I need advice and FAST

First I have to say I've hesitated posting this here since yesterday.  It's not directly related to food, but does have to do with being over weight.  I don't have no friends (by choice), just family and I really dont want to talk to them about this.

My first marriage was abusive, especially mentally.  Not to get into the tormenting details, but he hated me fat and let me know it in every way possible.  I wasn't in any serious relationship between him and my now husband so I didn't get over my fears that my first husband gave me.  I've been happily married for four years now and I've realized that not only do I not trust women (because of my ex and other things), that he made me TERRIFIED to meet other women and friends of my ex's because of what I look like.

I have gotten away from meeting my dh coworkers for four years.  One lady in particular really wants to meet me.  Dh thinks we will hit it off.  She repeatedly keeps asking us to come over for dinner and drinks.  I keep refusing.  Everyone at his work wants to meet me.  She invited us again tomorrow night.  Dh kept asking me over and over last night if I'll go.  I'm panicking because I know he wants to go, but I can't say yes!  It's like every time I think of it I feel like I'm starting to have a panic attack.  I guess my ex really played a good one on me.  I guess I'm scared to make friends now because  I'm afraid that they will back stab me.  My ex use to always take girls to his friends, parties,  etc., including my best friend without me, so I'm thinking maybe it will start trouble with Dh and I??  I don't know, but I'm panicking.  I also get really BAD panic attacks and this morning I feel a bad one ready to start.  I can just feel it.

Should I wait until my self esteem is better and I'm skinnier to face this?  This is tormenting me. I don't know if I can do it.  I know he's going to be calling soon, and I don't know what to tell him.  I feel bad for him, we haven't done anything "social" besides just the two of us since we've been married.    My dh knows about my past, but I don't think he realizes it's this bad.

Help

Hmmmm... boy I don't know.   I think I know some of where your coming from My ex was much like that to but get this!  I was at TOP WEIGHT (8.5 mos. preggo w/1st child)  152 pounds. AFTER her birth- I went to 140. (I am 5' 2")  I could still sit down on the floor and put my foot BEHIND my head- not both at that point- but I could get one back there still!  (don;t ask me WHY I tried this- I just always prided myself for being limber enough to DO that LOL) He put me on every diet you can imagine. And like a little puppy dog- I followed right behind him for over 2 years. I was on the Atkins diet, the rice diet, soup broth diet... these are some I remember him having me try.  I often wonder today- if the fact that my (now) dh LOVES me UNCONDITIONALLY (i.e. even FAT!)  Do I cling to my fat self BECAUSE it is true testimony of his unconditional LOVE for me?  But that's another head thing ;) Okay, in this day and age, having family members and myself (to a degree) with anxiety issues- I would talk to your dr about this as well. Because I don't think with all the meds that are out there today, to help anxiety sufferers... you should NOT have to feel this way.  Now, I understand your feelings with weight- I can't tell you how MANY of dh's holiday dinners he drug me to- that I did NOT want  to go to- because I was embarassed about the way I looked. I couldn't find anything nice to wear- everyone always looks so nice... I felt frumpy etc.    But your situation sounds like actual anxiety issues.   Sweetie- life is to short to feel this way. It really IS. You don;t want to wake up at 50 or so and realize you missed so many things- when this can likely be treated. BTW.... have you seen pics of your ex in recent years???   Cause you know what? They get older to. And THEY get fatter to!  I saw pics of mine about 8 years ago- I just about gagged!   And I tell you what- NOT EVEN the SOUP BROTH diet could help him today!  Cause we can loose WEIGHT... but ya can't loose UGLY!  And especially when your UGLY inside AND out!!  THAT is my revenge :) If your dh is not embarassed- he loves you for YOU. He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY. You will get to the place you want to be weight wise, but if HE'S not embarassed or feeling anxiety about you meeting this person... you shouldn't be either. He knows your personality and he probably wants you to have the joy of having another "someone" close to you. There is *nothing* like a FRIEND :) I guess I say- suck it up and GO..... a true friendship would be a horrible thing to blow off! (((((hugs)))))  

Lordy I don't really know how to quite answer this.  I don't think you are alone.   I can't speak for the abuse but I can for the self esteem.  When it is low it is low.  I got to a point I didn't want to go out socially or even to the grocery store.  But I had a husband who was proud of me no matter what (as I think you do now) and kinda urged me to go.  You know what?  Once I got there I had fun for the most part. I also know what you mean as far as the female species but I don't discount them all.  As with men it takes kissing a lot of frogs to find a true trusting friend.  I think that it just all boils down to us being humans.  They may be just as scared of you. Don't take this wrong but I think possibly some form of therapy or support mechanism is needed to help you deal with these issues, there is no shame in it as everyone needs help from time to time (including myself).

All I can really say is that I feel for you and hope that you continue to be as open and honest about yourself because believe it or not I think you are on your way to healing and moving forward in your life.  What you just confided took courage......a weak person could never do that!!!!

I feel for you, Holly.  But think of this, if you do not have friends and do not get out and meet people, your ex WINS!!!  And you lose out of many opportunities of meeting many wonderful people. Why don't you try it once (especially for your dh) and see how it goes.  People LIKE fat people, too.   No one will think bad of you.  I'm fat and have lots of friends, and my dh's friends like me, too. You are a wonderful person.  Believe that!  It might help you to overcome your fears. Good luck on your decision.  Let us know what you decided. Bren

I agree with Bren, what about your personality.  You seem cool and down to earth to me.  I always like people like that.   Not all people, especially today, will judge you on your weight.  What makes you think no one else will be overweight.  I really like people with a good sense of humor who are outgoing.   If their that superficial, SCREW 'EM!   You go and have a good time.  Think about yourself and that 's it. Brenda 

my ex did a very similar number on my head.....  as long as you allow it to continue he continues to be in charge of YOU.

go - have a nice time and meet some new people.  they will like you or the wont - but it has nothing to do with the size of your ass.  I promise ;)

WHY DONT YOU TAKE SOME TIME TO CALM DOWN AND DIGEST YOUR FEELINGS, AND THEN YOU CAN COORDINATE AN OUTING WITH THEM. TELL YOUR HUBBY TO TELL THEM YOU ARE NOT FEELING WELL, AND THAT YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE TO SET SOMETHING UP FOR NEXT FRIDAY AFTER WORK. THAT WAY, YOU ARE NOT RUSHING YOURSELF INTO WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION. HOW MUCH FUN DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO BE IF YOU "FEEL" A PAINC ATTACK COMING ON ALREADY.... YOU ARE CLEARLY ONT IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND TO GO TONIGHT, BUT YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION BY TAKING THE INITIATIVE TO SET UP A TIME FOR YOU GUYS TO HANG OUT NEXT WEEKEND. I AM SURE YOU WANT TO BE YOUR VERY BEST, AND MOST CLAM SELF WHEN YOU MEET ELL OF THEM. THAT WILL GIVE YOU 7 DAYS TO GET YOUR BEST OUTFIT, YOUR BEST FACE, HAIR, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOUR BEST FRAME OF MIND TOGETHER... THE SEXIEST, AND MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT DRAWS PEOPLE IN, IS CONFIDENCE. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH, IF YOU ARE CONFIDENT AND CLASSY, YOU WILL PROJECT THAT, AND YOUR WONDERFUL SELF WILL TAKE OVER IN NO TIME. TRUST IN YOURSELF.. WHO CARES ABOUT OTHERS, IN THE LONG SCHEME OF THINGS, THOSE THINGS ARE IRRELEVANT.. AND BYE HT WAY, WAITING TO MEET THEM UNTIL YOU ARE SKINNIER IS A COP OUT...... I BELIEVE YOU KNOW THAT......LIFE DOES NOT STOP HAPPENING BECAUSE WE ARE FAT.. THINK ABOUT IT, YOU WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION....

I just realized I wrote that whole thing in CAPS.. I'm at work and I forgot to switch over... D'oh... Pardon the CAPS everyone

Thanks for the advice guys.  He hasn't called yet, maybe he gave up.hehe  It's really weird because I've never thought I had this problem.  Yea, I knew I hated women (sorry girls ), and that's why I don't have any rl friends.  Too many things have happened in my past with girlfriends.  I'm pretty old fashioned when it comes to friendships, and now adays I don't think theres too many people like that around unfortunately.

I'm not like this around my old coworkers, or anyone that I know.  I'm fine with it, and if they don't like me....I really don't care.  It's JUST my husbands friends and coworkers.  Sort of strange, but it's only them.  Once in a blue moon we'll run across someone he knows in the store.  My heart immediately starts pounding and I pretty much hide behind him if I'm able too.  I just get so pissed at my ex for doing this too me.  And Chunkymama, I see him all the time still.  Skinnier than ever, but he's getting old!ha 

My dh is a one and only.  Before I met him I never thought there was any kind of man like him around.  We were best friends for about a year or so, and I use to tell him I need to find a guy like him.  He's younger than me, never married, no kids..while I have four, older, have baggage.  Anyway, he is the most loveable, sweet, and sincere man I've ever met.  He loves me for who I am and continously shows me.  So if he is embarrassed by me, it doesn't show.

I did just buy me some new clothes while I was out shopping.  I HATE buying pants so I've been putting it off.  The good news is I found some, the bad news is I wear a 26 and not all 26's fit me...boohoo  But that will soon change. :)  I did find a real sparkly glittery ( I like bling bling..hehe) skull shirt!ha  I love it, it's adorable!  So if I have to go, I'll be as ready as I'll ever be.

Thanks again for the encouragement

I wrote a big reply and for some reason it refused to let me post it.  So here's the short version!

Forget dinner for now- they know each other and it's on their turf.  Even if you were a more confident person that would be a situation where many people would feel like a fish out of water- what if they talk shop? giggle as work jokes? what if they bore you witless? Nup- way too stressful for you. It's too long when you don't know them.

To help battle the trust issues I think YOU should take control.  Organise it on YOUR terms- and keep it short and brief.  Give hubby the benefit of the doubt and at least try. My suggestion: plan afternoon tea at a coffee shop so you can ease into it on neutral ground. (Make sure you have prior dinner plans so you can't be pressured into extending the get together).

If that works out then plan dinner OUT.  If that works plan a few more dinners out.  Then have them to your house for dinner so they're on your turf- if things are going well then you'll feel ready to agree to dinner at their house.

Em