OT: I'm debating whether to take off for a couple of weeks

... or not.  I can think of a million reasons why I should make like a bee and buzz away for a bit, and a million reasons why I shouldn't leave my routine..  I've been so lonely here and really wanting to go hang with a friend in Iowa for a bit.. and now that the weather is clear I'm starting to think it's more trouble than it's worth.  .. well.. now I broke out in hives just thinking about it.  What the heck is wrong with my brain that I break out in hives over a simple decision.  Yanno.. there was a time that as long as I had a full tank of gas and some cash I would just take off and GO.. and now... I'm like an overgrown fleeb.. scared of my own shadow.  Not only have I lost a bunch of weight.. but I lost my courage somewhere along the line.  I really don't have clothes either and THAT'S bothering me.  I try to buy them, but get home, try 'em on and can't stand how freakin' huge I look so I end up returning them.  Everything I have is for working out at the gym or working in the yard.     I'm covered in hives and just took two benedryl...   45 years old.. when the hell will I finally grow up         

Easiest way to conquer your fear is to face it head on. Go to Iowa and don't pack a thing that way your are forced to shop along the way and since you will be in desperate need of clothes, you won't have the option of returning them. lmao  Lori, truly not a decision I can make for you but I say if you have the ability and it won't cause turmoil at home, GO! God speed and enjoy. Sometimes a break is just what we need to refocus and regenerate.  Let us know what you choose and buy some damn clothes woman! lol

You can think yourself silly, and you know what...it won't change nothin'!  You can wait two more weeks and you'll still  be thinking about it.  If you just go you could have already been back by now! hehe  

It's getting nice out, go enjoy the weather.  Go buy a few outfits for the journey and say adios.   What's the worse that can happen?  You make it a short trip?  So be it, no great loss.  GO, enjoy the weather and your friend.

Have you always been prone to anxiety attacks (that's what this seems like) or is this recent. Are you really afraid of your own shadow?  You?  Lordy, never struck me like you would.  Sounds like the weight loss thus far is more than a little unsettling for you. We are our own worst enemies, Lori.  Be your own advocate!

Having suffered from anxiety in past years, I can promise you one thing:  it is always worse thinking about ______  than actually doing ______.  Just go if that is what you want. I feel that every time we give into fear, it may take a harder longer hold on us.  ON THE OTHER HAND:  I believe this fear/anxiousness may *really*  be more about depression with you, and very likely an unidentified health condition.  It MIGHT be that your anxiety/fear is trying to tell you to get that stuff all figured out before you give into running away from...or to...whatever you perceive is the catalyst or the carrot!  Lori, not to over analyze here, even if this happens on the road: Do take a look at trying to figure out what you may be be running from. It may be time to stop turning your back and start facing hard things. God is with you whatever you decide - you know that.

I guess I'm not sure if I really want to go.. but I know I don't want to stay home.  

Neecee....you alway**** the nail right on the head!  I swear, I can always count on you to tell it like it is and with so much wisdom and compassion.  I just love the advice you give people. Lori...was gonna tell you to get in that Mustang and let the wind blow your hair and enjoy the ride,  Would you be traveling alone?  I always can solve the problems of the world on a nice long ride all by myself.  Maybe a long trip is just what the doctor orderedl....give yourself time to answer some of the hard questions.

I know, right?  She's unfreakingbelievable... and has a way of making her point without making me feel like a fool or passing judgment.   Actually...  after a solid 5 hours of sleep, Neecee's post provoked some serious thought.  It's good I got a shrink appt. today.. I'm going to bring it up.  I realize that I started this scaredy cat thing when my brother died, and it's been getting worse over the last 7 years.   I guess you'd have to really read into this but.. this is how cool it was to have him.  We're from Jersey.. but my brother was a truck driver.. otr.. so he knew his way around.  My nephew calls me one night at 11:00pm when I was living in Florida.  He decided to leave the army and said "come get me".  LOL  So intead of telling the kid to wait....  I tell him "I'll be right there" and dumbass me jumps in the car at 11:30 at night to drive to the base in GA.  By 4:30 am I was so lost and so tired.. but not scared.  I had one of those old 3watt cell phones, and  I called my brother.  He picked up the phone right away.... he was sitting at the table drinking coffee (he always got up way before dawn).  I give him the name of some hick town and two crossroads and without even BLINKING he starts directing me out of there and getting me back to the interstate.  LOL   That was what my whole entire life was like when he was alive..  there was nothing to fear.. ever.  No matter WHAT the mess.. he would get us out of it!  LOL  God, we drove him nuts sometimes. Things are clicking.. something he said to me in his last days.  It was the first thing he said when I walked into that hospital room "Lori, I'm dying, and you're going to have to handle it".  Immediately I fell over crying.. my head on his chest.  He kept saying "don't cry.. don't you cry.. you have to be strong".  I think he knew more than we did how much we depended on him.   Today marks 7 years since he's gone...  I'm as sober as a heart attack and have no mother's little helpers to lean on.....I think it's time to start "handling" it.

omg..such a loss. I am sitting here crying over it, too.  what a cool memorium to his memory.   man life sucks at times...yet, all we have is what we see before us - nothing to do but go forward, sweet one. There are people i have lost I will never get over too, probably most of us have...i try to learn to live with the pain, not wallow. not easy. But your bro is with you (I think anyway) and he would not want you to waste away over him.  You are slowly and surely getting your life back together. Wear your God glasses today and see what your brother sees about you and this world.  It can be much easier than we tend to make it. You do need help right now, ain't no shame in that. You have had a lot going this past several years.  Such a nice post to your brother!  he lives on.

Ok.. I'm gonna permit myself this ONE day of being a blubbering idiot.   I talked about it today.  The shrink has tried to bring it up before but I kept waving it off because it's hard to think of my brother without looking like a complete fool.  I just apologized for the few tears I couldn't control..  Too bad.. so sad.

So I learned today that I'm sarcastic.. and I get angry to hide emotion... so I told him to go boink himself.  NOW I FEEL BETTER!      I'M ONLY KIDDING.. I just thought it.. loudly, like.. mumbled under my breath.  I can't help myself.. I guess I am mean.. oh well.. c'est la vie.  Yanno.. if they can't joke then boink 'em....     (ok.. that's more like me coming out).    PS... replace "boink" with a more appropriate verb.. PS.. he thanks yous guys for doing his legwork!   As do I... Ok...  I'll let ya know where to send the bill...