What to do if food is your happiness?

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies and sincere advice and support, I truly appreciate it and did not expect it!

My children have definitely kept me going to this point. They are my reason for living. Without them, I would not be here and I know that. I know that if anything, they will always unconditionally love me when no one else does, so for that I am thankful.

I have a work-at-home job and do work full time and manage that. It's not easy but I do it. I've tried to get daycare assistance so I can get a break during the day but the state says I make too much. That said, its not enough to cover the cost of 2 kids in daycare either! So I am sorta in this position for now.

I've noticed I have more energy at night and am sort of a night owl. It's like a circadian thing, I dont know. I wish I knew how to correct that.

As for the depression, weaning off of the Seroquel I was on (which causes massive weight gain) has helped lessen it the past couple of days. I'm wondering if it made me MORE depressed. But the psychiatrist wants me to continue taking Zyprexa (one that causes massive weight gain and diabetes****il I see her again. Plus Im on Paxil and have been since I was 17. Im almost 31. I definitely attribute a lot of my food cravings and wt gain to these meds, too.

I know no one can change anything but me and its up to me. I know I need more support. I need more energy. I guess thats why my hopes for surgery are so high but in the meantime while I get myself together, I dont want to keep gaining either. I want to make changes.

My whole life I have told my primary doctor I was concerned with my weight and she would say "oh no, honey, you have too much going on right now. We need to deal with the mental stuff first." And she was right. But that went on for 20 years and now here I am, almost 300 lbs. and no better. It's just frustrating.

Sorry to have gone on and on in this post. lol

What kind of job do you have? Are you able to hire a babysitter for a few hours a week or a teenager to come in and play at the house with the kids for a couple hours a week?  I am really glad to hear you are taking meds and talking to a psych. In answer to your concern, YES, some antidepressants can cause worse depression problems in some people. Discuss this with your psych. It is a highly important subject because some people have committed suicide as a result. Amy, as far as the weight loss, I agree you should make small manageable changes so that you don't become overwhelmed and further depressed because of it. Make a list of changes you would like to make, then pick a couple and focus on them. When you succeed at those, choose a couple more.  You can do this but you have to make a conscious effort and I know you know this. Every change you make for the better of yourself is a positive change for your family.  Come back and keep talking to us. We're here to help but don't be surprised if we speak our minds from time to time. That's what friends are for, right? Hugs to you and the girls, Amy. Beth

Hey Girl,  You need to keep on track with  your providers.  If you are not in therapy (in addition to the meds) you should do that, as well as support groups & other ways of reaching out to people who can share your experiences and help you in figuring out your life (good first step posting here).  Zyprexa isn't an antidepressant; it helps with keeping your thoughts on track, and you SHOULD NOT stop taking this on your own - if your psychiatrist thinks you need this, please consider why or talk with him/her about it -- you can make things worse if you take control of your treatment in impulsive ways.  It's a partnership, and your providers have expertise in helping people like you - if you don't feel collaborative and as though you trust them, you can transfer, but you need that professional input.

The weight sounds like a symptom, not the problem -- as you work on all your sadness, bereavement, financial, and parenting issues, it will help you lose it; exercise would treat both the depression and the weight, and dieting or WLS if you opt for that may be an additional tool.  Stop running from the pain, feel your feelings, feel the love that is around you, and take the help that's offered.   Good luck, and you are in my prayers. --Sarah H.

I realize I'm feeding the loneliness, feeding the isolation, feeding the pain, not myself. I'm glad I have a grasp of the problem at hand, just wish I had a better hold on the solution! lol

I have a cousin who comes and helps clean my house and play with the kids a couple of times a week and I pay her for it. It helps a lot.

I think I have so much going on. The deaths of my mom and sister happened quite awhile ago (2005, 2006) but I'm still grieving I think. My grandmother tells me I need to "get over it" but my mom was 44, my sister was 23 and they both drank themselves to death. I can't just get over that. They were both anorexics and my mom was bulimic too. Those things contributed to their demise. My ex-husband is remarrying less than a year after our divorce and I haven't even really grieved that. I never fully healed from my postpartum depression.

But am I dwelling on the past or trying to heal? It seems like there is such a fine line. Like, am I just overthinking it? There really is nothing I can do now for any of those situations so do I just forget about them and try to move on?

The most painful thing is my oldest daughter, who will be 4 this coming month, asking about her dad all the time.

I would think that you will never get over their deaths, but you will find ways to live with the pain. Your therapist was correct:  you do need to come to grips with your grief. Are there free grief groups at your hospital?  Call them and see??? One thing at a time...she is right.  As for your ex - HIS LOSS, BAYBEE! Don't cry over that bum. For him to leave behind two sweet babies, hey, you will thank his dumass one day. For now, concenetrate on doing very small health changes.  Pick ONE - not  ALL ..it is overwhelming when you feel like you do now! Every time you do one thing for one day, you get stronger and know somehow, you will beat this thing. When you lose, hey, you recall that you are human. can you not drink cokes one day? Can you cook a fresh veggie today? Can you measure out one cup servings and see what it looks like in one of your bowls or plates? (Even if you eat two cups, okay, but know what that looks like. )  Can you not eat fast food for one day? Can you walk to the park and back home after work rather than collapse in front of the tv? For well after you take some baby steps, consider: Interesting that both mom and sister had sickness with eating as you do. Don't feel that is a death sentence - ask...how can you make this right for YOU. Do you want to intentionally do the SAME THING to your sweet babies? Cuz that is what you will do if things do not change. If you read my profile, my bro and sisters all - four of us (one is special needs) have eating disorders. When that all came to light, I tried to use it as a positive...maybe we have genetic issues, maybe we suffered abuse when it came to food...who knows, but all of us to have some form of disordered eating? How odd is that??? It made me realize that I need to be kinder to myself - not to the point of complacency and to feel sorry for poor lil ole me every minute... and therefore eat whatever cuz, what did it matter anyway? ...I learned how to get to the point of realizing that I could accept that perhaps I could do "enough"  to combat weight gain:  exercise regularly, choose wisely, not be afraid to eat good food, learn about different ways to eat food so that I might not feel as hungry, etc.  Would I be perfect? No... Would I get to the magazine girl status?  no - even they are not that picture! Would i, could I be the best I could do each day? Y.E.S. Whisper...so can you, my friend. God is with you.

Aww thanks NeeCee! Yeah I see too that its really interesting how we all had eating problems in one way or another. Another way I looked at it was that my mom and sister had alcohol addictions, and I had a food addiction, that we were all addicts in some way. I always liked to think that I was a success because I didnt end up an alcoholic like my mom but I was watching an episode of Intervention on A&E while eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's and started bawling because I realized I needed my own Intervention because I'm an addict, too! It's really humbling the way things go around and come around and you dont really notice it..... one day the similarities just slap you in the face!

I'll make it. I'm feeling better today. I'm going to work at giving up the Coke first and foremost. It's going to be hard. Very hard. I used to have coke put in my baby bottle! But I'll do it because my kids need a mom.

It's wonderful to read that you are feeling better today!   Ok.. this is kinda a very small thing for me to suggest.. but I gotta! I was a coke fiend.. big time.. I mean... I couldn't get through a day without it.  I'd start by popping open a can just to get that icky, just woke up feeling out of my mouth.. then move to coffee.. back to coke.. on and on... even throughout the night.  I had to kick.. of course....  and was fine for about a year.. then a couple of months ago I was getting serious cravings.  (Yea.. I know.. all this over a coke).  I just couldn't stop thinking about it... and.. I HATE.. I mean DESPISE diet coke. Neecee suggested coke zero.  I did pick it up, begrudgingly.. thinking.. EGADS  I'll have to get used to this crap.. it's so not worth it.  WELL... it was GOOD!  It was so good, that even though I went nuts on it for a week or so, now I feel I can use even the coke zero as a treat.  Getting off the coke made a big difference in my energy level, blood sugar and ps.... that icky, just woke up feeling in my mouth was BECAUSE of the coke I was drinking in the night.   Baaaaaaaaaaaaby steps..