What a great 10th anniversary ... NOT...

Oh I'm just steamed! Our 10th anniversary just passed on the 20th. I told him not to get me anything because christmas was so soon. I said- just get me a card. So we argued that day as we do a lot these days. And he comes home and there is no card. I give him a card. And two gift cards. And he says- "I bought you a card but I decided to return it". I was FURIOUS. Then he said all week- oh , I'm going to make up for it! Well it's 8 days passed our anniversary and I have nothing to show for it. I asked him if he had planned anything and he said no.  He goes "fine. if you want a card, i'll go get you a card" and started to get dressed and run to the store. WELL HOW ROMANTIC NOT!!! I told him dont bother. His bday is tomorrow. I bought him gifts all week and he glady accepted them and has been very happy about them. Tomorrow we are going to dinner for his bday. it just sucks. He ruins my birthdays and anniversaries. It's a pattern at this stage. one birthday he didnt do anything. another birthday he said it was too late to do anything so he did nothing. One birthday I sat in the bathroom and cried. He didnt even get me a card that year. And one time he got me a card that said Happy mothers day and he crossed out the "mother" part. We dont have any children- he just didnt get the right card category- a birthday card!! One anniversary he threw money in my face and told me to get my own gift. one anniversary he did nothing. I just really can't take it anymore. I've lost about 30 pounds and I'm already starting to feel the resentment pile up for him and the past. 10 long years. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm just upset. Thanks.

Wow hon, sounds like he doesn't WANT to acknowledge or celebrate special events eh?  Gosh, ummm, counseling maybe?  Iam soo very sorry for what you are going through :(   I just looked at your profile, and with the list of so many so-morbidites, have you checked out all the WLS?  Iam still pre-op, on the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy forum, I invite you to come over there, see how it sounds to you.  Its surely no fun being in a relationship that hurts you, Iam sorry....

Well I just emailed ya...but wanted to give you (((((HUGGGSSS))))))

wow, having lived this very thing, all I can say is:  love should not be this hard.  After many years of finally dumping the chump who treated me pretty much the same way on most holidays and special get togethers, I am finally free mentally. It is a very psychological thing he is pulling on you, to humiliate you on what should be special days. There is not a Xnmas in particular that I don't refer back to some of the uglier things, but now, at long last, it is without emotion.

It's not right, and you need to have a heart to heart at some point and ask a hard question:  does he want to stay married?

Sometimes, I swear, very immature types would rather torture you to make YOU be the one to walk - ask him that straight up. Then you need tomake a decision in a state of mind that is not angry or hurt to do what is best:  work it out or walk.  Honey, love should never feel like this.

Thanks so much for all of your replies. We talked about seperating many times. I think both of us are just too scared to make the first move. I have talked to him every which way but he is very emotionally cut off b/c of his issues. He does notl like to talk about anything. It's been a lonely and VERY frustrating 10 years. VERY frustrating. I never knew someone could ruin holidays and birthdays. Regardless, I have always been nice to him on his birthday. It's depressing. I'm sick of spending my life depressed. that's for sure. Well thanks again!

Sending you lots of hugs.  Love shouldn't hurt that much.  It sounds like you've been hurt a lot.  Do you love him?  Do you remember a time when he was never like this?  Things to think about.  Maybe you should try counseling if you feel your marriage is worth saving.  If he won't go, you go.  No one should make you feel like he has.  It just isn't right.  You deserve to be happy and if he is making you miserable, then maybe it's time to evaluate where you want your life to go next.    Long story short, I grew up in a household where my mother and us kids were emotionally abused by my dad.  You can't see those wounds and scars, but they are deeply ingrained in you.  It takes such a toll on one's person.  I swore to myself I would never ever be in that situation where someone made me feel less...that I wasn't good enough.  It took me until I was 33 to actually trust a guy enough to let him in.  There are great guys out there. I wish you a lot of happiness.  We only get one life to live on this earth, so you go grab your happiness. Melinda p.s.  As Gael said, if you are looking at WLS you might want to join us on the VSG forum.  I started in the non-op, but am having surgery January 16th.  We'd love to have you over there as well.

Thank you so much. Everything , as far as dieting, is good so far. If i hit a plateau or it stalls I will investigate the surgery. Thank you!!

Kat -  I put up with similar **** for about 10 years myself.  When it finally ended I had a son to worry about too... 

Anyway - as others have said, Love shouldnt be so hard.   I encourage you to consider a new year's resolution of respect for yourself.  Begin doing nice things FOR YOU and stop trying to do things for him in the hopes that he will reciprocate.  He wont.  Not unless he decides he wants to.   One of a couple of things will happen.  You will begin to appreciate the fact that you CAN take care of yourself and you will find independance.  OR He will get scared that you dont need him and he will either get with the program or he will act out and become (more) unreasonable. Either way - you come out ahead. I wish you peace Elizabeth

Wow. that is 100% how i feel. Like if I am nice enough and generous enough he will do the same. you are SO right. he has to want to. You can't buy someone's love. I am going to stop doing that in 2008. Why am I bending over backwards to please him when I'm so miserable.  Have to think about that one...... Thanks!!