UNCLE!

Ah.. ok.. I see more clearly what you are saying. I didn't have much of a choice with the psychiatrist.  The policy at this place is that you see the psychiatrist first and he either recommends you for therapy or not.  He was my jumping off point in order for my newly acquired insurance to cover it. 

I'm not "super" depressed... frankly, I think it's mostly weight related and some situational (deaths of loved ones, closing my stores, moving to a new place) things like that.. but I definitely feel that when undertaking such a serious endeavor as losing a massive amount of weight, therapy can be quite beneficial.  I need serious help in the self-esteem arena so I can get back out there and become viable.. this is obvious and I'm trying to be a "responsible" adult by addressing it.  A salesperson cannot afford to lose her confidence.. and mine is swimming around in the Passaic river somewhere.  LOL 

I did not mean to disuade folks who need the medication at all.  Like I said...  I have a sister who is a paranoid schizophrenic w/narcissism and bipolar disorder and I THANK GOD for those meds.  They've given her a life she would have never known otherwise.   This sister says "oh.. all those feelings go away after a month or so".  I don't feel like I have a month or can afford anything which might distract me from my focus of weight loss.  Yea.. I'm obsessed.. better this than something else though!  ;)

God bless you for your thoughtfulness.. and thank you for your response.

 

I would only comment that weight training may not be what your achy breaky self needs right now. I had to stop as well for the same reason - i loved weight training, very much.  did it for 12 years faithfully. I do not have fibro like you, but all the same, my body tends toward achiness too - especially hips and shoulders. Started up about 5 years ago when I was 45. My PCP is not real interested in why at this point. I kind of write it off to working hard physically much of my life - in fields, restaurants, factories, etc. Weight training just aggravated it.  I love yoga and do floor work like push ups, lunges, etc. I am starting up water aerobics soon - next week!  Can you find less stressful exercise?????

You're not going to believe this cause I can hardly believe this.  I wooshed out 5 lbs so far today.  I thought my eyes were deceiving me and put my glasses on even though I had my contacts in to make sure I was reading this correctly. I just don't know any other way than weight training, but you are so right.. my joints can't handle it and instead of adapting and overcoming, I'm fighting it and becoming frustrated.  I may be losing my trainer anyway... then I'll have to lay off cause I'm not fool enough to be doing freeweights by myself.  There are lines that should never be crossed that have recently been crossed and once I'm uncomfortable, it's hard to find that comfort level once again.  I'm a snob when it comes to my training time. They do have a pool, but I feel huge...  I wouldn't want to offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.  Yanno.. I spend my life trying to be obscure..  hanging out in corners.. wear all black.. no bright colors.. nothing to attract attention....  I think a bathing suit at a pool in the gym is just .. lol  not me.  No way.. no can do!  LOL  Wow..  I got a lot in shoulders and hips too.  I pu**** on the treadmill because after being down for sooooooooo long.. walking is like... I dunno... like a decadent bite of Tira Misu.  It feels almost forbidden.. like I'm getting away with something when I get an hour off on that thing. Less stressful.. like .. more cardio?  I could get back to interval on the bike, but I can't swing my left hip fast enough to do interval on the treadmill.  Water aerobics is right up my alley (I think I was a fish in a past life), but I don't have a pool anymore.  I'm lacking motivation.. big time.

They do have a pool, but I feel huge...  I wouldn't want to offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.  Yanno.. I spend my life trying to be obscure..  hanging out in corners.. wear all black.. no bright colors.. nothing to attract attention....  I think a bathing suit at a pool in the gym is just .. lol  not me.  No way.. no can do!  LOL   More tough talk here: This is bull**** and I am calling you out.  No, seriously, it IS. Fact is, yes, you are fat. People might look: people look at anything that's unusual to them. But if you think they are spending more than ten seconds making a cursory glance at your ass, you either have a very inflated ego (which I doubt) or you just care too damn much what other people think. I'm guessing it's number two-- and that sort of convoluted thinking is what keeps you feeling trapped. Understand that-- when you have that "Everyone is gonna look at me" thought, you're sealing your fate, you're robbing yourself, and you are giving other people wayyyyy too much power. If the fact that they might see you is keeping you from what you need to do to increase your heath and mobility, you need to dig down, put your PullUps on, and do it ANYWAY.  At 370, with pocked and divoted thighs and arms that look like swimmmies, and in a 6X swimsuit, I went every day. Did people look at me? Hell, they still do. Make comments? At times. But I decided that those looks and the taunts of thirteen year olds are not going to cost me another day of living, or health, or just the joy of being in water. And over time I found out that not only didn't people look any more, but some found me inspirational, and thought I was strong and courageous. The people who matter always will. So next time you have that thought, throttle yourself, and get your ass out there. Get the hell out of your own way, already!

I appreciate your point.  I even agree!  There's just something in me that knows there's a big difference between being "looked" at and being "laughed" at.  I'm ashamed of myself and I can't subject myself to one iota more of humiliation than I have to take.  That's just the way it is right now.  I'm going to be working on this in a proper setting with a therapist. 

Oh, Lori, you make me smile!  I wish you lived here (or right now with it sleeting and snowing out me there).  You could to to water aerobics with me and feel like Cinderella at the ball!  I don't give a *#*$ what anybody thinks about me in a bathing suit....some hefties within the group anyway.  I am by far the biggest, but heck....I'm there cause it's one of the only forms of exercise I can do with my knees and it feels good.   I'm the kind of person who never wears shorts either....but every September I go to the Jersey shore with my two bestest buddies and lay like a beached whale on that beach soaking up the sun and playing in the waves...varicose veins and all.  You only live once, and I've spent way too much of my life not doing the things I enjoy cause I was too "fat" or people might stare or laugh at me.  Have to include this....it's become my mantra in my "mature" years.

Old Age, I decided, is a   gift.  I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.  Oh, not my body!  I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.  And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.  As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less  critical of myself. I've become my own friend.  I don't chide myself  for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying   that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio.  I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.   I   have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?  I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I  eventually remember the important things..  Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.  A heart never broken is pristine and  sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to  have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.  So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.    As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other  people think.  I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.   So, to answer your question, I  like being old. It has set me free.  I like the person I have become.  I am not going to live forever,   but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could  have been, or worrying about what will be.  And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

 

 

I used to love going down the shore... ah..  now it's you that has ME smiling.  Walking the boards in Seaside... lol     While living in florida... I beached myself quite a bit off season .. the place was deserted.. it was like my own stretch of shoreline. It's some sort of mental sickness, I'm sure of it.. I NEVER feel like Cinderella... always the wicked stepmonster.  I could get all ready to go out.. to the store.. nothing great.... then catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and say "I can't go out in public like this".  Nothing can change my mind either.  My mother was always perfect before she left the door.. her little collars buttoned all the way up, her make up perfect, not a hair out of place.. her little bluejeans ironed to within an inch of their life and her little sneakers polished white as snow.  My sisters are the same way :).  I would imagine they're embarassed to be seen with me for the most part.  Hell.. I'm embarassed to BE me.. so I don't blame them.   One of the twins has always gone to great lengths to make sure she told me how ugly I am and how gorgeous she is.  (wow.. I forgot about that).  I'm sure one day I'll be comfortable in my own skin... this is just NOT the day.   Thank you for indulging my insanity once again...   I've got to examine what I'm putting in my face.. and get the do done.  (bootstraps don't fail me now).

GUUURL get the F%^& ovah yourself!  Those classes are nothing like gyms....which tend to be worse as far as model wannabes and narcissus freaks! Most people have their heads up their own asses so far they cannot see you. I know people in my life like you and it blows me away. One girlfriend had a body, I'm dead serious,..like a playboy pin up...and would not walk across the room nekkid with her hubby!  The twins sound errrr, NOT charming...if they are so hard up to have to make you feel like **** wow. I would not give those two the time of day.  Its time to live, my dear friend. However you get there...LIVE.

I'm workin' on it.... I'm dancin' as fast as I can. 

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and **** you off royally-- ya ready? You should be crying uncle, at this point.  You eat less than I-- a post-operative RNY patient-- do. And sugar, that's not enough for ANY humans. So more than likely, your body, which is literally starving to death, is trying to help you by becoming hyper-efficient, and squeezing fuel economy out of every egg. I eat 850 calories a day, and can tell you, that's MUCH less than anyone should ever attempt (I also malabsorb 30% of the fat in that, so the actualy number is even lower.) I also, however, take 25 nutritional supplements a day, have monitored blood labs every couple of months, and don't exercise as vigorously (because frankly, I don't have the energy to.) You remind me of my Sig Ot. He doesn't have insurance that will cover RNY, so he is dieting, has been since March of last year. He started on 1800 calories a day, lost 50 pounds, and now has lost literally nothing since September. He takes diuretics and blood pressure medicines, and I suspect those aren't helping. But he also eats 1500 calories many days, and rides his exercise bike into teh ground, and sees no response, and gets despondant. Hard not to. And I think the reason he is unable to lose more iis that like you, his body has adapted and become hyper-efficient: a real danger of undereating. Do not be self injurious. Get in at least 1000 calories a day. Try to make at least 40% of that protein. (70g or more, we're told.) And if that doesn't work, play around, but don't go below that.  But please, stop beating the crap out of yourself. It's more injurious than obesity could ever be.