Stress and doing the wrong thing..

It's time for an emotional enema! I spent 6 months trying to destress.  I felt I had to remove all the worries in order to tackle this weight loss project.  It got to the point where I couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time anymore, so this was the best route.  ESPECIALLY since I took myself off an awful lot of medications, and there was absolutely no way to think while withdrawing from some of that stuff.   Right now, my stomache is in a knot and I'm tempted to call the pharmacy and swallow 6mgs of xanax then jump in the stang and drive as far away as I can. No one does anything around here, which is ok with me at this point because I've become more able and I enjoy getting stuff done, but I was never one to have company... I got this thing....  no matter how clean the house is, I always feel it's never good enough.  It could be spotless, but the aging carpet will throw me in a tailspin, or the sagging sofa that has my permanent assprint in it will drive me nuts.....  so the best thing for me has been to stay very private.  I know.. this is MY MENTAL problem, but it's a problem I've found a way to deal with.. I just stay to myself. I made everyone's breakfast as usual and I clean as I go, but there's always the dishes when they are done.. yanno..  no big deal.. I do it everyday, then go about my day.... the bike, the gym, home to do chores, but today my x hub announced that he wants to bring his BOSS home before they leave for the week!!  So I figured I'd clean up and take off.. but nooooooo he wants to introduce me which means, clean everything to within an inch of it's life then be coiffed and ready.. oh.. and by the way.. whip up some manicotti or something for lunch..  C'mon!   No way.. no.. no way. I'm actually having chest pains ova heah.   I guess this all boils down to how I react to this stress.  Right now a bottle of xanax is sounding REALLY tasty!  I know it'll stop my weight loss and give me the munchies, but it'll sure calm the feeling of pending doom I'm experiencing.   I have this super anxious feeling going on... like.. "I gotta get outta here".. and I'm trapped... like a freakin' animal in a cage.  I am so NOT ready to be in the world and he's trying to force me.  Sure... let's show off the fat lady ..  she's used to being laughed at... Thanks for indulging me.. I know.. I'm a freak and I need a shrink.. regardless of why or how my emotions are in this state I recognize this is one of the things that eventually leads to chocolate cake, xanax, double stoli kami kaze's and mass quantities of Cuervo 1800. Lori .. and yea.. I'm at a solid 236... 1 more pound to make 75!

Do not let him interfere with all your hard work!  Since you said he's your x hub especially, TELL HIM TO BITE YOU!! Brenda

Telling him to bite me would be putting it VERY politely.  I was thinking more along the lines of  "Go BOINK yourself", but that's not very Christianlike either.   Then.. there's the GUILT .  It's MY JOB TO MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD.. and I don't want this job any longer. 

Sounds like my wife in a way. She suffers from an anxiety disorder. She says a LOT of the same things you said.  Perhaps you might look into the treating the anxiety through therapy or medication?  Whatever you do, don't go on Cymbalta though.  She's coming off of it now and the withdrawals are not unlike that of heroin. She feels that she can control her anxiety without medication now but would have NEVER been able to do that if she hadn't used the medication to get to the point she is at now.  Just a thought!

I was medicated....  I quit it so I could lose weight and stop being a mental midget.  The detox is just soooooooooooo wonderful.. isn't it?  I've done it a lot.. by myself.   Talk about a heroine like withdrawal.......  try going cold turkey off mass quantities of xanax.. the cold sweats, the leg pain, the vomiting.. the 7 days of pure hell from no sleep.  The soaked sheets and gastrointestinal distress all night and all day.  I've been there.. it's no party.  I was too embarassed to tell my doctor what I was doing so I would just keep plenty of spare sheets and blankets handy.. and not even bother to put clothes on that I'd soak through.. just kept pulling up new bedding. And one major difference between us...  your wife is YOUR WIFE!  I'm just a housekeeper to my x husband.. always was.  Let's see... he doesn't take me out, we haven't had sex in at least 15 years, we don't have anything other than cursory conversations regarding his meals or vitamins or office politics.  He doesn't hear me at all when I speak to him.. he's completely oblivious.  Well.. you can say "Lori, maybe you're just a b*tch.. that's why".  Ut uh.. I'm not taking on that responsibility anymore... especially since I'm #3 on hi**** parade, but I knew my child needed a mother and a father.. so I'm still here.. well, she's moving out next month...  maybe it's time for this bird to fly away as well   and jus****CH the anxiety disappear!  :)

I'm not even sure what to say about all that.  I come from a split family.  It has it's downsides but everything turned out for the best. It's too late to say what you should've or could've done so I won't even bother but you should definitely leave that nest.  Fly south, fly north.. just get the hell outta there. bad situation..  and it's long since been over.

Don't sell out to the TV Family that comes complete with Size 4 Ruby Lipped Mommy!  You are enough just the way you are...we all are.  This is so often a woman thing...we can never be Ruby Lipped Mommy, well maybe for a day here and there, but nobody can keep that pace.  No one. I know you know this intellectually - this really is your fear barking.  i too have suffered from anxiety, and it was at its peak when the kids were home, house in constant disrepair, stained carpet and saggy couches, the whole bit. I learned after many years to not fight that attack, just observe it, and breathe.  Excuse myslef if I had to and go outside if possible.  They rarely last a long time - mine were about 1-3 minutes, and most were not even one minute. I assure you this is worse to think about than doing it.  I'm the same way, will clean for weeks, then the event is about oh 45 minutes outside!  By YOU...YOU are awesome. Just be real, be yourself.  

O M G!  I kept saying out loud.. WHAT THE HELL.. AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DONNA REED? And.. when I think about it.. I'm not any different than any of my sisters.  My one sister repaints when company is coming and she's so obsessive that she actually sweeps the lines out of her carpet after she vacuums.  My mother had 5 daughters to do the housework and her place was always super spotless.... even with an apartment full of teenagers.  The difference is after we'd mop... she'd say "not good enough .. do it again", and this would go on 3 or 4 times before it was "good enough".   I refused to do that with my kid.  Dishes had to be washed before they were actually used.. things like that.   I've been completely paralyzed here.. barely moved since I wrote that original post and this is disgusting but my pits are seriously soaked! Yanno.. I do know my place.  As long as he represents me as his significant other, it's my job to make him look good at all times.  He has me send lunch to his office for about 15 people like once a week, and tells me to bake something to send and so forth, and that's stressful because I know it's gotta be perfect or they'll look at him funny.  I know his clothes must be absolutely perfect and I stress over that (while neglecting myself).  I don't go there unless I look like I just stepped out of a salon.. and it's getting to me.  What do I get in return?  A roof over my head?  I am NOT demure!  I am a TOMBOY and I always was and always will be!  I like sneakers and leather (and pearls) and I like to do my eyes black.. very black and my hair is big and I'm sick of gluing it down. He's pushing me into running away from home again.  I simply can't be the wife he wants/needs.  After 25 years, I think it's time to call it quits.. get over my fear of not having a man to take care of me.. and get this freakin' show on the road.

It's funny.. my wife is quite similar to you.  She's not a model TV wife by any means.  She rarely cleans and my clothes are always wrinkled.  I had to buy roll around clothes racks to get her to even hang them up.  My clothes never reach the closet. 1/2 the time they don't even reach the roll around rack. If the kitchen table and all the baskets are full of clothes then perhaps some of them get hung up. Lol. I absolutely HATE this.  I hate that my house isn't clean and I want to be "perfect" in the eyes of my peers.. . I want my wife to be the model wife and I want every one I know to  think, "Wow, that guy has it made. He's got a perfect life and a perfect wife.."   However, a good marriage starts with  acceptance and that begins with the husband.  It's up to him to lead the family.. it's only right that it all starts with him.  I've had to overcome my pet peeves and accept the fact that my wife will never be that model wife.  If she were to try and become that model wife she'd be unhappy and probably at the same point you are at.  I value her happiness over a clean house and pressed clothes.  In turn I've found that because I accept her as is, she is more willing to clean and take care of things around the house.. and she does it out of love.. not fear.   Are things perfect and tailored to my precise liking?? No of course not..   I've also had to accept that  my ideas of perfection are highly exaggerated. I don't know what the next steps are to a good marriage.. and I don't want to act like I know everything there is to know about marriage. All I know is that I'm happy in my marriage and that is saying a LOT now a days.  I know there are many many more things to learn.. I'm just thankful I've learned this lesson as early in my marriage as I have.  I do know that when tough times face us again we'll be ready because we communicate well and we accept each others faults and work around them. I hope and pray that you find peace in yourself and that you'll find a man that will appreciate you for who you are one day.  I do hope you get yourself out of that situation soon and keep coming back here for support!

Chris.. my house IS clean, and it does make me happy to have it clean.  I guess I want BEYOND perfect.. and I can't have it.  His clothes ARE perfect... and I would feel completely humiliated if he left the house with a wrinkle.  I'm embarassed if I haven't put his underwear away yet and they are folded on top of the dryer and he walks in there to get them.  I do these things and feel this way because in my heart I know if things aren't done, I'm a bad wife.  My brain knows this isn't the way it really is, but I had a hardcore guinea upbringing and the guilt associated with letting something go is sometimes too much to handle. I think my biggest issue is being completely ignored!  My efforts are insignificant.  I mean nothing to him.  No matter how much money I made.. everything we had was because of him.  I started the business with my bare hands and a load of guts, yet I get no kudos for that.. only the negativity because I had to shut it down because of my declining health.  You know why I divorced him?  As my health was declining, I knew I'd have to shut down and get out of the game and I wanted to spare him the financial devastation.  I took the bullet.  I really didn't expect to live very long.. I didn't expect to lose weight.. it just seemed like the game was over.  He would have gladly collected on my life insurance and put me in the furnace as long as it didn't inconvenience him in any way.   I moved in with him when I was 18.. he was 35 and already married twice.  I coudln't cook yet, had no concept of how to keep a house yet, but I had a killer body!!  The better my domestic skills became, the worse I looked.  I think it's IMPOSSIBLE to be everything to someone... yet that's what he needs.  I don't love him romantically.. he's my best friend.. but I realize that this friendship has been toxic.   I don't know why all of this is coming out today...  I think the "boss for lunch" thing was just the straw that broke this camel's back.. Forgive my ranting.. please.. it's just one of "those" days I guess.