friends" should not step. It is one thing for a friend to tell you you have spinach in your teeth..its an entirely different matter for someone "bossy" to negate your life.  You are a grown woman and it seems that deep down you DO have a new sense of your own worth. This frightens some people..because if you change..then they will have to change too.and that scares them....but that is THEIR issue. You cannot control your 'friend" or her issues, but you certainly can stand up and say that she has no right to treat you the way she does... If it is a healthy and positive relationship..it will stand this revelation...if its not...then you dont need that in your life.  You are trying to transform not just your body...but your life...have only the most positive nuturing relationships around you..because this journey is hard enough. Good luck!

Em, it's not a hard call.  Step outside yourself and read the post as if someone else wrote it.  This person isn't your friend.  She may be a companion when it suits either of you, but her behavior and words are not friendly.  No support.  Nothing. I have had friendships like this that I walked away from when I realized what they were made of. It's like any break up, it hurts as you grieve over what you thought the relationship was, who you thought the person was.  But this person has shown you what she will give you naturally.  This is her. You can confront her, but I don't think it will change.  This is what she gives without any prompting.  Frankly, it's not good enough. Often when you get stronger in yourself (due to weight loss or other), the people you thought were friends, you discover aren't.  It's a shame, but better to know.

I had a similar issue with a friend of about the same length of time (12-15 years), who I cut loose last year. My issues were not with weight, but very simliar to yours! In my case, I realized that I was not excited to hear her voice, when she left messages for me to call back, i was looking at it like a chore...not exactly being a friend, eh?  I pondered it for a long while, then decided while I was likely not her friend anymore. And she was at least worth more than a series of unreturned phone calls. So, I designed a very short loving note that i hand wrote and mailed to her.  The note to the best of my memory:  "You may have noticed a bit of a gap in our friendship recently; I have self-evaluated and found that i am not the friend that you deserve. Simply put, I need to take a step back.  Please go forward in your life and stay the woman you are. My memories of us as close friends I will hold close and I wish you all the best in life." When I reviewed our "friendship", I realized that i was friends with her out of survial; we were colleagues in the same field and i knew deep down that she was a better friend than enemy. I realized to my own disdain, I did use her! Like your "friend", she was pretty treacherous - i would catch her in lies, inconsistencies AND she would tease me publicly about being stupid/foolish/goofy. She really did always have to put me down somehow.  Actually she treats everyone equally in that way - her own, grown kids do not speak to her! THEY got sick of it all, too. When people hear of her ways, they usually say she has "self esteem issues"; however, what is not typical is that hers is not low, she has the opposite problem:  she really does think she is the It Girl - ego as big as Texas.  Fast forward to now:  i feel relief. I cannot believe i ever put up with her and I am especially glad i did it in love, not anger or hatred.  I do not know if this helps you at all in your case, but i feel better for having tied it all together into words for someone else who puts up with toxic "friends"!!!!!! EDIT:  I have been VERY blessed in the friend arena. True, some groups have fallen by the wayside as we don't have mu*****ommon, like kids, but i have a large circle of old friends who I would lay down my life for. I donot think this is the case with you, but if I were a person who had to let go of a bunch of "friends", i would self examine to see why I attract this to my life!

PS...I am the SAME WAY... if I hit a limit, I am DONE. I do not very often get there, but when I do, I do not look back.  Luckily, I can say I have cut emotional ties only about twice after 8th grade...this friend was one and an ex SIL who I once loved lots at one time is the other. I called her and told her how it was, again as lovingly as I could and not bringing up judgmental statements, just tried to state facts.

Em, I'm pretty much the same way.  Once you have me for a friend, I'll do everything for you.  But once I'm done with the friends behavior, watch out because I'll never talk to them again.  I also don't trust well, that's why I don't have any close friends any more! :)  Women are so mean and disrespectful now a days!  (no offense guys..hehe) In your situation it seems like you've let it run it's course a little too long.  She's use to you being a push over.  She will run you down, walk all over you, and stomp you, while you do nothing.  I think she might be use to it!  You are right, it's time you put an end to it.  I think you basically have two options.  One, ignore it and don't even bother calling her back.  Only accept her calls and invitations if YOU want too.  But I don't think you play this way, so I personally would call her up and just come out and tell her, either that or in an email.  You are both grown ups, and if she can't take it like a grown up, then you will know that it was time for both of you to move on.  I know a lot of friends can say things and not really mean it.  And over the years she might just have gotten caught up with treating you this way without even realizing it.  But I do think it's time you stick up for yourself and tell her how you feel.  There is no need for her to walk on you like that, your too sweet. That is what I would do.  There is NO reason why you should be friends with someone who isn't there for you when YOU need her.  That is not what friends do.  Seems a little one sided to me. Good luck (((Gets behind Em and gives her some back bone))) hehe