Well....this might be long.

Hello to all of my friends.  Look...it's me the youngin of the group. ;) Yes i have been lurking for some time now...reading all of the post and what not. I have a bit going on in my life may not seem like big deals to any of you but to me it does. First off I am not usually a negative person but go****'s driving me nuts and I like to express my own opinon....I have been reading the posts like I have said and I read one where it said "We make it harder then it really is" ok maybe not those exact words....but seriously for some of us it's the hardest thing in the whole world to conquer this. And its not all about diet blah blah....guess what it is. Eating right and healthy....guess what it's called...DIET! Geez. Ok...anyways on to whatever else I was going to post about. I can't stop, I know my problems I have repeated them over and over and over again. No therapist can help me. I know some have suggested it but ok so I sit there listen to what they have to say...guess what I can go home and binge my brains out right afterwards and probably would. In the past month that I haven't been on I have done some horrible things to myself...I can't even admit to and don't want to.  I was watching my all time fave show last week Nip/Tuck one of the actors plays a girl that had Gastric Bypass and what not and obviously has an eating issue like no other....one time her line was "I walk right by the cupcakes and go do my job but I can't even think about anything else except the cupcakes i just walked by until I stuff one down my throat" It reminded me of...me. I see food try to avoid it but then for the rest of the time being that is ALL I think about until I eat it! Even if I am not hungry.  My ex boyfriend has been in my life for quite sometime now. I still love the guy he still loves me. I just always thought well there might be something better out there....I have now come to realize....there isn't. I broke his heart a year ago.....today to the date. After 4 years of our relationship I broke up with him for a different guy...pfft. Every time I date a different guy I always go back running to him. He's ALWAYS been there for me thru EVERYTHING. We met when I was thin a good 165 thick and fabulous J-Lo style. lol. He's seen me at my highest 276. In the past I had mentioned WLS and what not and he backs me up on everything and tells me he doesn't care what I look like. It's like when I look in the mirror and see myself and he looks at me him and I see something totally different. So I believe I am going to get back with him, he treats me good, loves me, and would die for me geez...it took me long enough to realize! Plus if he moves back in with me...that saves me lots of money lol....but that's besides the point.  Also, the company I work for just switched to a new insurance. Bue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan A HELL of ALOT better than Humana. It starts January 1st. As soon as I get the card I am calling the number and finding out about WLS because I looked over the booklet and it just says it covers surgeries after deductible and copay is paid. And all presurgery things are covered. So I might start this month on something with my family doctor because i actually have something wrong with my ear I will bring the WLS thing up as well while I am there. I am glad that all of you are still on track and doing well. For me...for some reason I cant get back on track...well I can't even afford groceries sad, all I buy at the grocery store these days are cat food and cat liter. I am so low on cash right now its insane. I am not sure if i am going to beable to buy gifts wow i am gonna come to tears....My ex said he would loan me some money for Christmas so I could buy gifts..I hate taking money from people. Everything is really hard right now. I guess I have kind of in a way given up. Which is sad. Really sad. Wow this is really long. If you actually read all of this...props to you and thanks lol.

Christa,

I feel for you!  We've all been there with our weight loss and self image.   I am the exact same way with food.  My dh brought me a muffin yesterday.  I told him I wouldn't eat it, but it "called my name" till I finally gave in.  I cannot be around tempting food.  I feel helpless. I cannot tell you what to do with your boyfriend.  If he treats you good, and you REALLY like/love him, then okay.  But don't use him.  It's not fair to him, nor to you. As far as Christmas presents go......my mom gave me a note one year saying that she would do anything I needed her to do for me.  It meant more to me than if she'd had bought me an expensive gift.  The gift of love is far better than material gifts.  And I took her up on it.  I had surgery and asked her to come take care of me afterwards.  It was the best present ever!  Think about doing something like that.   Good luck to you.  We miss you.  You were always so upbeat, and I miss your posts!  Don't stop posting.  We NEED you! Hugs, Bren

The boyfriend thing...I wouldn't use him. That's wrong. I haven been giving in long hard thoughts for about a month and a half on that situtaion...I still need to talk to my best friend get her intake on it then I will make my final decision....which I am leaning towards getting back with...I can't keep pushing love away. :) I'll try and get upbeat again...but right now there is no upbeatness in me. Just depression...I will get there tho...in due time. Thanks Bren :)

Christa, I feel for you.  I have had a lot of the same issues you have had with food.  I hope things get better for you financially.  You will find your way eventually with whatever path, right or wrong.  You have every right to express your own opinion.  I like your *****y young self. 

Holidays can be hard and obviously so is controlling our weight.  I know you have a lot friends here that will not judge you whether you are succeeding or not.  The majority of us go through it at some point. Glad to see you and keep your chin up, things will get better! Brenda

Thank you Brenda. I imagine things will change I know but I hate the tough times.

Christa...you are not alone and you shouldn't be ashamed. I don't know what constitutes a binge for you, but it can't be any worse than my worst. I have done serious damage to my body with food. We are talking WHOLE pizzas, TWO pints of ice cream, FOUR boxes of cookies, BURGERS...IN THE SAME SITTING...followed by lots of tears. I don't mind admitting it now...it's part of my life. Not to act all high and mighty like a 100% recovered skinny ***** I am still fighting, obviously. There is a lot to this besides food, but we don't have to waste time arguing about therapy right now. I don't think you necessarily need it to START. I don't think you should feel bad for swaying fro your plan...but I don't think you should give up on it either. You just have to have faith that you can get through a day, then a week, then two weeks...and you are going to start feeling better. Maybe you would be interested in this eating disorder-oriented board for binge eating: http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/forumdisplay.php?f=13 You have mentioned that your mom's health problems really did a number on you. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 18 (4 years ago)...now, it's different because we were not friends, but it was still sad to see my Dad go through. And Mom towards the end. So I have seen that too. When I was binge eating daily I thought that food understood me. Well, food doesn't give a **** about me cause it's not a person. Stay HERE. Stay accountable HERE. Post every day once an hour if it keeps you accountable. WE give a **** about you. I am going to try to do this more myself...even if no one cares! I had just claimed my 50 pounds lost victory when I almost lost it and gave up. I wrote here and it helped. So I am at 47 lost now instead and I am going to reclaim the 50 real soon. Even if I am having a bad day and feel like I will never get there. Sorry about your financial trouble...believe me...material gifts are not important...though I get why it can be a blow to realize they're not an option. Anything thoughtful you do for someone means much more. XO!

Ok so maybe you can binge more than me..... but I can put away alot of food.  Whole pizza yes...ew. and plus more. I didn't know about your mom. Sad. It is tough and that was my breaking point. I will have to check out that link thank you. Congrats on the 50 pounds that's marvelous! And your pic is beautiful!  Thank you Sonora thank you. :) I wish you lived around here! All of my friends are skinny...literally I dont think their pant sizes go past a 5! I am the fat friend...ugh....lame.

Oh, I didn't mean to make it a contest. Any way it's all the same after a certain point. Anyway, what's full? Full used to be my sign to keep eating, because I am clearly already a fat ass failure if I am full. I have one friend who is maybe close to my weight but she doesn't even live here. The people I come in contact with on a daily basis couldn't lose 50 pounds or they'd be dead. I lose 50 pounds and I'm STILL fat and I STILL can't shop in normal stores! The injustice!

Amen. lol. There is no full. Seriously...what is it to be full....oh yea the ut most painful feeling because i just gorged myself to where i can't move and want to puke.

Yea any of my friends lost 50 pounds pfft...they'd be goners! lol. I used to have a friend who was close to my weight (we're not friends anymore) but seriously she lived in a fantasy world she couldn't come to reality. She would always be like oh yea I am dieting...as she shoves 5 pieces of greasy bacon in her mouth...I'm like ugh whatever. So she wasnt too motivating when her and I were friends.  So I am stuck with the skinny ones lol.

Sorry if I motivated a part of this....  Can I explain why I think it's not as hard as we make it out to be? First off, why isn't it about diet IMO?  Because reducing calories is not necessarily what many of us need to do and because traditional diets are a direct cause for what many complain about--cravings, falling off the wagon, etc. I've read a lot of "failure" threads/posts here.  Falling off the wagon.  Binging.  Etc.  Not stuff I'm unfamiliar with.  But it stopped for me.  Why?  Because I got away from the foods that caused cravings (starches and processed foods), got a hold of my emotions (exercise did this for me), got in touch with my motivation (you have to really want something to put the effort in), and just let myself live healthy. I do not consider myself on a diet whatsoever.  I'm restricting starches, not calories (on that I'm eating more than I have in years).  I just eat as my body needs.   I have found eating healthy ( lean proteins, veggies, fruits in that order) and pushing myself hard in the gym to be the simplest thing ever and for me stopped all the other craziness I read in posts.

I'm not trying to badmouth anyone or dismiss their emotions, but I think they can get a hold of things with different choices.  JM2C.