Ugh! Ambivalence is worse than all-out failure!

I always felt like I binged in part because in some sick, twisted way...it made me feel in control. For example, "Oh, I have been TERRIBLE today. I can FIX it tomorrow by starving." I could always be scheming for a way to fix it...I know that's no way to live. So today I am not stuffing myself but I'm sort of on the path to eating a maintenance-level of calories rather than a loss level. It feels worse...I just feel so blah, like I have no energy to try. I am at 205 right now but I was a bit lower and "gained" for no reason. I'm just praying it's a TOM thing because I don't know what else could explain it. I guess it's not really the number, but I have just broken out of a long and really destructive period in my weight loss and I feel all vulnerable and really want a boost in some way!!! And I didn't get my boost today...I need something to show me I'm on my way. Today I found out that an acquaintance of mine moved to Memphis, where I am always saying I'd love to live...there or Arizona. For some reason it made me feel like a failure! I am jealous and wish I could say I have gotten my life together enough to already have some balls and do that. I know they let fat people live there too, but it's a lot of things...I'm not ready to make that kind of change in my life and overall it's MY FAULT! Sorry for the ramble but I need some place to put it so I get some insurance against overeating today. I wonder why "Just OK" or "passable" sucks way more than "total failure" to me??! Ew.

That is interesting that bingeing makes you feel in control....  really interesting and quite the opposite to how it makes me feel. Regardless, good job on not stuffing yourself TODAY.  I also am in a bit of a dulldrums...  for some reason I am not ready to leave the 300's behind so I am floating between 301 and 305 this month.  I still know that I have lost 30 lbs and I am feeling successful in keeping that off... and for the moment that seems enough.  I am planning to start moving down again in January. I guess I am feeling that by maintaining withou****ching every bite I am proving to myself that I can lose and keep it off.  Does that make sense? I am sorry that your scale didnt give you the boost you needed.  How about another boost?  Maybe you could try a new veg that you have never eaten before?  Maybe do a new exercise?  I dont know - but if you need success to feel good today maybe you just need to find something creative and know that the weight will follow. Keep on plodding forward.... it is all any of us can do... and just in case you need one   

Thanks dear. I guess we are sort of in the same boat...or maybe boats trailing right next to eachother. Similar. It's gotta be a stretch to say it was ALWAYS a control thing. Obviously when I am eating a ridiculous amount of food I am out of control. But sometimes I thought "Oh, at least I know where I am going with this...and I will gain 50 pounds overnight." Right now I feel like I am just floating around in the twilight zone, not really doing anything! I will try something new with my jogging practice this weekend. Maybe just 5 seconds off my mile...maybe that will help.

We are control freaks, aren't we?  You ask why "just ok" or "passable" sucks way more than "total failure."  Total failure is an absolute.  Anything else is too grey for us.  I lost all my weight with an all or nothing attitude.  People used to ask me why I couldn't  "eat just one."  I said that it was too grey for me.  It's either no cookies or 50.  Just one was way too normal.  Still is.  When I smoked I'd smoke 2 packs or nothing.  I could quit cold turkey but after I went back it was off to the races for Donna.  Just the way I am.  Thank god I quit smoking 22 years ago.  The reason I never went back was because I wanted to have children.  The all or nothing attitude helped me because I felt that if I wanted to have healthy children I wouldn't smoke anymore.  With my weight loss it is the same way.  If I gain the weight back then I can't walk anymore.  It's that simple.  Neither of those concepts is grey for me, it's all black and white. Sucks, huh?  It's about finding our path, our way, what makes us comfortable.  For me "grey" will always be too uncomfortable.  Keep questioning it my friend, it will fall into place eventually!!

Wow, thank you.  I've tried to explain it a million times why I can't just have one day of eating normally.  No one understands why.  This is exactly me!  This one here and there just doesn't fly with me.  Just like quitting smoking, had to go cold turkey and never look back.  Are you still having a hard time with it?  Is there no middle ground still?

Hi Holly,

A hard time? No.  Not really.  It is entirely ingrained in me.  Do I have some days where I feel like I could have done better, made different choices? Sure.  But no, not hard.

Middle ground? No, there is still no middle ground.  I am still the same way with the all or nothing attitude and it actually overflows into my real life as well.  I am that way with a lot of things, exercising, shopping, to name a few.  I think it's just what makes me, me!

There's something in me too that can use the all or nothing for the better rather than for the worse, Donna...I know there is. I am going to start thinking now and harness it ASAP!

I am not sure most people will be - can be - successful at weight loss if they do not let go of the all or nothing thing.  I have managed to let that go in many areas of my life. Of course, there are slippery areas...pizza...getting too  hungry...too tired...not managing my stress, etc.  But when I am on my game, I practice being a little of dis & a little of dat..... It's OKAY to do 25 minute walks when my usual hour cannnot work.  It's OKAY to eat a little more (of the right types of foods) the week before my period It's OKAY to have 4-5 tortilla chips with salsa waiting for a mexican soup. It's OKAY to eat two cookies once in a while rather than zero.  It is NOT okay to do 25 minutes all of the time rather than my hour....and so on.  And that's the fear, isn't it...that we are really insolent children who will get hanged if we get enough rope.   Maybe it's my age, I am sure it has more than a little something to do with it. I am finally, at long last able to "hear" what my body is telling me. Most of the time anyway, always a caveat here and there. Trust yourself more; it's a better way to live!

Maybe I'm just not understanding what your saying, but if your "eating at a maintenance level " and your use to eating less because you want to lose weight, that means your body isn't use to what your doing to it.  So of course you would gain a little bit.  So I'm a little confused?!?!

But I do know about "I'll fix it tomorrow".  I'm queen of that!  My husband laughs at me because I can give any explanation to anything I want, just to make it happen.  It's our cop out, yes in our own little twisted way.  Tough love to ourself is the only way I know how to fix it.  Anyone else have any solutions I would love to hear it.  But I think that's what this is all about.  We have to "learn" how to eat right, and one problem is our minds!!  Weight loss is so much more than just what you put in your mouth!  It just amazes me.  That's where Neece and Kitty also have been talking about.  I'm really thinking about looking into an OA meeting.  I tried once, but the meeting never happened.  Maybe it's something for you too?!?!

Now, your wanting to move. :)  I also want to move, but I'm also close to 40 years old and have alot of baggage that I have to deal with.  If I could only see what my future holds when I was in my twenties!  I'm not one to be scared of doing anything like moving or traveling alone.  I absolutely love it, I swear I got gypsy blood in me.  Unfortanately I married someone that grew up in one house and lived in one place where even his grand parents lived.  Sort of sucks for me.  But for you!  You are single correct?  Omg girl, make it happen!  Only if you want it to happen though.  Once you get married, or have a family it slows the process down a LOT.  My dh was stationed in Japan when I met him.  He was in the Navy on the Kitty Hawk and I lived here in Alaska.  Yes..we met over the internet. :)  I REALLY thought he would hate Alaska.  Most people do after one year of living here unless they were born here or have a very athelitic nature in them.  Soooo guess what happened....he loves it here! grrrr   I thought for sure we would of moved by now.  So.....don't wait too long if you want to move.  Life's too short to sit and wait forever on things.  If your trying to get things in order, then do it...and go!

as a fellow binger (in a past life), i can relate to that feeling of control. Those feelings are what made me realize I was using food as a drug, i mean binging was just as conscious choice as running down the corner to score.  Living by myself, (which was lonely most of the time) not doing what I knew i was capable of, being broke, all those things made me feel out of control. Eating while alone in particular somehow made it all better.  My conscious mind knew better, of course, all this happens on a much lower level. Those who of you who never binged, this is hard to grasp - it sounds so obvious, but trust me here, it takes a while to see what direction to take.  Sonora, i have told Christa, now telling you...maybe losing weight is about one step beyond what you need to be doing. You have it exactly right to take a step back and get back on eating normally.  Balance is the key...i have learned that when i give my body what it is crying for:  fresh fruits/veggies, whole grains, less fat (but not too low), plenty of calcium rich foods and lean proteins, I crave less, therefore inclined to binge less.

As for other life decisions, I am sure you have heard that most old folks rarely regret things they have done even when it goes tits up...but the things never attempted...that leads to true regret. Don't let fear hold ya back. Having fear shows you have a brain to think out worse case scenarios and can you live with those....best of luck here!  luvs ya, and here is that cyber hug for your mood swing du jour.....lol   i am going to hell anyway, may as well go in style! (((((sonora))))))