Here it goes...

A little embarrassed atm, but I need to get this off my chest, or in writing for "me".  I've been slipping into a little depression the past few days.  Today I slept a lot, still tired but I forced myself out of bed right now because it's almost dinner time.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  The past few days I've been busy with bday parties for this weekend.  Trying to find a job, still with no success.  My back is hurting from my female problems (doc is pretty sure I have adenomyosis), my skin hurts sooo bad because it's so dry and just plain hurts, and now I all the sudden have an abnormal spot ( I have porokeratosis) which I'm thinking GREAT, this is all I need now, more doctor bills.  My leg has been hurting again and it's all just making me in a very depressed and *****y mood.  Today I finally saw my oldest son and I asked him if he was eating at home tonight.  He said he was eating at his girlfriends house again.  Her mom keeps having him eat over there, she likes him.  I know this is a good thing, and they are very good Christian people.  But it just all the sudden made me feel like I''m not wanted or needed anymore.  This is my first born, 18 years old, and I think I might be having a hard time with him leaving home so to speak.  I've just been very depressed!  No, and I can't get on depressants because of my legs. I honestly don't think I need them either, I just get in these ruts occasionally.  I'm one that usually everyone depends on, or the "sane" one.   I just got to work through it. So on top of feeling old, miserable, and fat because I can't seem to accomplish anything lately, I've went on  a binge.  This is what I was afraid of going on SB.  I can't seem to handle plans that totally take certain foods away.  I was hoping, wishing for the best, but it just didn't work.  Last week I splurged on one dinner and it's been downhill ever since.  The past 24 hours I've been on a secret binge.  I've had a gallon of ice cream, McDonalds, Taco Bell, more ice cream, and a large amount of buttered popcorn (which I never seem to eat).   Now I just ate a piece of buttered bread just because well.....it's now allowed on SB and since I'm on a binge I'm reaching out for anything I can't have.  I'm afraid to tell my husband.  I'm tired of him seeing me fail.  Tired of having my kids see me fail.  Tired of crying today.  I almost didn't post this because don't want a pity party, I know I've done wrong.  I just need to get out of my rut, so I guess I need to make myself accountable for it.  It's just really, really, REALLY ******g me off.  Why can't I figure this out??   I'm getting very frusturated. 

I'm not going to weigh in on the child thing because I can't relate, and I am not one to just say something to say something..... As you know, I am totally struggling with the eating too.  Anything I could say you have probably already said to yourself, so I just wanted to send you these.... ((((HOLLY))))

Iam sorry you are feeling so down...  Iam sure the feelings with your son are hitting you quite alot.  It will take time to adjust...As for the binge, and SB diet...Well, you might think this is a little off...BUTT, I've been watching that new show "I can make you thin".  He has some good ideas, and I bring it up only cause you said you don't like a plan that restricts things.  On the 1st of "I can make you thin" he talked about eating anything you want, but STOP when you are full.  I don't think he meant ice cream, maybe "meals"?  Maybe check out his website, see if you can use any of it?  This is just all such a struggle for us, and may always be....Chin up girl, you can do this

Holly....wondered where you had wandered off to the last couple of days, girl.  First of all....let me congratulate you for being "accountable" on this board (not an easy thing to do).  I think that's a gigantic first step...even if you're eating as you type (LOL).  It's when we get into these funks and let them continue for days/weeks that we are really in trouble. I so totally relate to your feelings about your son.  I had three teenagers in the house (at one time) and had those same feelings when they seemed to always want to be at a boyfriend's/girlfriend's house.  I'm sure they were probably spending just as much time here, but it sure didn't feel that way to MOM!  Normal separation anxiety....they're trying to spread their wings (and isn't that what we want for them?) and we struggle with it so. I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly health wise.  The thought of more doctor bills when you're trying to find a job to help with finances must just feel like another blow.  Just please take care of yourself...don't ignore symptoms you know need some attention. As far as the binge....hey, they happen.  What sucks about them is they just propel that downward spiral of feeling badly about yourself....guilt, failure, etc, etc, etc.  Maybe a plan that deprives you isn't the right plan for you....that may very well be true.  Don't worry about the SB right now....go back to Core (which is basically just SB plus 35 points of "forbidden" foods/week).  Maybe that's what you need right now...not feeling deprived.  JUST STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSELF.  You don't deserve it. You are such a sweet, loving and giving person (very evident from your posts on this board) and you know your hubbie and kids love you no matter what.  Think of this as if someone else on this board wrote the same post....how would you respond to them?  Be kind to yourself, Holly.   Big hugs.....Sherrie

You and I are in the same boat, BIG TIME DEPRESSION!!  I have been so stressed out lately it's unbelieveable.  My husband is going to be laid off his job in the next couple of weeks and it will basically be a permanent lay off.  He'll have a 3 year call back, but his company bought out another company, not a merger, and basically screwed all the people that currently work for them.  We are so pissed off it's unbelievable.  There is a lawsuit going on due to this being a union ship, but I'm not too hopeful of winning.  Definitely not a good time to be looking for a new job. Trying to diet under stress, you must be kidding.  Like most of us, I turn to food to soothe.  I'm trying not to do that, but it's damn hard.  I haven't been posting much either, just don't feel like it.   Sorry for adding to this.  I don't want to bring the people on this board down that are doing well.   As they say, sometimes lifes a BIOTCH! Brenda

Brenda...that sucks, it really does! I hear ya, under stress is the REAL test. Be strong now.

Holly, all of us "old moms" out here in cyberland soooo relate....when the first kid leaves the nest, it is a time to reinvent...and you are at the grief stage of not knowing who YOU are.  YOU don't know how to be anything else but a mom. You MUST learn.  sit quietly and listen deep within of what you really want in life. Stop trying to think about how - the Universe will pick up the intention and open doors for you.  That's where we run into probelms - we dream and then plan, but then limit ourselves on things like money, health, things that we see as barriers.  So we stop before we really give things a chance to play out. I think of myslef wanting to get to college as a young mom.  Junkyass car, no money, worked two jobs...yeah right, going to night classes was going to happen. Well, guess what...i made an appointment with a college counselor - found out about loans, grants, used bailing wire on that car, had neighbors and friends watch the kids, went to classes, found rides to school. I made it. This binge is yet another reminder that you use food in an unhealthy way. I know - i did it too for sooo many years.  here i was, smart lady but somehow, i allowed my choices to be all over the board with food.   You too, you are a very happenin woman...just try to buy more time when you feel upset and out of control with life. MAKE yourself wait it out...and NOT use food when you feel this bad and down. Go out to car, roll up the windows and scream.  go for a walk.  come here. journal on myspace. do your nails.  go to the library and read about letting go or food disorders or humor or crotch novels. ONE TIME, do it that way. Every time you succeed at this makes you stronger.   Will you be perfect, hell no. We are human. (((holly))))) PS:  I too wandered around crying for weeks/months over the girls leaving my nest.  Fast forward to today: I don't miss those damn kids one bit - they would completely cramp my style! LOL. And guess what? they are relieved that i LET them go.

Holly, Life sucks sometimes, it really does.  The kid situation I totally get.  My oldest is 18 as well and he's been living with his dad for the past 4 years.  We have a great relationship but i remember when he moved there and all I could think of was that i was losing him. Myyoungest, who lives with me, has been suffering severe anxiety attacks for the past week.  He has been diagnosed Tourettes, OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  He is spiraling downwards and all I can do is sit and watch...and be there for him. I am here for you too, for whatever it is worth.  One thing concerned me about what you wrote about the food issue and that was the word SECRET.  Hon, it's not a secret from the person that matters the most and that is you.  Secret eating is my most horrible hidden shame and it's going to take a long time to totally conquer it.  Just remember, you can't keep secrets from yourself. You aren't a failure, not for a second. You are so strong and you will get back on the wagon.  It might not be the SB wagon but it will be another wagon. I'm praying for you girl. Donna

Hi Holly, As a follower of South Beach and a sufferer of depression I can relate.  I have had surgery so my binges are restricted by my surgery but I understand your feelings and can relate in that way.  I can tell you that once you really get your body in tune with South beach it really will get better and your carb cravings with subside and I can recommend some supplementation that have been helpful to me to include Amino Acids, Omega three fatty acids, Zinc, and B vitamins.  I wish you well and really hope you don't think of yourself as failing only struggling honey.  We have all been there and I wish you well.  I know you can do this.  It is yet another bump in the road.  Take care.

Hey there Holly! I just popped in here after binging in a BIG way yesterday... I just felt like I totally did NOT CARE. I'm beating myself up to... but in all actuality- we ARE human.  It is unnatural to think we will NOT ever do that... there isn't a "normal" living person around that doesn't do this to some extent. Even the skinniest of folks binge. You know that I have 6 kiddo's and as each of the first three moved out- I spent weeks depressed and in tears. Actually, it was mostly with the first TWO... the third one was going on 20 and it was TIME. Sweetie, it's HARD. They are our BABIES. Even my 32 y/o dd... she is still my precious "baby" to me. When she hurts (which is a LOT these days:( ... I want to be there for her.  We just do NOT stop being MOM when they turn 18.  Try really hard to look at the POSITIVE in this Holly. You might REALLY have to dig to FIND the true positives in your sons not being home as much... but they ARE there.  For one thing... I KNOW how much an 18 y/o boy EATS!!!   You can CUT BACK a little on your food purchases. You can cut back a little on your COOKING, Cleaning etc. Try to seek out the positives in this.  In time you will start getting use to his being gone more and your "grown up" relationship with him will transform and be special at a different level. You will see a new, stronger young man as he comes home. You will see he is maturing in different ways... and the best part. They become so much more CONFIDENT within themselves. I think THAT reflects on a job WELL DONE to us parents. When my oldest dd left home I was so depressed :( When it was the next ones turn... I was REALLY depressed (moved in with a guy that was NOT going to be good for her) But when it was ds turn.... I was really ready.  You start seeing the good in it after awhile and feeling the PEACE as they make the transition. My ds Rob did like yours is doing. He became VERY close to his gf family. There were things that really *pinched* my heart at times. Made me feel I was "2nd place" of sort. BUT, the relationship with them is FAR different than with me. Funny thing is- after the gf was out of the picture- ds is STILL good friends with her family! They actually hired him to work in their company etc.  I started feeling PROUD they like him so much! PROUD that they thought enough of him to employ him. Their personality, work ethics etc., that all reflects on how WE brought them up. BE PROUD they see so much in your son that they WANT him there with them. You are truly NOT loosing him Holly. Don't ever feel embarrassed to come and post when you need support Holly. Times can be tough and we are all here for you! Hang in there my friend... our days are getting longer and we ARE going to see some SUNSHINE!!!