What to do if food is your happiness?

I'm 5'4" and probably around 298. This is my highest weight ever. A lot has happened in the past few years. I lost my mother and sister within 3 months of each other in bad cir****tances. My husband left me with two babies. I've turned to food for happiness. It's sad but I'm in a really really bad depression right now. I've tried multiple medications to the point where the psychiatrists are telling me they don't know what else to do with me besides therapy or shock treatments. No thanks. I've always been depressed but lately it's been severe. I sleep 18 hour days while my children play at my feet. It's miserable.

I want to lose weight, I want to be thin and happy and, for God sakes, not lonely anymore (which I directly attribute to my weight) but honestly, food is the only thing that brings me happiness or puts a smile on my face anymore. The taste of a regular Coke, a piece of pizza, a piece of chocolate, is enough to make me smile when I don't want to. And it's sad, pathetic, but i'm in between a rock and a hard place. Do I keep eating this way for now because if I don't, I may end up suicidal? Or do I go on a diet and feel miserable. Restricting my food has always made me a crabby, unhappy, miserable camper that people hate to be around. Do I want to put my kids thru more misery?

I guess I'm just venting. I know I'm in an unhealthy situation. I can barely move, breathe, or play with my kids as it is so the idea of packing on more weight is unbearable. I'm just feeling stuck right now I guess.

Amy, have you considered groups to talk to others like yourself? I mean like bereavement, weight loss, depression, single moms. There are all kinds of groups out there that can help you find peace of mind because 1) You learn you are not alone. 2) You gather insight from others who are in your shoes. 3) Support from those who know your situation. 4) Social interaction.  I know this may not be the answer but if nothing else is helping, then they definitely can't hurt. You have had a lousy road in this life but honey, you little ones need a momma. Not a momma who they can't tell if she cares and loves them or not but a REAL momma *****alizes life must go on and she has to take responsibility and control to make it happen. I'm sorry but I don't think you can get control of your weight until you get control of your life. Your weight is not going to magically make your life better or worse. Only YOU can do that.  My questions to you are: Do you truly WANT to get better? I mean deep down in your soul. What are you willing to do to make it happen? You have to want this heart and soul or it will never happen.  BTW, if you are sleeping 18hrs a day, who is feeding and caring for your children?  I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I have depression and I deal with my mother's depression. I grant you mine is no where near where yours is. It's actually mild in comparison but my mother's get quite severe and I personally think the best thing someone can do for us is to be straight forward and lay it all out on the table. My advice: Get your life together and then worry about your weight.

I have suffered situational depression over losses (death, etc.) and can be prone to melancholy.  With that said, exercise is a great anti-depressant.  Can you take the kids to the Y?  Take some classes and get moving?  It will move your depression and your weight.

Amy... I know nothing about treatment for this disorder.. so I'm going to shoot from the hip.  I will tell you that I've been in and out of bouts of serious depression (or what I think is depression) for a very long time...  so I'm looking at this from my perspective.

I liked a lot of what Beth said.. and if this were me, her words would make me take a step back and take a good look at the situation.  Your children need you.. not a substitute... they need you and I KNOW it's hard to be needed when ya feel so badly (I've been there), but I've also found that when I'm needed, it gives me a HUGE reason to keep going.  Being needed is what brought me to my knees in prayer, being needed brought me up from the lowest spot.  I was tired, and I didn't want to move (and I imagine you feel the same way), but my daughter needed a mother... and even at 21 years old.. she still does.  Knowing she'll be going out into the world on her own soon is what's got my butt in gear.  If she falls.. she'll need ME to pick her up.   If you think you cannot care for them.. you need to call someone for help.  Those children have to be the priority right now.. you have to do what's best for them.. and I think you already know that. Have you taken this to the greatest physician of all.. .God?  He's there... and He loves you... so although you feel lonely.. you definitely aren't alone.  It's hard to see that sometimes.. but it's true.  There's some great FAQ's at www.raptureready.com ..  The thing is.. you have to make the first move  .. and if you've got the energy to type here.. I think you can muster up enough of energy to seek healing. In the interim.. moving as much as you can will help.  Sit outside in the sun and watch your children play...  come out of yourself and look at the colors.. feel the wind.  The first action has to be yours.. for each action, there WILL be a reaction. Pick just ONE thing.. one....  one step.. one task... and do it start to finish.  You are in my prayers Lori

Amy, I read your profile just to get a little better understanding of your situation.  Sounds like you now have a job that will pay for most of the WLS and need six months of diet and exercise prior to get ready for surgery.  I understand your frustration with food being your friend, your happiness, your comfort.  I think we have all been there. Let me tell you that I was in a similar situation at your age.  I was 29 when my first husband died and I had a 2 and 5 year old.  Believe me, if it wasn't for those two little ones, I'm not sure I would have had the will to go on.  But I had two children who needed me and I had no other option....either do you!  You say you have seen a psychiatrist and been on antidepressants.  Have you been in any kind of group/single therapy?  Beth's idea of a bereavement group is a good one.  Do you have any family support at all?  Is there a MOM's club around you at all?  Are you affiliated with a church?  I'm sure your psychiatrist can lead you in the direction of a support group.  Believe me....you are not alone in these feelings.  It helps so much to be with others who are feeling the same....even a parents without partners group is good. I see you have sleep apnea and use a C-pap.  Are you using that now?  Are you on medication for the depression now?  It sometimes takes weeks for an antidepressant to really begin working for you and I think you should continue to work with your psychiatrist regarding this. As for your weight....you know you are feeding your grief and loneliness.  Gaining weight at this point is only going to add to your depression.  I agree that now may not be the best time to "diet", but just take baby steps at this point and set small goals for yourself.  Give up the regular Coke and replace it with diet (or better ye****er or Crystal Light).  Make that your goal for a week....or give up chocolate.  Just set a little goal for yourself and when you have accomplished that one for a week, you'll have something to be proud of and start feeling better about yourself.  Then add another little goal for the next week. The weather is turning nicer....take your kids out for a little walk or to the playground.  Spending some quality time with them will also make you feel better and the fresh air and whatever exercise you can tolerate will help. It must all seem overwhelming at this point....but your focus has to be your children and being there for them; both now and in the future.  You don't have a choice, Amy...they need you. There is a lot of wonderful support here and we will all be there to encourage you along the way.  I don't know if you're a religious/spiritual person at all, but there is definitely something to be said for the power of prayer.  I know I will be praying for you.

You really are in crisis, my lady! Someone has mentioned how the caring for your children is directly affected here. Do you have a social worker?  Tel  him/her - - now!   I know it is hard to say you cannot take care of your children...but how badly would you feel when one of those beautiful girls gets hurt while you sleep?  If you let someone know - now - even a suicide crisis line, your kids may be able to get services provided to them - day care, etc.  while you get the help you need.  I did not expect this kind of magnitude when I opened this post! But to answer your question about when food is your happiness, it can be the path to happiness - the right food in the right portions. It does not have to be restricted - you sound like you need plenty of real, whole food.

I know it seems amazing, but your palate will change when you give it time. You will not want, truly not want crappy foods like cokes, sweets, etc. Honey, do this for your children...and you.  Call someone, anyone and say you cannot do this any more.  God is with you!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. AMEN Amy, live by this and make small changes aas you can and continue to seek help not only for yourself but the girls also. Have faith and in time things will get better and better but you have to be an ACTIVE participant. Things will not change by themselves. Beth

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference Amen"

Praying in agreement

Hi Amy,

First of all (((HUGS)).  And I'm sorry to hear about your mother and sister.  That must be very hard for  you to deal with.

I'm gonna say something a little different than everyone else. You've been through a lot.  It sounds like you've been going through some pretty intense depression.  I've also been there, maybe not to your extent, but I've been in bed for days, and not care about anyone else..or anyone for that fact.  I can easily slip into it if I don't push myself.  

Maybe you should push yourself.  Have you tried that?  I know it took me a long time, but I think I finally realized I had to just suck it up, get out of bed, quit whining, and do something!  Start with little things, take your kids outside to the park.  That will get you some fresh air too.  Clean your house, if your anything like me when I'm depressed my house goes to pot.  GET MOVING!!  Get a job, volunteer, something, to get yourself out of the house and socialize.

I really feel bad for you losing everyone all at once.  My father died and I had a terrible time with it.  I can't even imagine.  So you have GOT to pick yourself up out of the gutter and realize you have kids to take care of.  THEY are depending on you.  Plus you have your whole life ahead of you.  You just got to snap out of it and do something about it.  No one else can.  I know I've been on medications, sure it makes it to where I won't cry, but I still didn't care.  Not sure if that is what your doing to yourself, it sort of seems like it.  Your kids love you, I'm sure others do too.  You need to learn how to love yourself girl!

Sorry for the rant, but I really do think you need to try to get up and clean up and look at the life around you.  There is a big world out there, and your missing it.  Plus your kids NEED you.  Don't let them play while your sleeping.  Wake up and play with them!!  Be careful, you could get your children taken away from you.  I'm sure you don't want that.

Good luck. 

I am just going to type as I think...

Sounds like you use food to repress the negative feelings... the reason it feels good is because for a moment you are 'treating' yourself at a time when nobody else is treating you.

I personally have found that workouts release endorphins- endorphins are the body's natural 'feel good' hormones. If you workout for a short time each day then build up to a longer workout you will help your mood.  Getting outside is also crucial as Vitamin D from the sun helps depression too.  When you have little ones you may have to workout at home when they sleep- and that's OK.

YOU are the very centre of the kid's world.  You literally teach them what life is.  What are you teaching them now?  What do you want them to have in their lives? They will copy you- so start being a role model that they can copy for their best life. Soon, you will make a new best life for yourself too.

When depression is very very bad, you may need to look at life not as 'long term' goals but as 'day to day' goals.  I know this sounds simplistic, but have you tried making a daily routine? If nothing else it sets a pattern that will help you meet the care needs for your children.  Plus you won't have to stress about each day because the day will already be mapped out for you.  Be sure to include 'happy' times- calling/ visiting a friend, going outdoors, reading a magazine or a book- PLAN happiness.

As for food, as a starting point swap your favourite foods for lower calorie treats for now.  Have diet coke, have reduced fat frozen pizza, have a smaller amount of chocolate.  During the rest of the day, eat good whole nourishing foods that are a treat to your health. 

I see you have tried antidepressant medication and it's not working. Perhaps it's time to try a different medication.  It might be worth finding a new psych for a fresh approach. Not all medications work for all people.  Maybe the dose is not right?  Sometimes they combine medications with success.  Have you had bloodworks lately?  Have a Dr check all areas of your health- sometimes depression can be linked to hormonal imbalances, certain diseases, vitamin defficencies and so forth.

Social support is the key here.  Ask for help.  Accept help.  Don't feel guilty for accpeting help, one day someone will need you, and you can return the favour then.  Suicide is NEVER an option when you are a mother.

Anyway... they're my thoughts.  I hope they help or guide you some way.

Em