Walking down memory lane

 

Warning...lots of babbling..hehe I need to get some things off my chest.

I have been going down memory lane lately trying to find old friends and get reacquainted with them. I have notices a few things. First I have noticed the ones that I hardly payed any attention too, are the ones that I am finding the nicest of all now. It just amazes me! I was pretty popular in school, but I was friends with everyone. I have found I think five of my old school mates, the one that was considered a "nerd" is the one I talk too the most now. He's a very nice guy and has a lovely family.

I then found my two best friends. Come to find out they are still high maintenance kind of people..while I stayed pretty much down to earth. Ones a principle at a catholic school while the other is a flight attendant. She came into town and wanted to meet me. I FREAKED!! I always was considered a chubby kid, but there was no way I wanted her to see me like this. Things actually happened where I couldn't go see her afterall and I wrote and apologized for it. But when it comes down too it, I'm sure I could of figured it out to where I would of been able to go. Would she really have cared? I contacted my other friend, told her what has happened to me the past years and she never even responded back. Actually neither of them have responded back to me now. I guess it was wishful thinking I could rekindel some kind of relationship with them again. I guess I'm having a hard time knowing I'm turning forty in June. Lol, I absolutely hate that number.

Then I started thinking about me not going to meet my friend because of my weight. Just like I was scared to go out with dh to dinner parties, etc. Am I hiding in my own little world in my house? Thinking I can eat myself out of my house since no one sees me here? Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but it really made me start thinking. I need to overcome this self esteem I have of myself. When I'm thinner I am so outspoken, positive, and sexy person around (not really..but that's what I feel inside and that just shines..). I just think it's a shame I'm (WE) are wasting this kind of power we have inside of us. Some of you have reached it already, some of us had it and trying to find it again, some of us are reaching, grasping, trying to see where it's hidden.   I was just writing to someone on this board about this and it made me think of how the years are just slipping by me without realizing it. I have got to make it happen again.....and remain there. Weeks turns into years way too fast.

Here is what I just wrote on another board; the question was this gal is dating again and wondered if she should be pissed that many guys don't like fat chicks:  "This is the question of all questions, and not real easy to answer. I know that when I am fatter, i am not on my game, therefore, not as attractive. I don't think I am attractive, and if I don't love myself, who will? There are fat chicks who do truly feel beautiful, and typically, they do fine in love. I ain't one of them. BTW, even when *not fat*, I am not exactly small. I am a natural born size 14, so my body type does not appeal across the board, and that's okay, I get that. I cannot stand the GQ freaks anyway - those guys who have to have the size zeros, no thanks. I don't like them either. I like men who have a certain look...they can be big, or skinny, or somewhere in between. The *look* = I am fun, I am good in bed, and i think you are too! I seriously think most men are that way too - body types are out the window when measured against the 'tude! work it, Guuuurl." So, holly, this is what is boils down to for me. I know this is more about dating, but i think *feeling fat* reflects in all a person's relationships, friends to lovers, don't you? Yes, there is a definite question in your case, are you hiding from the world?  You, like all of us in our own ways, may be waaaay to comfortable and not having to face the fact that you are not taking care of yourself.  YOU are the only one who can answer this honestly. Then get a plan and whip it out!

Yes, I do agree it reflects in all relationships.  I really was referring to just one's inner self..everything as a whole.  It amazes me how one's inner self changes as they start to lose weight, and continues into a whole different type of attitude.  I know it happened to me when I lost that hundred pounds. It's just a shame I think, because we could use this confidence so much now.  Maybe all of you do already have this, but a lot of us don't until we start losing a big amount of weight.  Your right there are a lot of big beautiful women out there that do show it, and it shows.  I think it's fantastic.

As for me, you hit it...I'm "comfortable".  I kept staring at that when you said it.ha  In my own little house, own little world, where I don't have to face anything or admit it's happened.  I'm such a closet eater! I know where I'm at, and I know what I have to do.  It is easy though to slip back into that little world where no one cares, or looks at what your doing.  I call it my little devil inside my head.  Lol, I fight with it daily to stay out of the closet and open up my door to make sure everyone is looking and that I stay that way.  Make sense?