OT: My teammates

So, here are my thoughts on the Challenge.  It's now been 4 of the 8 weeks.  Tomorrow we'll do an assessment and hopefully I will have lost more (expecting 1 1/2 lbs) and kept off the bodyfat loss.  I still very strongly am disappointed in the challenge of it for me, that I felt we worked just a little harder one on one than as a group.  I remain eager to win the top prize so I can get 20 sessions and continue training with a "financial break" for a while.

Here's the thing, it totally has weakened the rapport with my trainer and emotionally left me hurt.  I feel like I am in high school and I'm the one no one feels is really a part of the group.  Today rather clarified that for me.  No matter how much I cheer on my teammates or try to encourage them, no matter how positive I am with them, it feels like I don't fit.  They all live close to each other (15m) and I'm the one who lives an hour away.  And so they get together for evening classes (yoga) that I can't possibly do due to my work and commuting schedule.  This has allowed them to bond and communicate.  Today there were several "we have decided" but I wasn't part of that we...and I'm the one who got the group together. "We" have decided that we will continue in group training with him.  I wasn't asked. "We" have decided to bring dinner to the injured teammate.  I wasn't a part of that conversation. They all even have a rapport with my trainer that is light and airy, and he laughs and chats, and me he has stopped doing that with. I talked with him today about seeing if there's a way I can do my 1-1 and add in 1 group training session and besides feeling it's overtraining for me, he already had discussed this with them and set a schedule.  (I've begged him not to let anyone take away my regular 1-1 schedule and I hope he doesn't.) I'm just still feeling unhappy with this.  It's a little bit about the changed rapport with my trainer.  LVS kind of gets this--it's important to have a comfortable rapport--and we sooo did, and now, it feels different, like I am a bother, like I'm less important. And the issue with the group feels like high school and I'm the started the group but others don't see as a player.   I've tried to figure out what I've done to contirbute to this, what I can do to change it.  When I see it, it hurts me to my core--I feel so unaccepted and not valued. When I had my confrontation last week with my trainer, it was mostly him ranting on about his frustration with my frustration, and I could see how so much of it was due to my issues with being hard on myself.  He has said twice in so many words, I'm seeing what's not there, I'm making a strain that doesn't exist. Okay, so can't go to him again and say, "What's wrong" if he thinks nothing is wrong.  And if nothing is wrong, why does it make me feel so uncomfortable? What I do feel: I've adjusted so as to defer to Ian that when there's a question asked of me, I tell them to ask him.   Still, they turn to me for the clarity (like, Jerz, you do the move he's talking about, okay, we get it).  And I see what he doesn't, like a way to regain balance one is losing because he doesn't see her form is off because he's looking at another member.  I tell her in private so as not to upset him and she's grateful. What else do I feel?  I get treated differently (this has been a theme in my life--no one has ever been really gentle with me, but they are with others.)  I suffered an injury last Fall.  Yesterday my teammate suffered similarly.  Everyone rallied around her, even Ian treated her so kindly, felt guilty--with me he blamed me for my injury.  And when they goof in training he laughs it off, when I goof, he's annoyed (today, he didn't say "Go" and I was waiting and they were already going, but we'd just had an issue of me going before he says go, so I've in turned tried to listen so carefully).  Do you get the situation?  They're all a group, I'm not, they all get along, I'm out of the loop, even with the person I need to be the most in the loop with?   I am praying that when we return to 1-1 the rapport will improve, but the loss of it makes me cry.  It hurts because his skills are what I need, but I need the comfort level I had.  Instead I feel like I'm meeting with someone *****ally doesn't want to meet with me.   I've tried to figure out how this happened.  Was it my focus on winning?  Their attitude was "we'll share the winning", mine was I need the top prize.  They're not in it to win, it's the only reason I joined.  They play at training (and benefit), I have to work my ass off to make any improvements. I try so hard, and it's not enough for anyone.  And to feel that even my advocate, my trainer, finds me too focused on winning, working too hard, and yet he's so hard on me, every which way come Sunday.  I think LVS might be right, that he knows I will win and that somehow influences it all, but.... I hate this feeling. I have tried reaching out--I even just called the injured one to offer to pick her up on my drive in tomorrow and she was touched and commented how she felt she had such friends from this...and I just cannot say the same. Sorry for the rambling vent.  I'm really tender about this.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time:-( It's really hard to judge what is going on without seeing it firsthand.  It could be that he is less chit chatty with you because he can see that you are more dedicated?  That might also be why he is harder on you? Obviously them spending more time together in yoga will form a closer bond.  There really isn't too much you can do about that...except maybe suggest that you all go out to lunch or coffee after your workouts & chit chat.  That should get you in the loop. I'm curious, how much are you paying for personal training?  I personally wouldn't go that route (for various reasons), but I definately wouldn't continue if I was unhappy or felt left out or picked on. Hugs. Lisa

Jerz, just move on...he is either not capable or simply not interested any longer. Take your choice - regardless just move on.  You learned a lot, by God, you still sing the company song and don't feel bad about that. You gave this 150%. Stand proud.

This is not the last stop on the trip, you KNOW that, right????

Group training was a discount, so $1000 for 2 months, but one on one is $1400 for 6 weeks (more expensive, but so much more worth it).  I pay it to be worked out properly--and that I am--which is why I won't leave it.  I'm eager to get back to one on one to regain the focus; that's one thing that's driven me crazy, that group is more light and relaxed and chit chatty and I want to get worked out hard instead of talk. But what I don't get is the dynamic with not just my trainer, but the team (that's the reason for the post).  I recognize that they're moving at a more relaxed pace and my level of focus and that creates a distinction--like I've shared they'll go sit on the bikes and chit chat for an hour, but I was taught that unless I'm training for a bike race, biking is not a great option for what I want fitness wise--he encourages full-body exercise.  And I acknowledge that their extra time together gives them time to bond. I just feel like everyone doesn't feel comfortable with me and that makes me so uncomfortable.  I've tried breaking through and they seem to think nothing's wrong.  But my heart aches inside because I feel left ou t, put to the curb. ANd watching him enjoy them--I'm glad that they all enjoy his style--he is an amazing trainer and they will continue to benefit. I just feel like a misfit.  Some have said you're so dedicated, serious, determined--that's it.  Okay, but that's what my trainer would want out of me.  I feel like I can't win wiht them. I believe the adage--I'm the common denominator.  It's got to be me.   It's like being me isn't good enough....

I really hate to keep doing this because I certainly don't know all there is to know...  but this whole situation is a tad different than I'm used to.  If you can use this information.. fine.. if not.. ditch it. WHY THE HECK ARE YOU PAYING SO MUCH!!!

I always make deals with trainers and get one on one good time for about 1/2 of what the gym gets.  Remember, the gym takes 25% and the trainers are taxed on the rest.  My sessions were supposed to be $60 each if I went twice a week.  I cut a deal for $30 per session at 3 x a week.. paid cash directly to him.  I have no contract.. it's verbal.  I pay him whether I show u*****T.. if he doesn't show or calls in, I get the time back.  If we've had a particularly productive month.. I throw an extra hundred in there as a "tip".  I've never.. ever... ever paid the gym or signed the requested 6 month contract.  With the gym I've been at since November.. I walked in and said "I need a membership and the names and numbers of trainers.. start with the ones who have experience dealing with people who have permanent injuries.  DONE...  Not their business what I do after that.  Of course the trainer whipped out the contract... and I just shook my head and told him the difference between having a client who pays every month, without question, and having no client is going to depend on what kind of arrangements we can make.  We made a verbal and shook on it. Why are you being kept off the bike?  Don't you start with 30 minutes of cardio as a warm up and move to 45 minutes of cardio afterwards?  What do you do for cardio?  You use the eliptical or the treadmill?  The warm up has to be there somewhere...  Maybe you are doing supersets (I like those the best) or do cherry pickers between sets to keep your heart rate up.  How do you warm up your muscles before lifting? Hey.. it's dog eat dog out there...  I want the personal service, but there's no way I could justify the costs if I didn't cut a deal.  It would have been cheaper for me to stay on insulin otherwise.   Ok.. shutting up now: 

It sounds as though the entire situation has become toxic.  You are spending quite a bit of valuable time on stressing over the dynamics.. too much.

I know we've gone over this but I feel compelled to reiterate.  He is your "trainer".. NOT your friend.  He also has a personality that might be conflicting with yours.  Your teammates are just that.. not your friends.  Although the setting may seem "social", it is not.  If they choose to make it social amongst each other.. so be it.  They are the ones who will lose.  Don't buy into their confusion.  You are there to do a job and if their behavior is interfering with that.. you need to move on.   A professional distance must be maintained for your own benefit and safety.  One of the biggest mistakes I've made in the past was developing a social relationship with trainers here and there.  Look at the loyalty you are feeling towards Ian... personally, I'd fire his a** if he didn't notice my form.  He needs to shut up and count reps, correct form and be prepared to pull that bar off my chest!!  Heck.. just yesterday I shooed away the owner of the gym telling him that my trainer was on MY dime at the moment.. .it's a business relationship.  He is an employee.. and if he doesn't do his job, I'll find another employee.  I don't expect him to react to any accomplishment other than those which are directly related to his instruction... yea, we throw the bull.. but only during monotonous tasks.. kinda like talking with my hairdresser.  Although the relationship is INTIMATE... it's not PERSONAL.  Like I said.. if any man is touching any part of my body while listening to me grunt and watching me sweat.. it's surely intimate... BUT NOT PERSONAL.  I would prefer it if our personalities don't conflict.. and if they do, chances are I'm looking at another trainer.  If he's having a bad day.. he better leave it out of my session.. I'm not HIS shrink either! Put it in perspective get another trainer.... do what you have to do but GET OUT of this stress.

Why pay so much?  They cannot go off the books.  They'd be fired.  Some (mine) are on salary, not independent contractors.  Ian throws in a few freebies, FWIW.  I go there for the level of skill they have over the other gyms. I don't confuse it with friendship.  But I am saying that in the environment, I am treated differently--differently by him and by the team. Today gave me further insight.  1--my trainer has a weird perspective.  I called him 2x yesterday, one because of snow and to let him know how today might be and the other to share the report from the doctor.  His twisted perspective?  I call him 3x a day every day.  I don't and I can't make him see this.  Once in a while I call to share a thought, like if I was really pleased with an accomplishment, but not anymore.   The others?  Today I learned that they have a nickname--the gym ambassador.  I know many people there and many know me.  I am outgoing and friendly.  We were sitting in group and about 7 people walked by and waved and I waved back.  Apparently, that makes me different than my teammates.  One explained, "I don't like people." Anyway, I'm gonna keep focusing as best I can on how I can grow from the workouts and little else. 

His reaction to your phone calls was odd - and uncalled for. He sounds like a big dum meat head.  In your shoes,  I would be be hung and damned if I would bother to call him even to tell him to **** up a rope. Just go til your stint is over and then don't go back, no call, no nuttin.  Don't allow yourself to be treated this way; you really can do this on your own.  You would do better joining the Y for basketball or other team sports that get together and practice.

GIRL!  After reading this I'm CONVINCED you need to do something differently.  I understand that you want to try to stay the course... I just hope it's not at the expense of your emotional well-being.