Need to gripe and whine about hubby's weight (LONG)

Here's the story which tipped me over the edge:

OK... Sunday... We slept in which was nice as my youngest was having a sleep over at my parent's house.

We had poached eggs, grilled tomatoes and mushrooms on a slice of toast at 9.45am.

Life blessed us and we somehow, miracle... ended up kids free at 10.30am (a rare but excellent moment!) so decided to spend the day out.

It was very hot (it's summer here) so we went and looked through a bookshop, checked out the big screen TV's... some cool furniture etc etc.

It was nearly 12.45pm, and we decided... hmmm long time since we saw a movie as a couple (like 2-3 years!) so we bought wandered up to the movie theater.... and the only movie we thought was worth watching was starting at 1pm.  We hadn't had lunch yet, but figured we'd have a late lunch since breakfast was late anyway

The movie ended... it was about 3pm and my parent's call us on the mobile to invite us over for a BBQ dinner which would be served at 5.30pm (to suit my brother who lived out of town and has young kids).

So I immediately rethink my plans for lunch, I tell hubby to order me a coffee and raisin toast while I go grab a table.  To my utter horror when his meal arrived he had ordered a meals sized nachos with lashings of cheese and sour cream... PLUS (yes PLUS) a meal sized plate of fried wedges with even more sour cream!  WTF? 2 meals? for him? and we're having dinner in 2 1/2 hrs? He ate the lot! 

He then went on to eat a full and generously proportioned BBQ dinner and dessert at mum's!

I have been really trying to support him to lose weight, but ironically I don't think he's a willing participant! I am starting to get frutrated with his lack of caring about his weight. 

He is quite overweight. He could easily lose 60lbs and still have more to lose. I would be delighted if he lost 25-30lbs- because it would make such an impact on his long term health.

He usually refuses to walk with me as it's 'too boring'. He won't even attempt any other workouts- I have talked at length with him about what type of workouts he might like to do but  you name the excuse he'll make it as to why he can't do the type of workout he supposedly wants to do.

He eats a man sized portion of the family meal plan but then sneaks food by buying it and eating it in the car- eg chips, museli bars, lollies... I have found empty packets many times.  Not just the small chip packets either.

I have tried for the last year to get him to do something about his weight but he just won't.  When I first started losing weight he did too... but while I kept at it he gave up.  I try very hard not to nag/ pressure/ constantly mention this issue as I don't want him to feel like a failure or to feel I don't love him. Plus he never pressured me about my weight when I was MO.

But I am genuinely very worried about his health now and long term. He is in a stressful job, his dad has had bowel cancer and I don't want him to eat himself into an early grave. 

OK... this ended up long! Guess it's been on my mind a long time.

I acknowledge that some of you may relate to my hubby and have someone in your life who wants you to lose weight, so I am sorry if I seem critcal and insensitive. I certainly don't intend to be mean, I guess knowing what a difference weight loss has made to my life I can't understand why he won't try.

Any thoughts? Ideas?

I keep thinking of that saying about leading a horse to water... I guess I am wondering what will it take to make the horse WANT to drink? Cause I am out of ideas!

Em

PS I must admit I am afriad that everyone will flame me for this

 

Why would we flame you?  You care about your husband and his well being. Nothing to antagonize you about there.  He simply isn't ready. He is completely rebellious to the idea and is not even considering making any changes. Telling him he needs to lose weight or exercise will only **** him off and cause him to eat in private.  He doesn't want to hear it.  All you can do is continue to set the example and throw suggestions his way every now and then.  Continue inviting him to come with you and praise him when he makes good choices. Don't point out his bad choices.. trust me.. he knows they're bad.  When the moment is right and you two are having a good heart to heart.. remind him of how much you care for him and  that you're worried about his health.  Play on his heart strings and tell him how afraid you are of being without him.  This is what my wife did to me almost 2 years ago..and it worked.. I finally made up my mind that it was time to change.  Sure i've failed many times along the way... but I'm back again.  I'm sure you know how hard it was for you to get to this point. Think back on your life and remember what helped you to change and try to help your husband in the same manner.  Probably knew most of that but hopefully it'll help!

Thanks for a flame free reply Chris, I just wasn't sure if people would see me as that nagging person trying to get someone to lose weight. 

I do try very very hard not to do that because I remember exactly how I felt.  When he had his mega fat/carb twin meal episode I didn't say one thing...

All you can do is continue to set the example and throw suggestions his way every now and then.  That's the tactic I have used, so good to here from a male's perspective that it might work eventually.

I might just try the heartstrings moment again.

Em

Em..no way does this warrant flaming!  I am on the run just now, will be back later!

you'll catch more flies with honey...... He is rebelling. He is a grown man and doesnt want to be hounded and harrangued into losing weight - not saying that you are actually doing that - just that it is probably the way he feels. He may even be mourning the fat and happy days when you two would eat together... then you went and lost weight...  how dare you :)

keep inviting him to walk....  keep setting a good example.... keep worrying about his health and well being but leave the weight and eating alone... that is my suggestion.

 

I seriously try not to hound the poor man.  But in the back of my mind I am thinking what if he has a heart attack?  What if I had never told him I wanted him to address his weight? If a wife can't be honest then who can?

He may even be mourning the fat and happy days when you two would eat together

How perceptive of you! We were as bad as each other at snacking, I am sure that being his 'partner in crime' is how my weight escalated over the years.

Em

PS love the avatar photo

I have the exact same problem, Em! My husband is overweight and also has diabetes and takes insulin shots AM & PM every day!  He'll star****ching what he eats for about 2 weeks, then BAM....he's at the old habits again. I try to encourage him because of his health issues, with no success.  It's so frustrating.  I'm trying to set an example by just cutting back on what I normally eat, but nothing works.   His family gets on him a lot, too, so I've stopped.  It doesn't do any good. I've decided to do like others say and just leave him alone.  But I tell you what, he WILL NOT sabatoge me anymore.  Maybe he's not gonna do it, but I'm serious about MY weight loss.   Hey, he's a big boy.  He know's what to do and what not to do.  Guess he's just not ready.  But his life is getting shorter and shorter, but there's nothing I can do about it.  It's up to him. Bren

Oh Bren... I hear you! Your hubby and mine sound similar in that way. Mine has no health issue -as yet.

I just feel like grabbing him and screaming Don't you want to live your life?

You're right of course, it's up to each individual to be responsible.

Lightbulb moment: Maybe that's why it's  bugging me so much? Because I am trying to be responsible for him instead of just leaving him to his own choices.

It is just so frustrating,

Em

Em I understand completely what you are going through.  I have the same problem with my DB.  I have lost 50 lbs in the last 8 months.  In the beginning he tried a little and lost 7 lbs, but as I lost more he just gave up.  Every once in awhile I will try and give him ideas to try.  Just the other morning he mentioned his big belly and the fact he wanted to lose weight.  So I made some suggestions, but he's not ready.  He did say, "well I'm trying portion control," however when I notice what he's eating that isn't the case.  Yes he's cutting back slightly, but he doesn't have any idea on how many calories he's truly putting in his month on a daily basis. Right now I'm on a liquid diet in preparation for surgery.  Afterwards, the amount I will be able to "eat" with him is going to be very small.  I'm hoping that this will help spur on his attempts again.  I'm planning on creating a healthy mealplan for us.  Then it really is up to him to either try and eat healthier or not. I'm very concerned with his health.  His uncle has diabetes and it concerns me the way he's eating will make him a prime candidate.  Also, he's been snoring a lot more at night and for the past 6 weeks at least 3 times a week he jerks in his sleep.  My concern is that he may have Sleep Apnea.  His mom and aunt (both who aren't overweight) have been diagnosed with it in the last 2 months.  In addition, his snoring and jerking is frankly messing with my sleep.  You see I have sleep apnea and if my sleep gets fragmented by someone waking me up (or my own apnea events) then I'm exhausted in the mornings. In the end, all we can do is try and be supportive and help as best we can. Melinda

My hubby snores too... and it is a concern.

In the end, all we can do is try and be supportive and help as best we can.

Everyone is saying basically this.  Even though it is so frustrating at least I know I am not alone, so thanks for sharing your story Melinda.

Good luck with your surgery! Keep us posted!

Em