ARGGG

didn't know what to title this one but its so off topic but I feel like you guys are so smart so I'm needing some help... First off my boyfriend and I live together and have been planning our wedding for about 6 months and the entire time I've questioned if I'm doing the right thing. The entire time we've been here at the apartment 9 of the 12 months we've been late on our bills and the last two months its taken an eviction notice to get him to pay rent. He told me to focus on school and work as little as possible so I did and we struggled so he picked up more hours and spent frivously with the extra money so that did no good. He later told me he's fine with this life, that its what he had as a child and he'd be okay living in a shack the rest of his life...I'm from a totally different world and I'm not a stuck up person but I have always dreamed of a better life than he can provide for me. He told me if I stay with him it'll probably be the biggest mistake of my life because he can't give me what I want (including a child.) So I'm moving back home with my mom to just find myself again and we're still going to date but I'm going to focus on ME for once instead of having his meals ready when he gets home and having his clothes laid out the next morning so he doesn't have to deal with it, making everything perfect the way he likes it! Where does the problem lie then...I'm glad you asked! My mother is a terrible alcoholic and it was a huge issue with me and this is why I moved out so early. When she was wasted it would upset me so I'd leave with nothing to do but eat...I'm so scared I'm going to go home and gain 70 pounds! Moms drunk food of choice is ice cream so on any given day there is at least 3 gallons of ice cream in the freezer!! She also makes terrible meals and gets offended when I don't eat... Any advice would be awesome and I'm so sorry its sooo far from topic but you guys really help me out sometimes

Eeeewww....sticky situation.  First things first, if you have to ask yourself if you should be marrying (or doing the right thing) this guy then you probably shouldn't.  Just sayin'.  He doesn't sound like he can make the commitment that is needed in MANY areas to make a marriage work.  AND IT"S WORK GIRL!  He isn't ready and neither are you.  And that's okay!!!  As for moving back in with your mom, it will be tough because it sounds like you will be in a pretty negative environment.  I wish there was somewhere else you can go but I understand.  As for the terrible meals, maybe you could offer to cook several nights a week and then you know it would be something you like.    Ice cream.  Oh evil, evil ice cream.  That would take some major willpower for me but you can do it!  It  might be a little rough with everything you are going through but just remember, you said it was time to take care of 'ME' and that's what your goal should be during this time. I am new but I am here for you! Keep your chin up! xo, J

awe thank you J! Ice cream is a tricky thing (I swear the devil himself made it) I'm trying to get my own apartment but that will come with time!

GUUUUUURLLLL...I could kiss you for taking a step back on this with your BF. You are listening to your instinct there; i pray that you have the strength to not go back cuz you feel sorry for him.  I swear, my older DD married her hubby becuz she could not find the courage to break up - I swear it! As for your mom, that ain't the last train stop, either. Find a girlfriend or three - even strangers, share a place. Or, does your town have rooms for rent?  Do that if so.  Even put an ad in the paper asking to rent a room.  Make that stop a short one to your mom's house just to get your head together. Better yet, if at all possible, call a distant relative who lives WAY out of town and just ask if you could stay there. A change of scenery is exactly what you need! Plus, you may be surprised at how you may be able to handle your mom now that you are much more mature. Don't let her or him manipulate you. Eyes on the prize!  hey, I left for CA with $40 in my pocket - I lived. I babysat for people until I could get on my feet. Waitressed at night. It sucked, but anything was better than living with jerks.  Smart  you. You'll be okay - look at your great choices already.

First of all, HATS OFF TO YOU for realising this lifestyle won't work long term.  You are totally right- it may even be worse if you have a child- cause then you might not be able to give them the life they deserve.  So good on you!

I agree with Neece- find some friends and move in there.  Only stop with your mum short term.  What you need is a positive life- the life you deserve!

Let us know how you go,

Em

  

Oh gosh Stacy! I am so proud of you for having the foresight to NOT MARRY right now. How I wish I'd listened to my BRAIN when I was young! I could have averted a huge amount of stress/trauma in my life. You have the whole world in front of you... don't look back! Do your best to resist your mothers ice-cream (and most of all her cooking LOL)  I would try very hard to just keep very busy outside of home if she is drinking in the home. That's tough :(  My MIL drinks and when she stays here- she drives me crazy. It's just not an environment I can handle. Coming from a mom of 6 kiddo's- thank GOD you walked away! Cause if a part of your dreams includes a child one day- and he isn't walking beside you in those dreams.... you could have lost a BEAUTIFUL thing by giving into HIS dream... and leaving yours behind. Just keep striving for YOU. You are on the right path... you will do okay. (((((hugs)))))

I have a theory.  I believe men tell us the truth and we often don't listen.   "He told me if I stay with him it'll probably be the biggest mistake of my life because he can't give me what I want (including a child.)" This would be your life.  Make no doubt about it.  Is that what you want? Too often we get wooed by the good moments when they are few and far between.  Focus on what you have with him now because that is what you will have in the future.  Choose based on what you want for yourself.  Remember, also, actions speak louder than words. I wasted the best years of my life on a jerk and you know what?  He told me on the first date what he was and I laughed it off like it was a joke.  10 years later, yup, that's who he was for sure.  And I could have saved myself tremendous heartache by walking away. this life is about making what you want out of it.  Settle for nothing less.  If he says " it'll probably be the biggest mistake of you life because he can't give youwhat I want (including a child.)", why are you ignoring that, choosing what you don't want over what you do?  Usually the answer is some insecurity that needs to be addressed.   Settle for nothing, my dear.  You deserve more.

"I believe men tell us the truth and we often don't listen." AMEN! My first husband - I could not possibly understand to what extent - turned out to be a jerk, too.  AND he told me he was. He said on our 2-3rd date that I would find out he was not worth loving.  I felt sorry for him and was determined to love him more than anyone ever had.  Trouble is, I was hanging onto his one small grain of humanity, and the other 99.98% was NOT worth it...just like he said. 

Oh, Stacy, I am SOOOO proud of you!  Believe me, any many who warns you that to stay with him is the biggest mistake of your life, IS SPEAKING THE TRUTH.  Jerks don't lie.  Sounds like you've only wasted one year of your life on this loser, and that one wasn't wasted because you learned a valuable lesson.....you know you deserve better.  It takes so much strength to leave a relationship that is going nowhere and strike out on your own.  So many women are afraid to be alone and stick to losers cause they NEED someone (or think they do). The situation with your mom is not ideal, but neither does it need to be long term.  I agree with Neecee...any girlfriends you can share an apartment with or just move in with for  a few weeks until other arrangements can be made?  The sooner you're out of there, the better.  Maybe you can even find another part time job evenings so your exposure to her is minimal and you can save faster for a place of your own. If you have the strength to lose the loser....I know you have the strength to not let your mother drag you back into old habits.  I'm praying for you, Stacy.  My daughter married an alcoholic loser (nothing I said would change her mind) and it took her getting pregnant and realizing she didn't want that life for her baby to get rid of him.  She had to give up being a stay-at-home Mom and go back to teaching to make it financially, but it was the best decision she ever made.  She is now happily remarried to the greatest guy on earth and has two more little ones (10,5,2) and has fulfilled her dream of being at home with them.  Sometimes we just have to learn from our mistakes and they make us stronger.   I have such faith in you...you will make the right choices (good start already) and achieve your dreams. Bless you....Sherrie

Stacy, Be proud of yourself for taking that step back and moving out.  You are doing what is best for not only you, but for him as well.  I have to say he sounds like he's very different from you in not only goals in life, but moneywise as well.  Those are such important issues in a relationship, it's wise to step back now.  I was in a situation with my sister where we had a house together and in the beginning I figured out all the bills and then paid her in a lump sum for my half.  Did that work????  NOPE.  She wasn't very responsible with money.  It is so frustrating and worrysome to have a situation where you don't know if the power or phone will be working from one day to the next.  I remember coming home one very cold winter night from work only to see everything was pitch black.  Even though I had given her money for bills all along, she wasn't good handling finances (but kept it from me) so she played creative financing and paid a bill when a shutoff notice arrived.  Well that night they weren't going to turn the power back on except if we wrote a big check.  I had to foot the bill for that.  I can say it was the last time that happened.  I love my sister, but I find our relationship so much better now that I don't live with her and have to rely on her to be responsible. As others have said, please make the stop at your moms a short one.  For your peace of mind you need to move on quickly.  For now, as Neecee suggested, try and find a room to rent or room with a bunch of girls.  If you go to a college with housing, maybe see if you can still get in there and rearrange your financial aid to accomplish that.  After your semester is over you can definitely look to get a couple of part time jobs or even a full time one.  Believe me, it isn't easy but it is totally possible.  I went to school 3/4 time and still had a full time and part time job.  Did it leave room for much else?  NOPE...but I had my eyes on the goal and made it.  YOU CAN TOO!!!!  It may be a struggle, but it will be well worth it. It is a very important time in your life to grow and spread your wings.  Life goes by so quickly, don't settle and always reach for your dreams.