Something Neecee said

"I sneak-snarfed food."

This leads me to believe that we do have issues with food, if we continue to need to sneak it.  Big surprise, huh?  I know that I have spent the past 2 1/2 year identifying what makes me eat, what triggers my food impulses and what I feel psychologically when I do eat.

I remember when I started this change of life and I went to my PCP.  He had offered me some appetite suppresants at the time, saying "this will keep you from being hungry."  I said, "Oh, I have to be hungry to eat?" LOL  I have never felt real gnawing hunger on any diet I have been on in the past.  I guess that's because I could never afford a real organized diet like Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem, so I always either did WW or just cut out my starches and sugars.  Hunger has never been a motivating factor for me.  I have enough going on in my head psychologically that hunger never enters the picture. So how do we beat this "sneak snarfing" and what do we attribute this to? Is the answer to be found in learning how to reevaluate ourselves and make those changes that we need to make??  I find myself still sneaking food even after all this time.  Neecee mentioned that she saw the same food issues lurking around.  Do we ever overcome them or just adjust to them? I have reached a point in my life where food is not the end all and the be all.  Frankly I cannot even physically consume what I have in the past, so I know I am not going back to that 350+ pound person.  But I'd like to see a point where these issues no longer exist. Just some thoughts. Donna

You're totally right Donna. I find it where we just adjust to it. It is kind of like drugs or alcohol. I was listening to my mother talk about someone we know with drug issues and what not...she said the quote hold on let me think exact words lol. Hell I dont know! Something like The spots never leave a leapord. You can hide those spots but they are always there and creep up on you at times....your choice to push them away and keep hiding them or let them show at times. Drug users or alcoholics they relapse sometimes...some are very successful and never do...atleast that we know of kind of like sneak-snarfing which cracks me up lol....such a fun word. We relapse and stuff food in our faces in private kind of like......no one saw us....so we didn't do it. But we are still feeling the guilt because we let ourselves down.  I know if I get these pills from the doctor I will be hiding my spots....but as soon as I run out of the meds....I have to control my spots and keep them hidden! So I can be a spotless leapord lol. And you're right.....I'm usually 95% of the time not hungry when I eat....Its a total mind thing and addiction. Like I HAVE to have the food to get what I call a "high" it makes me feel good to eat...then when I am done stuffing my face until I can not stuff anymore I come down from that "high" and feel awful. But half an hour later hell I wanna do it again!  So good post...now that I have rambled about myself lol.

My heart goes out to you, Christa. You exhibit so many of the same compulsions that I do around food.  It's like a drug to me, and I never had to be hungry to eat it.  You are the exact same in that I have so many rational and logical debates around why I shouldn't be eating it, but I ate it anyhow. My success is so tenuous.  I know I will never go back to being 350 pounds, but I have the same head as that 350 pound person.  Do we learn to live with it, always being "recovering" from our "illness"?  I don't know.  I tend to think we just might be those leopards with the hidden spots.  And it's like you said, if nobody saw it we didn't eat it.  Like anyone would care if I ate it.  It's that outward control that I want people to think I possess.  I know I possess it 95% of the time, but that other 5% of the time when control eludes me, I am a mess.

I think you nailed it, we learn to live with it, work through it and come out survivors. Donna

GREAT question:  Do we ever overcome them or just adjust to them? Just when I think I have prevailed, there i go again.  Somebody recently made outright fun of me saying obesity is a disease (leave disease for the measles comment), but it is true for me - I have a dis-EASE with food.  I have learned to respect that, and further, expect it from time to time. It is a defense mechanism from waaaay back, and as Christa says, my spots have not left this leapord.  I'm not afraid of it anymore, I sure have spent lots of years being afraid of it. I think the day I stopped fighting it, I gained some amount of control.  It has not been that long ago for me (less than ten years ago) when I got that "too full" feeling that I did not actually go into the bathroom and stand over the toilet thinking about purging. These days, I almost never think about it. I have a plan now, most days. I don't get over full - very rarely, and when I do, i focus on how uncomfrtable I feel so that might imprint on my psyche.  I was (some may say still am) a sick pup.

Neecee, I have vivid memories of the drugged and sated feeling I got from food.  I could eat a whole lot of it and never stop, just eating more and more.  I don't know that I want to fight that whole word disease, so I'll say it's definitely an "issue." I think gaining even some control is an amazing feeling.  I really believe we have to adopt the attitude of one day at a time, instead of measuring our successes -- or failures -- by the one time we lost that control.   I like that you say that you hardly ever think about purging. I think that is a huge step for you.   I think you are so right in that you have a plan.  For me being without a plan is not only an opportunity to be out of control, but also an opportunity to not treat your body correctly.  I find that when I don't prepare food that I won't eat at all.  That in itself is as dangerous and unhealthy as eating too much or making the wrong choices. Me and you, my friend, sick pups.  But at least we recognize it and work every day on changing it.  Isn't that all we can do?

That is all anyone can do....one day at a time....one step at a time.....change change change.  I know why I am having such a hard time right now...its literally my uncontrolable time of the month that is coming up.....week before that I have no control...even tho I do remember back in the past I did have control once in my life at this time...only once in my lifetime lol. Which I will gain control...I know i will.

and about hunger:  my dh has taught me lots about that. He rarely if ever eats snacks between meals, and discourages me when i want to nosh. I am actually hungry for supper!  This, as you both mention, is not the case with me for most of my meals. I rarely experience hunger until late in the day.  I know this is why the bariatric foods work for me - most days, I do not feel hunger at all until about 4 p.m. It is scary to reckon with actuall hunger for me - I feel on the brink of control, which I have sloooowly discovered, it not the case. Again, old buttons that get pushed, my spots aching for attention.  Now, i make sure to focus on balance, not swimming in cheesy pizza or saucy pasta! Eat my veggies, etc.

Donna and Neecee,  You both have truly accomplished so much in my mind.  The fact that you have control 95% of the time and make good choices is what I strive to be able to do.  Your exercise routines are fabulous.  I am hoping as time goes on and with more practice and committment I will reach the success that both of you have.   I know I definitely don't have to be hungry to eat.  It is like a drug and we want the freedom and the temporary satisfaction of being able to eat how much and when we want.  I guess it's that love/hate relationship.  It's not like a lot of thin people don't have these same issues.  Some are just lucky enough to be able to get away with it.  All I can say is it's aggravating as hell.  I wish I had all the answers, and yet I guess I do, I just don't always utilize them.  That's why I say, "will I ever learn?" Will we ever be free of this completely, probably not.   Brenda

Hi Brenda, You are right, probably thin people have the same problems.  For what it's worth, I believe everyone out there has their cross to bear.  Ours is just more on the outside, visible.  Someone can be a crack addict and as long as they keep it "under control" (whatever the heck that means) nobody would know.   I hope to be an inspiration to somebody!!! Donna

Oh you are definitely an inspiration Donna as well as Neecee. I look up to both of you! Someday...someday I hope to come as far as you and also be an inspiration to others as well. :)