Going back to the doc

I am like just sitting here...need to get back on a serious track. So I am back to the bariatric doc tomorrow - mainly for the weigh ins and pep talks here in 3D. I don't think i am gaining, but certainly not losing any more. I want to make the most of what I've doen so far! I have been feeling bloaty, yet clothes still fit well.  Somebody who loves me said she wondered if that feeling is not my "old self" trying to re-emerge.  I know that sounds hippie dippy, but it made me stop in my tracks and realize that maybe I AM hanging onto my old fat self. I try to trust myself to not regain, but deep down i don't. The scale has let me down so many times, and i don't want to mire down in that feeling of never *getting there*  I want powerful feelings to overcome! It's time to let my fatchick side go mentally. Do you guys do this - label yourself as a failure deep down or at least not working it to your fullest benefit?

 "Do you guys do this - label yourself as a failure deep down or at least not working it to your fullest benefit?" I'm doing it now in a big way, but not about losing wgt and getting healthy :(

(((jean)))  Sometimes the most clear view is from the bottom! No way to go but UP!

I still am fat, no getting around t hat, but I still see myself as more fat than I am.  I keep taking the wide security gate when I don't need to but don't want to worry erroneously that I can't squeeze through. But I will say, the gym stuff has otherwise created a confidence in me that counters the label.  The other day I was training with someone else and she said, "Damn you are strong, I can't lift that" and she's a competitive bodybuilder! Anyway, find your strengths, build your confidence, and let the fat girl go....

I def. struggle with the failure thing.  There are  lots of good days where I am proud of myself, but there are bad days where I ask myself, "why are you trying so hard -- it didn't work in the past, why is it going to work now?"  I try to push those feelings out of my mind but they are always there.  I think after you've tried and failed so many times in the past, it's hard to believe you really can change your life for the good THIS time. I think there is some truth to the fact that we DO hold on to the fat self.  I think it does get somewhat easier in time, but of course, it will always be something you fight with. I think if you feel that it's time to head back to the doctor to discuss some of this and re-evaluate than that's a great step.  How many times in the past did you give up when the weight slowed?  I know I have.  So I think your planning to go back shows that you have changed your thinking and approach drastically...

yes, i have, Jenn! I do give up - have given up I mean - lol - see there...not changed yet in my mind....that would be the Old Me. I'm new. In fact, this point in my loss - ~180-185 is the lowest I have *let* myself be. I imagine for some of you with a lot more to lose, this sounds petty, but remember I am only 64 inches tall, so 180 is hardly tiny.  I think part of this is psychological, it's like I will not allow myself to work harder for the final push.  i would love to be 160.  Old Speak:  I cannot New Speak:  I CAN & WILL

I battle all the time. I binged yesterday (1/2 bag chocolate chips) and afterwards I felt mad because I let my "fat self" win! This is what my "fat self" says...Why am I not good enough as I am? Why am I not pretty enough because I'm not a size 8? Why am I conforming to society's view of "pretty". Why am I'm losing all this weight to be accepted/liked. "Fat self" says be happy with who you are. It's okay that you're fat. Be happy and eat what you want. I AM NOT HAPPY BEING FAT!  I hate that I have to battle with myself everyday about this.  I do not want to be fat and it's not about looking hot. It's about being able to run with my kids, not being a sweaty pig in the summer, being able to fit in the rides at the fair, not looking around the room to see if I'm the fattest person there. I hope in the end I win and not my "fat self".

oooo i like that...fat self trying to one up me..... Thanks...i will keep that in mind. My prob is I am not *that fat* anymore, so could go indefinitely like this if I do not make a firm directional decision. I also get complacent - I AM 50 - so there is not that much about being hot anymore...sure I want to look good, but I am already presentable and clean.  let's work on not hoping...let's DEW IT!

I'm also awful about comparing myself to others.  Being in a room and looking at others and comparing myself....comparing myself to family and friends. Goes back to that saying, "Dear god, if you can't make me skinny, make all my friends fat." Yeah......totally get that.....   not that I would wi**** on anyone, but it is a huge slap at the ego to constantly compare yourself to others. I try to remind myself that even if I lost all the weight I wanted to, there would probably be SOMETHING else I would compare myself to someone else over -- if not weight....something else, right?

Since I'm still fat.. my "fat self" is still very much a part of my being.  I often wonder if there's something more I could be doing to improve the rate of loss or at least to lessen the physical pain.

Today I hit 222 and change, and although that's a far cry from 315...  I still watch where I sit in fear I'll break a chair.  While walking on the treadmill in the gym, I take out one of the headphones so I can check to see if I'm making a lot of noise while trying to walk.  I listen for my breathing (if I can hear it.. everyone can).  I'm continually pulling down on my shirts to cover as much as possible... and the worst of it.. I put my head down instead of looking forward.  THIS is the "fat self" I've come to loathe.  I walk with my head down .. even on the treadmill... as if I'm not WORTHY to look around like everyone else.. or rather.. in fear someone will look at me.  If I don't see them looking.. I won't quit. 

There's nothing more powerful than the perceptions we have of ourselves and our fat selves tell us so many lies.  There's no comfort in that mentality.. only anguish.  This is easier said than done... but I'm going to say it to you...

LET HER GO, Neecee....  she's not part of who you are.. just a faint reminder of someone you used to know.  Yanno what I mean?