Ok.. I made the appointments :(

I guess we shall see.  I do not prefer women doctors... they make me feel uncomfortable... maybe because I've been such a failure in life that I can't handle being around such a successful woman.. I don't know. From the little I understand about this process, I start off seeing the psychiatrist, and he then puts me with a therapist in the group.  I already know he'll try to medicate me and I won't go for that at all. I really don't want to do this to be honest.  I just want to lay on this couch and sleep for the next month or so.

Well, Andy.... I'm not there yet.. so who knows how I'm going to react. I started to see a Christian counselor last July.. I didn't mention it because it was a nothing...  a couple of visits.  Frankly, with the depression I was feeling, I was struggling with my faith... and I cannot afford to struggle with my relationship with God... so I made an appointment.  She's a woman.. a very attractive woman with a lovely south african accent.  She decided to give me over to someone else after 2 visits because she was leaving that particular church (or so that's what she said) and when she said "oh.. you'll love her, she's so petite" (this is probably why I kinda blocked it out)... I thought... why would I want to sit here taking advice from a "petite" person when I'm so depressed about my size.  It's like throwing it right in my face that I'm not good enough.  I never went back. I'm not judging.. I know it sounds like it....  but it's more like ENVY.  Women DO look at other women.  I don't know how men ignore these things about other men, but women DO notice and they DO form opinions.  I also know that society views folks who have weight issues as having no self control.  This is why they are apt to make less money and have a harder time finding their position of choice in their chosen industriy.  I'm really not making this up... I've read the studies.  I only got where I was because I OWNED the place...but I did NOT put myself out on the floor.... someone like me is NOT what people want to see!  I put the window dressing on the floor and only showed up to close the deal.  I'm scared to death of trying to find a job now.... the window dressing is what will get my foot in the door and it just isn't there. THESE are some of the things I need to learn how to deal with. Anyway... I don't feel threatened by men.  I know the only interest they could possibly have in me would be professional because of my appearance, so as weird as this sounds.... I just feel like I'd get less judgement and more professional service. To be honest.. I don't know if getting this weight off of me (if I can) will help with the emotional issues... but I tend to think I made myself this way on purpose sometimes. ANYWAY... this thread has run it's course about me....  I know I'm not the only one out there who feels that being fat has a lot to do with emotional distress... and if this is a taboo subject.. I'll just drop it... besides.. it's just making me feel like more of a fruitloop than I already do.

LVS, I've been silent because I really don't know what to say.  I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. I keep rading all of the I'm a failure comments, but how? how are you a failure?  You have gotten so many lbs off.  Did it come too close to the 100s that you felt you didn't deserve more weight off?  Did you get scard what 100s will mean?

I want the weight off of me more than I need air to breathe.  I can't help what's happening right now.  I didn't gain 15 lbs in 2 days on purpose.. that's for sure.  I'm taking steps though... especially by making the appt. with the rheumatologist.  I refuse to accept this setback.  I'm not scared of being  under 200 lbs...  I want it more than anything... I'm just stuck right now.  The pain is screwing up my workouts, and the brain is screwing up my will to keep pushing.  Hence, I made the appointment with the psychiatrist (Oh gawd.. this is so embarassing). By "failure" I mean that I haven't exactly been blazing any trails in life... didn't graduate college... no career... did more drugs than most pharmacies carry... definitely screwed up with my kid ... failed marriage.. let my weight get so out of hand that the pain alone was enough to make me want to crawl in a hole and die.  Yanno.. a loser!  We all know 'em.. now you all know me!  lol   I don't mind reality... and it's not a pity party... it's just... the way it is!  It's so much so that after 25 years of washing, cooking, cleaning, doting, caring and stroking the ego... I didn't even get so much as a cheap carnation for VD just to say "hey.. thanks".  I think therapy will help me figure out what I'm doing that's so bad that I don't warrant at least some recognition or appreciation.  I'm doing something WRONG.. and I don't know what it is.. that's all.  After a while.. it gets to me..and it's all been coming out big time in the last few weeks.  I feel foolish about it.. but ..  this is what it is. Hey.. it's cool.. I'm cool...  usually I just get this guinea blood to boiling and throw a hissy fit.. I guess I'm just a little too worn out to go through the trouble lately!  LMAO

True, the gain is extraordinary and I believe you'll find the culprit soon.  Do like I'm trying with teh insulin issue--you can only take care of other stuff until you know what you're dealing with there....  Meantime, don't let it consume you.  Or allow you to give into bad habits (I thought I'd read of you eating out of control past few days?). One thing stands out in what you wrote--worth in a relationship/something "you're" doing wrong.  Hmmm, sounds to me like you choose those who don't express your value to them...that's interesting....

Yea... out of hand with eating... I took a bite of a mini italian pastry one night and did it again another night.  I asked the kids to please put it in their fridge so I wouldn't have the temptation.  They didn't, so this morning I threw it all down the garbage disposal. I ate too much today.. although I thought I didn't...when I figured out the calories I was up to like 1700.  I ate 2 eggs on a hamburger patty w/1 breakfast sausage link for breakfast out at Ihop.  Did a lot of running around today.. had to grocery shop, go to the pharmacy 2 or 3 times (they'e so incompetent sometimes), had to hit DMV trying to get my license and registration done for SC but I couldn't prove I was me (how utterly rediculous), then went to dinner at O'Charlies and had a 6 oz filet, broccoli, 3 chicken wings and a romaine salad with blue cheese.  WOW that added up. I'm considering today day 1 of induction all over again which means I'm not so worried about the calories.. more about the carbs.  It'll be ok.  Tomorrow I'll start like I started at the beginning.... doing my bike for as long as I can before hitting the gym.  I'm GONNA fight this....  I just can't fight the fluid retention right now.. i'm hoping the rheumatologist can do something about that.  It makes sense that fluid surrounds areas of pain to try to protect the joints.. so... maybe this has something to do with it. As far as the other... I don't know what to say.  I was never the best wife, mother, or anything else for that fact.. so I guess I get what I deserve.. and it's too late in life to change this.  I just gotta LEARN to not let it BOTHER me so much.  We reap what we sow.  It's not that I choose those who don't express my value to them.. it's that I have NO value to them.  So what am I doing wrong.. was it all this weight I gained... what about when I was a perfect size 7.. what was the reason then? Oh.. Jers.. I'll get over it.... I always do...   then mother's day will roll around and I'll get the same funk... then my birthday will roll around and I'll get into the same funk.. then Christmas.  In the interim... I think I'll stop making such a fuss over everyone else's special days even though it goes against the grain with me.  The important thing is that I'm beginning to take steps to try to get well. 

I hope you find what you are loking for. I truly think there is a counselor out there that can and will help you search in a way that is right for you. As far as your weight goes, I'm going to say something that I know is easy to say and harder to live by. My uncle said it me one day and it has stuck with me every since. I was about 18 and I always walked looking at the ground. He asked me, "Is something wrong with your neck?" I was like huh? He says, " You always walk with looking at the ground like you are scared of people and don't want them to notice you. QUIT it!!!!" I just looked at him. He says, " You can't enjoy the world and appreciate what it gives if you are too scared to raise your head and look around you for fear someone might be looking at you and might say something. You are a beautiful person and if others can't recognize that, then they are the ones with the problems. Hold your head up high and say "F*** em if they can't accept you as you are and for who you are but why should you be the one walking around with your head held in shame. It should be the other way around. Lift your head and see what happens."  I, too, have self esteem issues even my doctor said so at my visit in January. The thing is I can't let go of my uncle's words or I would give up on ever accepting and being comfortable with myself. It doesn't mean I get it right all the time but I have a constant reminder to keep tryin' Good luck, sweetie. You'll get there. Beth