Help, I have a decision to make (not weight related)

We have a decision to make. I need some thoughts on this one.

My mother in law called us the other night and told us that in March they want to put $2500 dollars toward us tickets to go down to Illinois to visit them. Now, there are a few things I'm worried about. First of all I went ahead and told my new future employer that I will need a few weeks off later this year. Thought I might as well spit it out right now before the agreement was a done deal. So time off will not be a worry.

First, I keep wondering if there isn't some kind of hidden agenda. I mean, I have the sweetest in laws there is. They are extremely nice folks. I've only met them once and I really like them. A little odd, but nice! :) I fear they will buy the tickets without contacting us first. Not ask us if we agree on the dates, times....etc. I feel like I'm being a ***** or something because I'm being so picky about this. But to me I have reasons, there will be six of us and we need to corresponde the dates and times. I"m also scared to death of no lay overs, as I have RLS and I HAVE to get up and walk around for a while in between flights. Plus I am scared to fly and claustrophobic a little bit which between the two brings on my panic attacks. I've actually almost asked them to pull over once. hehe I swear I was about ready to open up that door, I needed air fast. Just things like that. Okay, I also just don't like others taking control over "my" schedule. I feel like I'm having control issues over this.

I have never met his sisters and brothers, or his friends. I've only met his parents once when they came up here to visit us two years ago. Even then I had panic attacks for four months until they got here. Remember I have panic attacks, and heavily with meeting anyone associated to my husband. So I'm petrified of meeting his friends and siblings. UGHH!!! I told my husband that if I'm not satisfied with my weight when the time comes to board the plane I'm not going. He of course said I would have no choice. Lol, little does he know!!!ha Anyways, I'm skeptical on this whole thing. The whole money issue, and just going down there in general and meeting everyone!

I feel bad because he married into an already made family. Since we got married he has adopted my two younger children. He is the oldest of five kids, which his mother is estatic that she has grandchildren now. Which I feel bad because I married him with access baggage and I'm eight years older! Plus not able to have anymore kids. Sorry all the personal details, but it helps knowing where I'm coming from. I am only 11 years younger than his parents. His friends are about 8-14 years younger than me. No kids, skinny, etc..you get the picture.

Help!!

eek! they would be foolish to buy tickets for you without making sure the logistics work for you.  Why would they want to risk having to pay a fee for changing dates, or having you not be able to come.   Doesn't sound like it would be much of a vacation for you.  Sounds overwhelming to say the least!  Is it feasable for just his parents to come to you; then at least you wouldn't have to deal with the whole shebang at once. I hope it all works out for the best.

Woooo... Holly.  Don't take this the wrong way but you need to see a psychiatrist, bad!  Your anxiety issues are taking over your life, and you need to get those under control, quick.  Maybe even see a psychologist about your issues as well.   You can't expect your husband to live in a box because you want to be kept away from his friends and family.  It's going to end your marriage if you keep this up.   Try to calm down about the whole ordeal and go to Illinois with your husband.  Look at it as an opportunity to meet new people and completing your family.  Don't worry about your weight: You can't wait until you are "ideally presentable" to be apart of his life.  You married him so you MUST be apart of his world, whether you're happy with yourself or not.  Best of luck, chicky.

I must second this in some way, Holly!  The last thing you want it seems to me anyway - is for these folks to dislike you.  Do you deeply think behavior like this (avoidance and fear) are going to help them like you? Do you think your DH will tolerate this forever?  he may not! You - we all do - marry the family. This is not all about you, either.  Your children deserve to meet and be known by people who want to love them!  Don't deprive them, don't make this a big deal by not going yourself.  That would put the kids in a weird spot, you know!  if you really cannot handle this, Neen's right, get help.

Holly, Something to think about...has your husband been understanding regarding your panic attacks and the fact you avoid meeting his friends?  Try to put yourself into not only your husband's, but his families shoes.  How long has it been since he's seen his family and friends?  From the sounds of it, a long time.  It sounds like your in laws are pretty cool.  They won't change who they are when they see you.  Plus, it's a wonderful gift they are giving not only their son, but his whole family.  So my advice, GO. As for the concern with booking flights, etc.  Have a frank discussion with your in laws and ask what month they were thinking would work for them.  From there let them know you have to figure out scheduling for your family and will let them know what options work best.  That way your in laws don't feel they are being dictated to and neither do you.  Just think, they've got more than 6 people they have to figure out schedules for as I'm sure your husbands family and friends will want time to visit with you guys.  As for non-stop flights, those are pretty rare.  Just request from the in laws that with the kids, it's best to have a layover. I definitely want to encourage you to talk to someone if you aren't in therapy.  I recall you were very upset when your husband invited you to a get together with his co-workers.  I don't remember the details, but know you were very anxious about it. Don't let these fears keep you from living a full and happy life.

well, i doubt they would buy them totally without help (eyes traveling over to your DH right baout now!)  and if they did and it did not work, you can, with most arilnes re-schedule (use like a credit) You must by now knwo what I am going to say: 1.  It is WORSE thinking about going than actually DOING it! Did yo or did you not live thru meeting his parents? I bet they LOVE you.  2.  Love your self at this weight, any weight, my sister! YOU are so precious and awesome. Stop this..stop feeling like you are not worthy. 3.  Out of  all the people in the Universe, your DH chose YOU.  4.  Hey, be proud, do the best you can with your weight, for YOU, not them.

On booking the trip- let your inlaws know you are starting a new job and will have to clear the leave first BEFORE they book the tickets.  Then tell them the times that suit YOU and YOUR family.  The fact they're willing to put so much money towards it means they value your family.  That's a good thing.  I think, do the 'deep breath' thing and just go with the flow- at least they don't live commuting distance.

On what sounds to me like a case of the "I'm not good enoughs"- well lets say (worst case scenario) his family and friends don't think your good enough... SO WHAT?  HE thinks you are, he married you.  I reckon the fact that he thinks that highly of you will mean that they will see what he see in you. I dare say he doesn'tfeel bad havingmarried into a ready made family- if he was like that he would have run away the minute he knew you had kids.

The friends may be young and slim BUT consider this- are you possibly assuming how they think? Maybe they are young, thin as well as welcoming, friendly and genuinely caring people? Maybe, they are worried about meeting you? You're experienced and wise, while they may feel naive and immature by comparison?  Anyway, what I am basically saying is 'perspective'.

I say "Go" give it a chance-and even if it is a bit weird you can just jet home again and wait another two years before planning the next visit!

As for you weight- one thing this weight loss process has taught me- don't "WAIT" to live your life.  YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH NOW.

Em

Em

Just a reminder... your hubby loves you the way you are. His family and friends will like/love you because they love him and are happy you make him happy. If they don't like you... oh well! You and your hubby will still go home together and live your life together regardless of what they think. I am 346 lbs, 28 yrs old and prone to panic attacks (especially on the plane) I tend to take dramamine to knock me out while on the plane. Sometimes it doesn't work and I freak out the whole way... Anyways, I'm 6 years older than my hubby... all of his family are "perfect sized" people. I was really uneasy with them at first; but I have come to realize that while I may be fat, they have their own imperfections.